411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.19.08

Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.19.2008

What is the opposite of a "This is awesome!" chant?

Welcome to the end of week two of the UWF on ESPN Classic. Though we're only fourteen days in to this little project, it feels like Herb Abrams and his band of miscreants have been with me for several years now, like they're among my closest friends, confidants, and well-wishers.

. . . okay, not really.

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour in 7/91)

Match Numero Uno: "The Keeper" Paul Sampson & The Animal vs. The Nightmare & Mike Lauria

"The Animal" is neither Roadwarrior Animal nor George "The Animal" Steele, but he is doing a poor knockoff of Steele's gimmick. He looks a bit like Jim Cooper from the Blackhearts match on the Beach Brawl PPV, but I don't think it's the same guy. Keeper and Nightmare kick things off, with Keeps trying an Irish whip and Nightmare doing a bizarre sell in which he spins around like a tornado en route to hitting the turnbuckles. 'Mare is then slammed by his opponent, only to later cut him off when Keeper telegraphs a back body drop. Lauria tags in at this point, and the announcers put over his background as a host of a pro wrestling radio show. He misses an elbowdrop, and we go to commercial. When we come back, Sampson is on the floor admonishing the Animal for throwing candy to ringside children. First Jimmy Valiant and several others steal infants from their parents, and now the Animal is trying to buy kiddies' affections with sweets. Somebody needs to get Chris Hansen after these wrestlers, STAT. Animal knocks Nightmare down with a back elbow as Bruno talks about his love of a 400 pound gorilla that he met at one time. He also claims to have wrestled an orangutan during his illustrious career. Now 'Mare is set up on the top rope, and Animal pulls him off with a gorilla press gutbuster. A quick tag to Sampson follows, and the duo takes the masked man off of his feet with a double clothesline. Keeper works 'Mare over with what was supposed to be a faceplant, but Nightmare was too eager to take the bump and instead wound up slamming himself headfirst in to the mat. Things don't get any better for the jobber, as he's hit with another brutal head-droppy move by Animal, which is followed by a tombstone. That allows Keeper to get the one-footed pin.

Match Thoughts: I have no clue who the Nightmare was, but it couldn't have been Danny Davis or Ken Wayne, who were an excellent masked tag team in the 1980's using the same name. I say that it couldn't be Davis or Wayne because this guy looked absolutely atrocious in there, screwing up a spot in which he had to run in to the buckles and then dropping himself on his head not once but twice. Animal and Sampson weren't the greatest wrestlers in the world but appeared to be passable, while Lauria didn't do nearly enough for me to get a read on his skills. As such, this was a fairly decent though unremarkable tag match punctuated by Nighty's hilarious goof-ups. That's exactly the sort of "so bad it's good" entertainment that I look to these shows for, meaning that I consider this bout a SUCCESS.

CAPTAIN LOU'S CORNER~! He introduces Boris Zuhkov, who says that he loves to be in America and the UWF so that he can earn American money. Captain spits on him. This lasted less than a minute and accomplished nothing.

Match Numero Dos: Super Ninja w/ Mister Red vs. Madman Pongo

I have no clue who the masked Super Ninja is, but I have it on good authority that "Pongo" would go on to become deathmatch wrestler Madman Pondo. Not surprisingly, Super Ninja opens the match with kicks. Oh crap, Lou Albano has joined us on commentary. He insults Zuhkov as the wrestlers in the ring trade armbars. Now Albano and Sammartino are taking turns insulting the wrestlers' gear. There are too many demonic designs on wrestlers' outfits these days, Captain Lou opines. Truer words have never been spoken. Pongo gets in an armdrag, which Bruno says was poorly executed. Honestly, he was right. Lou then goes on a really bizarre rant in which he attempts to bury WCW by saying that the wrestlers in the ring were trained by Jim Barnett, after which he claims that Jim Herd and Ted Turner should watch the match in case they want to sign either Ninja or Pongo. I've resorted to doing play by play on the commentary and not the wrestling because this is an awful match. The referee is distracted by the Ninja while Mr. Red bites Pongo for what feels like thirty minutes. Now Herb Abrams is on commentary as well, so we have the dream four-man booth of Albano, Abrams, Sammartino, and DeGeorge. "If this guy does anything else that's despicable, we're going to suspend him!" Abrams says. Bruno's response: "Who are you talking about?" Sammartino is now officially the greatest color commentator who ever lived. Yes, better than JBL. Things get even worse when the match concludes, as Red tries to hit Pongo with a second rope splash, only to slip and miss it. Ninja lays in the weakest kicks EVER on the "Madman" and then decks the referee. "I am sickened by this!" says Herb. He hits the ring and suspends Mr. Red for thirty days. Red decides that, if he's going down, he's taking Abrams with him. This results in Herb and Red rolling around on the mat as though they were Francine and Beulah. Now Albano is in the ring to help Abrams, who gets in a few shots at Red on the floor. Ninja goes after Herb, but Captain Lou fights off the masked man. Craig DeGeorge buries Pongo by saying that Abrams is bigger than he is. Now Albano has a plastic chair, and he bounces it off of the Ninja's head to wrap up the segment.

Match Thoughts: WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED. I've seen some bad matches in the two weeks that I've been watching this show, but this was far and away the worst. Pondo and Ninja wrestled like two guys who were a week and a half in to their training, screwing up the most basic of moves and employing kicks and punches so light that it looked like they were attempting to brush crumbs off of each other. As bad as the in-ring was here, it wasn't even the most entertaining part of the segment. When you've got Herb Abrams AND Craig DeGeorge AND Lou Albano AND Bruno Sammartino simultaneously on commentary, it'll make Flair vs. Steamboat look like utter crap, and things get even worse when those four men are apparently going out of their way to bury the wrestlers. The ironic thing is that, once Lou and Abrams got involved in the aftermath of the match, things somehow managed to get WORSE. Abrams attempting to beat the hell out of Mr. Red was hilarious, in part because Herb was no good at giving the beating and in part because Red was no good at taking it. People often complain about promoters who interject themselves in to a show's angles, but at least when somebody like Vince McMahon or Eric Bischoff did it, they were actually good at the roles they were playing. Abrams, meanwhile, looked ridiculous, and I couldn't imagine the angle between he and Red leading anywhere even if he had fifty times the talent. This match was the very definition of trainwreck TV from opening bell to closing bell, and, if somebody asked me to explain to them in ten minutes or less why the UWF was an unmitigated failure of a promotion, I'd just sit them down and show them this segment on tape. Seriously, if you enjoy having a laugh at terrible professional wrestling, you must go out of your way to track down a copy of this bout. It cannot be topped.

Match Numero Tres: The Blackhearts w/ Luna Vachon vs. FireCat & Steve Ray

The ring announcer has an awesome moment here, first introducing the Blackhearts and then saying, "And their opponents . . . only one of whom I can tell you who it is because the other one's a mystery partner . . . FireCat!"

Apocalypse and Destruction ambush Kitty before his partner can even make it to he ring, but eventually Steve Ray runs in for the save. All four men are brawling now, and this is insane. Ray picks up a table and wacks a Blackheart with it while the other member of the team back body drops FireCat on the floor. Now female wrestler Allison Royale shows up, and she attacks Luna as FireCat hits a back elbow in the ring. Steve Ray and the other Blackheart are brawling through the crowd, with the Wild Thing grabbing a drink from a fan. The beverage winds up spilled on to the Blackheart. Oh, the humanity. Kitty tosses around the ring steps as Sammartino urges the referee to count everybody out of the ring. I don't think that would stop the fight, Bruno. Luna is now throwing plastic chairs at poor Allison Royale. Eventually all four men wind up in the ring, and Steve Ray uses the bell to finally take out his two opponents. Needless to say, the match is a double disqualification.

Match Thoughts: This could have been a fun brawl if: 1.) The UWF production was better, particularly if it used more than the two cameras that seemed to be at ringside and 2.) If it wasn't following the previous segment. As it was, I was too exhausted from the prior insanity and too confused by the limited views of the fight to get anything out of this.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour in 1/91)

Match Numero Uno: Steve Ray vs. "Cutie Pie" Louie Spicolli

Bruno providing us with Louie's internal monologue as Steve Ray flirts with some female fans is awesome. "And Cutie Pie's saying, 'Hey, those girls should be coming to me, I am Cutie Pie.'" It's a shoving match between the two men early on, and then they move to shoulderblocks. Louie's attempted tackles do nothing, but a flying clothesline certainly does. A second misses, though, allowing Ray to knock Spicolli out of the ring with a clothesline of his own. The Wild Thing tries to bring his opponent back in to the squared circle, but Spicolli snaps his neck over the top rope and catches him with a good looking kick for two. Ray fires back with a second rope cross body block, though Cutie Pie rolls through the subsequent pin attempt and gets a nearfall of his own. A Spicolli Stinger Splash then misses, allowing Ray to fly off of the top turnbuckle with a second cross body. That wins it for him.

Match Thoughts: Poor Louie Spicolli. From the UWF matches that we've seen him in, it looks like even at this early point his career he's a better wrestler than Steve Ray, a better wrestler than Sunny Beach, a better wrestler than Ivan Koloff, and a better wrestler than David Sammartino. Despite this fact, he's stuck on job duty with goofs like the Nightmare and Davey Meltzer. Though I understand that a healthy promotion will have talented enhancement guys in order to help make their stars look like worldbeaters, that's not how the UWF pecking order typically works, and he's the sole exception to the general rule that the jobbers are the worst in the company. Oh well, at least he's got Bruno Sammartino in his corner, as Bruno always goes out of his way to say a good word about the future Rad Radford.

Match Numero Dos: Sunny Beach vs. Mike Williams

Bruno continues his streak of great lines for the evening, comparing Beach's surfing gear to a 1920's bathing suit. Williams impresses early with a nice vertical suplex and some clubbing forearms, though he misses an axe handle off of the top and gets punched in the gut. Sunny follows up with a gut wrench suplex, but it only gets a two. A blockbuster slam finishes the match seconds later, though.

Match Thoughts: This was far too short to be anything noteworthy, though I have to say that the blockbuster slam by Ray was one of the better versions of the move that I've seen.

CAPTAIN LOU'S CORNER~! Greg Valentine is our guest, making what I believe is his first appearance on these ESPN Classic shows. The Hammer talks about his past with Albano, saying that he now makes his own matches and deals. This results in them bickering about their breakup. Lou uses "brain like a b.b.," but he does not discuss placing that b.b. in to the head of a pigeon so that he can watch it fly backwards. Cap'n is losing his touch, man.

Match Numero Tres: "Dr. Death" Steve Williams vs. Paul Orndorff

These two are on each other right from the get go, with Orndorff earning the advantage and hitting his own version of the Cactus Clothesline. Bruno does not call it a stupid move this time around. The two men brawl on the floor, with Dr. Death eating the ringpost a couple of times. Mr. Wonderful then grabs an umbrella from a fan and starts to hit Doc in the head with. Williams is bleeding, and I refuse to believe that it was due to the post. That umbrella shot was brutal, man! Opened Williams straight up, it did! Mr. Wonderful beats down Doc for a bit in the ring, though eventually the Oklahoman makes a comeback and starts unloading on Paul with JYD-esque kneeling headbutts. The two are still fighting when we come back from a commercial break, with Williams now having the advantage on the outside. Now it appears that Orndorff is also bleeding, and Dr. Death hits him with a double sledge from the top rope when the two reenter the squared circle. An avalanche from the bigger man misses, though. Doc knocks down the referee prior to Orndorff capitalizing on the missed move, and now the locker room empties to separate the two wrestlers.

I have no clue what the finish to this match actually was. I thought that I heard the bell ring shortly after the two started brawling on the floor, either due to a double count out or due to Paul employing the pilfered parasol. However, the two men kept wrestling, and the announces were acting like this was a continuation of the match and not a post-match brawl. This went on until Dr. Death shoved the referee, which should have resulted in Orndorff winning by DQ. Yet, when the decision was announced, it was a double disqualification. I don't know that I've ever seen a match which had three possible finishes, none of which were clearly the conclusion of the contest.

Match Thoughts: I've always put over the Orndorff/Williams feud as the one thing that would get us some decent wrestling on these shows. Well, tonight even it failed. When I heard the bell after the umbrella shot, I stopped thinking of the "match" as a "match," and started to think of what was going on as an angle. As an angle, it started off good, with Mr. Wonderful getting revenge for being bloodied. Then it dragged on for too long, as Dr. Death didn't need to get in more offense to further the storyline. After that, I came to realize that Dr. Death was getting more offense not because I was watching a poorly executed angle but rather because I was apparently watching more of the match. The confusing nature of the whole thing killed any enjoyment that I could've gotten out of the action.

Overall

What a hell of a way to cap off a week of UWF action. I have never laughed harder at a professional wrestling show than I laughed at this show tonight, particularly when it came to Ninja vs. Pondo and all of its related silliness. If you're a professional wrestling fan, you need to go out of your way to track down at least the first half of tonight's block. Watching something this miserable will at best bring a smile to your face and at worst make you realize how good you've got it when you watch even the lousiest wrestling from today's promotions.

Reader Feedback

Jimmy wants to continue to the discussion of the indestructible referee from the 1/17 show:

To be fair, the referee got hit in the hand three times. Getting hit in the hand doesn't cause you to fall down. Unless, of course, someone like Dr. Death WANTS YOU to get out of his way.

I did notice that he caught the chair on at least one of the shots and tried to wrest it away from Dr. Death, and in that case he obviously shouldn't sell being hit in the head. However, when you do that spot once and Williams keeps swinging at you afterwards, I think it's pretty obvious that Doc wants you to take the shot and go down.

Steve has some information on a guest that I somehow missed at ringside, despite the fact that I noticed Killer Kowalski and Nikolai Volkoff:

[Rick Rude] ripped his shirt off and taunted Orndorff, which caused Orndorff to point to him during the finish of his match. DeGeorge acknowledged Rude as "The Ravishing One" at one point on commentary. Rude was being courted by Abrams at that point to wrestle at the Beach Brawl pay-per-view later in the year, but a deal fell through. So Rude's only UWF appearance was at the January 1991 Penta Hotel taping. It should also be noted that the Orton-Blair match from last night was from the February 1991 Penta Hotel taping, while the first two matches were from the January taping. That explains why Bruno and DeGeorge were explaining Honey's absence during the main event. She was let go from the company after the January taping.

Thanks for the information, Steve.

Regular reader/commenter Joe K. clears up some of the confusion surrounding the finish of the final match in last night's block of shows:

Blair/Orton is on one of the three UWF tape I have. The ref awarded the bout to Blair because the piledriver on the floor was supposedly a DQ. The announcers did have to be clued in on it, however. The quick cutaway on Classic kinda ruined it. And the version of the match on my tape is at least 15 minutes.

I assumed that the piledriver on the floor was being played up as a DQ, but it's good to know that it went unexplained because of the network's editing as opposed to the promotion's ineptness. I've got enough things to rip on the UWF for without having to resort to bashing them for mistakes that they didn't make. Of course, this does beg the question of why a piledriver on the floor is a DQ but Cactus Jack's elbow drop on the floor is not. Maybe the referee in the Orton/Blair match was used to officiating lucha libre matches and made the old exceso de rudezas call. (Though I guess if he were a lucha ref, any piledriver would be grounds for a DQ.)

And thus concludes week two of the UWF on ESPN Classic. I'll be taking a much deserved weekend away from this show, and you can be one of the first to know when I pick my coverage back up by adding me as a friend on MySpace. Once you do, you'll receive a bulletin notification every time I post new content on the site.