ECW Rant of AweXomeness 5.20.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 05.20.2008

Waitaminute... they're having another Pay-Per-View in two weeks? Jesus Christ, these guys move fast. One Night Stand hype contained within, peoples!

HEY! I'm Elmo Machete. No funny stuff before this one, I've been getting back from Brooklyn, moving, phoning, eating, drinking, smoking, and playing old Nintendo 64 games all day (I won the IC title in No mercy with Ivory!). I'm watching ECW tonight with commentors Reverend Moe Esch, Bob the Baker, and my former internet wrestling roleplay tag partner Shasta. ON TO THE (likely disappointing) SHOW!

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(Bee Tea Double-You, we're playing the ECW Drinking Game – you drink every time Mike Adamle eff's up.)

A bunch of people are in the ring, no intro, Armando's talking – One Night Stand's in two weeks. All matches are under Extreme Rules. Four former Champions – CM Punk, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, and Tommy Dreamer. They'll be in a Fatal Four Way Singapore Cane Match... that's weird. Tonight it's Morrison and Chavo vs. Dreamer and Punk.

OH, here's the shitty opening song.

It's Des Moines, Iowa, we're with Adamle and the Tazz, and right off the bat it's...

WWE Tag Team Champion THE MIZ (w/Judgement Day replays) vs. KANE. Mizzy bullshits before the opening bell, hyping the Dirt Sheet. Non-title, I assume. Kane knocks the snot out of Miz with uppercuts & the low dropkick right away. Miz tries to mount a comeback in the corner, which goes nowhere. Kane lifts him for the reverse neckbreaker-y choke, and eventually Miz gets tossed outside. They mess around over sending eachother into the ringpost, Kane being finally sent in back first. Miz does his usual 2nd rope plancha thing, the corner clothesline he stole from Matt Sydal, and goes to a ¾ headlock. Kane comes back wqith his usual offense, kicks n' lines n' sideslam, then the flying lariat. Miz blocks the chokeslam, eats a fist to the mouth and gets stomped in the tree of woe before Kane heads outside and chokes him until he's disqualified. After the bell, chokeslam, see you later. Oh, wait – it's the first match? The Champion opened the show? Oh, word. Morrison saves Miz from having his neck Pillmanized.
*3/4 (This was nothing terribly offensive.)

Coming up next, Kofi fights Shelton AGAIN, and Shasta is confused when Kingston isn't Booker T.

BREAK.

Some awful song by some lame band was the theme for the PPV last night.

KOFI KINGSTON vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN (w/replays of Kofi beating him, again & again), FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME. Please let this lead somewhere.Kofi's fighting stance is silly. Kingston gets lead into the corner, they break, Shelton scores some knees n' forearms. Kofi gets a convoluted armbar from an electric chair, some punches in the corner, and then Benji almost KILLS him by dropping Kofi's knees across the buckles. Benji slams KK's knee to the post, gets a (piss-poor) shinbreaker and a leglock. They kick eachother, Kofi gets a fairly sweet lookin' step-up headscissor reversal and a dropkick in SPITE of the leg he's selling, Russian legsweep and Shelton schoolboys Kofi out of the "Boom-Boom-Boom" legdrop. Single-leg crab, Benji charges the corner, eats turnbuckle, but Kingston misses the spinny-kicky-deal, gets a (slightly stalled) jumping Flatliner and – OH SHIT! - they end Kofi's undefeated streak!
*** (I'd actually call it **3/4 because of the mini-botch, but wouldn't you know it, this may lead somewhere.)

BREAK.


COLIN DELANEY & KELLY KELLY vs. MIKE KNOX & LAYLA (w/o El). Me, Bob, Moe n' Shasta are all pissed that Kelly's younger than us & we'll never fuck her. Layla & Kelly start, they kick, and Kelly shittily headscissors Layla to the outside while shittily skinning the cat. She gets a cross body, Knox the shit outta Colin, and out of goddamn nowhere KK gets the Back-of-the-Face-Buster for the win.
1/2* (That was, uhh... brief.)
After the match, Knox hits Colin with the Shellshock, Armando comes down, they have another "match," and Kelly sticks around to look concerned. So, she left Knox, hooked up with Balls, forgot about him after he was fired & is lookin' to fuck Delaney now? Well, alright. Oh, yeah – I'm not rating this.

BREAK. (WOW, does the finish of the UT/Edge match look stupid.)

Raw Rebound: William regal replays, which is kinda silly considering how he just got busted for drugs (according to Moe, who keeps up with wrestling better than I). McMahon makes Regal leave because he lost to that blithering dickweed Mr. (Ken) Kennedy (Kennedy), whatever. I like regal & hate Kennedy as a face (and as a wrestler, actually).

One Night Stand hype – Orton/H's last man standing, Cena/Bradshaw 1st blood match, Jeff Hardy/Umaga falls count anywhere, Batista/HBK stretcher match, and that Singapore Cane match from before. Eh, it looks alright I guess. Boo-tista.

CM PUNK (w/cool t-shirt & swanky briefcase) & TOMMY DREAMER vs. COMMERCIALS!

BREAK.

THOSE GUYS I JUST SAID vs. WWE Tag Team Champion JOHN MORRISON & CHAVO GUERRERO. Chavo should just keep his head shaved, his hairline is embarassing. Or, get Dreamer-like hairplugs. Dreamer grabs a headlock on Morrison, gets a shoulderblock or two then a reverse powerbomb & an armdrag. Morrison tags in Chavo, Dreamer armdrags him and tags in Punk. "CW Punk" flips in onto Chavo and starts working his arm, hits the Welcome to Chicago backbreaker and some knees in another butterfly lock. Morrison back in, Punk bodyslams him and gets two out of it. Guerrero comes back in, he & Morrison try to double-heel-team Punk in the corner but Punk eventually planchas onto Chavo. Morrison gets Punk on his shoulders, drops him HARD on the outside and we go to commercial.

BREAK.

We're back – Morrison's got Punk in a surfboard. Nitro gets a sweet backbreaker, a Russian legsweep ("plain evil" for the millionth time) and Chavo comes back in. He continues to bore me with his punchy heel offense, stretches the arm, and nothing of note happens. Morrison and Chavo work over Punk in the corner, Nitro snapmares him n' kicks Punk's back, then he gets kicked low in the legs. Punk gets a schoolboy that doesn't get it done, Chavo comes back and dropkicks Punk in the skull while he's down. Punk gets an enziguri, Morrison stops him before he can tag Dreamer, but Punk eventually tags him after the corner knee/bulldog. Dreamer is the proverbial "house of fire," gets a near-fall on Morrison after a suplex and Nitro misses the springboard kick. Dreamer gets a spike DDT, Chavo breaks up the pinfall, and Chavo tags in while Johnny is in the tree of woe. Guerrero hits the frog splash, and that's it (mercifully).
*1/2 (Whatever. Sorta dull.)
Big Show comes out, kills everyone & injects himself into the Cane match for O.N.S. He's a former champion, after all, AND he'll be a future champion. End of show.


Eh, this show was as good as could be expected. I DO have Big Show's music stuck in my head now, so that's pretty good.