The RAWtopsy 4.28.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 04.30.2008

Nice to see Regal taking notes from David Chase. Now tell us what happened to that guy in the pine barrens.

by J.D. Dunn

Hey all. I'm back after a brief hiatus to focus on a few short films I've been working on.

Hint to future and aspiring filmmakers – never, ever have a character smoke. You know what a pain in the ass that is to match up in editing? Also, if you install Vegas 6.0 and DVD Architect 3.0 on a computer with Vista, don't expect them to output your files. Found out that one the hard way. Fuck Vista, fuck Bill Gates, and fuck the Wright Bros..

What did I miss?

Barack Obama? Seriously? And Hilldog? No way.

April 28, 2008

Live from East Rutherford, N.J..

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Triple H displays his newly won WWE Title. My he's… hmm, how can I put this delicately -- "svelte" compared to the last time had an extended title run. He declares the Age of Orton over, which doesn't sit well with the former champ. Randy Orton interrupts and announces he's going to exercise his rematch clause at Judgment Day. Hunter smacks him in the skull with the microphone, so Orton demands a rematch… TONIGHT!

12-Woman Tag: Mickie James, Michelle McCool, Maria, Kelly Kelly, Ashley Massaro & Cherry vs. Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Melina, Jillian Hall, Layla & Natalya.
Kelly plays face-in-peril. Her teeth are whiter than white. She gets out of trouble and tags Mickie, the only woman who can display camel-toe through denim. She and Jillian do a brief sequence before Mickie finishes with an O'Connor Roll at 3:13. Eight of these women were just out there for face time. 1/2*

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Robbie McAllister (w/Rory McAllister).
Hey! Robbie's on Raw now and not Impact. I can't keep these damn brands straight. Club. Club. Kick to the back. Clothesline from Hell. That gets the win at 1:05. 1/4*

After the match, JBL says he wants John Cena, and he wants the winner of the WWE Title match. Geez, you beat up one Scotsman and all of a sudden you think you can take on the world.

Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. The Extras From No Country For Old Men.
London gets caught in the wrong corner early. Small "boring" chant from the crowd. Kendrick gets the "hot" tag and cleans house. Cade blocks Sliced Bread #2, shoves Kendrick into Murdoch and clubs him in the back of the head. JR calls that "an impressive maneuver." Yes, he's able to manipulate his shoulder socket to move his arm in a forward motion. That really is impressive, JR. Kendrick comes back with a schoolboy rollup for the win at 1:57. At least they have a tag team midcard again. *

After the match, Trevor Murdoch serenades his partner with Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places." This might have been funny if more fans started singing along with him, but A) it's Jersey, B) that song is nearly 20 years old, and C) it made any sense.

Handicap Match: Paul Burchill & Katie Lea vs. Super Crazy.
Katie Lea apparently had a talk with fellow countryman William Regal to get this changed from a one-on-one. She picks her spots, which unfortunately doesn't include sitting in my lap. She hits a crossbody, and Paul finishes with the curbstomp at 1:57, allowing Katie to get the pin. Katie looked good as a wrestler. Paul is still only getting reactions in relation to her. 1/2*

King of the Ring 2008 Coronation:

Meh. Unless William Regal gets to bang Natalie Dormer, he's just not real royalty. He says he will not relinquish his commissionary position just because he's king. He tells us all we will have to get used to being inferior to him. That brings out Mr. Kennedy who says he wasn't even invited to be in the King of the Ring tournament. He turns face on Regal, allowing the fans to chant his name, which it sounds like they've been longing to do for a while. Regal is insulted by this besmirching and suckerpunches Kennedy, triggering a pull-apart brawl. Might as well get some babyface mileage out of Kennedy.

Santino Marella (w/Carlito) vs. Cody Rhodes (w/Hardcore Holly).
Santino looks like a very smart (not necessarily good) wrestler in this match, avoiding Rhodes as he tries to slip over his shoulder and then simply ducking out of the way of his crossbody. He hits an STO and also just shoves him away on a bulldog attempt. Cody hits his lone offensive maneuver, a DDT, and gets the win at 3:14. A DDT? Is it 1986 again already? Cody tries to talk trash, but Carlito sneak attacks him with a Backstabber. 3/4*

The Highlight Reel:

Chris Jericho, decked out in a tux no less, announces this year's award for Best Actor in Sports Entertainment. The nominees Don Muraco & Mr. Fuji for "Fuji General," Michael Cole and Heidenreich for "But I Poop From There," and Shawn Michaels from Backlash '08 for pretending to be injured. Shawn is adamant that he was really injured, but even the replay shows that he "landed awkwardly" on his right leg, but that was the one he was leaning on after the match. Jericho tells him he can drop the act because he did just what he said he would – do whatever it takes. Jericho says no one goes from pious preacher to backstabbing bastard faster than Shawn. Shawn still won't admit it, so Jericho asks for a round of applause for the "Daniel Day Lewis of the WWE" and walks out. Jericho made such an awesome patronizer here, and this is the first time in nearly 8 years that the WWE has been able to build a feud off one match, lead into another logically and maintain momentum. Usually, all the momentum is gone after the PPV.

In the back, Santino Marella hits on Roddy the Piper. He says he was in "Sally Looper's" music video in the Goonies, so he wants Hot Rod to do the Truffle Shuffle. I don't know what's funnier, that he referenced the Truffle Shuffle, or that he referenced a Cindy Lauper video that was in the film for all of five seconds. It does beg the question "whatever happened to Kerri Green?" I was so in love with her as a kid.

WWE Heavyweight Title: Triple H vs. Randy Orton.
Trash talk to start, and Randy grabs the side headlock. Hunter steamrolls him and goes to work on the arm, but Randy kicks him as he's coming back in the ring. We come back from break to find Hunter fighting out of a chinlock. Orton clubs him down, though, and goes back to the chinlock. Hunter battles back again, but gets backdropped and Garvin Stomped. The old man in the front row wearing the Yankees cap is not amused. Orton goes back to the Ortonlock but gets backdropped. He blocks a charge and bodyslams Hunter. He coils up like a snake (the chosen simile of the announcers) and goes for the RKO, but Hunter is like a great mongoose and shoves him away. Hunter comes back with a powerslam and high knee for two. Randy hits the stretch backbreaker. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Orton goes up but gets crotched. Hunter hits a superplex for two, so Orton just goes to the eyes. Hunter blocks another RKO and locks in the Crossface. We cut to William Regal in the control booth. He decides that he will not be disrespected and coerces the director to cut to black…















































DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'! HOLD ON TO THAT FEELIN'!

And, the show cuts off with Orton in still in the Crossface. [N/R]


The 411: Wrestling-wise there wasn't a lot to write home about. I liked the face turn for Kennedy, and the segue to Jericho/Michaels (presumably Batista isn't done yet either). Hopefully, HHH vs. Orton in a cage will be significantly more energetic than tonight's effort.