411’s WWE Heat Report 03.02.08

Posted by Scott Slimmer on 03.02.2008

We’re celebrating Heat’s 500th episode and my 100th Heat Report with a promo from Jim Duggan and a song from Jillian Hall. Anybody else need a drink?

Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's ALL-NEW, ALL-DIFFERENT WWE Heat Report.

That's right, baby, this is the 500th episode of Heat, but it's also my 100th Heat Report. Anyway, I've always prided myself on writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net, and part of being the best is continually striving to improve. So recently I was proud to debut a completely new format for the Heat Report. The most dramatic change was a drastic reduction in the length of the play-by-play. I loved writing in-depth, detailed reports of each match, but I completely understand that most readers would rather just get right to the highlights. So from now on I'm going to be presenting a more condensed Overview of each match in order to give you a clear view of the main events while skipping over some of the more minor details. However, in order to compensate for the abbreviated length of the Overview, I'm also going to be adding a Background, Analysis, and Rating for each match. The Background will provide a brief review of the recent events in the careers of each of the wrestlers involved in the match while the Analysis and Rating will allow me to give you my opinion on the quality and future implications of the match. Finally, I'll still include the Result, Length, and Best Spot in order to continue to provide the most complete coverage possible. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.




We start out with a snazzy new Heat opening video featuring all of the, um, adequate stars that we, um, tolerate here on Heat. I write about jobbers. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan grabs the mic before his match, and I have to assume that starting the show with a Jim Duggan promo doesn't bode well for the next half hour of my life…

"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan: "Hoooooo! You know folks, tonight is the 500th show of WWE Heat! Number 500! And old ‘Hacksaw' Jim Duggan – that's me – I've been on over 127 of the shows. Hoooooo! And I gotta tell you folks, after WWE Raw, Smackdown, ECW, Saturday Night's Main Event, AM Raw, and the occasional Diva Search Specials, this is the best damn show on the WWE! Hoooooo! U.S.A.!"

And now, a note from the Boss:

Larry Csonka: "BERRIED! NO BUYS! BERRIED!"

Thanks, Larry. Always nice of you to stop by the D-show reports from time to time.


Match 1: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Jason Riggs

Background: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is one of the most experienced veterans on the WWE roster and has been a staple on Heat over the course of the past two years. Jason Riggs is a jobber. You do the math.

Overview: Riggs takes control early with a cheap shot to Duggan, but Duggan fights back with three consecutive clotheslines. Riggs regains control with a knee to the gut before catching Duggan with a snap mare takedown and applying a rear sleeper hold. Duggan fights back to his feet and tries to break the hold with a volley of elbow shots to the gut, but Riggs flings Duggan down to the mat with what ended up looking like a hella sloppy Rock Bottom for a one count. Riggs goes back to the rear sleeper hold, but Duggan again fights back to his feet and tries to break the hold with a volley of elbow shots to the gut. Riggs tries to slam Duggan's head into the top turnbuckle, but Duggan blocks, slams Riggs' head into the top turnbuckle, and goes up top for a series of mounted punches. Duggan hits a spinning scoop slam, heads to the corner, waits for Riggs to get back to his feet, connects with the Three Point Stance Running Clothesline, and gets the three count.

Analysis: Yes, it was a Jim Duggan squash match. Yes, Jim Duggan squash matches are all nearly identical and all, um, less than breath-taking. But you know, there's something somehow fitting about having Duggan squash a jobber in the first match of the 500th episode of Heat. Squash matches are a major part of Heat, and Duggan can kill a jobber with the best of ‘em.

Result: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan defeats Jason Riggs with the Three Point Stance Running Clothesline.
Length: 2:25
Best Spot: Duggan's Three Point Stance Running Clothesline
Rating: ½*


After the match, Paul Burchill and Katie Lea make their way down the ramp. They both begin to climb into the ring, but Katie asks for a moment alone with Duggan. Katie praises Duggan's effort in the match… and distracts him just long enough for Burchill to level him from behind. Dude, fuck the haters. I would TOTALLY do Katie if she was my sister.

We head to a commercial, but after the break Jillian Hall makes her way down the ramp, complete with headset microphone. Jillian climbs into the ring, and I'm once again reminded that Larry doesn't pay me enough to sit through this show week after week after week…

Jillian Hall: "Hello Phoenix! Tonight is a very, very special occasion, you know. It is Heat's 500th show, so I have come out here, and I have prepared a very special ballad to dedicate to Heat!"


I Will Always Love Heat
Performed by Jillian Hall
(Sung to the tune of Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You")

D'Lo Brown,
(Unintelligible lyric).
There was Raven,
(Unintelligible lyric).
Striker debuted,
Mideon was nude,
And don't forget the Mean Street Posse.
And I will always love Heat.
I will always love Heat.
I will always love Heat.

It was swell,
With Gangrel.
There was Scotty 2 Hotty,
And his Worm.
Win or loss,
Charlie Haas,
What's the deal with his mask?
I don't get it.
And I will always love Heat.
I will always love Heat.
I will always love Heat.

Much love to anybody who's seen the show and can actually decipher the second and fourth lines.


Match 2: Val Venis, Brian Kendrick, and Super Crazy vs. Charlie Haas, Robbie McAllister, and Snitsky

Background: Venis, Kendrick, Crazy, Haas, McAllister, and Snitsky have all been staples on Heat over the course of the past year. This match isn't so much about furthering any specific storyline or feud as it is about trying to put on something that somewhat resembles an entertaining match in celebration of the 500th episode of Heat. And hey, how can you go wrong with a porn star, an insane midget, an insane luchador, another insane luchador, a guy in a dress, and a guy with a foot fetish? I've seen movies that start like that…

Overview: Venis and McAllister start the match, and Venis takes control early with a Full Nelson into a snap mare takedown into an overhead key lock. Venis switches to an arm wringer, but McAllister breaks the hold and locks in a standing side head lock. Venis counters into a standing hammer lock, but McAllister again breaks the hold and connects with a head butt followed by a European uppercut (but he's not even Europea… oh, crap, yeah he is…). Venis fights back with a pair of knee shots to the gut and scores with a Side Russian Leg Sweep for a one count. Venis makes the tag to Crazy, and Crazy connects with a top rope flying double ax handle shot to McAllister's arm. Crazy applies an arm wringer and pounds away at McAllister's shoulder, but McAllister fights back and slams Crazy's head into the top turnbuckle. McAllister goes for a sunset flip, but Crazy rolls through and hits a rolling neck breaker followed by a standing moonsault for a two count.

McAllister makes the tag to Haas, but Crazy quickly takes him down with a drop toe hold followed by an Oklahoma Roll for a one count. Crazy hits a snap mare takedown followed by la Magistral for two count. Crazy hits a body scissors head lock takedown followed by a springboard basement drop kick for a two count, but McAllister charges into the ring to break up the pin. Crazy makes the tag to Kendrick, and Kendrick hits the top rope Mushroom Stomp for a two count. Kendrick lands a deep arm drag takedown into an arm bar and then hammers away at Haas' arm. Kendrick applies a head stand hammer lock and then transitions to a modified back slide for a one count. Haas finally takes control with a volley of elbow shots to the back of Kendrick's head and then applies a standing side head lock. Haas levels Kendrick with a running shoulder block, but Kendrick gets back to his feet, sweeps Haas' legs, and gets a one count. Kendrick scores with a head scissors takedown, and that's Haas' cue to slide under the ring as we head to a commercial.

We're back from the break, and Lucha Haas has debuted. He's already donned the black mask that I've been referring to as the Shark Boy mask. However, I've also heard some people say that it looks like Skeletor and / or Venom, so take your pick. Anyway, Lucha Haas is firmly in control and hits a swank overhead belly-to-belly suplex on Kendrick before Snitsky makes the blind tag and enters the match. Snitsky hits a scoop slam but misses a running leg drop, and that gives Kendrick enough time to tag Crazy back into the match. Crazy goes to work with a series of stiff kicks to the back of Snitsky's legs, but Snitsky fights back and goes for a running elbow shot in the corner. Crazy avoids contact and goes back to work with the leg kicks, but Snitsky regains control and whips Crazy to the corner. Crazy floats over and lands behind Snitsky, but Snitsky KILLS him with a running clothesline. That is one dead luchador. Crazy's sell there was AWESOME. Snitsky hits three elbow drops and hits another running clothesline in the corner. Snitsky traps Crazy in the corner and stomps a mudhole in him before heading to the opposite corner and goes after Venis and Kendrick while Lucha Haas and McAllister work over Crazy. Shenanigans!

Snitsky makes the tag to Lucha Haas, and Lucha Haas is just able to keep Crazy from making the tag to Venis or Kendrick. Lucha Haas clotheslines Venis and Kendrick off the ring apron, grabs Crazy's Mexican Flag poncho, removes his mask, and wipes his sweat with the poncho. Disrespect! And also a sweet nod to Shawn Michaels wiping his nose with the Canadian Flag. Anyway, Haas reapplies the mask, and Lucha Haas goes to work with a barrage of mounted punches. Lucha Haas locks in a surfboard, drops Crazy with a head butt, and hits a scoop slam. Lucha Haas tags in McAllister, and McAllister hits a slingshot leg drop for a two count. McAllister locks in a modified camel clutch and then flings Crazy down to the mat just as Crazy begins to break the hold.

McAllister makes the tag to Lucha Haas, and Lucha Haas connects with a STIFF kick to Crazy's back followed by another STIFF kick to his chest for a two count. Haas locks in an abdominal stretch and grabs the top rope for added leverage. Heelish! Crazy eventually manages to strip off Lucha Haas' mask and break the hold with an arm drag takedown. Crazy hits an enzuigiri and make the tag to Kendrick, but Haas also makes the tag to McAllister. McAllister charges into the ring, but Kendrick catches him with a slingshot drop kick followed by a flying forearm shot, a back heel kick, a running drop kick, and a second flying forearm shot. Haas rushes into the ring to make the save, but Kendrick catches him with a big back body drop. Snitsky rushes into the ring to make the save and goes for a Big Boot, but Kendrick ducks and Snitsky kicks Haas off the ring apron while simultaneously crotching himself on the top rope. Slick trick, moron. Kendrick then hits McAllister with Sliced Bread #2 using Snitsky instead of the corner turnbuckles. Kendrick drop kicks Snitsky off the ring apron and makes the tag to Venis, and Venis hits the Money Shot on McAllister for the three count.

Analysis: This was certainly one of the better main events we've seen on Heat in quite some time. It wasn't quite as good as some of the great one-on-one encounters we've seen (think Shelton Benjamin vs. Kerwin White or Eugene vs. Rob Conway), but it was still pretty sweet for Heat. Wait, wait, did I just mention both Kerwin White AND Eugene? Oh shit, I'm so gonna get fired. Anyway, this match has little implication for any ongoing storyline or feud, but that's mostly because none of these guys are really involved in any kind of meaningful rivalry. The bottom line is that this was a good way to celebrate the 500th episode of Heat, and sometimes that's all you can ask.

Result: Val Venis defeats Robbie McAllister with the Money Shot.
Length: 13:30 (including commercial)
Best Spot: Super Crazy's springboard basement drop kick
Rating: **½


Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.