ECW Rant of AweXomeness 4.22.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 04.22.2008

Tonight, Kane is on the Cutting Edge! In case you didn't hear that, Kane is on the Cutting Edge! HEY! Did you know that Kane is going to be on the Cutting Edge? That's Edge's show.

Hello everyone - Elmo Machete here, resident maker of cutesy jokes and caller of writer of too much play-by-play. Or not enough play-by-play. Who the hell knows. Anyway, Raw last night, King of the Ring. I think the whole show was done pretty well overall, although I didn't catch the main event or Regal/Leprechaun (but the recaps tell me I didn't miss much). As soon as I saw that CM Punk had changed his tights for his second match, I knew he'd be going to the finals - because you can't change your gear just ONCE, you've got to go all out. Regal winning was an unexpected choice... is he going to wrestle more, wear a crown AND be Raw GM? I dunno... the whole show was like a slightly below-average PPV, which made for a slightly above-average (above their USUAL quality, anyway) free TV show.

Oh yeah, Rosie/Trump II - Barack/Hilary. Y'know... that fake ear bit was alot funnier when they did it on All That. I agree with Csonka's analysis from his news report - I have NO idea why they went through with this when they got the candidates to actually record speeches for the show. Especially when they could've NOT done it and given the tournament more time. At least this time they tried to give something to one of their regular wrestlers at the end of this debacle... but I can't imagine Yumanga will really benefit at all from knocking out two imposter politicians.

I also just watched the Angle/Joe match from Lockdown (God bless dailymotion)... and I really liked it. That's a first for me and TNA... this is the first time I've actually been able to say I think they did something completely right. Several months/years LATE, but still right. I mean, c'mon - crossface-to-anklelock-to-crossface-to-Olympic-Slam? That's the kinda wrestling I like. They even managed to make the MMA stuff in the beginning work, which is no big surprise considering who they are - Angle working an MMA-type style means he bumps less, which means he doesn't get as crippled. Even Joe's usual boring spots (STO from the corner, the like) managed to come across well. And, is it just me, or does Kurt seem... smaller than when he was with McMahon? I guess you've gotta scale back in Orlando, can't afford the designer steroids or whatever.

So, on to ECW I guess...
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BOO, the opening music.
TV-14 DLSV CC in WWEHD, live in Greensboro, NC. Tonight it's Kane on the Cutting Edge, yours hosts are Mike "Terrible" Adamle & The "Not That Great Anymore, Really" Tazz. Aaaand, the first match is...

KELLY KELLY & TOMMY DREAMER (w/replay of Armando making Delaney fight "the Devestator" {HA!) Mike Knox last week) vs. LAYLA (w/o El) & MIKE KNOX. Layla starts with Kelly, and clubs her back n' hits a full nelson. She leads Kelly to the corner, but she nails Layla's head against a buckle for two. The ladies tag out, and the dudes run the ropes until Knox hits a clothesline. Knox dicks Tommy in the back during a replay, then dumbasses into a bulldog so the women can come back in. Kelly gets some running strikes and a not awful dropkick and an awful cross-body. The men tumble to the outside, Kelly reverses a suplex attempt and hits the armlock Fameasser (the Back of the Face Buster?) for one, two and three. Afterwards, Knox knocks out Dreamer with the Twisty Flatliner.
* (Inoffensive. The Divas are getting less embarassing.)

BREAK.

Back to the show, and Adamle throws it over to replays of the Presidential candidate speeches from Raw. These guys obviously had no idea what those references meant when they read 'em off the prompter.

JOHN MORRISON (w/the Miz, who heads to commentary and kinda burns Adamle) vs. JIMMY WANG YANG (w/Shannon Moore). They lock up, and Morrison hits Wangy with a stiff elbow. Yang off the ropes, under Nitro's legs, and it's a hurricanrana before Morrison gets clotheslined outside. Morrison runs from a plancha attempt, they run around the ring and fiddle around before Morrison slams Yang HARD as a reversal of some kick. He starts working the leg, kicking and stretching before Jimmy gets a headscissors. Johnny runs square into the corner, and gets a big kick when he tries to work the leg s'more. Yang flips Morrison ALL THE WAY around from a monkey flip, and then after some rope climbing Yang gets crotched on the top. Morrison goes up, but misses a split-legged corkscrew moonsault so Yang can get a moonsault press for the victory.
**3/4 (Pretty darn alright. I wish Jimmy Yang wasn't a cowboy... OOH! What if, he and Moore got knocked on the head one day? Then Shannon could be the cowboy and Yang could draw Sharpie tattoos all over his arms!)

Still to come, a "rare" Cutting Edge with (long pause from Adamle, likely to remember the name) Kane.

BREAK. That robotic Burger King King may just be creepier than the normal one.

RAW REBOUND: King of the Ring recap. I loves me some midget violence.

Backlash card rundown. We all know by now - 'Taker/Edge, Batista/HBK (special ref: Jericho), Cena/Triple H/JBL/Orton, Khali/Big Show, Kane/Chavo. This show doesn't look terrible... but whatever. Why is JBL still in the World title picture and not un-replacing Coach?

Backstage, Kofi Kingston warms up for his match against... oh snap, it's Benji, and he's behind him. Kingston offers a handshake in the interest of competition, but Shelton says his undefeated streak ends tonight. Well, okay then.

BREAK.

STILL TO COME, in case you missed the first half-hour when they mentioned it alot, is the Cutting Edge.

KOFI "Jamaican Me Crazy" KINGSTON vs. "the Gold Standard" SHELTON BENJAMIN. Kofi is NOT "arguably" one of the best athletes on ECW. Just, no. They start, and Benji starts violently twisting Kofi's arm. KK kips up, and nails a high dropkick. Shelton grabs a headlock, goes off the ropes, and catches Kingston while he's jumping to nail a shoulderbreaker. Back to the arm, Shelton starts clubbering then goes to an armbar. It's broken up and Kingston gets a cross body, but Shelton ends his offense quickly with an armbar DDT. Kicks to the arm, Kofi catches the ropes and flips Benji to the apron, then Shelton snaps his arm over the rope. Benji up top, but Kofi hits a dropkick while he's on his way down. Benjamin doesn't stay hurt long as it's back into a fujiwara armbar. Kofi tries to armdrag his way out, but Benji keeps rolling over. Into the corner for a monkey flip, but Benji lands on his feet and shoulderblocks Kofi down. Shelton tries a big kick that gets ducked, and Kofi hits the spinning kick to the back of his head for the (inexplicable) win.
**1/4 (Yeah, sure, it got over the finisher I guess... but Benji completely schooled Kofi the ENTIRE time, to the point of all Kingston's OTHER moves looking useless. What the fuck?)

BREAK.

BOO, replays from "Hilary" (w/"Bill") vs. "Barack." Even man-on-woman violence couldn't make this funny for me. Oh, and "Hil-Rod" won the primary.

NUNZIO vs. MARK HENRY (no entrances). Henry overpowers right away, chucking Lil' Guido around into the corner. He punches, he puts Nunzio onto the top rope, he does nothing well. Guido dives into a bearhug, then a powerslam, then it's over.
NO RATING (Why did this happen, to remind people Sexual Chocolate's still alive?)

BREAK.

Replays of the Wrestlemania Revenge tour in Europe. I'd do Maria twice as hard if she moaned in a fake British accent.

Edge (w/Curt "Ryder" Major and Zack "Hawkins" Major) comes out for the Cutting Edge, which has the laziest "set" of any wrestling talk show - just a carpet with a logo on it and some stools. I guess the Edge clones don't sit. Edge talks up bringing the Cutting Edge to ECW, then (verbally announces his & Chavo's superiority to AND) introduces ECW Champion Kane. The "E" could be for "European," 'cause that's basically what that belt is. Edge offers Issac Yankem a seat... but they'll all stand. Why the stools, then? Edge talks wrestling families, saying "some people" would consider the Brothers of Destruction the most dominant. Their parents would be proud... if they weren't DEAD! (Ooh, awkward) Kane threatens harm to Edge, who tries to placate his rage by saying that Kane's life sucks because of his dysfunctional family. He runs through Kane's history, ignoring the previous gimmicks of course (wouldn't it be funny if they tried to work that in to his backstory?) Edge doesn't mention Katie Vick, DOES mention Lita, and brings up the whole "baby" angle. Didn't she fake that?
Kane ruined Edge & Lita's wedding day, blah blah blah, Edge and Vickie, blah blah, Edge thanks Kane for the circumstances they met under. His Rated R'my is like his family, and the Bro's of Destruction stole their titles. At Backlash, Edge's family takes back what's theirs. Kane says "oh no you di'nt," promising to end Chavo's shit, adding that Undertaker will do the same to Edge, Edge and Edge. After Backlash, only Vickie Guerrero will be left with her shit un-ended, then Kane makes it sound like he and 'Taker are gonna run a train on her. A brawl ensues, Bam Neely (AWFUL name) comes out and Kane's outnumbered. In comes Chavo. Edge prepares a chair under Kane's knee while everyone holds him down, then allows Guerrero to Conchairto his leg four times. The Edges leave, Neely stays to hold Kane down s'more and Chavo adds one more whack for good measure. End of show.
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This wasn't god-awful... leaps and bounds better than last week's, anyway. Two of the matches were fun to watch (although one's finish was completely perplexing), Kelly and Layla are VERY SLOWLY starting to stop sucking as much, and... yeah. Lotsa Raw replays and Backlash hype. See y'all next week, I'ma watch the Daily Show.