The Dope on Smackdown 4.11.08
Posted by Michael O on 04.12.2008
Zombie versus Retard!
Hey everyone, I'm Michael O and I'm smack dab in the middle of a ridiculously busy week so brevity is my best friend right now.
We were live from The Bahston Gahden with Cole and Coach, who hype tonight's Undertaker/Festus main event.
I'm not sure I get the point of having The Undertaker take on a sympathetic simpleton, but at least it's a fresh match up.
Former World champion (and future hall of famer) The Great Khali is in the ring flanked by an assortment of Bollywood types. Apparently this is going to be some sort of Punjabi peace ceremony to win over The Big Show. Khali shows off his improving English by clearly saying Big Show's name. Fans of Khali's existing microphone prowess need not fret as everything else sounded as garbled as ever. Show is out now and receives his first gift, which is some supposedly "special water". It looks more like a carafe of dysentery to me. Next up is a bottle of the world's finest scotch. Boy, the sure make scotch yellow in India. Show takes a swig (HEY, KIDS ARE WATCHING!) and nods in approval. Next, Big Show receives a chicken so he'll never run out of eggs and an adorable little goat so he'll never run out of milk. These are actually some pretty thoughtful gifts. Big Show is speechless, but he's not fistless so he lays out Khali with a big punch. What an ingrate!
We go too commercial as Khali does a really, really terrible job of looking knocked out in the ring. Big Show shoulda ate the chicken Ozzy style and then smashed the cage over Khali's head.
Tag team champions John Morrison & The Miz def. Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore in a non-title match when Miz pinned Yang after a neck breaker
Hahaha! Morrison called Moore a virgin! This was a really good TV match but it's hard to care about the goings on of the tag team division on either brand. What does it matter who holds the belts when they'll just lose them down the line to some other thrown together tag team that nobody will even remember in a year.
Teddy Long is in the back watching Vickie & Edge get massages. Oh wait, apparently they are not in the back, they are out having the night off. The spa they chose sure has that dressing room ambiance. Edge has been understandably stressed out over the Undertaker lately but Vickie thinks it's nothing a pedicure won't fix. Hmmm, I'm no clairvoyant but I get the feeling Edge's night won't end as relaxing as it started out. These two are really starting to grow on me as a couple.
Finlay w/Hornswoggle pinned Matt Striker after a shillelagh shot to the dome
I wrote the above sentence during Striker's entrance. Perhaps I am clairvoyant after all? Finlay and Horny got quite a nice pop. Assuming Batista is Raw bound, Finlay is now the number two face on Smackdown. Who'd a thunk it? Finlay was not dq'd after tossing a bucket at Striker's head. Hey ref, do your fuckin' job. A post-match Tadpole splash added injury to, uh, injury.
Victoria introduces us to her new best friend, Natalya Neidhart, and shows a package of her daddy, "The Anvil". Natalya says it's all about her, not her dad and puts the other divas on notice. Not that you'd know it from what I just wrote, but Nattie seems like she's pretty good on the stick.
Victoria def. Michelle McCool with a handful tights…
Err, I mean, she pinned her while grabbing a handful of tights, not by hitting her in the head with a handful of tights as those of you reading this who have never watched wrestling may have construed. Good match, you know, for GIRLS! I'm looking forward to seeing Nattie in the ring.
Mick Foley is in a movie with Willem Dafoe? That's certainly a step up from working with ICP.
WWE.com... "our stuff, your statement". Exactly what statement are you making by wearing a John Cena t-shirt? I don't care if I get laid before the end of this decade?
Michael Cole is in the ring and introduces us to a Batista/HBK video package. Batista and HBK are in the ring now and Cole is gone. I'd say the ring just traded up. HBK says Ric and everybody else has moved on from the events at Wrestlemania and Batista's real problem is with HBK himself. Batista agrees and elaborates, saying he doesn't like the way Shawn made it to the top and thinks he is still his same old cliquey self. Shawn says he did what he had to do to make it in the big man's world and I'll leave it to you to insert a Pat Patterson joke if you are so inclined. Speaking of things going down people's throats, Shawn says that's what is going to happen to Batista's teeth. The superkick is blocked, and a demon bomb attempt is thwarted before the men part company. I hope the match at Backlash lives up to the build because everything between these two so far has been gold.
Vladimir Koslov def. Matt Logan via pinfall with a reverse DDT
Just what the world was waiting for, Ludvig Borga 2.0. Hopefully somebody finds a box of steroids in his attic or something.
More relaxation time with Edge & Vickie as Teddy watches on.
A very dapper looking MVP is out to join the commentator's booth for our next bout.
Matt Hardy def. Chuck Palumbo with the twist of fate
This was certainly a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I don't think I've seen Palumbo in a match that lasted more than two or three minutes since his return but The Chuckertaker was looking pretty good tonight, referring of course, to his in-ring abilities and not his long flowing locks or chiseled physique. Sigh.
Eve Torres is with a concerned Jesse and a somewhat more, ah, indifferent Festus.
A rundown of the Backlash card, of which Kid Rock's 'All Summer Long' is the official theme song. Hey, why not, who pays attention to things like seasons anyway?
Goddamnit Michael Cole! Undertaker is NOT a six-time world heavyweight champion, he is a two-time world heavyweight champion and a four-time WWE champion.
Edge and Vickie are in bed and Edge shoots a creamy white load all over her face. Of whipped cream. Teddy Long has had enough and storms out. HAHAHA! They were going to force him to watch them have sex! Man, Edge & Vickie are really giving Beecher & Keller a run for their money in the category of Michael's favorite TV couple.
Undertaker def. Festus with the go-go platter
Festus and his retard strength put up a good fight and he never actually submitted proper, but the second ref ended things for compassions' sake (yeah, there was a ref bump, no I couldn't say why). Much better match than I would have expected, which has kind of been the theme tonight.
When I glimpsed the non-spoiler match listing a few days ago I thought "ugh, this is going to be a shit show" and while it wasn't, you didn't need to be too quiet to hear the sound of wheels spinning tonight. Hopefully Smackdown gets the long stick for once come draft lottery time because a quick glimpse at the relatively shallow Friday night talent pool tells me it needs it now more than ever.
I think they said Taker was a six time world champion, not six time world heavyweight champion. how about a tiny description of the match?
Posted By: Hollachow (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 12:31 AM
"World heavyweight champion" is used to describe all the world titles that the 'E chooses to recognize. If you noticed whenever Flair came out after they switched sets, the thing above the tron itself read "16 time world heavyweight champion."
Posted By: MC42 (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 12:49 AM
in the spanish broadcast, they say that the move still doesn't have a name, but they still call the gogoplata "THE FINAL WHISPER"
sounds good
Posted By: Pepo (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 01:23 AM
Zombie vs Retard...sounds like the last presidental election, doesn't it?
"Goddamnit Michael Cole! Undertaker is NOT a six-time world heavyweight champion, he is a two-time world heavyweight champion and a four-time WWE champion."
seriously? is this just another bit of meaningless minutia that is being used to piss all over Michael Cole or is this really something important?
world champion, world heavyweight champion...who cares?
technically, Ric Flair is only a 2 time title holder in the WWF, and not one in the WWE.
i have to agree with Hollachow when he says "how about a tiny description of the match?"
26 words complaining about this, and only 25 words actually talking about the match itself. (36 if you count the bit about the ref bump.)
i know it is nitpicky on my part, but it is no less nitpicky to single out some throwaway comment about Undertaker's title reigns for its supposed inaccuracies just to take yet another dump on Cole's head.
ok, i don't like Cole either, sure, he uses 'Vintage Undertaker' far too often, but 90% of his performance comes from playing off his compatriot, who is no longer the excellent JBL but the rather sad Coachman, who couldn't talk his way out of a voice activated box that was comprised of four doors that were wide open, and i think that hurts him just as much as his repetitive cliches.
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Registered) on April 13, 2008 at 01:54 AM
Undertaker's a 'six-time World Champion' as much as Triple H is an '11-time WWE Champion'.
Posted By: T.G. Corke (Registered) on April 13, 2008 at 05:39 AM
No mention of MVP completely BEARRING Coach on commentary? It needed to be said.
Posted By: Eric (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 12:16 PM
Less smart-assed comments. More recaps. Please.
Posted By: JA Toro (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 01:10 PM
I hate to bitch, but these new recappers should think again about their way of reviewing the show..
I mean you could have AT LEAST mentioned that MVP was on commentary during the Matt Hardy-Chuch Pulombo match, instead of some jokes. I mean seriously what kind of recap is this? "A good match", "A better than expected match", add some jokes, and there you have it...
A little effort please! I mean i understand it is not meant to be a detailed play by play recap, but it sure as hell is not an analytical "impact crater" style column. It's just some random, VERY BRIEF thoughts.
Posted By: Samer (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 01:24 PM
I actually enjoy the humor-filled recaps. Especially when some writers tend to recap move by move without any detailed explanation. It makes it seem robotic. I mean, can someone explain to me in detail how do you reverse an arm wringer to a suplex off the top rope? Me neither. All I'm saying is that I rather read someone's own personalized recap than trying to decipher a writer's play by play script.
But good recap. Maybe you should recap a few big spots.. not necessarily everything. But the jokes were funny.
Posted By: Quatah85 (Guest) on April 13, 2008 at 02:28 PM
i don't think anyone really minds a humourous recap (as long as they don't try to be that hack Scott Keith, but i digress) but you actually should try to some effort into the match instead of just opining about it. agreed, not every move has to be called, but something a little more than 'wow, did you see that? that was cool' would really help the reader a bit.
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Registered) on April 13, 2008 at 03:06 PM
All apologies for the lacklusterness of my report. Fact is, I knew it wasn't up to snuff but I'd been up for a day and a half when I had to do this and I only had a very tiny window of time to bang something out. I should've got someone to cover me, but since it's only my second week I didn't want to go that route. And I actually don't hate Michael Cole at all but when I'm tired EVERYTHING that guy says annoys me. But, yeah, bitching about the lack of distinction between the World and WWE title is trite at best. Just call me Tom Petty.
Posted By: Michael O (Registered) on April 15, 2008 at 03:45 PM
