411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.18.08

Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.18.2008

Orton squash. Orndorff squash. Williams squash. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Welcome, one and all, to the most recent installment of 411mania's look back at Herb Abrams' UWF. This episode was the end of a four hour wrestling marathon for yours truly, as I first had to watch and review both TNA Impact and the company's Global Impact special. Because of all this extra work, I decided to actually go to bed after watching the UWF instead of wrapping up the recap, so I apologize for getting this up a little bit later than usual.

Enough of my complaining, though. Let's get to the action.

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on ??/??/??)

I've been unable to find the airdate for this particular episode, though I can confirm that the matches were taped on January 9, 1991 in New York, New York.

Match Numero Uno: Bob Orton, Jr. w/ John Tolos vs. Sonny Blaze

Blaze actually gets some nice looking strikes in the corner early, but Orton comes back and slams the back of the jobber's head in to his knee. Sonny is then tossed to the outside, where Tolos gets in a few cheapshots. That softens Blaze up enough for Orton to give him a butterfly suplex from the apron in to the ring, after which Ace heads to the second rope. He gives his opponent an avalanche kneedrop from that position, similar to the one utilized by Colonel DeBeers. A front slam is next from the Cowboy, and Bruno Sammartino tries to get over the fact that Orton intentionally slammed Blaze near the ropes so that he could break up the pin. Not long after Bruno finishes espousing his little conspiracy theory, Orton hits the superplex to net the victory.

Match Thoughts: This was fairly unremarkable, particularly in light of the fact that we've already seen numerous Bob Orton squashes on these shows. It was good for what it was but nothing that I'll remember three days from now.

Match Numero Dos: Paul Orndorff vs. Chris Michaels

Orndorff boots the hell out of Michaels early, sending him scurrying to the apron before suplexing him back in to the ring. Up next is a nice looking clothesline from Mr. Wonderful, which gets followed up by a knee to the face and a headbutt. There's a great crowd shot of a man who looks like a clean shaven "Weird" Al Yankovic who proceeds to raise the roof in a manner most dorky. Perhaps inspired by the odd looking man, Orndorff hits a dropkick and the piledriver for an easy victory.

Match Thoughts: See my comments for the last match and repeat them, replacing "Bob Orton" with "Paul Orndorff" where applicable. Where are the laughably bad jobbers like Blue Knight when you need them? Hell, even Bruno and DeGeorge have been fairly tame on this episode so far.

CAPTAIN LOU'S CORNER~! is back with its awesome introductory graphic. Albano runs down Colonel DeBeers and introduces "Iceman" King Parsons, who is apparently now the cousin of the black referee that the DeBeers has been abusing. Iceman actually winds up cutting a pretty decent promo, but then he gives Captain Lou an opportunity to talk. Albano states that he is staking his reputation on the fact that Parsons is welcome on his show. What on god's green earth does that mean?

Match Numero Tres: Colonel DeBeers vs. "Iceman" King Parsons

DeBeers' eyepatch is missing this week, and there's nothing wrong with his eye after all! I've been worked! Parsons enters to "Ice, Ice Baby," and he's quite a sight with his blond ponytail sticking out of his otherwise bald head and what appears to be the Star of David (not Barry Horowtiz) tattooed on his chest. The Iceman controls early with a headbutt, but Colonel goes to the eyes and snap mares his opponent down to the mat. DeBeers then drags his opponent around the ring by the aforementioned ponytail, though his attempt at ramming Iceman's head in to the turnbuckles is thwarted. Announcer Craig DeGeorge mentions that America got rid of racism in the mid-1800's. Apparently DeGeorge's television set was on broken throughout the 1960's. DeBeers suckers Iceman in to going to the outside and then pounds on him when Parsons reenters the ring. This culminates in a bulldog as we had to a commercial break. Colonel is working a chinlock when we come back, and his mustache is very full on this particular evening. Parsons does the stereotypical babyface comeback out of that hold but runs in to a knee. He eventually does start to fire back with what sound like some HARD chops and a big haymaker. Now DeGeorge is calling the Colonel a "three hundred pounder," which would be news to me. Parsons' headbutts are next, after which the butt butt results in DeBeers being tied up in the ropes. Parsons punches the vulnerable South African a few times but misses a clothesline when DeBeers untangles himself. This results in Iceman tumbling out to the venue's floor. DeBeers repeatedly knocks him off the apron as he tries to reenter. "We know that DeBeers is making his salute as he stands there with his arrogance," says Bruno. Truer words have never been spoken. Eventually Iceman gets back in to the ring when he blocks Colonel's attempt to ram his head in to the turnbuckle. Parsons tries to slingshot in to the ring with a sunset flip after that but misses. It doesn't matter, though, as he quickly gets an inside cradle to win the match.

After the bell, DeBeers whips Parsons with his belt and does the world's worst job of hanging him with the accessory. The belt just wouldn't stay around the Iceman's neck for whatever reason. Colonel, ever the pro, decides that if the planned spot won't work, he'll just slam Iceman face first in to the ringpost. Works for me.

Match Thoughts: A few days ago, a reader wrote in and asked me why guys like Ivan Koloff and Colonel DeBeers looked so much better in their UWF matches than he had remembered them looking during his period. I speculated that this was mainly because they were working short matches, thereby avoiding blowing up. Well, we may have to throw that theory out the window, at least as it relates to the Colonel. Though he was hardly Shawn Michaels in there tonight, he looked just as good in this contest as he has in any of his squashes, doing a rather good job of pacing himself. My new theory is that Ivan and DeBeers looked better on these shows than remembered because today's bad wrestlers are so much worse than the bad wrestlers of fifteen years ago. Seriously, I'll take David Sammartino over the Miz any day of the week.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on ??/??/??)

Wow, here's a rarity. For once ESPN Classic has decided to air two of their thirty minute UWF shows which had their matches taken from the same episode of Fury Hour. As such, we're still at the 1/9/91 tapings, and I still have no clue when these matches were originally broadcast.

Match Numero Uno: "Dr. Death" Steve Williams vs. Mike Durham

I've been informed that "Mike Durham" is a young Johnny Grunge, who would later rise to fame as one half of the Public Enemy. Several years later, Nancy Grace would mourn his death on national television despite never having met the man. He looks like the lovechild of Bobby Eaton and Brian Knobs, for whatever that is worth. The jobber is introduced to the turnbuckle and Dr. Death's clothesline early, and a series of knees follows. Williams crushes his opponent's throat across the second rope after that, and here's the gorilla press slam. Doc then applies the abdominal stretch, though he practically allows Durham to walk towards the ropes and break the hold. The poor guy should've just stayed in it, as he's damn near decapitated with a clothesline seconds later. It looks like there's a problem with the ring at this point, with part of the surface under the mat having given out. Perhaps because of that issue or perhaps because it was the planned finish, Dr. Death immediately takes the match home with the Oklahoma Stampede.

Match Thoughts: I would've liked an opportunity to comment on how good Johnny Grunge looked in the ring at this early juncture of his career, but, sadly, I cannot do that. I cannot do that because, at this point in history, it didn't matter whether a jobber was going to help make Dr. Death's offense look good or not. Dr. Death was going to make his offense look good and believable all on his own, usually by beating the crap out of whoever he was thrown in to the ring with. This contest was no exception, looking just as brutal as you would have expected.

CAPTAIN LOU'S CORNER~! Cactus Jack is up this time around, and Foley makes fun of Albano's overuse of the "pigeon flying backwards" line. It's about time that somebody (other than me) did. Captain Lou has this odd expression on his face whenever he's not talking, which makes it look like he has absolutely no clue where he is. Foley, who would go on to become one of the greatest promo guys of his generation, sounds off here. He's slurring his words and lisping. Normally I would attribute this to the fact that he's missing his two front teeth, but I've seen plenty of Foley promos in which he didn't sound this bad despite missing chiclets. I also have no clue what the point of this promo was, as Cactus didn't address any particular opponent and was apparently there to just talk about the fact that he's a dangerous wrestler. Yeehaw.

Match Numero Dos: Cactus Jack vs. Mike Williams

Williams gets some forearms early on, but Cactus cuts him off with an elbow and a clothesline to the back of the head. Jack then gets Williams in to the ropes, and they do an odd comedy spot in which Foley clotheslines his opponent, only for Williams' positioning in the ropes to cause him to rebound back up and take another clothesline. Williams fumbling around in the ropes looked a lot like the setup for Nigel McGuinness' jawbreaker lariat, which highlights why that move would be one of the goofiest on the planet if not for the fact that the actual lariat at the end of it is usually awesome. I think I may have just seen Nikolai Volkoff in a crowd shot. If it wasn't Nikolai, it was a guy who borrowed his hideous red suit. You know the one. After a second or two of action on the outside, Cactus hits a side Russian legsweep in the squared circle and lands a big knee to Mike's back. There's a vertical suplex from the Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, native, but Williams goes to the eyes to set up a nice back elbow. Williams' second attempt at running the ropes fails miserably, as he runs in to an inverted atomic drop and hits the Cactus Clothesline. Sammartino wastes no time in calling this a "stupid maneuver." Foley also drops is big elbow off of the apron, and I SWEAR that I saw Killer Kowalski in the front row during Cactus' landing. What's up with the Cauliflower Alley Club meeting at the tapings tonight? The power of the elbow causes Williams to be counted out.

Match Thoughts: If I had watched this match in any other context, I probably wouldn't have much positive to say about it. However, in the context of these UWF television shows, it was a breath of fresh air. Foley is a guy who hasn't been featured in nearly as many squashes as Orndorff, Orton, or Williams, so this contest was actually something different than what's been on my plate for the last week and a half. On top of that, the possible legends sightings and the wacky comedy move in the ropes were welcome additions that kept the bout interesting.

Match Numero Tres: Bob Orton, Jr. w/ John Tolos vs. B. Brian Blair w/ Captain Lou Albano

There's a rough lockup between the two men to start, but it goes nowhere. What does go somewhere is Orton's single leg takedown, which takes the match to the mat and leads to the two men jockeying for position. Blair comes out on top with a fireman's carry takedown and an armbar, out of which Orton manages to kip up. A second fireman's carry from Blair results in the continuation of the armbar, and now we've got a confrontation between Albano and Tolos on the outside. Fortunately the cameras come back to the ring as the two wrestlers inside it start running the ropes, culminating in a nice looking armdrag by Blair and a return to the armbar. Orton eventually powers his way out of it, manipulating Blair up on to his shoulders and crashing down with a Samoan drop as we go to commercial. When we come back, the two men are on the floor, which is odd because usually the show just picks up right where it left off after an ad break. Ultimately, Orton winds up piledriving his opponent on the floor, though for some reason the referee refuses to count Blair out. I don't know why, DeGeorge doesn't know why, and Bruno doesn't know why. If Bruno has no clue, nobody will. "Wild Thing" Steve Ray then appears in his garish jumpsuit, and he gets in to the referee's face. Nobody knows why Ray is there either. Everybody is confused for a little while longer, and eventually the official raises Blair's hand. WHAT?! We don't even get an explanation, as the show cuts away before Brian's arm is even fully extended.

Match Thoughts: I can't give a fair evaluation of this match because I feel like we missed a whole heck of a lot during the commercial break and whatever other editing may have occurred. The match seemed to be in a completely different phase by the time that the ads came to a close, and it was one of the more bizarre hatchet jobs on a match that I've seen in quite some time. (And I'm a guy who watches a lot of TNA.) The incomprehensible finish didn't help matters much, though I have to imagine that there was some sort of explanation given on the original show which got lopped off in the ESPN Classic version.

Paul Orndorff and Steve Williams close out the show with promos hyping their match which will be taking place "next week." I'm guessing that we won't be seeing it . . . or we may already have seen it. We've jumped around so much on the UWF timeline by this point that I have no clue what's going on.

Overall

Most of the UWF episodes we've seen so far have been laughably bad, and the last one was actually rather good. This block fell somewhere in the middle. It was primarily a collection of run of the mill squash matches, though those squash matches featured some of the more talented guys on the company's roster, so I can't exactly say that they were bad. DeBeers/Parsons looked on paper like it would drag down the overall quality of the shows, but they actually went out there and put on a decent performance when you consider the Colonel's age and the bile that this promotion normally produces. The most maddening thing on the program was the editing and the finish in the Blair/Orton match, though I have to blame that far more on the twenty-first century post-production than I do Abrams' group. Thumbs solidly in the middle for the January 18 edition of the show.

Reader Feedback

There was one topic that virtually all of my readers wanted to address after the last show, but we'll give Brad K. the privilege of getting to do it here:

Did you notice that after Dr. Death hit Orndorff with the chair, he hit the referee three times and the ref didn't sell? Then Williams was throwing stiff shots at the ref until he dropped. I replayed it several times and I think Williams was legit pissed and shooting on the ref after he got hit three times and didn't go down and Orndorff got hit once and did a blade job. I don't blame him, it made the whole post-match angle come off as weak. What say you?

Though I picked up on the fact that the referee was putting up more of a fight than he should have, I don't think that it ruined the segment altogether. At the end of the day, I was far more focused on the performances of Orndorff and Williams, both of which were AWESOME. Combine that with the fact that there weren't very many beatdowns of that magnitude on UWF TV, and you had an angle that made me legitimately excited to see the ultimate blowoff between Mr. Wonderful and Doctor Death, regardless of poor selling by a peripheral player.

Up next are some comments about Beach Brawl from Bert Williams, who MySpace tells me is looking for a booking on January 26. If any indy promoters are reading this, check out his website to shoot him an e-mail.

First and foremost, I love the UWF on ESPN Classics reviews. I'm glad this has been put out on TV yet once again for a new generation to explore. I actually watched the Beach Brawl PPV VHS the other day. Hopefully they do show the BB matches (Robin vs. Divine & Williams vs. Bigelow) as they were also pretty decent matches from that horrible PPV. The whole show lasted an 1hr and 30mins and Williams & Bigelow was interesting to say the least. Up to the PPV, Williams was probably the #1 heel in the company with the #1 feud with Orndorff. Bigelow was being built as a huge babyface since his debut. Yet at the PPV the roles were completely reversed with Williams being pushed by the announcers as the heavy favorite and played the babyface. Hopefully they air the Williams-Steve Ray shoot from 5/27/91. I wish ESPN Classic would also air The Golden Age of Wrestling again. Those were good shows as well.

Keep up the good work.

Believe it or not, I haven't seen the Williams/Ray shoot before, even though I'm sure it's on YouTube as we speak. It would certainly be a welcome addition to the ESPN Classic show, breaking up the monotony of the run of the mill squash matches. (For those not familiar with the story behind that incident, I'll tell it when and if it airs.) I know that these shows did air on ESPN Classic in Canada at one point a while back, and I think somebody told me that the shoot aired up there during the series' run, though you probably shouldn't hold me too that. I would also be interested in knowing the genesis of the Bigelow/Williams face/heel shift at the pay per view because, as you noted, it came out of nowhere. Any readers with more insight can feel free to fill me in.

And that's a wrap. We've got one more episode for this week, and then it's time for another two day break. Be sure to check out my MySpace profile, where you can add me as a friend to get a bulletin notification every time that I post new content on 411.