The Dope on Smackdown 04.18.08

Posted by Michael O on 04.19.2008

Now with 69% more effort!

Hello, I'm Michael O and I'm relatively well rested now. Based on the deservedly negative criticisms leveled at yours truly last week, I've learned that I can not get away with turning in barely half-assed reports in the hopes that nobody will notice and that's...a good thing!

Alright, pour your drinks, chop your lines, and roll your joints 'cause it's time for Smackdown!

We are not live from London, England with Coach and Cole, whom I'd like to congratulate for no longer being the worst announce team in the WWE!

England is Jericho as Mr.2J is here for a special Smackdown edition of the highlight reel with special guest Batista. Special! Chris wishes him luck in his match against the Undertaker and gives a rundown of what happened on Monday's reel with Shawn Michaels, which of course ended with Jericho eating a heapin' helpin' of sweet chin music.
Chris says Shawn's reaction to his provocation validates everything Dave has been saying about him and he'd like some thanks for that but Batista takes exception to Jericho inserting himself into the situation. Jericho rightly accuses Dave of being irrational in the wake of Flair's swan song but wrongly accuses him of wanting to be the man who put Ric out to pasture and is demon-bombed for his troubles. Man, after this week Richard Belzer's got nothing on Jericho.

US Champ MVP pinned Tommy Dreamer in a non-title match

Matt Hardy was out to join the broadcast team and while he may not have the wit and flair of MVP, his verbal abilities have improved immensely. Tommy got a couple shots in at the start but it was MVP all the way. Mid match Coach said that Dreamer was giving MVP everything he had, despite the fact that Montel had firmly been in control for nearly the entire time. MVP had the play maker all cued up but paused to taunt Hardy allowing Dreamer to hit the DDT. Fortunately for Porter, Dreamer's pin attempt was so close to the ropes that he barely had to reach for them. Moments later, Montel Vontavious Porter finished of the very portly Tommy Dreamer with a big running kick to the head. Showcase match for MVP, which is like a squash except maybe a minute or two longer and the opponent gets in one or two more moves.

Hornswoggle pinned Matt Striker

Before the match, Striker riffed on Hornswoggle for a bit. "1 on 1? More like 1 on .5" "Stephanie McMahon has swallowed bigger loads than you" Okay, that second one was mine but Striker is a funny fellow, though if you're going to boast about having an I.Q. of 186 you really can't mispronounce a word like 'diminutive'.
Hornswoggle took the early advantage with a series of tennis ball shots to the sac region and multiple super soaker blasts to the face that were far more devastating than they should have been. Perhaps water is heavier in England? Striker took over after a cheap shot to Finlay but this would prove his undoing as Finlay cold cocked him with a shillelagh while the ref was occupied and a tadpole splash sealed his fate. Hey, I'd rather be laying down for a dwarf than teaching the third grade too, but I really, really hate kids. Total comedy match, as one would expect.

Some chick is in the back with the Big Show and we get a brief replay of last week's Punjabi peace ceremony. I still think Show is a dick for punching out Khali. He gave him scotch and a chicken, how bad can he be? We learn that Big Show has no interest in making peace with Khali, though we sort of learned that last week, so I suppose we re-learned it here.
Big Show will be warming up for Backlash with a match against Mark Henry and says we'll find out for once and all which is better: Biggest or Strongest? Since I don't think I've seen Mizark win a match so far this year, I think I'll pick the biggest.

Chavo Guerrero w/Bam Kneely pinned Jamie Knoble

They spent the first bit working a slow motion cruiserweight match until Chavo and his wide range of neck and chin locks took over. There was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it editing snafu as we saw Knoble powering out of a Chavo chinlock and then *poof*...he's right back in it. And yes, this match, short though it was, was lame enough for me to take time to focus on a minor production gaffe. Noble managed to backsuplex himself out of harm's way but a frogsplash would finish things post haste. Bam gave Jamie a half-nelson slam afterward. Pretty crap match if you ask me (and if you're reading this, YOU ARE). Not the worst match ever or anything, and it's not as though I was expecting a two-commercial break mini-classic, but considering the talents involved this really should've been a little better.

I Can't wait for the Hilary/Obama match on Raw. Can't wait for the piss I'm going to take during it that is.

Big Show beat Mark Henry via DQ

A lot of surprisingly fast-paced action to start with as Henry takes down Show with a dropkick and Show reverses a flying headscissors attempt into a- naw, I'm just fucking with you. It was lots of clubbing blows and clotheslines. Henry had Big Show in a bearhug for a while which was at least kinda strange to see. Some kicks and punches would soon follow but the Great Gary was ringside by the time Show chokeslammed Henry so naturally Show opted to go brawl outside instead of picking up the 1-2-3. Great match. I don't know, what do you want me to say?

A look at the Undertaker/Edge showdown at Backlash. I know it's somewhat of an annual tradition now, but it's so hard for me to care about these Wrestlemania title rematches. Not only do they take away a tiny bit of the specialness of their Mania precursors by happening so soon after, they're also the most predictable matches of the year. I'm sure both Edge and Undertaker will do everything they can to match, if not surpass, their tremendous effort from last month but even the most mentally deficient of wrestling fans couldn't possibly give Edge a chance of winning. I think Backlash is the perfect event to feature some sort of special tag-team or otherwise non-title match up or one of those kooky title matches where someone who's not quite at the main event level gets a shot at the gold a la Brock/Cena from Backlash '03.

Cherry w/Michelle McCool pinned Victoria w/Natalya Neidhart

Victoria kicked the shit out of Cherry for a while, then Cherry got a roll up for the win. If you need more of a description, seek it elsewhere and seek professional help while you're at it.

Vladimir Koslov pinned Leroy Kincaid

Koslov mixes it up this week by incorporating some actual wrestling moves into his squash, such as a fireman's carry and an armbar. The local boy attempted a comeback with a european uppercut (natch) but a big overhead belly to belly was the beginning of the end, the end being a reverse DDT. It's not saying much, but Koslov did look incrementally better this week, for those keeping track.

World Heavyweight champ The Undertaker and Batista went to a double count-out in a non-title match

Edge and his Rmy, tickets in hand, made their way to the front row before the match.
Lots of back and forth action to start, with neither man gaining the upper hand for too long. An attempted old school was thwarted before Undertaker could make it to the top and both were felled by dueling clotheslines before the break. "Spear Vickie back to Eddie" gets my vote for classiest sign of the night. 'Tista blocked 'Taker's second old school attempt and took over after a top rope superplex. Dave seems to be heading into John Cena territory judging by his "mixed" reactions of late. Undertaker finally got that old school he'd been so desperately trying for all match and hit his patented leg drop off the apron for a two count. Dave slipped out of a tombstone, or possibly snake eyes attempt and nailed the spear. Some back and forth punches were accompanied by some back and forth "boo!" "yay!" chants and then the action spilled outside where both men would be counted out approximately ten seconds later. They continued to brawl just the same, with 'Taker taking the time to flip Edge over the guard rail and give him a little.
Dave and Under looked to gang up on Edge in the ring but the Rmy, uh almost makes the save. They tried, you know, so give them points. Chavo and his new buddy Bam made the save for real, preventing Edge from tasting the sickly sweet chokeslam. Vickie, with Teddy in tow, came out next, bitched at 'Taker and Dave for attacking her dudes and made another match between the two men for next week, this time with the title on the line. The winner will fight Edge at Backlash and if that means the loser fights Shawn Michaels, I'm kinda rooting for Batista.

If you missed this week's show, you missed...well, you missed nothing. But it was more or less on par with my expectations, so...yeah! The main event didn't suck at least, but it was like the first 3/5's of a great match with a dumb count out finish. Anyways, I'm going to go get drunk now, see you when I see you.