The RAWtopsy 05.05.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 05.06.2008

His Benevolence, Lord William Regal Cockerbottom grants us a finish this week.

by J.D. Dunn

May 5, 2008

From Toronto, Canada.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Mr. McMahon comes out to tell us that he is proud of the actions of Raw GM William Regal. He endorses Regal as King. Regal gets booed out of the building, so he threatens to turn this show around and take us back home. Mr. Kennedy and his evil stubble interrupt to challenge Regal to a match. Regal gives him a match – a handicap match against the entire ECW roster. Triple H comes out and says Regal has been making mistakes – turning out the lights last week, that's a paddlin'; cutting of Hunter's match, that's a paddlin'; disrespecting Triple H, oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'. Regal isn't impressed, though. He adds Hunter to the main event tonight on Kennedy's side.

WWE Women's Title, Lumberjack Match: Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix.
Beth overpowers Mickie early and tosses her to the floor where the heel lumberjacks (whatever happened to "lumberjills"?) attack her. Back in, Mickie makes her comeback but gets tripped up by Jillian. We come back from a commercial to Beth holding Mickie in a surfboard. Mickie kicks her way out of it and goes for a sunset flip. Beth yanks her up, but Mickie dropkicks her in mid-move. Mickie goes up and hits a Thesz Press for two. She knocks Beth to the floor, and now the faces have their turn to attack Beth. Beth drags Maria back in with her, and Melina tries to use the distraction to nail Mickie with the belt. It hits Beth instead, though, and Mickie is able to small package Beth for the win at 9:07. Not bad. I liked that they put some effort into the finish. **

In the back, Regal questions Chris Jericho on whether or not Shawn Michaels really is okay. Jericho says he's positive Shawn was faking, so Regal makes Shawn Jericho's tag partner tonight, telling Jericho there should be no problems because Shawn is just fine.

In the back, Trevor Murdoch is giving the make-up lady his rendition of "Stand By Your Man." The camera pulls back to show Trish Stratus and the place goes BALLISTIC! She can't think of anything nice to say, so she doesn't say anything at all. She should have said she liked his first song but thought the second song was a little—oh, he only sang one song? College Football Hall of Famer Ron Simmons provides the punchline.

Randy Orton promises that the Age of Orton will resume in two weeks. So is that like the Counter-Reformation?

Handicap Match: Paul Burchill & Katie Lea vs. John Cutler.
Before the next match, William Regal turns off Jim Ross' mic -- although we can still hear him answer King. Oh, no! My computer stopped working as I was typing this. Think about it. Mike Adamle replaces JR. Adamle tells us that he doesn't know much about Cutler, only that his name rhymes with "butler," and if he wins the Cutler will have done it. I said, "THE CUTLER WILL HAVE DONE IT!" Get it? That's just super. The fans lose patience with this one pretty early. It's not all that bad, but we all know where this is going. Burchill and Lea team up for a bow-and-arrow/doublestomp. Burchill hits the Curbstomp and lets Katie get the win at 3:29. This was just a backdrop to demonstrate how awful Adamle is, presumably as some sort of angle. You see, because angles revolving around awful announcers draw money and sell merchandise. I'm anxiously awaiting the Mike Adamle "Boom Goes the Dynamite" t-shirt. Burchill deserves better than to have his match overshadowed by a silly announcer angle, and Lea deserves a spanking. 3/4*

In the back, Shawn Michaels adamantly claims he's hurt, but he promises Jericho he'll do his best.

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Shawn Michaels & Chris Jericho.
I find it fascinating that they're basing an entire upper midcard angle around whether or not Shawn is doing something that Bret Hart used to do all the time to win matches. Regal's wrath apparently only extended to the last match because JR is back at the announce position. Shawn limps down to ringside, and the camera cuts to Jericho who has the #1 AND THE BEST "what-ever" look on his face. JR says everyone has a right to their opinion on whether or not Shawn is injured. Uh… I don't think that extends to medical opinions. "Nah, Magic Johnson, you don't have AIDS. Feel free to fuck away." Hey, I'm entitled to my opinion. Jericho starts because Shawn is just too injured. He does well early, hitting Miz with the springboard dropkick, but Morrison one-ups him with his own springboard kick. Jericho can't reach Shawn, so he makes his own comeback and puts Miz in the Walls of Jericho. Morrison breaks it up and knocks Shawn down. Shawn gets pissed and hits the Superkick on Morrison, allowing Jericho to hit the Lionsault for the win at 4:11. Jericho is puzzled by this latest turn of events. **

It occurs to me that the greatest finish to this angle would be to have Jericho needle Batista for the next few weeks, telling him Shawn was faking, driving Batista into a rage and leading him to cripple Shawn and put him in a wheelchair, then to have Jericho say, "You know what. Now that I think about it, he probably really was injured. I owe you a Coke."

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk.
Punk hits a roundhouse kick and clotheslines Orton to the floor. He goes for a pescado, but Orton avoids and yanks Punk to the floor. Hey, hot chick in the second row. All right. Punk kicks his way back but misses a springboard crossbody. He hits a high knee and the bulldog for two. That leads to a flying kick, but William Regal returns and cuts out the lights. Oooh, they should do one of those neon matches like they have in AAA. The match is over around 5 minutes in. [N/A]

Carlito's Cabana:

Carlito's special guest is Roddy the Piper. He doesn't care for the treatment his partner Santino Marella received from Piper. Marella and Carlito are about to show Piper what it's like, but Cody Rhodes interrupts and he has Cryme Tyme with him. They chase off the heels and dance with the Hot Rod. Hey, you know what, he should paint half his body black and… oh, wait.

John Bradshaw Layfield shows us what it's like to be a rich guy by riding in the back of his limo. Wow. He's on his way to prom. I'm so impressed.

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. DH Smith.
JBL tells him the Hart Foundation is dead, so Davey Boy can't help him right now, Bret Hart can't help him right now, and God can't help him right now. Well, God could, but he has an appearance on a toasted cheese sandwich in Albuquerque scheduled for tonight and tomorrow he's helping a Texas baseball team defeat their rivals. Clubberin. Clubberin. Clothesline From Hell. (1:00) JBL continues the punishment post-match before the refs come out. 1/4*

Smith just got...



BEARIED!

In the back, Punk is complaining to Regal about turning the lights off. Regal tells him to stuff a sock in it and gives a pep talk to the ECW roster. Why is Armando Estrada taking orders from Regal? Could anything make ECW look more like Scrubtdown, Ohio; population Nunzio?

The Smackdown Rebound shows Vickie Guerrero stripping the Undertaker of the WWE Title for using an illegal chokehold to win all his matches. She bans the gogoplata, thus saving the announcers from coming up with a name for it.

ECW vs. Triple H & Mr. Kennedy.
Kennedy and H hold their own until the brute force of… Mike Knox (?) takes over. He's still alive? Kofi Kingston tags in and grabs a chinlock on Kennedy. You have 14 guys on your side. What's with the weardown hold? Kingston accidentally tags Shelton with a flying forearm. Oops. It's just like Strike Force! Benjamin knocks Kofi out and goes after Kennedy. Kennedy comes back with the Finlay Roll on Nunzio, triggering a brawl between HHH and ECW. Hunter is about to take on the entire roster by himself, but Shelton kicks him from behind. Kane chokeslams Kennedy and then goes after Chavo because he's Kane and he doesn't care about teamwork. Roadkill… erm, Bam Neeley knocks Kane over the top. That allows Chavo to finish with the frogsplash at 5:43. Hunter then proceeds to destroy the rest of the roster with chairshots. Ah, now the universe is back in order. The lights go out, though, and when they come back up, Randy Orton is standing behind Hunter. RKO and we're out. This was not nearly as fun as the Orton/Cena handicap match from a few months ago. *

The 411: I like megalomaniacal William Regal staring into everyone's soul as he punishes them, and I love the continuation of the Shawn/Batista/Jericho angle. Everything else is just kind of bleh.