The Not So Tremendous Tirade: ECW on SCI-FI 2.12.08

Posted by Randy Harrison on 02.13.2008

Punk and Chavo are on their way to the Pay-Per-View where they'll have.....NO WAY OUT!! Man, I'm so witty.



Larry's tending to some professional business tonight, so I will be manning the good ship ECW and taking you all on a trip to "Not So Tremendous" land. I will ask for patience on the match ratings as this is the first time that I have ever rated matches, so go easy if they seem a little off. Also, as a small side note, I haven't really been following ECW too much outside of reading the reports here on the site for the past few weeks since ECW happens to fall during Nip/Tuck, and I loves me my stories. I do know that Punk lost the title to Chavo, turned into MARIACHI PUNK!, and threw Chavo into the Gulf of Mexico, but other than that, I'm pretty much a clean slate. I'm interested to see this whole Colin Delaney thing since I was a big fan of the original angle with Mikey, so let's get to the show!

+++ECW on SCI FI 2.12.08+++

-Styles and Tazz are our announcers.

-We get highlights of last week's show, including another sighting of MARIACHI PUNK! That mustache is fucking epic. Oh, and Chavo swims like a woman. That's another great chickenshit heel move.

I kinda dig the new opening as this is the first time I've seen it or the new set being used for the ECW shows.

Chavito Speaks!!

OOOOOOOH CHAVO!!! Chavo Guerrero joins us to start the show and he's not in very good shape after last week's dunk. They show the scuba rescue that came to save Chavo after he nearly drownded and him laying on the side of the water afterwards, retching and claiming that he's still the champ. He complains about his various ailments and attributes them all to Punk's shabby treatment of him last week, while he itches and sneezes. He's also sporting a wicked rash to sell the dirty water. Heel Chavo rules. He gets a ton of heat as he runs down all of his problems and whines that he got stung by a jellyfish. He calls himself a "Mexican Warrior" and demands that he get to defend his title against CM Punk tonight.

Out comes GM Armando Estrada to try to calm down Guerrero. He gives Chavo the verbal blowjob treatment and then claims that he can't let Chavo defend the title tonight. He books Punk vs. Henry as our main event for tonight as a "tune-up" match for Punk heading into this Sunday. Chavo leaves to a chorus of boos after blowing his nose and demanding his binky.

THE WRESTLING MANIA PROGRAM IS COMING!! 47 days, bitches.

We're back from commercial and we get to see the Stevie promo from last week's show, leading to....

Stevie Richards vs. Rory Foxx

Stevie gets a great response from the crowd making his way down to the ring, which is great to see. I've always been a big Stevie fan and I'm glad to see him back. Stevie takes over early with a shoulderblock and plays to the crowd. A Stevie chant fires up from the crowd as he drops an elbow on Foxx before moving to a hammerlock. Foxx makes the ropes and lands a cheapshot elbow on Richards before running him into the turnbuckle. Stevie reverses a whip into some HARD kicks to the back and chest and whips Foxx in for the back body drop. HUGE kick to the face from Richards and he whips Foxx in, following him with a big splash. Stevie hits the Stevie-T (DDT) and gets the duke.

Winner: Stevie Richards via pin

It was great just to see Stevie in the ring again after all of his health problems. It was a squash, as it should have been, but Stevie looked crisp and Foxx sold well for him. It isn't exactly re-inventing the wheel, but it's a good match to slowly build Stevie back up after his long layoff.
Rating: * 3/4


A Mark Henry promo runs to lead us into the commercial break, putting him over as an unbeatable monster before Styles talks about the main event.

As a small aside, that MMA movie Never Back Down ran an ad during this commercial break. That turd of a movie looks like one of the worst things that the movie industry could ever have unleashed on us unsuspecting people.


Layla vs. Kelly Kelly

Round 456 of this feud is set to begin as Layla grinds her cooch on the ropes getting into the ring. Classy. They lock up and Kelly gets a headlock takeover and another before Layla reverses into a headscissors. Kelly pops out of it and is back to the headlock, ducking a clothesline before landing one of her own. Kelly to the second rope and another clothesline lands before Layla grabs the hair and slings Kelly across the ring. Layla working the arm, twisting it in the ropes and slamming it onto the mat before dropping the leg on the injured arm a couple of times. Standing armbar from Layla and a short clothesline but Kelly kicks out at 2. Layla keeps working the arm with an armbar before she scores another takedown by yanking the hair. Kelly reverses a suplex and snap mares Layla over. Kelly to the top with a crossbody for two. Kelly scores with a ROCKER DROPPER, and gets the three count.

Winner: Kelly Kelly via pin

This didn't suck anywhere near as much as I thought it was going to surprisingly. There was a bit of decent psychology from Layla to work the arm for a couple of minutes and Kelly didn't botch anything, so it was a pretty good match. I can't say that I would want to see it every week, but not having seen it in a while probably helped in my enjoyment of it.
Rating: **1/4


Semi-Pro looks awesome as hell, and I officially love Will Ferrell.


Mike Knox vs. Kofi Kingston

I'm excited to see Kofi as I haven't seen him yet since he debuted in ECW. Hey look, Mike Knox has a job again! Kofi with his weird capoeira stance is kinda funny and he avoids Knox in the early-going, landing some kicks and showing his speed before moving to the headlock. Knox with the knockdown and tries for a hip toss but Kofi reverses it into a monkey flip before he eats a right hand. Kofi avoids a charge from Knox and then hits him with some TEABAGGIN right hands. Knox counters and drops Kingston face first into the turnbuckles. Knox starts hammering away as a Kofi chant comes up from the kiddies in the crowd. BIG legdrop from Knox gets 2. Knox hits the chinlock and starts ragdolling Kingston around a little and the crowd starts getting behind Kofi. Knox with a whip to the corner and he rushes in to eat some boots. Kingston with a flying forearm and a weird looking dropkick where he almost jumped over Knox. Some sort of weird dancing kneedrop lands and Kingston hits a kick to the gut with a spinning kick to the head to score the pinfall.

Winner: Kofi Kingston via pin

Eh. Mike Knox was on offense for most of this match, which should tell you about how much I could have possibly enjoyed it. Kingston didn't look like much in the time that I saw him on offense either. He looks like he could be this generation's K-Kwik, and with Ron Killings making a comeback apparently, it might be time for Kingston to try to form a team, or try to do something to differentiate himself besides smiling like a retard with a pudding cup.
Rating: *1/4


Tommy Dreamer w/Colin Delaney vs. John Morrison w/The Miz

The Miz looks quite fetching in his scarf. And by fetching, I mean gay. To look gay when your partner is coming down to the ring in a roadkill pelt jacket is a pretty mean feat, and yet The Miz manages to pull it off with flying colors. Morrison speaks and gives us a rundown of all his catchphrases before handing off to The Miz. Ugh. This show went downhill in a hurry. They shit talk Dreamer and Delaney a being the two biggest losers in ECW history and show off their Tag Titles that they never defend. Tommy makes his way down to the ring with the Mummy behind him...Wait, I'm being told that THAT, is in fact, Colin Delaney. Jesus, all he needs is the IV to drag behind him to complete the look.

The match gets underway with Tommy taking over early with a shoulderblock and a headlock, catching Morrison on a crossbody attempt and hitting the fallaway slam before clotheslining Morrison over and out. Dreamer with a running clothesline off the apron and he throws Morrison back in before giving some dap to the front row. Miz fucks around and trips Dreamer on his way back in, knocking Tommy off the steps. Morrison's out to pick up the pieces and they give poor Delaney a hard time. He can't hear you through all those bandages guys. Morrison in to take over with some knees to the gut and a stomach buster. A sitting abdominal stretch now by Morrison as we see Delaney cheering him on from the outside. It must have worked cause Tommy hits a hip toss, but it's short lived as Morrison takes over again with some shots. Morrison misses a slingshot twisting dropkick lookin' thing and crotches himself on the bottom rope. Dreamer with some right hands and a neckbreaker before he drops the big elbow on Morrison. Dreamer pops Miz a good one for that hideous scarf he's wearing and hits a back elbow on Morrison, but Morrison's too quick, kicking Dreamer in the gut and hitting his springboard kick before he moves over to give Delaney a little love with a boot to the back of the head. He grabs Dreamer and sets up for the twisting neckbreaker but Tommy reverses it into a DDT and covers for the 1-2-3.

In the post-match Delaney comes in to check on Dreamer and JUST before he raises Dreamer's hand, Miz and Morrison start the beatdown. They hit a FUCKING SWANK double-team move with Miz hitting a neckbreaker while Morrison simultaneously drops Delaney with a sit-out powerbomb. Dear God, that looked sweet. Miz stops to adjust his dickie.....ERRR scarf, and Miz and Morrison pose with the belts.

Winner: Tommy Dreamer via pin

The match was decent enough, but too short to mean anything. This reeked of angle advancement, which is fine by me, but on a night where no match has seemingly gone more than four minutes, it would be nice to have something mean something. By the way, Colin Delaney is the pastiest looking human being I think I have ever seen. He makes half-cooked bacon seem colorful in comparison.
Rating: * 1/2

We get to see Mark Henry from behind to marvel at his hideous back pecs, and he tells a director backstage that it's not going to be a match. It's going to be a FUNERAL!!


CM Punk vs. Mark Henry

We're starting the main event with six minutes of show left, which is NEVER a good sign. Henry looks a lot less drippy in HD. I wonder if they forced him to stop taking his customary pre-match showers before they switched over. OOOOOOOOOH CHAVO!!! Here comes Mr. Guerrero, showing remarkable bravery to come down to the ring in his condition, dancing on the way too. Henry stalks Punk down as the bell rings and Punk hits a leg kick and another before dropping a forearm or two. Punk off the ropes and HOLY SHIT, Henry just squashed him. Henry works Punk over in the corner and yanks him out for a BIG slam. Henry misses the elbow off the ropes by a mile and Punk starts hitting some kicks before being reversed on an Irish whip into the corner. Punk avoids a charge and hits his running kneelift in the corner, but gets caught on the bulldog and slammed. He tosses Punk to the outside and follows him out, ramming him into the post back-first. Henry throws him back in and chokes him on the ropes but forgets to break before 5 and gets himself DQ'd. Punk hits an enziguri on Henry to put him out and turns his attention to Chavito, throwing him into the ring and hitting the GTS and standing over Chavo as the show closes out.

Winner: CM Punk via DQ

WAYYYY too short to mean anything, and it was only there to give CM a chance to hit Chavito with the Go 2 Sleep without them having to have an actual match to give away the one ECW match on the pay-per-view for free. Punk stands tall at the end of the show, which according to Booking 101 means he's going to leave the PPV empty-handed.
Rating: *


The Not So Tremendous Tirade: Well, it seemed like they were trying to stuff way too much stuff into this one hour. They only have one match on the PPV, and they could have probably built to it a little better. Chavo got a couple minutes of interview time where he didn't say a lot, outside of bitching about how sick he was, and Punk got a two minute match against Mark Henry before he attacked Chavo. If I had to buy the PPV for this one match, off of the go-home show, I wouldn't and that's not a good thing. The good news is that I was actually fairly entertained, which I haven't been able to say about ECW for awhile, which led to me missing it fairly regularly lately. Again though, everything was just too short, and when the most enjoyable match, and the longest match are the same match and that match involves Kelly Kelly, they need to refine their focus just a little bit.