The Dope on Smackdown 5.09.08

Posted by Michael O on 05.10.2008

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot loooong. Feel free to send me some anthrax in the mail so I don't have to walk around with that jingle stuck in my head anymore.

We were LIVE from London, Ontario with Mikey Cole and Micky Foley and I have to go to work in an hour so I won't be able to finish this 'til tomorrow night. :(

Vickie, Edge and the Tedster are out and Vickie announces that there will be a title match at J-Day, with the Undertaker undertaking on the winner of tonight's "Championship Chase". Any ECW or Smackdowner that's held gold is invited to participate, minus Edge and officer Khali, who are both injured (wink, wink).

So our field of eligible contenders is comprised of Big Show, John Morrison (boo), Finlay (yay), CM Punk (YAY), Chavo (BOO), Tommy Dreamer (YAY), MVP (BOO), Kane (YAY), Matt Hardy (YAY!) and Batista (extra big YAY!), who will all face off in one-on-one matches, with the winners of said matches competing in an over-the-top-rope battle royal at the end of the night to determine 'Taker's opponent. It's kinda like an episode of Impact, but with 87% less confusion.

Matt Hardy vs C.M. Punk
They lock up to start and Matt takes control of Punk's arm. Personally, I'd have gone for a leg, but I really, really hate getting kicked in the face. Punk tries to reverse a sunset flip but his arm is too sore to make that happen. Punk goes up but Matt electric chair drops him off the top. Matt misses an axehandle, but gets a side effect for 2. Punk shoves out of the twist of fate and nails Matt with a knee to the face. Punk sets up for a pedigre-er, butterfly suplex but Matt powers up and falls back on him for two, though Punk keeps his arms locked and turns it into a backbreaker. Nicey nice. Matt is back on the arm attack but gets kicked in the face (told ya), and both dudes counter each others' finishers. Matt then counters a mahistrol cradle for the pin and the win.
This was like the last 5 minutes of a really good match, which is frustrating, but hey, better than 5 minutes of slop, right?

Matt Hardy pinned CM Punk to advance in the Championship Chase

MVP vs Finlay
Hornswoogle rolls some tennis balls into the ring, allowing Finlay to take over off the distraction. MVP rolls out of a headlock hits an armbreaker after Finlay misses a corner charge. Montel is in control with a fujiwa armbar as we go to break.
Back from, with MVP still making Finlay's arm his bitch. Finlay hits him with a clothesline but can't capitalize and gets booted out of the ring. MVP slams Finlay arm first into the barricade and rolls him in for two. MVP slaps on an armbar but Finlay battles out and goes after the leg, eventually settling on a single leg crab. MVP manages to bodyscissor Finlay while in the midst of a leg-lock and snags a triangle arm bar. Both men are up, but collide, and Finlay gets a back suplex for the double pin. After that contest, I'd be happy to see these two settle their differences at Judgment Day, or anywhere else for that matter.

MVP vs Finlay went to a draw

Kelly Kelly vs Natalya
Natalya takes down Kelly to start and nails her with a snap suplex. Kelly fights out of the corner but Nattie catches her with a tilt-a-whirl slam and follows it with an elbow drop. Kelly kicks her into the corner and goes for a handspring something, but Nattie catches her and turns it into a back suplex. Kelly squared battles back and goes up top but Nattie yanks her down leg first and gets the sharpshooter for the win.
Nattie keeps looking better and better.

You know, the E should really consider having the chick title be a shared thing amongst shows as it would instantly create a pretty strong women's roster. And while we're at it, unify those fucking tag straps already.
If we can go back to having brand-blended PPV, we can certainly go back to having one tag team championship and one is more than enough for the handful of (mostly) crappy teams to fight over.

Natalya defeated Kelly Kelly by submission

We get some fan perspective on Vickie's decision to strip the Undertaker of his belt. The general consensus is that Vickie is an A-hole but there are a couple of dorks who think she did the right thing.

5 dollar footlong? I got a free footlong for ya right here...OWWWW!
Sorry, I just watched 'The Adventures of Ford Fairlane' the other day, which is a pretty good movie, you know, if you like shit.

Vickie says that since Finlay and MVP went to a draw they can BOTH be in the battle royal 'cause she's a half-full kinda gal. That was pretty nice of her, actually.

John Morrison vs Batista
Morrison and his 8 pounds of make-up bail after a couple of kicks to Batista's leg. 'Tista gives chase but gets caught with a dropkick from the apron to the outside. Back inside, Batista takes over in the corner with some shoulders to the tummy but Johnny boy dropkicks him to the outside. Morrison keeps control with an elbow to the back of the head and a neckbreaker before slapping on a chinlock. A missile dropkick gets 2, as does the fancy-pants leg drop.
Batista powers out of another chinlock but misses a corner charge. Morrison mounts him for the ten punch and Batista looks to turn that into a power bomb but John takes him down with a hurracanrana instead. Morrison goes for the moonlight drive but gets back body dropped. A spear begets a demon bomb and that's all, folks.

Match was all Morrison until the closing moments and he looked great, but with his success rate against the big boys being what it is, I was pretty much just waiting for Batista to hit his moves and win. At least there was some fun along the way to the boulevard of inevitability.

Batista pinned John morrison to advance in the Championship Chase

Big Show vs Tommy Dreamer
Not to get too semantical, but Cole says that Show has held the WWE, ECW and World heavyweight championships. Maybe das E has suddenly decided to incorporate WCW's lineage into the big gold belt, without actually acknowledging the existence WCW. I wouldn't put it past them, I guess.
Anyways, Show beat the crap out of Dreamer and chokeslammed him for the win.

Big Show pinned Tommy Dreamer to advance in the Championship Chase

Chavo Guerrero w/Bam Kneely vs Kane
Since wrestling is a pseudo-sport, I suppose the trend of giving wrestlers pseudo-sports star names makes sense, even if I think it's lame. Hmm, do two occurrences even constitute a trend? For the purposes of the point I just made, we'll go with 'yes'.

Kane throws Chavo around and goes for the chokeslam but Chavo holds onto the top rope. Chavo goes after the leg like a rabid Chihuahua and Bam joins in, behind the ref's back of course. Chavo goes for the ten punch but Kane chokes his way out of it, though he can't capitalize so Chavo goes right back on the attack. Chavo nails a missile dropkick and seems pretty pleased with himself until the Myers sit-up. Kane boots him in the head and bodyslams him, following it up with an elbow drop for 2. Kane, still favoring the leg, hits a clothesline in the corner but Chavo counters an attempted sidewalk slam. Kane catches Chavo coming off the top, but can't make his chokeslam dreams become a reality. Chavo goes for a sunset flip, but Kane counters it for the 1,2,3.

On his way to the back, Kane compares his ECW strap to the encased World Heavyweight belt at the top of the ramp. One of these things is not like the other, one of these things ain't worth jack shit.

Kane pinned Chavo to advance in the Championship Chase

Vladimir Koslov vs Phil Atlas
Ugh, I was kinda hoping that we'd be spared our weekly serving of Koslov squash since there's so much championship chase action going on, but I guess not. Koslov does his thing and wins with a reverse DDT. I wrote that last sentence before the opening bell rang and after actually watching the match, I see no need for amendment or addendum.

Vladimir Koslov pinned Phil Atlas

Over the top rope battle royal to determine the Undertaker's Judgment day opponent:
Big Show vs MVP vs Kane vs Finlay vs Matt Hardy vs Batista
Everybody pairs off, with Hardy getting the shit end of the stick in the form of the Big Show. Finlay joins him, but both are shoved away. Kane and 'Tista team up on Show while Finlay attempts to dispatch Matt to the outside. This is all moving...very...slowly. Everybody is kind of just hanging around with ah, you know, somebody punching somebody else once in a while. We head to break, and I need one 'cause this sure is one intense, fast-paced battle royal.

Back from the break, with everyone laying down, except Matt and Kane, who are going at it in the corner and Show, who is...sauntering around. Eventually MVP manages to dumps Matt. Several minutes of (in) action later, Finlay wakes up the crowd by going to town on everybody with the shillelagh, but gets booted out of the ring by Kane. MVP goes for the running kick on Batista but goes flying over the top rope. Big Show disposes of Kane and after some more slow, boring action, Batista powers Big Show out for the win.
Batista won the Championship Chase battle royal

But wait! Vickie is out and announces that Edge has just been medically cleared to compete, so the battle royal is not over. Edge runs down and spears Batista over the top.
Possibly the slowest and dullest battle royal I've ever witnessed. I know all these guys had hard-fought battles throughout the night, but this was seriously painful to watch. I kept expecting somebody to just light up a cigarette or something.
Edge won the Championship Chase battle royal (for real this time)

*Note: My DVR cut this off about two seconds after Edge won, so if anything interesting happened after that, you can bitch about the omission in the comments section.

Not to take anything away from P.S. Hayes (and for all I know he "wrote" these before the suspension) but Smackdown has become more intriguing in his abscence. This week's show was chugging along nicely until the main event grinded everything to a halt, but what're you gonna do? And sure, I don't know that we really need another Edge/'Taker title fight, but at least the road to get there has been more interesting and unpredictable than the what I've come to expect out of Noo Yawk. Overall, I'm growing more interested in the direction of this show than I have been for quite some time, so keep up the good(ish) work, B-team!