ECW Rant of AweXomeness 4.01.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 04.01.2008

It's the first ECW after Wrestlemania XXIV, we've got a new Champion in Kane, and CM Punk is still on Tuesdays!

Hello, ladies and gentlefolk. I'm Elmo Machete, 411 Wrestling's newest recapper and resident Elmo Machete. I've been watching professional wrestling for almost ten years now & after watching several old PPV's from the Attitude Era, I have NO idea what attracted me to wrestling in the first place (c'mon, anyone else remember "WHERE TO, STEPHANIE?!?"). I'm currently big into Ring of Honor, pay only the vaguest attention to TNA, and miss WCW as well as the original ECW. The new brand is alright, I guess... it's usually the best show the WWE puts on all week, because it seems that with only an hour it's easier for them to focus on actually having, y'know, wrestling matches.

LAST SUNDAY - a 24 man battle royale with all the guys Vince couldn't think of anything to do with. Khali mysteriously still has a job and is booked strongly, and Kane last eliminates Mark Henry to get a shot at Chavo and his title later on the card. Later, it's not a match, Kane's the "ECW Champion."

TV-14 DLSV, LIVE in WWECWHD, your hosts are Joey Styles and Tazz and it's Kane walkin' down the ramp as the new ECW Champion. I don't hate the idea of him as a "World Champion" of sorts, because he deserves something a little better than a one day reign from days of yore. Kane's talking about everything we just saw recapped, and he claims the match with Chavo only lasted eight seconds. Alright, what was it? Three, eight, ten? The fans start chanting "E-C-Dub," which is so bizarre that anyone would still do that at one of these shows. Kane states that now that he's Champion, ECW hasn't seen anything yet... which brings out CM Punk with his Money in the Bank briefcase. He's decorated it with a sticker of that swanky t-shirt design of his. Kane sounds extremely Southern while threatening Punk. Punk, meanwhile, talks up how his title shot could happen anytime, and is then interrupted by Chavo who comes out to demand his contractually obligated rematch. Punk congratulates Chavito on holding the new record for shortest Wrestlemania match ever. Chavo calls Kane's win a fluke, that he was taken by surprise and attacked from behind. Chavo announces that he's talked to Armando Alejandro Estrada, and tonight Kane and CM Punk will team against him and Shelton Benjamin. That, of course, brings out Benji, who manages to not completely embarass himself on the mic while touting himself as Superman by still being able to walk after MitB. Punk disses his silly nickname and hair color, then wraps it up by rubbing Money in the Bank in his face. Oh, how I hope and pray they don't waste CM Punk's title shot on the worthless belt he's already held.

BREAK.

We're back with more Wrestlemania clip video fun shilling the week-long replay... if they'd wanted to turn Punk heel immediately, they could've had him fight Undertaker RIGHT AFTER he'd won the World title and ended the streak then and thurr.

STEVIE RICHARDS (w/Mike Knox feud replays) vs. MIKE KNOX. What made them start wanting to use THIS dude again? Was it that he's gotten chubbier? They lock up, & Stevie gets driven into the corner with shoulders before nailing an enziguri that sends Knox outside. Knox hits a back elbow, takes Stevie back inside, and it's clubbering forearms then a stalling vertical suplex. They punch, knee, and chop one another before Knox grabs a bearhug for about three seconds. Stevie breaks it, bounces around the ropes and gets locked right back in it. Richards tries to break the hold with the Mongolian chops, then bites his way out of it only to get back suplexed. Mike Knox ascends to the second rope for a diving legdrop, but Stevie rolls out of the way. Manhattan drop & loads of stiff-ish kicks get two. Stevie goes back to the kicking and chops, winds up in the corner and ends up getting back suplexed across Knox's knee. He hits the twisting flatliner, and that finishes Stevie off.
*3/4 (Ripping off Roderick Strong and Alex Shelley must be good enough for a push on the C-show.)

Hall of Fame ceremony recap. I apprieciate the HoF being there... I just couldn't care less about watching those ceremonies.

BREAK.

Next April the 5th, 2009, Wrestlemania XXV is in Texas. No, I doubt Steve Austin will wrestle. Drink beer, stun someone, yes. Wrestle, no.

Tazz is in the ring with Colin Delaney, who is glad he didn't have a match at Wrestlemania because he ended up not getting beat up. Someone needs to show this kid how to emote. Estrada comes out, and is apprieciative of Colin's efforts to become a WWE Superstar. He offers Delaney a contract, but MUAHAHAHAHA APRIL FOOL'S! I forgot that was today. To earn a contract, all Armando makes Colin do is face... pause for dramatic effect... THE BIG SHOW.
COLIN DELANEY vs. the BIG SHOW. Hee hee, Colin looks like a twelve year old in front of Show. Biggles won't let him walk away after the bell sounds, kinda smirks, then throws on the camel clutch. The ref calls for the bell as Colin passes out almost immediately, so Show swings and slams him violently to the mat.
N/A (Not a match, but good enough for what it was. Served its' purpose.)

TONIGHT, "ECW Champion" Kane and CM Punk vs. Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero.

BREAK.

Yes, Red Hot Chili Peppers' song "Snow" WAS the Wrestlemania theme song. No, it didn't really fit as one, if you ask me.

Tazz is browsing WWE.com during the show (how unprofessional!), and Joey sends us to recaps of Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels from WM, and Flair's retirement speach from Raw. I actually missed both Wrestlemania AND Raw, but neither really looks to have disappointed. The Horsemen, Steamboat... damn. Nice segment. Bad song. What's with them and horrible clip video music choices lately?

BREAK. Anyone else think the Star Wars saga loses alot of its' charm watched in numerical order?

CHAVO GUERRERO & SHELTON BENJAMIN (w/WWE the Music Volume 8 graphic) vs. CM PUNK & "ECW Champion" KANE. Punks starts off with Benji, and gets driven to the corner with a big "CM Punk" chant going. Punk takes Shelton down with some mounted punches, they brawl and Punk hits a floatover suplex. Tag to Kane, punchy punch, snapmare and a low dropkick to Benji's grill. Replay of the dropkick causes us to miss Shelton weakening Kane's leg, Chavo tags in and starts going right after it. He beats on Kane in the corner, but that does little good so Benjamin comes back in. Kane drops him and Chavo out of the ring with little effort, and Chavo's comeback on the apron is stopped by a kick from Punk as we head to commercial.

BREAK.

Instead of going back to the match after the break, they show the same encore-shilling WM recap package from earlier in the show. Ridiculous.
Kane's in there with Benji, and gets a two count after an elbow drop. Shelton is dragged to the corner for Punk to get tagged in, and Punk now does the snapmare/dropkick, but to the back of Shelton's skull. Punk gets caught with a kick while Benji bounces off the ropes, letting Chavo tag in. He hits the ropes, but eats a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Aimless brawling, Chavo sends Punk to the corner twice, hits a weak clothesline, charges again and gets fireman's carried up for the G2S but Benji kicks him in the face to break it. Replay of the kick while Shelton tags in and starts choking Punk out with his own arm. Punk breaks the hold but eats a "kitchen sink" knee to the gut for two. Benjamin drags Punk to the corner to tag in Chavo, who jumps over the ropes for a kneedrop with Benji holds Punk down. "Chavo sucks" chant as Guerrero starts working the back and leg with a surfboard and bridging Indian dethlock. Back to the surfboard, which Punk awkwardly breaks and Chavo rolls on top for two. Guerrero beats on Punk in the corner, Benji starts choking from the apron, and Punk fights them both off before Guerrero gets a dropkick. Tag to Benji, who starts punching away. Whip to the corner, Benji goes for a powerslam but Punk falls across his chest for a short count. Punk sneaks a small package that doesn't hold him down much longer, so Benji angrily stays on him & tags in Chavo. Pounding away on CM's back, Chavo then hits a snapmare and armbar. He turns it into a front facelock, but a vertical suplex is reversed to Punk's corner knee/running bulldog combo. Tag to Benji, he hesitates so Punk can tag Kane, and Kane starts pummeling Shelton with his usual punchy/elbow offense. Benjamin briefly makes a comeback, gets grabbed in a chokehold for the slam, Chavo runs up to break it and gets big booted for his trouble. Shelton breaks the choke before the slam, but gets big booted off the ropes. Kane goes up for the flying lariat, but Chavo crotches him. Punk comes in, misses the springboard clothesline but hits Benji with a leg lariat and the Go 2 Sleep, putting him out for the three count.
** (Basic main event tag team formula. It doesn't seem like either Chavo or Shelton were trying to impress anyone with that match.)
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So yeah, nevermind about that "more wrestling" thing I said at the open of the review. The first post-WMXXIV ECW seemed more concerned with reminding people that, YES, Wrestlemania WAS this past Sunday. Whatever, the breakout star of the show is still there for now, the new Champion looked dominant, and Stevie Richards is still on TV. I'm satisfied enough.

I'm Elmo Machete, http://www.myspace.com/456dotcom, thumbs up, cheap pop, see you next Tuesday.