The Smackdown Breakdown 3.21.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 03.23.2008

Handicap matches and handicapped commentary.

by J.D. Dunn

Sorry it's late, but I have six hours of Lucha, the NWA Showcase, and about five hours of AWA on my DVR.

Oh, and stay away from my future wife Farinella! Well, she doesn't know she's my future wife yet. I'm still having difficulty finding ether and a pair of handcuffs strong enough. Don't make me steal your sandwich, Tony.



::drool::

March 21, 2008

From Biloxi, Miss.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jonathan Coachman.

We get footage of Virtual Batista beating Virtual Umaga courtesy of THQ's Smackdown vs. Raw. That probably had better pacing than the real thing will.

Handicap Match: Batista vs. Deuce & Domino.
Batista jumps Deuce at the bell and yanks in Domino too. Deuce hits Batista with a flying kick, but Batista shrugs it off. D&D try to doubleteam Batista (NUMBERS GAME!) but Batista, again, just shrugs them off. The Demonbomb finishes at 2:09. 1/4*

Assistant GM Teddy Long hosts the Diva Motorcycle contest. This week – arm-wrestling. Victoria busts out the old spit-in-their-face trick to beat Eve. Michelle beats Cherry cleanly. That leaves Michelle vs. Victoria, and Michelle overpowers her. Victoria screams like her arm is being ripped apart like in The Fly. And then, they eliminate the lowest vote-getter from last week. Well, that's just stupid. They have you compete and then eliminate you based on the previous week's competition. What if Victoria had won this week? More importantly, why am I analyzing the internal logic of the Diva contest?

Video Package: Floyd Mayweather overcomes adversity to become one of the world's biggest douchebags.

Chris Jericho puts over Big Show's punching prowess.

Handicap Match: The Big Show vs. The Naturals & Luke Hawx.
No one even gets an offensive move in on Show. He shoves Hawx over the top, tosses Stevens, and knocks out Andy Douglas with a right hand (which is like getting hit in the head with a typewriter!). He gets the pin at 1:19. 1/4*

Raven returns to the WWE… well, Raven Symone. She teamed up with the WWE for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. You haven't lived until you've seen Randy Orton's cover of "The Double Dutch Bus."

Edge (w/The Rated Rmy) vs. Funaki.
We have a Funaki sighting! Either that, or somebody washed Takeshi Morishima on "hot." Edge gets cocky (duh), allowing Funaki to get a crossbody. Edge boots Shoichi in the face, though. What? That's his name. Cole again calls Edge "Machiavellian-like." Again, "Machiavellian" means "like Machiavelli." You don't need to say "like Machiavelli like." AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE'S NOT EVEN MACHIAVELLIAN! Edge hits the spear but pulls Funaki up and finishes with the Tombstone at 5:38. VINTEDGE UNDERTAKER! Edge promises we will all see what he's capable of. Well, it's not making this match with Funaki interesting. 1/2*

The VIP Lounge.

MVP's very special guest is Chris Jericho. MVP does a pretty good Jericho impression, actually. Jericho makes fun of MVP's conveniently arranged initials. MVP demonstrates how he's going to go up the ladder and grab the briefcase, so Jericho simply shoves over the ladder and takes the case from him.

A few people have pitched a very good idea for a post-Mania feud between Jericho and MVP where Jericho wins the match and grabs the case, but MVP jumps him and steals it. Since the contract is in the case, Jericho wouldn't be able to sign it, thus he needs to get back. MVP offers Jericho a match to earn it back, but if Jericho loses, he loses the right to sign it.

Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo.
The WWE was kind enough to send me a copy of the 2008 Royal Rumble, so I was watching it the other day and Chuck Palumbo's "You Will Remember Me!" theme song hit but he didn't come out immediately, and the only thing I could think was, "Who in the hell is this?" Well, I guess they didn't say we'd remember the song. Palumbo tosses Kane into the post and locks in an armbar. Coach notes that Chuck can "go both sides of the fence." I think we all remember the Billy and Chucky era. Coach meant Palumbo could match up against many different styles, though. Kane comes back with the flying clothesline as we go to break. The Great Khali storms out when we come back from break. Cole: I DON'T THINK HE'S OUT HERE TO EXCHANGE HANDSHAKES! Wouldn't it be cool if he was, though? "Hi, Great Khali. Damn glad to meet you." Khali chops Kane in the head and Tree Slams Palumbo. Oh, but Mark Henry walks out and powerslams Khali. The match was around 9:30 and had little redeeming value before the interference. 1/2*

WWE Tag Team Titles: Miz & Morrison vs. Jesse & Festus.
The bell rings, and juiced-up David Koechner goes nuts on Morrison. He only knows words like "ball," and "good"… and "rape." Jesse tags in and hits Morrison with a crossbody, but he gets distracted by Miz. Morrison hits a springboard kick. Miz applies an armbar and scrapes his elbowpad against Jesse's face. Cole says it must be like rubbing sandpaper on someone's face. I remember in Woodshop when I used three elbowpads smoothing down the spice rack I made for my mom. Starter elbowpads -- now available in 80-grit! Jesse finally blocks a Morrison suplex and hits his own. HOT TAG TO FESTUS! Festus cleans house on the heels and hits the John Holmes Press on Miz. Morrison yanks down the ropes, spilling Festus to the floor, though. That allows Miz to hit the Reality Check on Jesse at 7:30. Not bad, but hardly memorable. **

The Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/Edge & The Rated Rmy).
I can't help but think that there *might* be a screwjob here. Taker quickly starts dismantling Chavito and hits the Old School Ropewalk Forearm. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER! Taker pummels Chavo in the corner. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER! Taker gets distracted by Ryder, so Chavo dumps him over the top. THE NUMBERS GAME! Back in, Chavo goes after Taker's arm. Cole and Coach put over what a huge win this would be for Chavo. Yeah, but this is a guy who jobbed to one-armed Rey Mysterio, so I don't see it happening. Taker powers out of a keylock. The Snake Eyes sets up a big boot, and Taker knocks the Rated Rmy off the apron. The Gogogadgetplata finishes at 5:21. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER! *1/4

Edge spears Taker after the match, and the Rated Rmy pounces on him "almost like a pack of wolves, picking at the Undertaker's damaged carcass." How Jack Londonian-like of Michael Cole. Edge gives Taker a Conchairto as we close the show.

Just to point out – they bill Edge as "undefeated at WrestleMania," so presumably they're not counting Money in the Bank. I guess that's understandable because he was never pinned and didn't submit. But, by that token, shouldn't we dismiss his 2000 and 2001 wins? And, if you do, you realize that Edge's "unbeaten streak" isn't nearly as impressive. But hey, if it sells tickets, run with it.

The 411: The "Edge" episodes of Smackdown are starting to become like the Shelley Hack episodes of "Charlie's Angels." Like a lot of Smackdown champs, they planned his title loss almost as soon as he won the damn thing (unless he retains, which doesn't change anything until *after* Wrestlemania), so his title reign was nothing more than waiting for WrestleMania to face the Undertaker. In order to keep a guy over, you have to keep him interesting, and grinding his gigantic teeth and running his hands through his hair just ain't cuttin' it. Jericho vs. MVP was interesting, the rest… I've already forgotten.