The Dope on Smackdown 4.04.08

Posted by Michael O on 04.05.2008

Find the Jesse Ventura reference, win a "prize"

Hey everyone, I'm Mikey O and nobody calls me that in real life but you can if you want!

I'm a long time reader, first time columnist and I've been given the assignment of providing a ranty rundown of everybody's favorite Friday night fake fight fest.

First, a brief and unnecessary explanation of my regrettable column title choice which you are more than welcome to scroll past. After several minutes of wracking my brain trying to settle on a clever or catchy column title (The Smackdown Crackdown? The Diabolical Diatribe?), I found myself doing something I rarely do...I consulted a thesaurus. Nestled amongst a great many synonyms for report (noun 1) was a revelation of infinite significance: The Dope. Ah yes, how could I, having so recently just vanquished a robust joint, pass on that entry? I couldn't, until I woke up the next day. Being awake, sober, and now realizing the bowling shoe-like quality of my selection, not to mention the unflattering implication on it's author's mental faculties, I wracked some more knowing I didn't have much time before I needed to submit something. By the eleventh hour I hadn't been able to come up with anything else I connected with so I settled on my dopey title. Besides, I am usually stoned when I watch Smackdown (Hey, it's Friday! What, you sit though this stuff sober?) and if the shit fits, wear it. So there you have it, the straight dope, as it were. Now without further ado, here is The Dope on Smackdown:

We are not live from Miami, FLA with Michael Cole and Jonathan (he is not Jesus, though he has the same initials) Coachman.

Edge is out with Chavo, the Rmy, Vickie G. and Teddy L. Edge is wearing a Chavo shirt. Cute! Edge says that without the belt he feels naked and let down and after last night I'm sure my girlfriend can relate. Edge apologizes to Vicki and vows to regain the title in short order. Chavo feels the same and makes a similar vow. The Widow Guerrero promises her fellas a chance to redeem themselves at Backlash and announces Kane versus Taker for tonight. You know, Undertaker is only 2-1-1 at Backlash, so Edge actually stands a much better chance of beating him there then at Wrestlemania.

MITB highlights of MVP/Hardy

Matt Hardy beat MVP (US Champ) with the Twist of Fate in a non-title match
Well, why would the title be on the line? I mean, MVP just defended it a couple of weeks ago so he's not due for a defense until at least July. Good match, too bad Matt wasn't in shape to perform at 'Mania 'cause with a couple more minutes this would have been a fine addition to the Wrestlemania card. Oh, by the way, I don't do recaps or star ratings.

A pimp for Fuel and their shitty song that's been used in all of the farewell Flair segments.

The Rated Rmy call Festus "The Cornfed Colossus" in a pre-taped, pre-match segment. Why do I have a feeling JR came up with that one.

Festus defeated Zach Ryder with a flapjack
Cole and Coach made a joke about Snoop Dogg understanding Festus in a thinly veiled attack on potheads everywhere. Hey! Man! We don't judge you, we don't even, uh...what?

Pretty good meaningless little match. Hmm, PGMLM, wonder if I could make that stick?

Wrestlemania replay pimp. I've never understood people who wait for the results before they decide to watch a show like that. Don't you like to be surprised?

A look back at Ric Flair's emotional Monday night farewell which is indeed very fair to Flair. HBK has mixed emotions and he's coming up next!

A pimp for WWE the music vol.8, which I'm sure will make many a music critic's top ten list at year's end.

HBK and his mixed emotions are here. What, no "you screwed Flair" chants? He wasn't sure how he'd feel walking down the aisle to Flair's farewell shindig, but ultimately he got closure and - oh shit! Batista's here!! Batista is taking it personally that he'll never ride with Ric or see him step in the ring again. HBK gets all defensive. Batista thinks deep down Shawn knows he did the wrong thing and says if it was him, he would've laid down for Flair like he laid down after that Demon-Bomb on Umaga. Well, he said that first part anyway. Batista continues to let Shawn know what he thinks of him and leaves him standing in the ring. Oooh, that was tense. Hey,I'd pay to see HBK-Batista. Wouldn't pay for you though.

Coach thanks all the fans who came out to the Citrus bowl and those who watched around the world. You're welcome!

Kane & Taker are hanging out in a basement. After a few moments of silence 'Taker leaves. Okay then.

Vladimir Koslov beat Matt Bentley with a backbreaker from the torture rack position
Rackbreaker? Hey really, what is that called, I'm too lazy to pop in a Smackdown game and they get plenty of move names wrong anyway.

Vlad, who is the "I luff double double E" guy in case you were wondering, came out to no music. Who does he think he is, Bob Backlund? Total squash.

HHH DVD pimp.

Michael Cole highlights the specialness of tonight's main event by pointing out this is the first encounter between the Brothers of Destruction in four years. You know, that might feel more special if they hadn't faced eachother 34,517 times in the six years before that.

John Morrison & The Miz (tag champs) def. Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore in a non-title match
Morrison got the pin on Moore (I guess Moore is less) after that super sexy swinging neckbreaker of his in what was pretty much a squash. Yang & Moore got a nice pop which could indicate that they're on their way to being Monday night monster fodder come draft lottery time.

Khali comes out immediately after the match to deliver chops and tosses o'plenty. I guess Friday night needs monster fodder too. The Great Gary takes the mic and a couple of garbled sentences is all it takes to get the Big Show out. Show gets in his face and even says on the mic "I'm getting in your face", but Khali retreats. What a total pussy. Well, I guess the only question left is whether this turns up in the wRong or the Ridiculous section next week.

WM 25 pimp.

Finlay and Hornswoggle are coming back to Fridays, so does that mean they're all finished with JBL & McMahon? One would think Finlay has a bone or two left unpicked.

Teddy Long is in the ring introducing us to Johnny Frotto and his associates. Hey, I know who Johnny is from listening to the Howard Stern show but in the past few months I have timed my piss and smoke breaks around this crap so I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. Apparently somebody is about to win something. Cherry is out and so is Michelle McCool. Frotto, looking very Ricardo Montalbanesque, announces Michelle as the winner. Cool, what'd she win? Oh, a motorcycle. Good for her! Victoria is out and calls her "McDrool". Victoria tries to jump Michelle but fails. Now some other chick is attacking her. I don't care about any of this.

Goddamnit Michael Cole! Stop calling Wrestlemania "magical". It's gay.

Apparently Kane's ECW title victory is now the second shortest match in 'Mania history. What about Hart Foundation vs Bolsheviks from WM 6? Didn't they win in like, 3 seconds?

Undertaker (World Heavyweight Champ) and Kane (ECW champ) went to a no-contest thanks to interference from Edge, Chavo & the Rmy
You know, this was also the first time they've both fought as world champions. It's the first time they've fought since Smackdown moved to Friday nights too. First time since Kane was engaged to be married and it's also the first time since Undertaker killed Kane's dad. There was some actual wrestling for the first part and even more surprising it looked pretty good, too. The rest was pretty much a greatest hits from their previous encounters and unfortunately the baddies broke things up just as things were looking to get hot. Overall, this was towards the decent spectrum of what you'd expect and nobody can complain about the finish as of course it would be ludicrous for either man to have been pinned by the other tonight.

Post-match the heels beat the brothers down and look to celebrate but UH-OH, double sit up time. The Rmy gets tossed and double tombstones on Edge and Chavo close things out.

HBK isn't the only one with mixed emotions tonight as I have some on the future of Smackdown. On one hand, as a life-long Undertaker mark, I'm thrilled that the dead man has the big gold belt around his waist. On the other, as a half-life long cynical "smark", I'm not sure how many more Mark Henry, Big Daddy V, Great Khali, main event clunkers I can take. Hopefully the impending draft will give the big dog some new and more interesting meat to chew on. Still high on Wrestlemania, among other things, so I'll call this a good show.

Speaking of, this site seems one Wrestlemania opinion piece short so I'll fill that void right now. I enjoyed the shit out of this year's show. Flair/HBK met my fairly high expectations, MITB was terrific, both title matches were even better than I thought they'd be and the crap was kept short. Oh, and I totally called Orton!

Overall I think this may have been the best 'Mania since it all began again. As a bit of a departure, I watched it this year with half a dozen people who rarely, if ever, watch wrestling. I'm usually surrounded by at least a few die hard fans but it gave me the chance to soak in the opinions of the relatively uninitiated and get some perspectives that hadn't been tainted by emotional investment. I noted that of the "new crop" of superstars, Batista and Umaga were perceived to have the brightest future, despite their abysmal outing. Nobody bought Randy Orton as legitimate main event talent. The people I watched it with all agreed that he lacks "the look" and "the ferociousness" of a main event contender. I asked who among the three seemed the most title worthy. Everybody said Triple H. Someone else observed that Randy looked like their dickhead cousin. Which is of course, for the future of the company and for dickhead cousins the world over, why Orton was the only right choice to win. Edge was given similar short shrift by my compadres, but that perception was slightly altered by the end of his fantastic showing against Taker. If the booking at Wrestlemania is any indication, and it should be, the "E" is without a doubt onto something resembling the right track when it comes to making new stars.

That's all for now, thanks for reading and I'll "see" you next week, where I promise to talk a lot less about myself!