ECW Rant of AweXomeness 4.15.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 04.15.2008

We've got two Mikes on this show that nobody wants to see - new announcer Adamle, and surprisingly not fired Knox! Plus, Undertaker and Kane. I guess they're important.

To folks who complain of there being too many ECW recaps... no, there aren't. There are only two - and they're distinctly different, I complain more than Bauer. There would be too many recaps if there was more than one Heat report.

I'm watching ECW tonight from frequent comment-leaver & friend JdL's house, and I have to explain who everyone is because he hasn't watched televised wrestling in what seems like years.
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The show starts off with a clip video stating that the Brothers of Destruction UNITE TONIGHT against Miz & Morrisson. Yeah, THAT needs before-intro hyping.

...the intro song still sucks. I will not stop complaining until they change it... or, until my eardrums burst and I go deaf.
TONIGHT, we are NOTLIVE in London, England, in WWECWHD, your hosts are Tazz and Joey Styles, who's leaving for WWE.com (and, likely soon, unemployment) and handing over the play-by-play duties to Mike "Jeff Harvey" Adamle.

CM PUNK (w/swank MitB briefcase), JIMMY WANG YANG, SHANNON MOORE, & KOFI KINGSTON vs. ELIJAH BURKE, DEUCE, DOMINO, & SHELTON BENJAMIN. Adamle is already annoying me. Punk starts off with Domino ('cause Tazz says that's who it is). They lock up, Domino gets an armbar that Punk reverses to a headlock, he's thrown to the ropes & knocks Domino down with a shoulde, then tags into Moore for a sunset flip. Moore tags in Yang, whips Domino & hits the mat for Yang to hit a dropkick into a cover once Domino's over Moore. Nice. Back to working the arm. Punk back in, aimless brawling, Domino tags out to Shelton who does nothing special. Punk reverses a back suplex into a cover, then goes off the ropes and eats a knee to the gut and rolls outside. Everyone crowds around on the floor teasing a big brawl, and that's a commercial.

BREAK.

Back, and Punk's in the ring with Elijah in a knucklelock that Burke kicks out of, knocking Punk down and missing an elbow drop. Kofi tags in, works Elijah's arm, gets bounced off the ropes and starts hitting his usual armdrags. Still on the arm, he tags in Moore, who starts shouldering Burke's shoulder. Tag to Yang, snap suplex from Moore and Jimmy Wang flips in with a senton. Burke regains control with an uppercut, then does his assdrop across the ropes to the outside. Benji comes back in and can't quite pin Yang, so he starts punching and sleepering. Yang tries to elbow out but Shelton drags him back down into the sleeper. Yang goes back to the elbow and stomps on Yang's feet to break it up, but eats Benji's boot. Deuce comes in and looks foolish with his silly punches, knees and fistdrops... then hits a chinlock. Why do he and Domino still have jobs? Yang driven to the corner for punches, and while the ref's distracted all the heel's start choking the Asian cowboy. Burke back in and starts slapping Jimmy upside the head in the corner, then Deuce comes back in and continues to suck. Tag to Domino, bodyslam and legdrop. That gets two, because he's not Hulk Hogan. Sleeper again, and while Yang tries to break it Deuce knees him in the face. Yang gets the hot tag to Kingston, who gets a sweet-ish springboard crossbody, the big kick and silly senton legdrop for a pinfall that Benji breaks up. It's a big mess, Shannon Moore dives onto some people and Kofi kicks Deuce in the "face" again for the victory.
* (Too many people, too many sleepers, Kingston is still directionless and Punk is still being wasted.)

Last week, it was a contract signing between Kane and Chavo that, amazingly, ended in a beating. Some new guy in a suit came out and held Kane down so Chavo could frog splash him through a table (and bump his face on the mat).

Backstage, Kane talks about Chavo... kinda, and segues with no real rhyme or reason to Morrisson and Miz, then ham-fistedly turns it over to a laughing Undertaker. That... uhh, had a point.

BREAK.

Outside, it's unmistakably London. In the ring is Tazz, who's hosting another segment for the talentless women to have a dance-off. Well... at least they're not wrestling. Out come LAYLA (w/o El), MARYSE, EVE TORRES, LENA YADA, & KELLY KELLY. Kelly is younger than me, and I want to cover her in fluids. Tazz tells them the usual rules - "bust some moves," the audience can yell at them and the only one who's over (Kelly) will win. Tazz starts dancing for some reason, shaking his man-tits. Layla dances first, rolling around, kicking and humping the ropes. Maryse "dances" to the same song, actually just sorta walking around in rhythem. Eve does some lame cheerleader-ish moves, right down the a running flip out of the corner. Lena Yada next, and she... uhh, spins around and bridges. Finally, Kelly takes her shirt off and does the flippy part of her god-awful flippy elbow. The crowd yells, Kelly wins, and nobody cares. I can't believe I actually watched that, payed attention to what they did and wrote about it. Next time, I make a sandwich when these bitches is on screen. Tazz "dances" some more. Yeah. Please, Lord, go to a...

BREAK. Thank fuck.

TOMMY DREAMER (w/Colin Delaney, who gets no introduction) vs. MIKE KNOX. Oh, hooray - Knox wasn't fired. Before the match starts Armando Estrada comes out for an announcement - he says the fans want to see Mike Knox compete (NO THEY DON'T) with a potential World Champion... Colin Delaney. Well then...
COLIN DELANEY vs. MIKE KNOX. Colin gets knocked down on the first punch, then again off a clothesline. Knox hits a backdrop driver, then puts Delaney in the corner for... another clothesline. Twisty backdrop backbreaker, poorly-performed stolen Shellshock, that's it. Man, looks like he forgot how to do that correctly pretty quick.
1/2* (Whatever. I'm shocked they put Knox back on TV while his whole steroid "scandal" is still going on.)

Backstage, Miz and Morrisson talk about how Kane and Undertaker were just beating eachother up on Smackdown, and how THEY can truly work together. Johnny Nitro brings back 'Taker's "yard" catchphrase, and says MIZ will fight Undertaker. Miz breaths heavily and looks nervous - kinda funny.

BREAK.

Back from commercial, and we're looking at water and a bridge. Purrty. Yeah, we know we're in England.

WWE Tag Team Champions JOHN MORRISSON & the MIZ (w/seperate entrances, which is still pretty cool) vs. ECW Champion KANE & World Heavyweight Champion the UNDERTAKER. NOT for the Tag titles, I assume, because why would they need to be defended? Also, why would they bother giving MorriMiz a win that would help them out?
Kane starts with Miz, who ducks Kane's punch and starts hitting weak ones of his own. Kane sends him to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock, then throws him shoulder first to the turnbuckle. Armlock, Undertaker in and he starts shoulderblocking the arm. He does the Old School ropewalk, Morrisson comes in and 'Taker takes him out. Undertaker to the outside, & Miz is leaning over the apron to the outside for 'Taker to kick him in the head... and, for Morrisson to clothesline him before he can get the legdrop. Heh-heh. I like people stoping Undertaker from doing his usual.

BREAK.

Aaaaand we're back, with the Tag champs kicking away at 'Taker in the corner. Miz out, Morrisson still kicking away, but Undertaker just throws him into the buckles and starts punching. 'Taker goes low when he whips Nitro to the ropes and gets kicked, but hits a big boot (in theory) that gets two. Kane in, he starts choking Morrisson with his boot, and Nitro tags in Miz. Man, Kane & 'Taker punch and clothesline in the corner alot. Kane gets a sidewalk slam on Miz, then goes to the top rope to get shoved off by Morrisson, then have his knee clipped by Miz. He and Nitro start working over Kane's leg near their corner, quickly tagging in and out. Kane punches Miz off himself once he gets to his feet, but Miz gets the clothesline through the ropes. Morrisson back in, back to the leg. Miz tagged in, and he starts a stompin' & a forearmin'. Kane starts fighting Miz off, he goes back to the leg, but Kane tags 'Taker in anyway. In comes Morrisson, Undertaker starts brawling him down, punching and clotheslines as usual. Double chokeslam on the Tag champs is teased by 'Taker, but they break the hold only to eat stereo chokeslams... then, Morrisson gets dumped on his skull with a 'Taker Tombstone. Done.
*3/4 (Miz and Morrisson got a couple cool spots, that's about it.)
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So, three matches - two tags, a Delaney squash, and a "dance contest?" Ugh. Kinda-pretty-bad show, but hey - they didn't advertise Hillary vs. Obama for Raw. Here's hoping they forgot about it.