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411’s TNA Impact Report 1.17.08
THE 411 WRESTLING HALL OF FAME!
TNA Impact Begins…NOW!
-We get a video package from last week’s show.
-Kurt, Karen and Prince AJ arrive. They tell JB he isn’t a part of the group, as they are dressed in tux’s again, Karen in a nice dress. Eric Young runs in and starts yammering. Kurt says Santa is in the limo and the slam the door on him. Childproof locks, he isn’t getting out they say. Kurt then says AJ will win tonight and get him two-months off. JB then mentions that he could take the title match. Karen says AJ already made his decision. Eric is still locked in the limo.
-Tenay and West welcome us to the show and run down what we’ll see tonight. WHO WILL FACE KURT? WHAT IS ABYSS’ SECRET? WE WILL FIND OUT!
*~Machismo and the Guns Accept the Challenge~*
Black Machismo and the Machineguns come to the ring, to presumably answer the challenge of Team 3D and Brother Devine. Shelley has the mic and says they heard the challenge last week. Apparently they are the Motor City Machismo Guns. Sabin had a look like, “Wow…lame.” If 3D and Devine win, the X-Division is dead. Well they are good enough to win the tag titles, Machismo could be TNA Champ, and he beat Angle. However, if we win, we change the laws of the X-Division. They get to set a weight limit. 275lbs, and judging by 3D, they won’t make that. There will be weekly weigh-ins as well.
3D and Devine are out and Ray says that they are funny. Ray says he is 275 already. Ray says Devon is a little over 300, but he is training for Mr. Olympia, and has bigger traps than Awesome Kong’s ass. They are ripped, chiseled and JACKED! Devon could be a male model he’s so good looking. So if they win the division is gone. They come to the ring for a face-to-face confrontation. Machismo says they have it right, stay puff! Ray says to show they are gentlemen; they should shake. They all shake, and then the Guns and Machismo attack them from behind. Cane shot to Ray by Sabin! Security is out to break things up. That fails and Matt Morgan is out there, basically being non-effective.
-Crystal is with CHRIS Abyss and discusses the secret. CHRIS says it will only come out over his dead body. The revelation will mark the end of Father James Mitchell and Judas Mesias. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
-We get a replay of the brawl from before the break.
-Tenay and West show us a video of Shark Boy and all of his injuries.
-JB is at Sharky’s house. His family has masks on and it his house looks like a giant fish tank. His Dr. is Dr. Fishman. The doctor says he life has floundered, they have scaled back his medication and he knows it smells fishy, but the sea salt can’t even help. He has finally reached low tide. Wow…just…wow.
-Dutt tries to tell Eric that he isn’t locked in, he blesses the door and he tells him to run to the ring. Yeah…
Eric Young vs. Tomko
Young has the beer drinking title with him. Lock up and a headlock by Young. Tomko picks him up, escape by Young and he grabs the ropes. Tomko will get a powerslam and cover for 2. Neck vice by Tomko, into a headlock now. Young to his feet, he picks up Tomko and follows up with a DVD and lionsault. Tomko then kills him with a clothesline for the pin.
Winner: Tomko @ 1:55 via pin
Rating: NR
-Storm is out and gets the whirly bird on Young. He takes his belt back and yells at Young. He offers Tomko a beer, they drink and then Tomko tosses Storm to the floor. Don’t mess with Tomko. He hands Young the drinking belt and beer, and then leaves.
-Crystal is with Cage. He says he has always told Tomko not to think and there would be a time for Tomko to be his own man, and now he is. Unlike AJ, who cost him the title. Tonight, he will prove that he is the best, the champ. Joe and AJ want to go out there for other reasons. When Karen Angle opens her mouth you can smell half of Pittsburgh. Damn. And when he wins, he will go to Against All Odds and win the TNA Title. If you didn’t know, now you know.
-Crystal is with Dustin Rhodes, inside Black Reign’s workshop. Dustin is afraid and freaks out, asking where “HE” is. It is like a bad intervention.
ODB vs. Angelina Love
ODB attacks Love as she gets into the ring. She lays the boots to her, rights now and then breaks. To the corner and then chops by ODB. Irish whip and then a clothesline by ODB gets 2. Rights by Love, but she gets slammed to the corner. ODB to the 2nd rope and misses the Breast Press. She holds her tits, Love up and gets forearms to ODB. Chops now, an Irish whip and kicks by Love and then a head scissors. Jawbreaker by Love gets 2. Kicks by Love, off the ropes with the knee lift and big boot gets 2. Off the ropes and ODB kills her with a clothesline. ODB grabs her up, off the ropes and the sack of shit slam? Nope, she gets a running powerslam for the win.
Winner: ODB @ 3:15 via pin
Rating: *½
-ODB gets on the mic to talk to KONG! She says Kong has defeated everyone in TNA, everyone but ODB. She says they should hook it up at Against All Odds for the title! She loves to fight, and sometimes she loves to get whooped. But Kong won’t be whooping her. ODB is just not another pretty face. She drinks more.
-Crystal is with Nash. Nash is talking to someone, Joe. They all know he is money, and if he wins tonight and the title, he has it all. Money, being the man, power, ladies, it is all up to you. The wisdom of Nash ladies and gentleman.
-Back with Sharky and his Shark-like family. Chris Harris is there and is pissed. He complains as usual. He has problems, and had to get TV time by hanging out with Sharks! He yells at Sharky for smiling. LAX is here now with Salinas. Hernandez steals shit along with Salinas. Tremendous. Harris continues to complain as LAX walks out with anything that isn’t nailed down. Harris says his career is dead.
Senshi vs. Kaz w/Rat
Kicks by Senshi, chops now and then rights. Kaz fights back, off the ropes and a clothesline by Kaz. Cartwheel kick by Senshi stops that. Senshi lays the boots to Kaz, but Kaz fights back and then eats a dropkick for 2. Senshi gets a seated bear hug, Kaz works to escape, to his feet and then eats a knee as he comes off the ropes. Senshi covers for 2. More chops by Senshi, an Irish whip and Kaz gets a roll up for 2. Running single leg dropkick by Kaz. Dropkick to the ankles and then the springboard leg drop gets 2. Rights by Kaz, chops by Senshi and then kicks. An Irish whip and Senshi misses a corner clothesline. Bicycle kick by Kaz, dropkick in the corner and then the wave of the future and that is all.
Winner: Kaz @ 3:30 via pin
Rating: *½
-Black Reign is out to attack and levels Kaz with the darkness falls weapon. The rat is not in the cage and this angers Reign. He kills Kaz with the rat cage and then beats him down even more. Security is out and…
-TO THE BACK with JB and Mitchell. Mitchell promises no bait and switch. He will reveal a secret that is over 20-years old. No more lies, it will be revealed to the world and it will change CHRIS’ life. Tonight is the night.
-JB is with Prince AJ. AJ is going to Tomko for advice. AJ hugs him and asks for advice. Tomko asks what is up with the crown. AJ asks for advice about taking the title shot or giving his a break. Tomko says he is one half of the champs and can with the TNA title without Kurt. Make a choice bro. AJ is more confused than before.
Abyss vs. Lance Hoyt w/Rave
Lock up and Abyss shoves Hoyt to a corner. Picks him up and slams him down now. Corner splash to Hoyt, and then clotheslines him to the floor. Rave in, press slammed to the floor, catches a foot and bounces off of Hoyt and about dies again. Mitchell is out now and says Abyss should reveal the secret. He refuses, and Mitchell says he will find out eventually and take a cameraman with him. Hoyt back in, chops to Abyss and then Abyss chops away at him. Hoyt picks up Abyss and gets a flapjack. He goes up top and MISSES the moonsault Black hole slam and that is all.
Winner: Abyss @ 2:22 via pin
Rating: ½*
-Mitchell is backstage and says the secret will be revealed now. Mitchell says it all goes back to when CHRIS was born. Mommy let him do whatever he wanted to do, and then when it came time to discipline, it got rough and he got beat, and then when the WHORE got hers, she took it out on CHRIS. Mitchell has no compassion. He thinks back to that night, when he sat by and watched the bi-polar bitch shoot an innocent, unarmed man three times. Mitchell feels one, two, three bullets ripping through his flesh! No matter what you do, you cannot change the fact that you betrayed the man that gave you live. Your last name is not Parks, it is Mitchell. I AM YOUR FATHER! LIVE WITH IT! I am the only good part of you. Every time you thin I am rotten, maybe you should look in the mirror. Live with it. CHRIS is noticeably disturbed.
-We get replays of Darth Mitchell telling Luke Abyss that he is indeed his father. You know, for a guy that was shot three times and almost lost a hand in ECW, he looks good.
-Crystal is with CHRIS ABYSS, he goes bat shit and leaves the building.
Robert Roode w/Miss Banks vs. Sonjay Dutt
Dutt tried to get a kiss from Val, but instead slapped her ass. Dutt hugs Roode, tries to hug Banks but gets attacked for his trouble. Elbows by Dutt, off the ropes and Roode levels him. Dropkicks by Dutt, charges Roode and eats a boot. Dutt dropkicks Roode to the floor, and then gets a plancha onto Roode, which didn’t look good as Roode’s knee folded under him. Back in, Banks grabs Dutt’s leg, allowing Roode to nails Dutt and he is down on the floor. Roode tosses him back in and Brooks is out now and we head to a commercial @ 1:55.
Back from commercial @ 6:00 with Dutt firing away on Roode. Off the ropes and a spinebuster by Roode for 2. Brooks is still at ringside, chops by Roode now. Irish whip, Dutt avoids the charge and springs in, gets a head scissors and clothesline. Dutt gets the seated senton for 2. Dutt to the apron, gets tripped upon a springboard try, Roode grabs him and gets the payoff for the win.
Winner: Robert Roode @ 7:40 via pin
Rating: *
-Brooks hits the ring and Banks and her brawl. Roode separates them and Brooks slaps Roode and spears Banks! Roode grabs her again, holds her and allows Banks to slap her repeatedly. Matt Morgan hits the ring and stops the attack.
-TO THE BACK with JB, who is with AJ. They discuss his options of a title shot or giving Kurt a break. Karen says AJ will do the right think, what she wants. And Karen will do the right think for the Prince of Phenomenal.
-BG and Kip talk and he says his tag partner will be there soon. Roxxi was there, being wasted.
-Back from commercial to THE SHARK TANK! Angelina Love and Velvet Sky come to give Sharky a lap dance. Actually they go to give him mouth to mouth and one of his family dive onto of him to make out with the chicks. That fails.
-VKM and Roxxi head to the ring. Kip says handed BG the title shot, but now, he isn’t the partner. They have been partners for 10-years. Sure he may have lost a step, but he has always been there for him. BG says he gave him 10of the best years of his life, that’s sweet. BG says he has been blessed by God to see some dreams come true. A wrestler, he did it. On top of wrestling, they did that. But ever since he was a kid he had a hero, a wrestler like them. He worked to make a living for his family, and a dream was to be this man’s partner, the baddest son of a bitch he has ever known. He made him and gave him everything he has. So by God, he wants to introduce his partner, his hero, his father BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG! Bullet Bob is 67 they say. They hug, and Kip hugs him as well. They stand tall and happy. I guess they are getting along again.
-BACK TO THE SHARK TANK… Things look bad, and Eric Young is here. Eric pleads for him to stay alive, like Nemo! Jaws fought to the end! FIGHT SHARKY! Sharky is awake now…and does his Steve Austin impersonation. Wow.
-Next week we will get footage of Brock Lesnar training for MMA and Kurt Angle’s thought’s on Brock’s career move. Interesting.
-Angle is out to the ring now. He’s in a good mood, and says that his protégé, Prince Styles will win the match and give him a pass until lockdown. The other great thing is that Global Impact will air tonight, where he defends his other world title in Japan. Stay tuned for more Kurt Angle!
-Crystal is with Cornette and he is with Steiner and Williams. Cornette pimps the X-Division to Steiner, and Steiner mocks it saying it is about being an Oompa Loompa. Cornette talks him into it and he takes back the X-Division title shot. Cornette says he could bring a tear to a glass eye.
THREE WAY ELIMINATION MATCH – For a Shot at the TNA World Title: AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage
Cage attacks AJ at the bell, beats him down and Joe stands back and watches. Now Joe beats down AJ, they double-team AJ and backdrop him. AJ to the floor, Joe and Cage left in now and boots by Cage. Off the ropes and the leaping knee by Joe. Jab by Cage, to the corner, off the ropes and AJ pulls Cage to the floor. Joe goes for a dive, stops as AJ moves and then kicks AJ’s head off as he tries a dive. Cage off the top with a cross body to the floor! ELBOW SUICIDA by Joe takes out both guys! And yeah, we head to a commercial @ 2:00.
Back from commercial @ 5:30 with Joe in control. Cage is on the floor, Joe gets a leaping kick to AJ, off the ropes and Cage nails him. Joe slams Cage onto AJ, kicks to both and the knee drop to AJ as Cage moves. Cage tosses AJ, Joe snap slams Cage for 2. AJ springs in with the forearm to Cage. Goes for the clash and Cage counters and gets the Texas Cloverleaf! Joe makes it back in, he kicks Cage and then an Enziguri. Sets Cage up top…Muscle Buster countered, and Joe gets the clutch. AJ springs in but gets tripped as Cage hits the ropes. Ref bump, CLUTCH by Joe! AJ gets a chair, misses both as they roll out of the way. AJ nails Joe and then LEVELS Cage! Joe then kicks the chair into AJ’s face, picks up the chair and the ref sees it and DQ’s him! Joe chases the ref, he threatens him and Morgan stops that. Joe slaps down security and now Nash is out and breaks up Joe and Morgan. We head to a commercial @ 10:30.
Back from commercial @ 14:00 with AJ and Cage left after Joe got disqualified. Chops by Cage, AJ tries for the Asai DDT, and after a flub and a fight gets it for 2. Mounted punches by AJ, Cage fights back and they exchange chops. Off the ropes and a swank spinebuster by AJ gets 2. A boot by Cage, AJ misses a corner charge and clotheslines by Cage. He goes up top and MISSES the frog splash! AJ goes for the clash, Cage escapes and gets an inverted DDT for 2. Chops and a choke by Cage, AJ tries a RANA, but Cage with a powerbomb for 2. After some reversals AJ gets the PELE~!AJ up top…leaps over Cage and runs into a spear for 2! AJ tries to toss Cage, but he goes up top and AJ nails him with a right. Cage is backdropped off of the top. AJ up…SPIRAL TAP MISSES! Cage COVERS 1…2…NO! Cage up top…FROG SPLASH EATS KNEES! AJ tries an unprettier, countered and Cage gets it. 1…2…3.
Winner: Christian Cage @ 19:51 via pin
Rating: ***¼
-Cage stands over AJ and celebrates!
-Closing wrap up video runs.
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