But that's old news. She does have a funny blog post up on her MySpace about Mick Foley trying to slip her a roofie at a fan convention, though.
Re: The Great Dog vs. Bear Debate (in The Shining)
The script calls for a dog, as does the novel. Sadly, the character was excised from the movie but for that one, unexplained shot of him performing oral sex. I contend that shot is actually the most frightening of the film. Whether they actually *got* a dog suit for production is some matter of debate, and certainly a lot of people think it's a bear suit. Just look at the resemblance between the man in "The Shining" and Fozzy the muppet.
You know who we need for this? Stephen Colbert.
May 12, 2008
Live from Detroit, Mich.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.
Commissioner King William Regal is in the ring with Lillian Garcia. He forces her to sing "God Save the Queen," drawing massive boos. He gets upset at Detroit for metaphorically dumping tea in his harbor. He instructs security to toss out some random people, who turn out to be Mickie James' brother and his girlfriend who can't act. You know they're plants because they actually look worried instead of the man puffing out his chest like he's somebody and saying, "Yo, man, I'll meet you in the parking lot, buddy! What'choo wanna do, huh? What'choo wanna do?" Regal threatens to strip Mickie James of her title, which brings out John Cena to tell Regal not to be such an asshole. He reads some e-mails sent to WWE.com. Logan in Portland writes, "This is WCW Thunder bad." He also proposes a "Fire Regal, clap, clap, clapclapclap" chant. The fans take that suggestion, but sadly they do not go all smartass with it by actually saying the words "clap, clap, clapclapclap." Regal makes a Cena vs. Orton match for later tonight. He also promises that no one who isn't involved in the match will interfere. Cena has Lillian sing "Respect" because that's the running theme tonight.
World Tag Titles: Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes vs. Carlito & Santino Marella. Roddy Piper takes a seat at ringside at Santino's invitation. Carlito saves Santino from the Alabama Slam. Ross talks about Holly's "NASCAR mentality of toughness." Yes, when things get rough, he gets in his car and drives away. Holly fights out of trouble and tags in Cody. Cody cleans house until Santino hits a jawbreaker. Santino stops to talk trash to Hot Rod and gets DDT'd at 3:02. 3/4*
Mr. Kennedy vs. Snitsky.
Snitsky overpowers Kennedy and drops an elbow. That leads to a bearhug. Okay. I'm just going to say this because I think we've all been thinking it: Snitsky has to turn Russian. All of a sudden, without explanation, he just has to start wearing the hammer and sickle and calling everyone "comrade." Hell, he already wrestles like Soldad Ustinov. Why not just complete the gimmick? Kennedy gets in a few chopblocks on the legs and finishes with the Mic Check at 3:26. *
Todd Grisham asks Santino Marella what's up. Marella promises revenge on Roddy the Piper because this isn't the 1980s where Michael J. Fox goes back in time to become a werewolf. How much cooler would that movie have been? And it would have spared us Teen Wolf Too.
Elsewhere, Mickie James thanks John Cena for sticking up for her and asks him to go out for drinks with her brother and his girlfriend who can't act. Cena teases her with a "no" (because he has to maintain vigilance in the war against Ortonism in all its forms). Finally, he says yes but warns her that nights get wild with him. Yes, downing a Subway sammitch and renting "The Marine" can be quite harrowing. Btw, this might be the first instance in history where a woman has asked out a guy who was wearing a wrestling shirt based on a video game. Mickie's the Olivia Munn of the WWE.
Recap of Melina trying to help Beth Phoenix by using her boot, but it backfired. (And yes, it was her boot and not the belt, but in my defense, I don't give a shit. Plus, her boots did have little belts on them at the ankles.)
Mickie James & Maria vs. Beth Phoenix & Melina.
So, obviously there will be tension among the heels from last week, but won't Maria be a little jealous about Mickie moving in on Cena? They do a splits doubletrip move. Oooh, it's just like Shawn and Marty. The heels get off on the wrong foot as Melina gets knocked into Beth Phoenix who had her back turned. Beth pulls a Rick Martel and walks off. Mickie wins with the neckbreaker at 1:26. Mickie and Maria bond after the match, possibly making plans for a threesome. 1/4*
72-percent of WWE Mobile respondents think Shawn is telling the truth about his knee injury. 28-percent think he's lying. The other 5-percent don't know how to add.
The Highlight Reel:
Chris Jericho says he's had a change of heart and now thinks that Shawn is telling the truth. As a result, he's going to ask Regal to call of the match at the PPV. Shawn Michaels comes out and says Jericho was right all along, and Shawn feigned an injury for the first time in his career. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jericho doesn't believe that Shawn can go and thinks he's lying *now.* Shawn lays him out with Sweet Chin Music to prove it.
Jeff Hardy returns and admits to making a mistake, but now he's back to reclaim his Intercontinental Title. William Regal cuts off his mic and says Hardy hasn't been punished enough, so he will be facing OOOOMAINGUHH!
Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga.
Jeff hits a sliding dropkick, but that just pisses Umaga off. Umaga tosses him around and hits all his usual stuff. Jeff avoids the Buttalanche, though, and finishes with the Whisper in the Wind at 1:23. Kind of an odd finish, especially since it looked like Umaga kicked out. 1/2*
Cryme Tyme vs. Hillary Clinton's Base.
JTG starts with Lance Cade but slides out to hang with a Hulk Hogan fan. The Hogans' divorce has left JTG nothing to steal, so he gets back in the ring and plays face-in-peril. He tries a sunset flip (and overshoots), but Trevor Murdoch squats down on him for the win at 2:28. 1/2*
After the match, Cade says he's finally come around on Murdoch's singing, so he asks him to sing a victory song. Murdoch responds with a little Kenny Rogers, but Cade apparently got some bad chicken at one of Kenny's restaurants because he slugs Murdoch in mid ballad, presumably breaking up the team once and for all. Great. Now he's Lance-a-Billy.
In the back, Melina asks Beth Phoenix what she was thinking. Beth thinks Melina hit her with the boot on purpose last week because Melina wants to face Mickie and not Beth. The two come to fisticuffs, and Beth finally has to be pulled off Melina.
Randy Orton reminds everyone how dominant he was as champion. Yeah, disqualified, win, disqualified, win, disqualified, win, loss. That's actually 3-4.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena.
Randall has new music. Orton grabs a headlock, but Cena comes back with a bulldog and the Fisherman's Suplex for two. Orton cuts off his momentum with an elbow. Cena blocks a stomp and tosses Orton over the top. Good job, Kal-el. During a commercial, Orton works in the rope-assisted DDT. When we come back, Cena fires back but gets powerslammed. Cena goes for his flying shoulderblock, but Orton drops out of the way. Cena blocks the RKO and hits the Throwback. The Salutatorian Slice puts Orton down, and Cena finishes for the 5-Dollar Footlong… dammit! 5-Knuckle Shuffle. John Bradshaw Layfield replaces the referee in the middle of the match, so Cena knocks him out of the ring. He picks Orton up for the FU, but JBL boots him in the face and counts onetwothree. Hey, as long as he's consistent with that count, as Jesse Ventura would say. Orton picks up the win at 9:28. **3/4
Orton & JBL lay in the beatdown until Triple H storms down and makes the save. JBL and Cena brawl into the crowd, leaving Orton & HHH in the ring. Suddenly, the cage lowers. HHH hits a spinebuster and tosses Orton into the cage. Randy falls through to the floor because it hasn't been secured to the ring yet. Hunter climbs to the top of the cage and poses victoriously. Given the formula that the guy who has the last laugh in the go-home show always loses at the PPV – which works 45-percent of the time, every time – I guess that means Randy wins.
The 411: I like most of the matches set up for the PPV, but only the Michaels/Jericho match has had a good build. Cena-JBL and HHH-Orton have been "I beat you up, you beat me up" tradeoffs each week. The Mickie-Cena thing is interesting if they every follow up on it. Hopefully, it doesn't become another Mickie/Cade/Murdoch thing where it's dropped after a couple of weeks.
The best recapper on the net... no less than 3 laugh out loud moments.
Well done sir.
Posted By: Rollz (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 02:10 PM
JD DUNN IT'S THURSDAY.. ALWAYS LATE. But I can't be mad... because you're JD DUNN.
Hell you could post this on May 13,2009 and I can't complain.
Good read Dunn. I hope you write until I die.
Posted By: unregistered user (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Wednesday here. :p
Posted By: J.D. Dunn (Registered) on May 14, 2008 at 02:39 PM
3 Minute Tag Title Match, and Less Then 18 Minutes of wrestling in 6 Of the Matches. Wow.
No Wonder I watch ROH.
Posted By: kwjr86 (Registered) on May 14, 2008 at 02:48 PM
I think the finish to Umaga/Jeff Hardy was meant to be that way, kinda in the "Oh man, Hardy beat Umaga, but JUST BARELY!" way.
Posted By: Guest#6115 (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 02:50 PM
Great recap of a terrible show. It's sad when the recap was more entertaining than the actual episode.
Posted By: Blah... (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:00 PM
JD Dunn = MANY BUYS!
Posted By: Guest#7380 (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:03 PM
Damn it is wednesday isn't it.
great now you've ruined my week. i thought tomorrow was friday.
Posted By: unregistered user (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:13 PM
i'm surprised no one has commented on this yet, so i'll give it a shot. i noticed jeff hardy mouthing "hardy! hardy!" to get the hardy chant going which i thought was a bit strange.. even more strange was his four post salute and just how much he was begging the crowd to drown him in cheers.. so here's what I think. Hardy was told to go out and the future of his character was going to be determined by the crowd response. Big hardy pop, and jeff would be right back in the driver's seat, regal would bring out Umaga and hardy would get the W. if vince and the brass were not impressed with the response to hardy's return, regal was going to send out JBL for a real beatdown and hardy would have to work hard to reclaim his spot.
i just wouldn't be surprised if hardy himself had no idea which way this was going to go.. anyone else jump to these possible conclusions? or am i a just nuts?
Posted By: m-a-d (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:28 PM
Why doesn't Santino have a new lady yet? You know he should have a new girl on his arm to stick it to Maria...that was a fun storyline that needed to continue. A tad better than Santino vs. the elderly Roddy Piper.
Posted By: O'Dog (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:31 PM
Great recap JD
Posted By: Dwayne (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:32 PM
Yes, downing a Subway sammitch and renting "The Marine" can be quite harrowing. ---- dude i freaking love your recaps. i laughed about 6 times throughout and i greatly appreciated the anchorman sex panther line as it pertains to who's going to win the big one at the ppv. nicely done as always dunn.
Posted By: hellboysetsfire (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:36 PM
"3 Minute Tag Title Match, and Less Then 18 Minutes of wrestling in 6 Of the
Matches. Wow.
No Wonder I watch ROH." - kwjr86
Sarcastic, smark response indicitive of a feeling of smug superiority.
No wonder you watch ROH.
Posted By: Dr Domino (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 03:36 PM
I thought for a second when JBL said he was replacing the referee that they would show the footage from the Hardy/Umaga match and say that the ref blew the three count. I don't know if it was the same ref, but that would have been some nice continuity if it had been. Did anyone else notice that JBL's punches looked incredibly weak, more like slaps that were barely making contact, and when he tried to boot Cena in the head right as HHH came out, it was a total whiff? I thought maybe he was drunk.
Posted By: Jeff (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 04:18 PM
damn you're right it is wednesday. My apologies Dunn.
Posted By: unregistered user (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 04:52 PM
"The Mickie-Cena thing is interesting if they every follow up on it. Hopefully, it doesn't become another Mickie/Cade/Murdoch thing where it's dropped after a couple of weeks."
I've got my money on it being dropped after a couple of weeks.
Posted By: Chris (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 05:04 PM
You know the sad part? How many guys are going to try and pull the same act to ask a girl out that Cena pulled on Mickie?
Probably in their wrestling t-shirt
Posted By: Guest#0662 (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 05:14 PM
"Btw, this might be the first instance in history where a woman has asked out a guy who was wearing a wrestling shirt based on a video game."
Brilliant.
Posted By: SJC (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 05:38 PM
Great writing, man.
"Lance-a-billy"...Man, that's just friggin' great.
Posted By: Rat (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 06:36 PM
raw was ok, i dvr'd it and was amazed that i wathced the whole thing ( minus the intros, commercials, and plugs) in close to 25 min, how come the melina/phonix beat down got pushed to the side that was an azz whoopin, and someone better alert kenny dykstra about the cena/james story, this is exactly how the whole edge/lita/hardy thing went down, did anyone know that there's a PPV on sunday?
Posted By: otis (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 07:05 PM
It's not Kal-El. It's bizarro Hogan. You know how everyone loved Hogan, but hates Cena now. (sighs)
Posted By: Peter (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 07:23 PM
Totally unrelated question- You mentioned how throwing together guys to form a team when they got nothing better to do is a Russo trademark, the NAO being the poster child for it. Question, who else did he do that with? Because I can't think of anyone...
Posted By: Mathew Sforcina (Registered) on May 14, 2008 at 08:16 PM
It's funny that Regal came out to teach Hardy a lesson with U-Main-Ga when all 3 are Wellness Failures.
WWE Logic it's Fantastic!
Posted By: JT Money (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 08:55 PM
"since it looked like Umaga kicked out"
i saw that too, and why give Ha(i)rdy(e) the win, against You-manga of all people, you-manga NEEDS TO BE PUSHED AS A MONSTER, if he's going over to another brand as a legitimate contender.
Posted By: casual_monday_mayhem (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 10:25 PM
a Seinfeld reference...
NUMEROUS PURCHASES!!!
Posted By: Pepo (Guest) on May 14, 2008 at 10:57 PM
Hardy always chants his name, so yes you are nuts.
Posted By: Guest#9905 (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 12:22 AM
"
Totally unrelated question- You mentioned how throwing together guys to form a
team when they got nothing better to do is a Russo trademark, the NAO being the
poster child for it. Question, who else did he do that with? Because I can't
think of anyone..."
Off the top of my head - the Acolytes, Too Cool, the Job Squad, Palumbo & Stasiak, Luger & Bagwell, the New Midnight Express, Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett.
Some are arguable. Others, not so much.
Posted By: J.D. Dunn (Registered) on May 15, 2008 at 12:42 AM
I didn't see the show, but I'm surprised you didn't pick up on this. I'm sure JR said Holly has NASCAR toughness cause he was once Bob "Spark Plug" Holly
Posted By: rich (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 02:05 AM
I always love these recaps. Good job, sir. I laughed and laughed hard.
Posted By: Christopher (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 05:07 AM
JD Dunn,
A few comments, that wasn't "The Highlight Reel", just a segment with Jericho.
And Orton technically WON the match, which gives him the advantage going into the PPV, regARDLESS of the beatdown after the match. So TRips will win at Judegarmagedebacklashnightstandunforgivanomercy.
Posted By: jackunforgivenomercy. (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 09:02 AM
By the way the best sign of the night had to be "King Regal for Mayor". Anyone follow Suge Killpatrick case knows Regal couldn't do any worse.
Posted By: JT Money (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 09:06 AM
Ross talks about Holly's "NASCAR mentality of toughness." Yes, when things get rough, he gets in his car and drives away.
BRAVO Sir...
Posted By: FCT (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 12:50 PM
"3 Minute Tag Title Match, and Less Then 18 Minutes of wrestling in 6 Of the
Matches. Wow.
No Wonder I watch ROH."
You mean: "Wow a brightly lit place that doesn't smell like sweat socks and has actual females? No thanks, I'll stick with ROH!"
FYI- I like ROH too, but you don't have to be such a putz.
Posted By: M:-X (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 01:06 PM
I look forward to this column every week and it never dissapoints.
Posted By: cotti (Guest) on May 15, 2008 at 02:15 PM
"and Cena finishes for the 5-Dollar Footlong… dammit! 5-Knuckle Shuffle. "
Thanks for throwing that song right back into my head. Took me WEEKS to dig it out.
