411’s UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.17.08

I’m BACK! Welcome, one and all, to your UWF on ESPN Classic report for January 17, 2008. First of all, I have to give a big “thank you” to Randy Harrison, who crossed over from the MMA Zone to cover the show while I was out of town last night. (It turned out that my hotel room did carry ESPN Classic after all, but it was still nice to get to sleep before 2:00 AM.) I thought that Randy’s recap was the best fill-in that I’ve ever seen for one of my columns on this site. If you liked what you saw from Mr. Harrison as much as I did and also enjoy men legitimately punching each other in the face, be sure to check out his archives for plenty of insight in to the world of mixed martial arts.

With the pleasantries out of the way, let’s head to the show!

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF BEACH BRAWL~! on 6/9/91)

We’ve got a special treat in the first half hour of tonight’s block, as we get to see matches from the UWF’s one and only pay per view event, Beach Brawl. Four of the Beach Brawl matches were aired on UWF’s regular TV show “Fury Hour” after the PPV took place, which is probably why we’re getting them here. I don’t know whether ESPN Classic has the rights to air the Beach Brawl bouts which were not subsequently aired on Fury Hour.

Match Numero Uno: The Blackhearts w/ Luna Vachon w/ A Snake vs. Jim Cooper & FireCat

FireCat is Brady Boone, who was BattleKat in the WWF and “The Lynx” on a recent episode of this very show. The Blackhearts, as I’ve previously mentioned, are Tom Nash and Dave “Gangrel” Heath. Ironically, it’s Cooper, the guy without a mask, whose identity I know the least about. The Hearts get a nice double team hiptoss on Cooper early, and then we get a great UWF camera shot of a Blackheart standing on the apron and adjusting his tights while there is actual action in the ring. A flying back elbow and a flying clothesline from various Blackhearts batter Cooper, though he responds with a back body drop and a hiptoss before tagging in the Kitty. The good guys do a variation on the Hart Attack for a two count, though the Blackheart hit with it cuts off the Cat and runs the ropes a little bit before being caught with a SWEET rana. Bruno Sammartino calls the move a takedown from an “unusual position.” Well, I guess in the time and place in which Bruno is used to wrestling, it would be.

After a break, Cooper is in with a Blackheart, and he gets hoisted up on to the top rope. A fine looking gut wrench superplex takes Coop down from the second strand, but he sneaks over to his corner and brings in FireCat seconds later. Kitty hits a few good looking kicks on the Blackheart and screws up a wacky cradle by placing his opponent’s shoulders on his leg. That won’t count for a pinfall, Brady. A crucifix is next, which prompts Bruno to say that FireCat “moves like a cat in the ring.” Hey, maybe that’s where he got the name from! A double shoulderblock sends the FireCat down, and it’s followed with a backdrop suplex. Kitty eventually uses a DDT (or a piledriver if you’re Bruno Sammartino) to get what I assume is the hot tag. Cooper’s attempt at a comeback is an abject failure, as he’s hit with the veg-o-matic and pinned within seconds of entering the ring.

Luna chokes out FireCat with a chain after the bell. There’s a woman after my own heart.

Match Thoughts: Bar none, this was the best wrestling match that has aired on ESPN Classic up to this point. A couple of the moves didn’t look as crisp as what we’re used to seeing, but I’d attribute that to the fact that many of high flying maneuvers that Brady Boone and the Blackhearts (there’s a band name for you) attempted were still relatively new in this country, particularly on a national level. The offense was exciting, the match was structured well aside from the laughably ineffective “comeback” by Cooper at the end, and Kitty completely redeemed himself for the less than stellar performance that he had on the Nickelodeon Studios tapings against Mr. V. Thumbs up all around, even for young Luna Vachon, who was very good in what little we saw of her at ringside.

Match Numero Dos: The Power Twins vs. Mask Confusion (B. Brian Blair & Jim Brunzell)

The Power Twins come to the ring armed with flyswatters, which they apparently plan to use as weapons against the full-grown men that they’re wrestling. Craig DeGeorge gets indignant when the Powers throw their shirts at him. Some people just can’t take a compliment. Blair starts with one of the twins and slingshots him in to his brother. We’ve got a commercial literally a minute in to the match. This show must’ve been put together by the same people who edit TNA. The teams are stalling when we return, and Blair goes to the mat with a Power when the action gets going again. He works over the leg a little bit and tags in his partner. I respack Jim Brawnzell. He’s an essellent eye jump-air. Jimmy continues pummeling the big man’s leg, and now the former Bees are trading off on their opposition wit quick tags. The constant leg holds from the faces start to get monotonous, but Blair eventually livens things up with a bodyslam, after which Brunzell gets two off of the jackknife pin.

While in another leg hold, the Power goes to Brunzell’s eyes and uses that illegal tactic to make a tag . . . but the new Power is taken down and has his leg worked over as well. A cheap shot from the apron allows the bad guys to finally mount some offense, which they do with a bear hug. Okay, I’m sorry that I made fun of the leg submissions. Please bring them back. Commercial break number two hits as Bruno informs us that every match on Beach Brawl is a main event. Boris Zukhov vs. Paul Samson begs to differ. We’ve got a Power chinlock after the ads, and then one of the twins actually does something interesting with a decent looking tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. A double back body drop is next from the men who hail from “Power City, New York,” and now it’s time for some choking. I wish that I would’ve watched more Curb Your Enthusiasm so that I could pepper the recap of this boring match with witty pop culture jokes about the fact that the Power Twins are named “Larry” and “David.”

One of the twins proves he’s a moron by shoving Blair TOWARDS Brunzell when B. Brian tries for the hot tag. He gets even dumber by throwing both Blair and Brunzell to the floor, which of course is just the setup that they need to put on their masks and do a switcheroo. Masked Brunzell takes it to both twins and gets a nearfall off of a dropkick. Bruno and DeGeorge may be idiots, but at least they’re not dumb enough to pretend that they don’t know which Killer Bee is which. The finish to the match comes when Blair, the illegal member of Masked Confusion, slingshots in to the ring and pins a Power with a sunset flip.

Match Thoughts: Why is it that every time we get a match that breaks the ten minute mark on these shows it winds up being painfully boring? I’m not blaming the Killer Bees here, because at one point they were a hell of a team. (Although Blair’s singles performances on these shows have always been less than inspired.) The real problem here was with the Power Twins, who were completely devoid of charisma and a basic ability to sell what was going on the match. This really hurt the period during which the Bees were beating them down, as the twins would just lay there in the holds being applied to them as opposed to making those holds look deadly. They had a similar lack of passion when they were attacking their opponents, basically making them in to the Shane Twins/Gymini of their time.

For what it’s worth, the other two PPV matches that were shown on UWF’s free television program were Rockin’ Robin vs. Candi Devine for the UWF Women’s Title and Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Steve Williams for the UWF Television Title. Hopefully we get to see both of those soon, as on paper they look like fun contests.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on 11/17/90)

Match Numero Uno: Bob Orton, Jr. w/ John Tolos vs. Kevin Benjamin

We begin with the Greco-Roman knuckle lock, which you don’t see enough of these days. Orton uses a quick armdrag and works the arm while the camera crew shows us footage of Tolos jawing with a fan who looks like he’s dressed as the world’s least intimidating mafioso. Ace transitions from his armbar in to an interesting elevated double chicken wing submission. Then he takes him over with a butterfly suplex. HOLY CRAP, BOB ORTON JUST DID SARA DEL REY’S ROYAL BUTTERFLY! My love of SHIMMER finally crosses over with my love of the UWF. Sadly, Bruno is not a fan, as he first thinks that the hold is a variation on the bearhug and then says, “You know, I expected more from this match.” Always a master of getting the product over, that Bruno. Not long after the out of the blue Royal Butterfly, the superplex secures a victory for Bob Orton, Jr., women’s independent wrestling superstar.

Match Thoughts: This went on a lot longer than my recap indicated, in part because the holds that Orton applied lasted forever and in part because of a commercial break that got inserted in the middle of the action. Everything in the match was technically solid, but it felt like it took up way too much time for a squash in which Benjamin was allowed literally no token offense.

Match Numero Dos: Paul Orndorff vs. Spitball Patterson

The highlight of the match early on is a fat, blond ten year old at ringside doing pelvic thrusts to Ordorff’s entrance music, which is still “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. The child looked freakishly like Bobby Dempsey, and I’m not just saying that to get in my second Sweet n’ Sour Incorporated reference for the evening. Spitty (he should team with Kitty) works a headlock in the early going, and they try to do the spot in which Orndorff backs him in to the ropes and shoves him off. I say “try” because Patterson tripped over his own two feet and nearly fell on his ass, preventing the move from happening. To Orndorff’s credit, he doesn’t immediately start beating the crap out of the guy as a penalty for being clumsy. He does hit a cross body block and rakes his opponent’s face on the ropes, though. The Mr. Wonderful elbow connects, and that sends Patterson to the outside. He’s slingshotted back in to the ring and dropkicked, after which Paul drops the knee. A backdrop suplex from the former WCW Tag Team Champion connects, as does the Mr. Wrestling #2 kneelift. Orndorff starts to signal for the piledriver as we go to the break, and the bumper reads “When we come back: A surprise for Orndorff!” I personally would’ve gone with “RUN-IN ALERT!” in a foot high font. The piledriver does connect, and it does finish the match for Paul. It turns out the surprise is Steve Williams, who attempts the Oklahoma Stampede. Orndorff slips off of Dr. Death’s shoulder, though, and there’s a clothesline from Hulk Hogan’s greatest foe. Williams fires back by posting Orndorff and blasting him with a chair. Dr. Death then goes absolutely batshit insane on several referees and jobbers who are out to make the save, with Rikki Ataki, Cutie Pie, Steve DeLeon, and Kevin Benjamin all making appearances. Hey, Orndorff has bladed. Excellent job of selling the beating by Mr. Wonderful, actually.

Match Thoughts: The match itself featured nothing that distinguished it from the other babyface Paul Orndorff matches that have aired on the show, but the post-match was GREAT. Williams looked like an absolute monster in swatting away every wrestler that came within three feet of him, and the chairshot/bladejob was made to seem special both by Orndorff’s selling and the fact that angles like this almost never happen on UWF programming. It’s not surprising at all that this is the best feud that the company ever produced.

We then get a recap of the initial Orndorff/Williams staredown and footage of Dr. Death ambushing Mr. Wonderful during a promo. Lou Albano then asks why Williams “attacked Paul Orndorff from the rear.” Hehe. Williams responds by saying that he doesn’t attack people from the back, which is why he attacks them from the front. Clearly. Finally, Herb Abrams interviews the bloodied Paul Orndorff. He compares Williams’ assault on him to Saddam Hussein invading Kuwait and then compares himself to an elephant. Aside from the dated Gulf War reference, that was actually a pretty damn good promo and perhaps the first mic work I’ve seen on these UWF episodes that didn’t look like it was the result of a little bit of, ahem, “chemical enhancement.”

Overall

Normally I watch these UWF episodes and am entertained by how horrifically bad they are. This time around, I actually found myself enjoying the program because there was some good professional wrestling. Yes, the Power Twins match was as dull as a lecture on macroeconomics by Ben Stein, but the Orton and Ordorff squashes were inoffensive for the most part, and the tag match from Beach Brawl was a fairly entertaining way to kill six or seven minutes. The angle involving Orndorff and Williams was the show’s real saving grace, though, as it furthered the issue between the wrestlers and made Dr. Death look like a beast while also keeping Orndorff somewhat strong (as he beat Patterson and actually had the upper hand on Doc until the chair/post came in to play). It definitely would’ve made me interested in a match between the two if I had seen it sixteen years ago, and that’s the whole idea. Here’s my first non-ironic thumbs up for the UWF on ESPN Classic.

Reader Feedback

Frozen wants to talk about some jobbers from my last recap:

I think you missed two additional bits of evidence as to the overall crapiness of the UWF: 1) The Intern was none other than Davey Meltzer. Check out the gut and the red skull and crossbones on his boots. 2) The Blue Knight was Stephen DeLeon, who wrestled on the same card. The fact that Abrams would send a guy out to wrestle twice in the same taping (wearing the same outfit but with a mask for one match and thinking nobody would notice) is absolutely mind-boggling. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. I will also respectively disagree about your view of The Blue Knight/Stephen DeLeon. I think the late DeLeon was a heck of a bump guy, both in the UWF and WWF.

DeLeon was a fine job guy for the most part, but, seriously, did you SEE the Blue Knight match on Monday night/Tuesday morning? I don’t know if he was having issues with the mask or if he just didn’t gel well with Ray, but he couldn’t land a move properly to save his life on that particular evening.

JLA JRC poses a question in response to the numerous matches featuring enhancement talent that we get to see on ESPN Classic:

So what is your favorite squash match of all time?

I don’t think that I have favorite squash matches as much as I do favorite squash-ers and favorite squash-ees.

As far as squash-ees are concerned, Barry Horowitz and the Armstrong Brothers may be among the best of all time. (Though they all also had territories in which they were pushed strong and were not, in fact, jobbers.) Rene Goulet always sticks in my head as an amusing WWF jobber, and Horowitz’s frequent tag team partner Reno Riggins is another great one who often goes unmentioned in these discussions. At the beginning of the year, long-time Georgia job guy Randy Barber passed away. I’ve gone one to rewatch some of his matches since his passing, and he was also excellent. In addition to those men, I always loved the outright wackiness of THE GAMBLER~! in WCW, and I was overjoyed to see him get a shout-out in Chris Jericho’s book.

On the squash-er side of the coin, you can’t go wrong with the Steiner Brothers, the Roadwarriors, or Vader in their primes.

Peter M. wants to move us away from jobbers and on to some of the “main event” talent of the UWF:

I’ve been watching these shows for over a week now and I have to admit that I’m very impressed with Col. DeBeers. Being from the Northwest I remember watching him as a kid on Portland Wrestling but never remember him being particularly good or crisp. Watching him here he seems very motivated for a man of his age experience. Also, how pudgy is The Rock at this point?

Anyway, I was wondering if you had any insight into why guys like Koloff and DeBeers were looking more motivated than they had in years (professionalism, bigger paycheck, etc…)?

I have zero insight when it comes to this particular topic. My only theory is that DeBeers and Koloff look better in a lot of their UWF matches than they did elsewhere because the UWF matches were so much shorter. Ninety percent of what we’ve seen out of them on these shows has been matches that didn’t even hit the five minute mark, which means that it was a lot harder for them to get blown up and therefore a lot easier for them to do more in the ring. It should also be noted that in the rare instances that we’ve seen them in longer matches, they’ve stunk up in the joint just as badly as they were doing in other promotions in this same time period. (Ivan’s match against Nikita was painfully uneventful, for example, and, though I wasn’t able to watch it, Randy’s recap of last night’s DeBeers match makes it sound both long and bad.)

And that wraps it up for this edition of the recap. I’ll be back handling tonight’s show as well. Until the, head over to my MySpace and add me as a friend to get a bulletin notification every time I add new content to 411mania.