411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.16.08

Posted by Randy Harrison on 01.16.2008

Byers is away, but the UWF retro coverage lives!

Howdy folks and welcome to another edition of the UWF on ESPN Classic. I'm Randy Harrison, filling in for Ryan Byers as he's off on a super-special, double-secret assignment and asked for someone to fill in for him. I was the only one eager enough or gullible enough to jump at the chance so here I am.

I can't guarantee that I will be as caustic as Mr. Byers has been to the product so far but then again, I haven't had to sit through the past year of Impact so I don't blame him for being a little angry. Just reading about that show gets me all riled up sometimes. Anyhow, we're here for the UWF and there's lots of "action" to get to and I have to admit that I am more than excited to get a crack at this trainwreck so let's get to it!!

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF God Knows What)

This would maybe be from a TV taping that took place on November 11, 1990 as it's the only taping that has a bout that even appears on this show. If I need to I can always have Ryan save the day and correct me when he returns with his vast knowledge of the UWF. David Sammartino makes me laugh in the opening video sequence by saying that the UWF is the only organization that doesn't make a mockery of professional wrestling. Well, they do employ you David, so I wouldn't be too quick to tout the UWF and their athletic integrity.

Match One: Paul Orndorff vs. The Grappler

The Grappler jumps Orndorff before the bell but only gets a lock up out of it. Another lock up and Grappler goes to the eyes as Abrams wonders what it says on Grappler's driver's license since he's billed as being from Parts Unknown. Actually, the Parts Unknown DMV is well-known for it's expeditious service of the lines as well as their courteous and helpful staff. Orndorff takes over with rights and lefts and whips Grappler in for a big boot to the gut. The Grappler blows a spot where Orndorff wants to slam his head into the canvas in the center of the ring, instead taking the bump through the far side ropes all the way out to the floor. That's some power from Orndorff there. Orndorff follows him out and makes him pay for that spot by suplexing him on the floor before pitching him back in. Another Irish whip into a clothesline for Orndorff and he's signalling for the piledriver. A couple more boots to soften up the Jobber, I mean Grappler, and Orndorff finishes with the piledriver for the 1-2-3.

Match Thoughts: A decent squash to open the show, but I have to wonder where the hell the UWF was finding these jobbers since they seem to have no idea how to go with the flow when it comes to working with a veteran. The Grappler looked pretty stiff and wooden in there and as such it didn't make Orndorff look very good either.

Dr. Death Steve Williams joins us now and gives a wonderously coked-out promo talking about how Mr. Wonderful now has his attention and vice versa. He says that he's sick of everyone asking him why he hit Paul and he's sick of all the nine-to-fivers and ham...hamm...uh..people with their hands out begging, just like Orndorff was begging. Williams calls himself "The Wrestling Machine" and proclaims himself indestructible. Way to tempt fate there Dr. Death.

Apparently, Captain Lou is up next and he's going to be talking to me. Really? Does he have to?

Captain Lou's Corner

Albano introduces John Tolos "The Golden Greek" as his guest this week and says that he foresees great things for Tolos as a manager. Tolos lays the badmouth on Albano, claiming that he's changed and gone soft while Tolos has maintained his edge as a straight up gangsta. I'm paraphrasing of course. Albano screams back at Tolos and they go nose-to-nose, arguing like it's a close call at home plate. Tolos claims that he has more talent and brains in his pinky than Albano has in his entire fat body and Albano busts out his chestnut about Tolos's brain making a pigeon fly backwards (AGAIN). Tolos lays down a challenge to Albano and the Captain responds by trying to eat Tolos' tie. Mmmmmkay. Awkward much? Tolos finishes off by saying he's taking over the UWF, SportsChannel, and anything he wants to before he throws his jacket at Albano and storms off. Someone get Captain Lou some steak sauce, he might want to eat that jacket too.

We're back from another commercial with Nikita Koloff looking like the Soup Nazi and cutting a promo about New York. He's been training...and he doesn't know why he's going to New York or who he's going to be up against..but..but he's been TRAINING! NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!

Match Two: Nikita Koloff vs. Spitball Patterson

Nikita's ribs are taped from some previous attack and the always helpful Herb Abrams points out that they're taped but says nothing about why. Thanks Herb. Collar and elbow to start out and Koloff pushes Patterson into the corner, prompting Patterson to claim a hairpull. Some yokel in the crowd helps the ref by shouting "NIKITA DIDN'T PULL NO HAIR!!!" Yes, Nikita certainly didn't not pull no hair, you are correct sir. Koloff clamps on a headlock and gets sent into the ropes, knocking Patterson down with a shoulderblock. Back to the side headlock again and Patterson runs Koloff into the ropes again, this time trying for a hip toss, but Koloff blocks and scores the hip toss himself. Bruno's accent makes it sound like he's calling him Schmidtball Patterson, which almost fits since the jobber kind of looks like Baseball Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt. I smell a gimmick change people! They lock up again and Schmidtball goes to the eyes before landing a double sledge and working Koloff over in the corner. Patterson with an Irish whip to the far side but he misses the sloppy charge into the corner. Nikita's up now and waffling Schmidtball with right hands, whipping him into the ropes and knocking Patterson down with a flying shoulder tackle. Another whip in and one Russian Sickle later and it's all over for poor Schmidtball.

Match Thoughts Well, another somewhat extended squash match from a promotion that delivers them on a now daily basis. This isn't quite the tornado through a trailer-park I was hoping or expecting..Dammit, where's my shitty gimmicks and terrible wrestling? I didn't sign up to report on a bad show, I signed up to report on a TERRIBLE show!!!

Back from another commercial and Col. DeBeers joins the program with his jaunty eyepatch. He says that Billy Jack Haynes lives in a fantasy world if he thinks he can beat him. DeBeers proclaims himself to be the world's toughest athlete as well as the universe's greatest athlete. He'll even beat up that black referee if he has to.

Haynes gets his chance for a rebuttal, claiming to have been raised on the streets of Portland and that he was babysat by black people because they're no better or no worse than the rest of everyone. He says he's fighting for Billy Jack Haynes, the blacks, the Hispanics, the Orientals, and he's going to kick some South African ass. Well that wasn't terribly uncomfortable or anything.

Match Three: Col. DeBeers vs. Billy Jack Haynes

DeBeers twirls his mustache on the way into the ring and takes off his belt to threaten the poor, black, referee before laying the shit-talk on him. Out comes Dr. Death in an apparent miscue by the production tea....wait..THAT'S Billy Jack Haynes? What the fuck happened to him? He looks like he ate most of the streets of Portland.

Haynes jumps DeBeers from behind to start out and commences the clubbering. The face slam spot that got blown in the first match gets blown again here, this time with DeBeers taking the bump face-first into the top turnbuckle. It's a tough night for that spot and maybe they should just retire it from the promotion altogether. Haynes with a whip in and a back elbow as some poor, lonely soul in the crowd chants "USA, USA, USA!!!" all by himself. Sigh. Haynes takes control and hits a high kneelift that stiffens the poor Col. followed up by a big bodyslam into a shoulderblock. Haynes tries for another shoulderblock off the ropes but DeBeers catches him and drops him across the top rope throat-first. He stops to adjust his magnificently gay eyepatch and then heads to the outside after Haynes, barely being able to lift him up high enough to drop Haynes' throat onto the guard rail. The action is just too hot to handle at this point so they throw it to a commercial.

We're back from that much-needed break with DeBeers putting the boots to Haynes on the outside and threatening the referee again. More stomps from DeBeers as he's busting out the moveset and Haynes can barely make it back into the ring. Not from the punishment, just because it's about three feet up and well, he's a little girthy. DeBeers slingshots Haynes' throat into the bottom rope and works him over some more, dropping an elbow across the throat as Haynes is sprawled out over the apron. DeBeers with Haynes by the hair, slamming his face into the turnbuckle, choking him across the top rope, and raking Haynes' eyes against the top rope for good measure. DeBeers goes to the well once too often, trying for the turnbuckle again but Haynes blocks it and reverses it into his own turnbuckle smash. He's too hurt, or more likely, too blown up, to capitalize however, and DeBeers ends up hitting him with a double sledge to the throat. The good Col. stops the beating to badmouth the crowd, slamming Haynes before going up to the top. Bad move from DeBeers as Haynes catches him and slams him down from the top. Haynes scores that stiffening knee lift again and a right hand sends DeBeers to the outside. Haynes drops a knee from the apron and rolls DeBeers back in, working him over in the corner before whipping him in and following it in with a clothesline. A dropkick barely glances DeBeers and Haynes then decides to channel Matt Hardy with a yodeling fistdrop from the second rope. Haynes into the cover and it gets 2 but DeBeers goes to the eyes to break it up. Haynes with a side headlock and DeBeers shoots him in, ducking under and forcing Haynes to leapfrog the referee. On the way back DeBeers just shoves the referee from behind into Haynes, knocking the referee a little loopy. Ooooooh, that's RACIST!! DeBeers whips Haynes in but Billy Jack reverses it into a full-nelson. DeBeers kicks his legs away and ends up kicking the referee in the chest, knocking him down again and drawing the DQ. The referee declares Haynes the winner and Billy Jack actually stumbles to the back leaving just DeBeers and the referee. I wonder what's going to happen here. DeBeers attacks the official, stomping away at him and dropping him with a DDT. He stands with one foot on the fallen ref as the other referee is out to break things up but not before the Col. spits on the black referee. That's just great. Let's see just how high we can take the uncomfortableness.

Iceman "King" Parsons joins us to close the show and he's seen enough. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Parsons' fabulous shirt which features a caricature drawing of a rather large woman in a smaller bathing suit with the caption "Crack Kills". Tremendous. The Iceman says that it's easy to beat on a referee but that the Col. should pick on someone who's 250 pounds of sex appeal and is for real. He tells DeBeers that by picking on the referee he's picked on family, and that blood is thicker than mud or something like that. Really? Thank you for that Dr. Iceman. He rambles another little bit and we're done with this episode!

Episode Two (Footage Originally Aired as UWF Fury Hour on 7/20/1992)

Match One: Barry "The Star of David" Horowitz vs. Sunny Beach

We're right into the action this week as they're already in the ring introducing Horowitz. Beach makes his way down to the ring now and Craig DeGeorge hypes a main event in this broacast of Paul Orndorff vs. Bob Orton Jr. for the UWF Southern States Championship. That match doesn't sound terrible and hopefully that's what we'll get to see today. Beach plays to the crowd on the second rope before the match begins to a polite response. Horowitz wants his chance and gets a louder response but it's all boos. HAH! They circle and lock up, with Beach pushing Horowitz back to the ropes and Horowitz claiming a hairpull. Sadly, no redneck fan is there to defend Beach like there was to defend Nikita Koloff in the previous episode. Tolos mentions that Horowitz is an eleven-year veteran and that he doesn't have many marks on him because he was a pitcher and not a catcher. Ew. DeGeorge's repsonse of "I didn't know that" is classic and I'm sure that Byers is kicking himself for missing this golden commentary exchange. Beach grabs a headlock and Horowitz goes to the gut to break it up, shooting Beach into the ropes. Beach comes off with a shoulderblock and clamps the headlock back on. Tolos starts ripping on Japanese people for being short because they don't eat good food in another uncomfortable racial moment in a promotion fulf of them. Horowitz drops down and bridges Beach for a two-count before Beach brings it back to a standing headlock. Horowitz tries to power out of it and fails and then tries a side suplex but Beach takes him over into the headlock on the mat. Horowitz with the pin attempt again that gets a one-count and we're off to a commercial.

Beach is still controlling with the headlock when we come back and Horowitz grabs the hair, reversing it into a headscissors that Beach handstands out of back into the headlock. Beach is like the Randy Orton of headlocks so far. Horowitz back to his feet and pushes Beach into the corner for a clean bre..WAITAMINUTE..HE HIT HIM IN THE CORNER!! I am shocked at Horowitz' lack of knowledge of the rulebook and poor sportsmanship. Horowitz with a whip into the corner that Beach reverses into another headlock takeover, getting a one-count on Horowitz. Horowitz whips Beach into the ropes and eats a shoulderblock before dropping down and leapfrogging over Beach, trying for a monkey flip but eating a boot to the face from Beach instead. Horowitz begs off in the corner before going to the eyes and hitting a jawbreaker, followed up by a back elbow and some big right hands. Horowitz hits a back suplex for 2 and a big kneedrop that gets another 2. Horowitz slams Beach's face into the mat and picks him up by the hair but gets inside cradled for another two-count. This is like the Steamboat/Savage of jobber matches, history in the making. Horowitz with a double underhook suplex into a victory roll for 2 and he grabs the adominal stretch on Beach now. Horowitz CHEATS TO WIN~! and grabs the top rope repeatedly on the abdominal stretch before letting it go in favor of punching Beach in the face. They trade punches and forearms with Beach coming out on top, whipping Horowitz in and hitting a back elbow. Horowitz goes to the eyes again with a Roddy Piper eyepoke and tries a crossbody but Beach turns it into a fallaway slam for two. Horowitz begs off in the corner again and tries to beat it out of the ring, but Beach gets him by the tights and drags him back into the middle. A reversal into a rollup off the ropes by Horowitz gets two but Beach reverses into his own rollup and grabs the tights to get the three count.

Match Thoughts: This wasn't terrible actually, and if it hadn't been for so many damn headlocks it would have been a decent match. Again, I wanted to see a disaster, not passable wrestling but I guess it was pleasantly entertaining to get a semi-decent match here. Beach was a terrible babyface though with almost negative charisma. A virtual black hole of suck.

Match Two: Pistol Pez Whatley vs. Vladimir Koloff w/ Col. Red

Pez comes out looking like a Don King-wannabe with his mini American flags waving, in an obvious attempt to pander to the crowd. Some guy in the front row doesn't fall for it however, and makes my night by taking one of Whatley's flags, throwing it on the ground and then stomping on it in front of him. Tremendous!! I smell a SHOOT!!

Here comes Koloff now and he actually looks the part of a Koloff which is something I suppose. He comes down with his manager Col. Red, who looks like a fatter Michael Hayes in a white tuxedo and top hat with a cane. Whatley is on the outside starting a USA chant much to the chagrin of the big Russian and he grabs some kid from the front row to get him to chant along. GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!! Expect to be hearing from Jimmy Valiant's Boogie Woogie Attorney any day now Mr. Whatley. The kid looks scared to death of Whatley by the way and I can't blame him.

We finally start the in-ring action now with Whatley on the apron ducking, dodging, dipping, diving and dodging some wild swings from Koloff before hitting a shoulderblock to the gut and a slingshot sunset flip for a two-count. Koloff doesn't take kindly to that and starts laying the boots to Whatley before sending him into the ropes for a backbreaker. Koloff pisses around before going for a cover and only gets a two off of it. He argues with the ref and goes to the reverse chinlock as we go to a commercial!

We're back from commercial with Koloff still cranking away at Whatley's neck in the chinlock, even using the strap of his singlet to choke at Pistol Pez while Col. Red has the referee distracted. Koloff holds the chinlock for a good long while. So long that I get distracted and start reading the ticker. Hey look, Congress wants the Justice Department to investigate whether Miguel Tejada committed perjury with his testimony to Congress a couple of years back after the Mitchell Report named him as one of the players using illegal substances. What? The match? Oh, just more chinlocking. Whatley goes to the gut to get out of the chinlock but takes a knee to the gut coming off of the ropes before ending up back in the chinlock. Great. Can we get another commercial please?? THANK YOU!!

We're back from another commercial and Whatley is finally free of the chinlock, but gets poked in the eye for the effort. Tolos calls it a great, amateur, Greco-Roman maneuver. Koloff chokes Whatley against the bottom rope and then just leaves him there for Col. Red to deliver some of the WEAKEST cane shots in the history of pro wrestling. DeGeorge brings up that Red beat up Herb Abrams last week and put him in the hospital with that cane, and if that was how hard he was hitting Abrams, then old Herb must be made out of paper I swear. Koloff clubs Whatley into the corner and whips him across but misses the blind charge in, slamming into the turnbuckle. Whatley dancing and riling himself up before hitting a big headbutt and some right hands. He takes Koloff into the corner and hits the 10-count punches, into a cover for a two-count. Whatley with a headsnap and he's out to screw around with Col. Red for a moment before coming back in with an Irish whip and a back elbow for Koloff. Whatley with another big whip in but he ducks his head too soon and eats a big boot from Koloff. Koloff rakes Whatley across the top rope and whips him in and COMPLETLEY WHIFFS on a clothesline/forearm shot. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?? He didn't even come CLOSE and DeGeorge is claiming that Whatley is lucky he's not bleeding. I call bullshit on that one Craig. Good lord, that was ASS. Koloff with another whip in and Whatley reverses it, ducking under a clothesline and hitting a flying bodypress. They botch the "both guys go over the top from the momentum" spot and it ends up with Koloff just kind of rolling out under the bottom rope after sending Whatley through the second rope. They brawl outside the ring and we get the bell as guys from the back and officials try to break up the brawl. It's a pull-apart to end the show with the announcers screaming. Wait, am I watching Impact or something? Tolos screams about how great the show was as we close it out.

Match Thoughts: Well, I have to admit it, this match was TERRIBLE! I can't believe you can whiff completely on a clothesline with someone running RIGHT AT YOU! Jesus Titty-fucking Christ that was horrible. Slow all the way through, botched spots, predictable spots and then a horrible non-finish. THIS is what I signed on to watch dammit and I'm glad that the UWF finally delivered with their last chance for me to rip them a new one.

Overall

Not as terrible as I thought it was going to be, but I guess, they can't ALL be stinkers. The first show had more name talent and a much better look and as such was a bit easier to watch, but the second had that trainwreck feel of the poorly-lit high school gymnasium and the C-level talent. I am definitely richer for having seen this show and been able to review it. Dumber yeah, but a little richer too. Now if you'll excuse me, the Captain has inspired me to explore a new dietary regimen and I have a pair of pants on the table ready to eat.

I want to thank Ryan for giving me the opportunity to fill-in for him and hope that anytime he needs a fill-in he'll look for me since I loved getting to watch this crap and I highly doubt that many other people would be willing to subject themselves to it. Ryan will be back tomorrow with the next edition and he'll be responding to two days worth of reader comments then, so until then, goodbye, and good luck everybody! You're going to need it watching this show.