ECW Rant of AweXomeness 4.08.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 04.08.2008

This week, Colin Delaney gets another shot at an ECW contract! Guess how THAT turns out...

HELLO once again 411wrasslin' readers... I, as always, am Elmo Machete, 411's new "ECW Guy" and official rusty blade-wielding Muppet. I used'a write recaps of the new "ECW" program on my MySpace (myspace.com/456dotcom, thumpsup/CHEAPPOP!), but I stopped after I got sick of Vince McMahon as champion and Benoit went crazy. Plus, I lost my cable TV because I'm poor. Anyhow... I've actually listened to the comments on my last (FIRST~!) column, because I apprieciate anyone reading what I've written, their comments... and because I haven't had much else to do. Sorry about all the jokes, if anyone wanted less of those... I guess it's a defense mechanism. But, if I don't focus on joking, I've got to focus on straight up play-by-play recapping... which OTHER people didn't seem to like very much. Whatever... I'm sure there's a happy medium. Or, people could shaddap & read. I KID, I KID. So, ECW...
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This opening song sucks. WWE's choice in music these days sucks. Paul Heyman is right about (some) things.

TV-14 DLSV, CC, WWECWHD, we are Notlive, Joey Styles and Tazz at ringside. TONIGHT, an "official contract signing" for the Backlash rematch between Chavo Guerrero & Kane. Has ANYONE ever cared about these wastes of in-ring time?

THE MIZ (WWE Tag Team Champion, w/John Morrison) vs. CM PUNK (w/swanky MitB briefcase). Morrison joins Tazz & Joey on commentary - hopefully he doesn't ruin the match this time. I haven't bought a wrestling t-shirt in years... but I may just buy Punk's. Are they really pushing an issue between him and Nitro? Get Punk on Raw already. Lockup, Punk back Miz to the ropes. Headlock by Punk, Miz sends him off the ropes and gets shoulderblocked, then re-headlocked. Repeat of the shoulderblock, Punk gets a sweet roll-up for two, then back to the headlock. Miz reverses to his own, which Punk breaks and gets met with a pair of Miz's shoulders. He tries for a third, but gets drop toeholded (toeheld?) and thrown in an Indian dethlock. Punk starts kicking away at the leg, which gets two (did Nitro just say Cleveland Steamer?). Miz slingshots Punk over the ropes to the outside, and while he's on the apron and distracted by Mr. Tough Enough Miz knocks him off and starts going to work with your basic WWE On the Floor Offense. Back inside, Miz gets a near fall, then a rear chinlock. Hold broken, Punk leveled with a clothesline for two. They brawl back and forth, and Punk kicks Miz in the face before he gets the springboard clothesline. Morrison runs up for the distraction, allowing Miz to get a running Side Effect for two... then, Morrison gets ejected by the ref while Miz strangles Punk into the commercial.

BREAK.

We're back, Miz drops Punk and starts a'punchin'. This gets two, then Miz hits Punker with some crossfaces across the ropes before vaulting to the outside and snapping the neck. Another near-fall, and now he locks in a surfboard stretch that Punk rolls him up out of for two. Miz kicks out, hits him with Christian Cage's dragon backbreaker (kinda), then goes to a camel clutch (CAMEL, yes. Not cobra. Sorry). Punk to his feet, they criss-cross the ropes and hit the patented double clothesline. Punk gets up first, starts slapping and kicking, then whips Miz off the ropes into a spinning heel kick. Miz gets powerslammed out of the corner, but he backs Punk into the opposite one when he tries the underhook backbreaker. Whip to the other one and Punk eats a clothesline, Miz going through the ropes and back in with a slingshot splash for two. Punk nails an enziguri, knee to the face in the corner, running bulldog, Go 2 Sleep, thank you, goodnight.
**3/4 (Pretty darn okay for a free TV opener, especially since... y'know, it was the Miz and all.)

Backstage, Colin "Whipwreck" Olsen/Delaney bugs Armando (Alejandro?) Estrada about getting a contract, again. He's got Tommy Dreamer in tow, who fights for Colin's right to earn a contract, so Estrada makes Dreamer vs. Delaney for tonight - Delaney wins, he gets a contract. Dreamer loses, and he's fired. Armando leaves, leaving Colin to stare at Tommy and (presumably) wonder why he hasn't changed his shirt since Wrestlemania.

BREAK. NO... why God, WHY?!? "Obama" vs. "Clinton?!?" Did we not learn anything from the Rosie/Trump debacle? Is Ace Steel going to pretend to be Hilary this time? What the fuck, Vince. What the fuck.

Back from break, and Estrada's in the ring for the contract signing to first introduce Chavo, accompanied by Zack and Curt... uhh, Majors. Kane's out next, and why are they announcing him as the "NEW" ECW Champion still? Because he hasn't defended it yet? I never noticed before, but Kane has no eyebrows. Is that in his contract? Chavo puts his feet on the table, Kane gets pissed and shoves 'em off. Armando should speak in nothing but Spanish, all the time. Kane signs first, having "reviewed the contract earlier in the day," & Chavo starts talking shit. Blah blah blah, eight seconds, attacked from behind, we know. Chavo says he'll have someone watching his back at Backlash (what, in addition to Edge and his clones?)... a big bald dude with a beard and a suit. Beardy McGee knocks him out with the title belt, and a beatdown ensues. His lackeys hold Kane down while Guerrero frog splashes Kane through the table, and it looked like Chavo faced himself on the mat. New dude is some developmental talent I've never heard of whose name I don't care enough to look up. Commercial... yeah, that was every other contract signing segment we've already seen.

BREAK.

ELIJAH BURKE vs. NUNZIO (already in the ring, therefore the loser). Hey, Little Guido's back on TV! They start with some headlocky/armlocky chain wrestling, and Nunzio takes Burke down with a fujiwara armbar. Didn't that used to be his finisher? Burke throws him around some, backdrops him onto his ankles, and starts stomping. Elijah beats on Nunzio from the outside, then back in for some (borderline) silly-looking brawling. Nunzio gets put across the ropes, and then Burke assdrops him across the rope, landing on the floor. Fistdrop from the top gets two, they brawl some more and Elijah nails a big-ass German suplex. Burke pulls down the kneepads for the Experience, but Nunzio's already too beaten to be whipped to the corner... so Elijah nails a clothesline-sorta-STO for the victory.
*1/2 (Nothing too bad... the fist drop looked cool. This will likely mean nothing for Elijah, though. I expect to see him lose to CM Punk again next week.)

TONIGHT, in case you weren't watching twenty minutes ago, it's Dreamer vs. Delaney... and it's the main event!

BREAK. Triple H is probably much more tolerable on a compilation DVD, without his boring-ass promos and squash matches.

DOMINO (already on his way to the ring) vs. KOFI KINGSTON (w/a lame, pre-taped backstage interview). Give me a reason to care about this Kingston, Vince, please... I tire of his happy, smiling almost-stereotype. Kofi's wearing green now... am I suposed to care about THAT? Single leg takedown by Kofi into an armbar, Domino whips him to the ropes, but Kofi takes him down again and hits an armdrag into another armbar. Off the ropes again, cross-body, back to the arm drag and bar. He keeps working the arm, but Domino backs him into the corner. Kingston whips him across the ring for the jumpin' corner punches, but in the opposite corner Domino reverses Kofi's attempted I-jump-over-you into a faceplant. Weak kicks and a weak snapmare by Domino into a chinlock, and Kofi reverses into a Stunner jawbreaker. Domino hoists him up for a Canadian backbreaker submission, but Kofi flips off the ropes and starts punching, hitting a high jumping elbow. Good LORD, do I hate that "BOOP-BOOP" move. Domino ducks another cross-body, but gets kicked in the face ("Trouble in Paradish?") for a three count.
*1/4 (Alert me when Kofi defeats someone who matters.)

Backstage, Layla yells at Eve (who?) and Kelly. They argue about who the "top Diva on ECW" is, and... uhh, yeah. I don't know, they're hot?

BREAK. Iron Man looks like it very well may not suck. Fingers crossed.
Fuck you, Vince. Remind me AGAIN about something nobody will ever give a shit about... I hope the Clinton/Obama "match" lasts that Raw's entire extra hour, and television viewers riot and violently beat McMahon for this rubbish.

Once back, we get a replay of Chavo's table splash and a shill for next week's ECW, where Undertaker and Kane will "unite." What, like Billy & Chuck?

COLIN DELANEY (w/o entrance music) vs. TOMMY DREAMER. I think Colin may actually be scrawnier than me... and that's kinda hard to be. Tommy takes Delaney down with a rear waistlock, which gets broken against the ropes. Colin tries the same, but gets a fireman's carry, armbar and armdrag. Dreamer slams Delaney down, but misses an elbow drop. Blocked punch, & Delaney hits an elbow that doesn't even get a one count. Clothesline knocks Colin down. Dreamer hiptosses Colin out of the corner, but charges at him and flies over the ropes to the outside. Delaney nails a perfectly acceptable plancha, then rolls Fatty Dreamer back in for an Eddie Senton and a one count. Dreamer busts out one of my N64 No Mercy favorites, the reverse suplex, then puts Delaney on the top rope. Colin knocks him off, takes some time to breath and goes for a (missed) missile dropkick. Colin gets slammed against the turnbuckle chest first, then put into a tree of woe for a Dreamer dropkick. Tommy spikes Delaney straight into the air with a DDT, and that's it.
**1/4 (I like what they're doing with Colin... but he should've kicked out. THEN, eaten another DDT, maybe a DVD, and THEN lost. Give him something, y'know?)
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Sorry... guess I still like jokes and play-by-play. Pretty alright episode, though... 'cause, hey! No Mike Knox this week!