411’s TNA Impact Report 3.13.08

TNA Impact Begins…NOW!

-We get a video package, detailing the events of last week. If TNA put half as much effort into their shows as they do these recaps, they’d be on fire. For a short clip at the start of the show, this was incredible.

PYRO!

– You may have noticed I’m not Larry Csonka. I’m his non-union Canadian equivalent, Chris Lansdell of The Way I C It. Please be aware that my star ratings are probably all over the place, so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you disagree.

– Every time I hear Tenay go “…yes,…”, I’m taking a drink. I should be unconscious before the second hour. Rellik is killer spelled backwards means chugging.

Jim Cornette is in ring to announce a double main for Lockdown. 1st is Joe-Angle eleventy billion. Second is Lethal Lockdown. AJ and Christian as captains I’m guessing…Christian is introduced to a good pop. Face turn cemented. Aw crap, Tomko is the other captain. Still a good choice. Cornette gives them 2 weeks to assemble. Cage brings up Tomko screwing him out of the world title and calls him Angle’s lapdog and a pussy. Oh snap! Tomko snaps and we have a brawl. AJ is out and the heels beat on Cage until Nash makes the save.

TO THE BACK and JB is with Karen Angle. JB gets in the cheap flirting and asks about the bombshell she’s delivering tonight, but Karen won’t spill the beans until after Kurt’s match tonight. Stay tuned viewers! PLEASE!

Crystal is with Scott Steiner, Rhaka Khan and Petey Williams. They’re talking about the cases. Steiner controls the title picture apparently, which explains why everyone else is getting a title shot. He needs Petey to bring something to the table, so he needs to win tonight vs. Curry Man to qualify for the X-Division shot at Lockdown. Petey thinks it would be better if Steiner shared his X-division shot. No Dice.

We get a shot of Joel “Truck” Anderson in the crowd. Yay. No Fairplay though, thank God.

Maple Leaf Muscle Petey Williams (w/ Rhaka Khan) vs. Curry Man

Excuse me, I feel the urge to dance. Petey poses while Curry Man dances. Fabulous. Petey looks “well”. That TNA drug program is doing wonders I see. Petey gets pissed at the dancing, throws a boot, which is blocked, Curry Man with the headlock, backed into the ropes, Petey drops down and Curry Man dances on his back! Fabulous. Another curried headlock, Petey drops down and uses the momentum to throw Curry Man to the outside. Slingshot rana to the outside by Petey!!! Curry Man back in as Petey stands on the apron waiting…slingshot codebreaker gets 2. Back breaker into a neckbreaker by Petey gets another 2. Damn but Rhaka Khan is ugly. Snapmare by Petey into a chinlock. Curry Man uses the old elbows to the gut to escape, runs to the ropes and into a drop toehold by Petey and a running dropkick on the ropes. Petey measures Curry Man and it ends up being an exchange of tilt-a-whirly stuff. Dropkick by Curry Man and both men are down. Back elbow, whip and a backdrop by Curry Man. CurryLine, then he perches Petey in the corner backwards, backs off then slams in with the butt butt!!! I miss Iceman King Parsons. Curry Man up top and hits a cross body but Rhaka Khan is on apron to prevent the count. Petey takes advantage of the distraction and hits a back kick, Curry Man ducks the next attack, causing Petey to run into Rhaka Khan. Northern lights suplex with a bridge gets 3!

Winner: Curry Man via pinfall (northern lights suplex w/ bridge)

It was nothing special, but certainly not bad. It accomplished what it needed to, got Curry Man the win and managed to do some solid ring work in the process.
Rating: **

Steiner is out now with handcuffs and a blindfold, it seems. I’ll resist the urge to make any jokes, but Rhaka Khan does look like Shaniqua…

JB is with Jim Cornette, who mentions that JB failed his American Idol audition. See, we’re cool because we make pop culture references at random! Cornette offers Christian a tag match against StyleKo if Christian can find a partner. Nash, maybe? 3D are in and ask how it feels to be head pirate on a sinking ship. Brother Ray suggests Cornette eat a gun, and Cornette asks if he has one. I see. Tasteful. 3D are going to let Cornette know what they’re going to do before they do it. Isn’t that nice. Bubba shoots on Sharky, calling him a jobber, and reality stars, presumably Joel and Fairplay. Wonder where this is going. They threaten to kill any machine gun, retarded guppies or curry men, or any reality stars. So is Joel going to rescue someone, or are they going to pick on him?

We get a package on the history of Samoa Joe in TNA, mentioning his unbeaten streak, his moves and the fact that he ended Christian’s streak and made Kurt tap. As usual, a brilliantly done package.

Joe is out in a suit. Wow that’s incongruent. Did he sign that contract yet? Why do I feel it will be forgotten? Joe says he’s getting a fair shot at the title, which he was waiting for, for 3 years. Joe puts over Nash and the fans (cheap pop). He then promises that if he loses he will never be back in a TNA ring. Well that just about guarantees he will win then. He then says the next time we see him it will be with the belt. So he’s not going to be on Impact for a month, or is he going to attack Angle and steal the belt tonight?

Back from commercial, and Christian is with Crystal. Cage is looking for a partner and asks Rhyno to be his partner. In a stunning display of continuity for any wrestling program, Rhyno looks rather unconvinced and walks out after telling Cage in no uncertain terms that he should relocate himself forthwith.

Rellik is Killer spelled backwards and Black Reign vs. Motor City Machine Guns

The forgotten men vs. the men we wish we could forget. Black Reign kills Sabin outside while Rellik kills Shelley inside. Rellik is killer spelled backwards CHUG. Nice double team move by the monsters, double-team stun gun into a face-first powerbomb by Rellik on Alex Shelley. COMMERCIAL

WE ARE BACK and the monsters are killing Shelley still. DRINK. Rellik hits a huge superkick on Sabin who is standing on the apron. That was nice. Press slam countered by Shelley, who hits a spiffy back kick. Reign comes in, straight into a double team downward spiral-DDT on the monsters. Sabin in, missile dropkick on Black Reign, and a revolution head scissors on Rellik. Whip reversed, Sabin jumps over a charging Rellik, ducks a clothesline and nails an enziguiri. Running elbow by Sabin, then each man hits poetry in motion on a monster. Stereo superkick gets 2 for the Guns. Black Reign in, Shelley charges and gets backdropped over the top to the floor. Looked nasty. Sabin eats a stun gun in the corner and a huge lariat for the 3.

Winners: The Monsters via Pinfall (lariat on Sabin by Rellik)

It could have been so much worse, but that’s not to say it was good. Some nice spots but too short and the result was oh so wrong. So very very wrong. Dear Machine Guns…you have been:

BEERIED!
Rating: **

Reign has the mic and calls out Super Eric. DRINK Ask and ye shall receive as Eric comes out complete with superhero music and lack of fear of pyro. EY cleans house on the monsters and stands tall. Umm, TNA? Gregory Helms on line 1, WWE on line 2.

To The Back and JB is with AJ Syles. JB reminds AJ who he is and makes sure he puts on the crown before opening the mystery door. It’s Karen, of course, and she wants to see AJ, touching scenes result. She had some stuff to take care of, but it wouldn’t be fair to tell him before Kurt. She does a lot of touching his face and leaves. Tomko comes barging in after Karen leaves and lays into AJ for having his head in his ass. Hey look, a tag team that is not getting along!

Match 3: Kaz vs. Kurt Angle
This should be good. We get the entrances then a commercial? Weird timing.

We’re back right into the bell. DRINK. Kaz controls the arm early, Angle with some shots to gain control. Irish whip reversed, a flurry of kicks by kaz ending in a jumping back heel for 2. Kaz telegraphs backdrop and eats Angle’s laces. Angle throws Kaz outside hard. He rolls Kaz back in and hits a vertical suplex for 2. Chinlock by Angle, Kaz with elbows to escape again, Kurt ducks one and hits the triple Germans…no! Kaz flips out of the 3rd and a double clothesline has both men down. Kaz does the block and punch routine. Irish whip reversed, Kaz ducks the clothesline and hits some of his own. Sloppy as hell slingshot DDT by Kaz gets 2.899. Angle with a knee, Kaz replies in kind then hits a gorgeous pump kick for 2. Angle rolls into the Angle lock, Kaz rolls through into Wave of the Future!!!!! which gets 2.977. That was close. Kaz backs him to the corner, lifts him to the top and goes for the flux capacitor!!! It’s blocked, Angle shoves Kaz down, but Kaz pulls an Angle, runs up the ropes and hits the Capacitor sloppily. 2.9998!!!!!! Kaz stalks Angle, goes for the Wave but it’s blocked into a takedown, Angle lock with the grapevine. Kaz fights it but can’t make the ropes and taps.

Winner: Kurt Angle via submission (angle lock)

Yes, this was good. With another 5 minutes, it would have been amazing. As usual with TNA and even ECW, it felt like they tired to do too much in too little time. Kaz got in a lot of offense, which was fine, but he was getting very close falls on Kurt very early, which makes Kurt look weak and unable to take punishment. I have no problem with the result, but so many near falls for Kaz and so little offense for Angle just didn’t sit right with me. Oh, and there was some sloppiness too. Kaz is starting to remind me of someone in the WWE…someone with blonde hair and dark skin…
Rating: ***

Kurt has the mic and says he wants to hurt Joe more than Joe wants to hurt him. Joe is a loser, but Kurt is the best. To be the best of all-time, though, he needs to beat Joe. He goes on to call Joe fat. Karen is out to say she’s really a man. Oh, my bad, she wants a separation. Sorry, didn’t we have this LAST time Joe fought Angle? Angle loves the idea, it gives him more time to focus on Joe. He wants to make sure Karen will take the kids! Wow, this is bad. Karen is upset and Kurt is confused. Russo at his finest.

We get the BG James/Kip James video package. it’s an interesting idea, and it would make people care about the wrestlers, if they were doing it to young, lesser-known guys. All this is doing is reminding people of WWE.

Rock and Rave Infection are with Crystal. JIMMY RAVE! Sorry. Lance Hoyt is doing a piss poor impression of Slash. They do their normal schtick and head out for their match with LAX.

Crowd shot shows the Detroit Tigers front row. Most of them, from the looks of it.

Rock n Rave Infection & Christy Hemme vs. LAX and Salinas

Rave and Homicide to start. Clothesline by Homicide, then a snap suplex gets 2. Irish whip reversed, leapfrog by Rave, but Homicide with the inverted atomic drop and an elbow gets 2. Rave fights back with a desperation jawbreaker and gets the tag to Lance Hoyt as we go to COMMERCIAL.

WE ARE BACK and Homicide is in charge with a big belly-to-belly throw. Hernandez gets the tag in and nails his overhead throw, then a big beale. He drops Hoyt, then busts out a sweet half nelson suplex on Rave. He may be dead. Hoyt breaks up the pin. Hernandez flies over the top with a tope onto Hoyt! That never ceases to amaze me. Homicide with a cutter and goes for the Gringo Killah, Rave slips out and a tag to Hemme! Salinas in and beats Hemme to a pulp. Inverted DDT by Salinas gets 2. Rave slides in a guitar and Hemme WAFFLES Salinas with it. That’ll be the 3.

Winners: Rock n Rave Infection via pinfall (Hemme pins Salinas after guitar-flavored shenanigans)

Yeah, ok. They worked in their trademark spots, but once again it just didn’t do anything for me. The result and the booking were fine if this is going to be an ongoing feud, but all 4 men are capable of so much more.
Rating: *¾

Recap of the Lethal/SoCal date. Upshot is that Dutt hijacks the date.

Crystal is with Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Roxxi Laveaux for the makeover. Roxxi freaks out and the blonde bombers annihilate her. “We’re just trying to help you, you freak!” Fabulous.

Back from commercial, Gail Kim is with JB. Gail is not sure why she has Velvet tonight but the thing between her and Kong is far from over. Good.

Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky

Headlock takedown by Kim, Sky up but gets put in a hammerlock. Sky goes to the ropes and lays in some shots. Irish whip to the corner by Sky, who follows her in but Kim goes up over the top, smacks in the forearms, then walks up the ropes with the lucha arm drag. Kim charges but eats a drop toehold into the ropes. Choke by Sky in the ropes. Snap mare, kick to the spine and basement dropkick by Sky gets 2. Another choke. Gail fights back with forearms and chops, tries a whip but eats a boot. Sky comes off the ropes with a bulldog for 2. Kim is in the corner and down, Sky goes for the Bronco Buster but Kim moves. Clotheslines by Kim, whip to the corner and the worst monkey flip ever by Kim. Straitjacket neckbreaker by Kim, but Angelina Love is on the apron, causing the ref and Gail to be distracted. Sky tries for a slam but it gets reversed into another sloppy move, an air raid crash this time, for the 3.

Winner: Gail Kim via pinfall (Air raid crash)

Is this sloppy move and jump on the apron night? This is probably one of the worst Knockouts matches we’ve seen so far. Sadly. It’s better than almost any WWE Diva match we’ve seen in a long time.
Rating: *

Angelina is in and we have a 2-lady beat down on Gail. She ducks a double clothesline and escapes, but KONG!!! attacks her from behind. KONG!!! nails a tree slam, but Kim escapes the Awesome bomb and hits Kong with a spear. She lays in the fists, but Saeed is in and nails Gail with a belt shot. KONG with the short arm clothesline. Crowd wants ODB. 2nd try for the Awesome bomb and HERE’S ODB with chair. Kong reluctantly backs down.

To The Back and Crystal is asking Cage about his partner AGAIN. Nash wants to be the guy. Plenty of diesel left in this tank, fabulous. Cage agrees and we have the match that should just have been made in the opening segment. Waste of my time. Take all this backstage nonsense and give some time to matches. You are wrestling, remember?

Christian Cage and Kevin Nash vs. StyleKo

Brawl before the bell on the outside. Cage hits AJ on the rail and rolls him in. AJ with some stiff shots, Cage comes back with a back elbow. AJ goes for a rana, blocked and a big powerbomb gets 2 for Cage. Nicely done, smoothly executed. Tomko is in and hits a powerslam on Cage. As long as Nash stays right there on the apron, I’m cool. Chops in the corner by Tomko. Tag to AJ who lays in the boots. Tomko in now and Cage fights back with chops. Tomko pokes the eye and scoops him up, Cage slips out and hits the inverted DDT. we head to commercial as Angle comes down the ramp.

We’re back and we see Angle getting involved and removed by Security. AJ is in control nonetheless, and makes a tag to Tomko. Corner beat down by the champs. Cage fights back again but Tomko lays in a big chop and a snap suplex for 2. Cage with more chops, he runs for the tag but is picked up and perched on the opposite buckle by Tomko, who then eats a tornado DDT and both men are down! Cage gets the tag and Nash is a house! en! fuego! Side slam to AJ gets 2, broken up by Tomko. Tomko to the ropes and Cage gets low bridges him to the outside. Styles in control, goes for the clash on Nash (!!), who of course hits the backdrop. Jacknife powerbomb by Nash, frog splash by Cage gets 2 before Tomko saves. 3D are out and are beating down on Nash??!!? Guess we know Tomko’s team. Nash gains control, Cage is back in but Tomko puts the numbers back in favour of the heels. Tornadoplex to Cage. StyleKo hold Nash down while 3D destroy his knee with steel chairs. 3D then confront Joel and start beating him down. We end with Ray pasting him hard.

Winners: Cage and Nash by DQ

Well I guess the main purpose of the match was to tease Lethal Lockdown and show us Tomko’s team. It accomplished that. Once again, the match wasn’t bad, but it failed to catch my interest.
Rating: **¼