411’s WWE Heat Report 03.09.08

Posted by Scott Slimmer on 03.09.2008

Lucha London. Lucha Kendrick. ‘Nuff said.

Hey guys and gals, I'm Scott, and this is 411's ALL-NEW, ALL-DIFFERENT WWE Heat Report.

I've always prided myself on writing the Best Damn Heat Report on the Net, and part of being the best is continually striving to improve. So recently I was proud to debut a completely new format for the Heat Report. The most dramatic change was a drastic reduction in the length of the play-by-play. I loved writing in-depth, detailed reports of each match, but I completely understand that most readers would rather just get right to the highlights. So from now on I'm going to be presenting a more condensed Overview of each match in order to give you a clear view of the main events while skipping over some of the more minor details. However, in order to compensate for the abbreviated length of the Overview, I'm also going to be adding a Background, Analysis, and Rating for each match. The Background will provide a brief review of the recent events in the careers of each of the wrestlers involved in the match while the Analysis and Rating will allow me to give you my opinion on the quality and future implications of the match. Finally, I'll still include the Result, Length, and Best Spot in order to continue to provide the most complete coverage possible. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let's get to the wrestling.




Match 1: Mickie James vs. Melina w/ Beth Phoenix

Background: Mickie James and Melina have feuded numerous times over the course of the past few years. They met most recently two weeks ago on Heat when Mickie defeated Melina with the Mickie-DT. Mickie has recently been on a quest to recapture the WWE Women's Championship by defeating Beth Phoenix, but thus far her efforts have been thwarted at every turn. Meanwhile, Melina and Beth are scheduled to face Candice Michelle and Maria Kanellis in a BunnyMania match at WrestleMania, and Beth has chosen to accompany Melina to the ring for this match as a show of solidarity. Mickie has to feel slighted at being left out of the Diva action at WrestleMania, so she'll be looking to pick up a big win in this match in order to maintain her relevancy in the WWE Women's Division. On the other hand, Melina is hoping to score the victory in order to build momentum as she heads down the Road to WrestleMania.

Overview: Melina takes control early with a kick to the gut and a poke to the eyes, but Mickie gets a roll-up for a quick two count. Melina begs off, but Mickie shows no mercy and locks in an arm wringer into a bitch slap followed by a basement drop kick. Mickie presses her advantage with a slingshot facebuster and rolls through into a single-leg Boston Crab, but Melina gets to the ropes to force the break. Melina fights back with a snap mare facebuster and locks in a modified rear chin lock. Melina slams Mickie down to the mat and locks in a Straight Jacket (that's a Goku-Raku Gatame for all you puro fans out there). Mickie breaks the hold and hits a short-arm clothesline before things break down into a volley of bitch slaps and kicks from both Divas. Dude, one of Melina's kicks was HELLA LOW and totally would have led to a disqualification if she'd been wrestling Chyna or Nicole Bass.

Anyway, Mickie scores with a clothesline and a back elbow shot before hitting the Mick-a-rana (rope-aided spiral head scissors takedown) out of the corner. Mickie hits a neck breaker for a two count and follows up with a Louise Thesz press and a volley of mounted punches. Beth jumps up onto the ring apron to distract Mickie, and Mickie climbs between the ropes as she attempts to catch Beth. Melina whiplashes Mickie back across the top rope, and Mickie flips forward and damn near decapitates herself on the ring apron. Dude, that looked nasty as hell. Melina connects with her new finisher, a split leg modified inverted leg drop bulldog, but there's no way I'm typing that all the time. So I'm just gonna call it the Happy Ending. So yeah, Melina connects with the Happy Ending and gets the three count. After the match, Melina and Beth hit Mickie with the Doomsday Device in order to send a message to Candice and Maria.

Analaysis: WWE Diva matches (especially WWE Diva matches on Heat) are never going to compete with the Women's matches you'll see in SHIMMER or even TNA, but I'm still continually impressed with the effort put forth by Mickie and Melina. Both Divas clearly want to put on the best show possible given the confines of the WWE Diva style, and I'm extremely confident that they could do much more under different circumstances. I've got nothing by respect for a pair of women who are ready and willing to bust their asses to put on a good match even though they're stuck curtain jerkin' Heat. And by the way, it's absolutely ASININE that Mickie isn't booked in a match at WrestleMania even though some less skilled in-ring female performers (coughmariacough) have been. Look, I like some good-old fashioned T&A as much as the next guy, but that's Hugh Hefner's business. Vince McMahon should have focused on his business and booked Mickie and Candice vs. Melina and Beth for WrestleMania.

Result: Melina defeats Mickie James with the Happy Ending (split leg modified inverted leg drop bulldog).
Length: 3:55
Best Spot: Melina and Beth's post-match Doomsday Device
Rating: *


Match 2: Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. Charlie Haas and Robbie McAllister

Background: Brian Kendrick competed against Charlie Haas and Robbie McAllister in last week's main event six-man tag team match. Kendrick's team scored the victory when Kendrick's teammate Val Venis hit the Money Shot on McAllister while Haas was on the outside. Kendrick's long-time tag team partner Paul London is ready to return to action this week and will team with Kendrick in this tag team pseudo-rematch from last week's main event.

Overview: Dude, London's wearing a pair of sweet vintage Rockers glasses. Awesome. Anyway, it looks like it's gonna be Kendrick and Haas to start the match. Haas takes control early with an arm wringer into a wrist lock, but Kendrick finds a springboard back flip to relieve the pressure and locks in an arm wringer of his own before making the tag to London. London hits a top rope diving fist drop to Haas' arm, applies an arm wringer into an arm bar, and connects with a slingshot sunset flip for a two count. London hits an arm drag takedown into an arm bar and then goes back to the arm wringer before making the tag to Kendrick. Kendrick and London score with a double hip toss for a one count before Kendrick lands an arm drag takedown into an arm bar of his own. Haas finally makes the tag to McAllister, but Kendrick immediately greets him with yet anther arm drag takedown into an arm bar. Kendrick goes back to the arm wringer and makes the tag to London. Kendrick lands a drop toe hold that sets up a running elbow drop from London for a two count. London goes back to the arm bar followed by a leg drop to McAllister's arm. London locks in a front face lock, makes the tag to Kendrick, and holds McAllister as Kendrick hits a top rope diving double ax-handle shot to McAllister's back.

Kendrick goes to work with a volley of kicks to both of McAllister's arms before landing a snap mare takedown for a one count. McAllister muscles Kendrick to the corner and then distracts the referee as Haas illegally chokes Kendrick against the top turnbuckle. Kendrick goes nuts on both McAllister and Haas and eventually drop kicks Haas off the ring apron. Kendrick finds a roll-up on McAllister for a two count followed by an arm drag for another two count. And yes, in case you're wondering, Haas has completely disappeared after being kicked off the ring apron, so Lucha Haas should appear any minute now. Kendrick goes back to the arm wringer, but right on schedule Lucha Haas appears on the ring apron to provide the distraction. McAllister takes advantage and levels Kendrick with a clothesline before stomping away at him and making the tag to Lucha Haas.

Lucha Haas whips Kendrick to the corner, lands a running shoulder block to the gut, hits the ropes, and damn near decapitates Kendrick with a Big Boot. Lucha Haas scores with a SWANK overhead belly-to-belly suplex and hits a standing splash for a two count. Lucha Haas gives Kendrick a scoop slam, PULLS A SECOND MASK OUT OF HIS SINGLET, AND PUTS IT ON MCALLISTER! LUCHA MCALLISTER! LUCHA MCALLISTER! LUCHA MCALLISTER! Lucha Haas makes the tag to Lucha McAllister, and Lucha McAllister hits a slingshot leg drop on Kendrick before removing the mask and throwing it at Haas. Dude, do you blame him? I mean, that second mask was, you know, IN HAAS' SINGLET. And then it was on McAllister's face. Not cool. But I do have to admit, the mask / kilt combo did look pretty bad ass. Anyway, Kendrick finds a quick roll-up for a two count, but McAllister comes right back with a running clothesline. McAllister chokes Kendrick against the mat and then across the bottom rope before making the tag to Lucha Haas.

Lucha Haas goes for a powerbomb, but Kendrick strips off the mask, kicks out, and levels Haas with a back heel kick. Haas makes the tag to McAllister just as Kendrick make the tag to London, but it's London that takes control with a volley of kicks and clotheslines to McAllister. London continues the assault with a standing drop kick, a leg sweep, a double chest stomp, an inverted atomic drop, and a hurricanrana. London goes for the cover and gets a two count, but Haas rushes into the ring to break up the pin. Haas grabs the mask and tries to put it back on, but Kendrick rushes into the ring and drop kicks Haas to the outside. KENDRICK PUTS ON THE MASK AND HITS A SLINGSHOT PLANCHA TO HAAS ON THE OUTSIDE! LUCHA KENDRICK! LUCHA KENDRICK! LUCHA KENDRICK! Back in the ring London heads up to the top rope, but McAllister crotches him and then heads up to the second rope himself. London and McAllister slug it out up top and London goes for a head butt, but McAllister proves to have the harder noggin and London gets the worst of it. London shoves McAllister back down to the mat and Kendrick tosses the mask up to London. LONDON PUTS ON THE MASK AND HITS A SICK MUSHROOM STOMP TO MCALLISTER! LUCHA LONDON! LUCHA LONDON! LUCHA LONDON! And dude, seriously, that Mushroom Stomp was sick. McAllister totally collapsed on impact, so London came down right on top of him instead of leaping to a safe landing. Lucha London hits the Standing Shooting Star Press and gets the three count.

Analaysis: This was the most fun match that we've seen on Heat in a hella long time. We may have seen better in recent memory, but this match was so freaking entertaining that it certainly made up for any minor technical shortcomings. And I'll be the first to admit that Charlie Haas' luchador gimmick is finally proving its worth. Sure, at this point it's just a comedic plot device, but you can't deny the sheer awesomeness of Lucha London and Lucha Kendrick. And by the way, mad props to Paul London for doing a great luchador impersonation while wearing the mask. Haas and Kendrick demonstrated minor alterations in their actions while wearing the mask, but London instantly became a differently wrestler. Let's hope that Charlie Haas was taking notes on the outside.

Result: Lucha London defeats Robbie McAllister with the Standing Shooting Star Press.
Length: 8:45
Best Spot: Lucha London's SICK Mushroom Stomp
Rating: **½


Match 3: Val Venis vs. Snitsky

Background: Val Venis and Snitsky competed against each other in last week's main event six-man tag team match. Venis' team scored the victory when Venis hit the Money Shot on Robbie McAllister while Snitsky was on the outside. This match is thus a singles rematch from last week's main event.

Overview: Venis goes to work with an arm wringer and a volley of punches, but Snitsky fights back and whips Venis to the corner. Venis gets both boots up, plants them right in Snitsky's face, and goes for a second rope diving ax-handle shot, but Snitsky catches Venis in mid-air and tosses him back-first into the top turnbuckle. DAMN! That was seriously impressive. I mean, sure, you could imagine Snitsky doing that to Paul London or Brian Kendrick, but it's a whole different story with a guy as big as Venis. Snitsky goes for a scoop slam, but Venis floats over and connects with a volley of punches. Venis hits the ropes and charges at Snitsky, but Snitsky absolutely levels him with a running shoulder block.

Snitsky hits a scoop slam and three elbow drops before locking in a cross-face. Snitsky whips Venis to the corner, charges after him, and goes for a Big Boot in the corner, but Venis just manages to slide out of the way. Snitsky catches his leg on the top rope, so Venis rolls him up for a two count. Venis hits a basement drop kick to the knee, connects with a volley of punches, and lands a few knee shots to the gut, but Snitsky back body drops him over the top rope and onto the ring apron. Venis lands on his feet on the ring apron, grabs Snitsky by the head, and drops him neck-first across the tope rope. Venis heads up to the top rope and connects with a top rope flying clothesline for a two count. Snitsky whips Venis to the ropes and ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so Venis puts on the brakes and kicks Snitsky right in the chest. Venis hits the ropes and charges at Snitsky, but Snitsky regains his bearings and lands a Big Boot. Snitsky drags Venis back to his feet, hits the Pump Handle Slam, and gets the three count.

Analaysis: This was Snitsky's best match in quite some time, and the credit surely must go to the great Val Venis. It often seems incomprehensible that WWE would waste a talent like Venis on a show like Heat, but it's matches like this that prove just how valuable he can be when working with less experienced and less talented wrestlers. Much like Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels, Val Venis is one of those rare stars who can make almost any opponent look better, and we can only hope that guys like Snitsky are learning as much as possible from their time in the ring with Venis. The incredible thing about this match in particular was how well Venis adapted to Snitsky's style. We tend to think of Venis as a more technical wrestler, but that's not really a game you can play with Snitsky. Instead, Venis made this match into a completely believable brawl, and that's why Snitsky looked so good.

Result: Snitsky defeats Val Venis with the Pump Handle Slam.
Length: 3:38
Best Spot: Snitsky catching Venis in mid-air and tossing him back-first into the top turnbuckle
Rating: *½


Carlito vs. Seagull! Carlito vs. Seagull! Carlito vs. Seagull! Best… Commercial… Ever…


Match 4: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea

Background: At Katie Lea's behest, Paul Burchill attacked "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan last week on Heat after Duggan had defeated jobber Jason Riggs. That makes Paul and Katie evil foreigners. And if there's one thing Jim Duggan hates, it's evil foreigners. Thus Duggan is looking to pick up the win in this match to gain revenge for last week's assault. On the other hand, Burchill is hoping to score the victory so that he can nail his sister after the show. I can't believe I just had to type that…

Overview: Duggan takes control early with a volley of punches followed by a (hella sloppy) hip toss and two running clothesline. Duggan scores with a second volley of punches, so Burchill rolls to the ring apron to catch a breather. Duggan reaches over the top rope to retrieve Burchill, but Burchill grabs Duggan by the head and drops him neck-first down onto the top rope. Burchill rolls back in the ring, chokes Duggan across the second rope, gets a single leg takedown, and stomps on Duggan's neck for a one count. Burchill raises Duggan up into a seated position and wrenches away on his neck, but Duggan fights back to his feet and breaks the hold with a flurry of elbow shots and punches. Duggan hits the ropes and charges at Burchill, but Burchill catches him with a knee shot to the gut. Burchill drops a knee down onto Duggan's chest for a two count, but again Duggan fights back with rights and lefts. Burchill drops Duggan with an elbow shot to the back of the head and then uses his knee to choke Duggan against the mat. Duggan once again fights back with fists flying, but Burchill rakes Duggan's eyes, gives him a shoulder block to the gut in the corner, hits him with a snap mare takedown, and applies a rear chin lock. Burchill tries to slam Duggan's head into the top turnbuckle, but Duggan blocks and instead slams Burchill's head into the top turnbuckle. Duggan heads up top for a series of mounted punches and then connects with a big back body drop. Duggan heads to the corner and goes for the Three Point Stance Clothesline, but Burchill slides out of the way causing Duggan to slam into the corner chest-first. Burchill takes advantage of the situation, finds a quick roll-up, and gets the three count.

Analaysis: First of all, I LOVE the fact that there was a real feeling of continuity on this episode of Heat. Three of the four matches this week were direct consequences of matches or incidents from last week, and the Divas match played off of a match from only two weeks ago. In fact, this whole situation with Duggan and Burchill almost qualifies as a mini-feud, and we almost never get to see anything that even resembles a real feud on Heat. It was also great to see Duggan used correctly for once in this match. Duggan is an established veteran who will never again see any sort of credible push, but he can still be used to put over up-and-coming stars. That's the best way that Duggan can still play a valuable role in this company, and that's exactly what he did here. The only minor problem I have with this match is that it was the weakest match of the episode and yet was still given the main event position. However, this match did have the closest thing to a real feud that we've seen on Heat in some time, so I can maybe understand giving it the main event for storyline purposes.

Result: Paul Burchill defeats "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan with a roll-up pin.
Length: 3:58
Best Spot: Burchill's knee shot to the gut
Rating: ¾*


Okay kids, that's it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I'll see you back here next weekend.