The High-Impact Chronicle 5.22.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 05.23.2008

As the Angles turn, AJ Styles gets absolutely crushed.



Okay, I cut things down to 4,000 words last week and that's about where it's going to stay. Get yer reading mitts warmed up, folks. Tonight on Impact we have the onset of the King of the Mountain qualifiers, which if you'll recall last year brought us one of the best free TV matches TNA put on in all of '07 in the shape of Harris vs. Storm. The KotM match, despite its daft structure, is usually one of the more entertaining signature matches the company has to offer and with Joe going in as champion for the first time I'm looking forward to seeing how things pan out. It's also a much better example of how you book this sort of thing - a handful of qualifiers on Impact leading up to the PPV, and then the big finale takes center stage all on its own on the night. Let's kick it off.

The pre-show...

JB is backstage with Team 3D, who are making plans with a mystery partner and don't appreciate the intrusion. We get a love-themed video package highlighting TNA's current ongoing feuds, which pleasingly highlights Sonjay Dutt's glorious reaction to Machismo's marriage proposal. I have to say though, since turning Angle's focus back to the whole love triangle thing, the focus has been pretty messy. Let's see if tonight improves things.

"Kurt & Karen: The Beginning... or the End?"

Some guy in the front row has his face painted up like Sting, but it looks like he's used watercolors instead of normal facepaint. Hey, we're starting right out with some actual wrestling!

Brother Ray vs. Homicide

Neither man is accompanied by their partners, so you have to anticipate some shenanigans within the next ten minutes. Homicide is not a happy bunny after 3D's beatdown of Hector last week and goes right for Ray, alternately pummeling him and being shoved away until Ray buys some time with an eye rake. 'Cide gets the ten-punch in the corner but runs into an elbow and a big boot. Ray tries out some Spanish smack-talk on the crowd, who are solidly in the Latino corner. Slam to Homicide as we get a nice angle of Slick Johnson's lovely shorts/boots combo. Homicide dodges a senton from Ray. A series of clotheslines rocks the big man and a second rope dropkick takes him down. Up top and 'Cide dives off with a hurracanrana that looks as though it should barely have shaken Ray, and then the Gringo Stunner. Devon dives into the ring with a kendo stick and we get the DQ finish. Need I even mention that Devon goes straight for the tables? However, Hernandez charges the ring and lays out 3D before they can do anything too malicious. He sets up for the Border Toss on Devon, but Booker T (The T!) hits the ring and the numbers game takes over (© Don West). 'Cide gets nailed with his own tag belt (irony!) as Ray takes the kendo stick to Hernandez's head. Boo-urns from the crowd. Ray shouts angrily at the camera as the timekeeper rings the bell insistently, perhaps hoping it has some magical powers that can save everyone's favorite Mexican pimps. Homicide eats a powerbomb through the table and LAX are left beaten and bloody. These teams put on a decent feud last year, and 3D have shown they're not too proud to put new guys over, so this does make rather good sense for LAX's first title defense.

To the back... and JB is apparently so happy to see Karen that he could dance a jig. I would pay extremely good money to see that. Karen leaves, and JB walks into KONG and Saeed, who deliver a mystery $25,000 challenge and storm off.

A video package... highlighting the eeeevil machinations of the Beautiful People, who take responsibility for Roxxi's head shaving, Gail's knee injury and their sneaky heel win last week on Impact. My goodness but these two ladies are rather fair on the eye. Meanwhile, Lauren is with ODB, claiming they were both victims of Angelina and Velvet last week. ODB apparently hates "big fake plastic boobies", claiming her own boulders are filled with vodka. Lauren spends the entire interview with her hands on ODB's jubblies, and I am a happy man.

Angelina Love vs. ODB

Angelina brandishes the Shears of Mild Peril on her way down to the ring. Fifteen minutes into the show and we're already on the second wrestling match? Pleasing, TNA, very pleasing.

Don West: "I'm just daydreaming about boobies filled with vodka."

Mike Tenay: "Who's going to add the splash of cranberry?"

Dirty, dirty old men. ODB spits the contents of her booze flask in Angelina's face, but eats a massive kick to the head for her troubles. Velvet gets in a few cheap shots, and Angelina pounds ODB's head into the mat for a one count. Angelina locks in a rest hold around sixty seconds into the match (wow, psychology 101 right there), but perhaps unsurprisingly ODB is able to power up and back Angelina into the turnbuckles. Three big clotheslines to the Beautiful Person, and ODB scoops her up for the fallaway slam. The crowd is way into ODB here, by the way. Sideslam on Angelina for a two count. ODB goes behind Angelina, who is able to make it to the ropes and toss ODB face first into a shot from Velvet, which the ref conveniently misses. Pin and the three count? Oh wait, Velvet used the booze flask. Kinda makes sense.

The Beautiful People go to setup ODB for a shaving, but Roxxi makes the save and plants Angelina with a spinebuster. Roxxi with the shears, but Rudy Charles does not want, and steals them away. He eats a Voodoo Drop for his troubles! Ahahahaha, that was brilliant. Roxxi officially rules, and the crowd thinks so too.

Tenay and West shill tonight's card, which includes Matt Morgan against Bobby Roode in a KotM qualifier, and Kong's challenge, which apparently involves wrestling fans. Yup. Mind you, the last time we had a fan challenge we got Santino Marella, so it might not be all bad.

A video package for the King of the Mountain match, which has indeed produced its fair share of entertainment over the years. And for all the haters who claim the rules take so long to explain, it takes Dramatic Voiceover Guy a mere twenty-five seconds, and he's speaking slowly for added effect. He also sells the fact that no champion has ever successfully defended his title in the match.

TNA World Champion Samoa Joe (it still feels weird to say that) heads out to the ring with Kevin Nash, and I'm actually genuinely interested to see who he picks as his four participants in the KotM qualifiers. Joe hypes his selections as the best and baddest TNA has to offer, and numero uno is AJ Styles, whose name gets a BIG chant from the crowd. Face turn nearly successful. Numbers two and three are Rhino and Christian Cage. Joe hypes number four as a world champion everywhere he's been and one of the greatest competitors ever, as Big Kev has a kiss-ass look on his face. Naturally, Joe then goes on to pick The T, and Kev is shocked, shocked, asking Joe why he didn't choose his mentor. *sniff, sniff* hmmm, heel turn fast approaching? Nash says he has a problem when someone doesn't do what they're told, as then the machine breaks down. Nash says he won't allow that... and then walks off. Wow, that was decisive. A little disappointing that Joe's choices were so prosaic, but the main men from the top of the card are in the mix which I suppose is as it should be for a world title match.

To the back... and we have another Frank Trigg sighting, walking and smiling with Angle and JB as they.. all... head... to... the... toilet... to have a group piss? Gaaaay. Trigg is starting to get annoyed with JB. Touchy!

To the back (again) as Lauren is with Black Machismo, Val and Sonjay, who are apparently auditioning the Rock n' Rave Infection as their wedding bad. Euuugh. Horrible. Machismo is incensed that they're miming to a backing track, and Sonjay claims to be friends with one of the American Idol finalists. Another of TNA's special "everyone shouts over each other" segments, but at least something actually happens at the end as Hoyt decks Lethal.

More disturbing footage of Abyss in his backstage tent... sorry, asylum. He claims he'll never be better, and then decides it's time to go home. I'm not really sure that's the way mental hospitals work, but hey, whatever.

To the back (again, sigh) with Robert Roode, who teases a friendly smile for Lauren before declaring that the TNA powers-that-be have realized they can't hold him down any longer. Wasn't there talk of Roode breaking through the glass ceiling six months ago? Roode wants to beat Morgan because this may be his only chance of getting a shot at the title (self-belief will get you far in this business, kid), and debuts a new catchphrase to go with "it pays to be Roode" - "you can bank on it!" Pun-tastic.

Robert Roode vs. Matt Morgan

A good choice for a qualifier this, as both Morgan and Roode deserve to be elevated out of the upper-midcard and this means there'll be at least one new wrestler challenging for the title. Roode gets in Morgan's face, but he is too gigantic. Tenay announces the second qualifying match for later tonight, AJ Styles vs. The T, as Roode and Morgan have a generic slugfest. Morgan bounces Roode off the ropes and gets a big one-arm backdrop followed by a big kick, but then crotches himself on the turnbuckle as Roode starts attacking the legs, bending Morgan's knee across the ropes. Morgan manages to grab a goozle from on his knees, but Roode powers out and keeps Morgan down for a few seconds, but he soon gets to his feet and delivers the old no-sell. Raargh! Headbutt and a clothesline, and by golly it's as if Roode never even touched his legs. Roode sells like an absolute trooper for Morgan's offence, getting choked out in the corner. Hebner gets in Morgan's face, and actually looks like he grabs him by the ear (hahaha), so Morgan loses his rag and dumps Hebner on his ass. Roode sneaks back in with the rollup and gets his feet on the ropes for three. To say the match itself was disappointing would be an understatement, but the result was the right call as Roode has been hovering on the periphery of the main event scene for what feels like an eternity. If he can step up his game this could be a great opportunity for him to shine.

Meanwhile in Memphis, Eric Young is still looking for Elvis, but succeeds only in finding some random guy called Kenny, who tries to explain that Elvis is dead. If anyone can explain why Eric's t-shirt says "The Buggers" I'd much appreciate it, as I think there may be a bit of US/UK slang translation there that makes an unintentional joke for us Brits. I'm calling it now by the way - Eric looks for The King but finds Jerry Lawler instead. No?

Another rerun of the "As the Angles Turn" video package from last week. "Can their future survive their past?" By god, that is absolutely horrendous. Words cannot describe how insipid and poorly-executed that video was. And if they could, they wouldn't want to.

Kurt Angle heads to the ring and calls out Karen, who seems to have her own theme music and entrance video now. It's not very good.

Don West: "Kurt's just happy he's going to get his laundry done and his lawn mowed."

Damn straight, Don. The crowd chants "Karen Styles" for a few seconds, but gets bored pretty damn quickly. Kurt wants Karen to put their troubles behind her, but she's having none of it. Kurt namedrops Dr. Phil [who, if I may digress, is a spectacularly huge tosser] as Karen threatens the "D-word" (domestic abuse? Oh, right, divorce). Kurt wants to know if Karen is seeing AJ, which prompts another big "AJ" chant from the crowd, and gets to his knees to beg for a second chance, but Karen just leaves the ring, leaving Kurt looking like just another Springer guest-stroke-loser. You know, the eventual Kurt/AJ feud is going to be good, but let's have less of this domestic crap and just cut to the chase.

To the back... where JB tries to dissuade Saeed and Kong from wrestling random fans. I agree. Saeed has some legal waivers for the crowd to sign and Kong "persuades" JB to go along with the idea. You know, by roughing him up a little.

A video package for Petey Williams and Scott Steiner, which I believe refers to Steiner as a "scholar" at one point. That man is many things, but I don't believe a scholar is one of them. The recap of Petey having electrodes jacked to his nipples has some absolutely hilarious low-budget electricity sound effects overdubbed. Apparently though, a new enemy has emerged from the bowels of the Terrordome, which is a rather ostentatious way of saying that Kaz is the new no. 1 contender for the X-Division title. Also: "The K-A-Z" is surely the least imaginative nickname ever conceived. Ah well, minor criticisms aside, this is a smart way to keep Petey out of the picture while his broken face heals, while simultaneously hyping what should by all rights be an important title match at Slammiversary.

To the back (for the sixth time in under an hour of programming by my count) where Lauren tries to convince AJ that Kurt and Tomko are out to get him. AJ defends himself by saying he only teamed with Super Eric twice, but Tomko turns up and tells him that twice is twice too many, and blames AJ for losing the tag straps. AJ mans the hell up and tells Tomko where to stick it, and I believe these two are officially done.

Part two of the "Interview with the Icon", and Sting discusses Jeff Jarrett and the fact that he hasn't been around for a while, and reminisces about Jeff as a child in Jerry's home. Sting drops Hellwig's name again, and I really don't want to see Warrior in a TNA ring. It's been said before, and it needs to be said again, Warrior won't do jack for TNA compared to what he'll get in return. He needs to stick to making amusing YouTube videos with Rob Van Dam.

JB is in the ring with the King of the Mountain setup and explains the rules, and I'm not sure how, but he makes the match sound infinitely more complex than Dramatic Voiceover Guy did. JB thinks we're going to get the next qualifier underway, but KONG has other ideas and takes to the ring. Saeed has a briefcase full of dollar bills and wants JB to make the Kong Open Invitational Challenge a formal affair. So who's going to get the chance to debut here? Plenty of genuine fans seem to want a piece, but JB conveniently ignores them until he spots a young lady named Melissa (who I hear is one of the students at 3D's training school), who seems to fancy the challenge, albeit reluctantly. After the break, Kong kills bitches! Hopefully.

Awesome Kong vs. Melissa the Random Chick

So, the match gets underway and Kong takes Melissa by the hair and just powers her around the ring. "Kong's gonna kill you" chants from the crowd. Kong continues smacking Melissa around and nails the Awesome Bomb for the win. Man, she folded up like an accordion right there. Presumably, these open challenges continue until we get a proper debut - Sara Stock, maybe?

To the back and Lauren is with Team 3D, who threaten AJ and introduce INTENSE Booker to the camera. I notice Ray is continuing his amusing line of "homey" music t-shirts with a Black Label Society tee. The T looks around the locker room and claims to be heir to the throne, wondering why it's all so crappy. Amusing moment as he picks up Ray's flannel shirt and wonders who left their trash lying around. The T knocks over a locker and leaves. Mmmm, tetchy. Will AJ get buried as convincingly in the ring as he was backstage the other week? Place bets now!

Booker T vs. AJ Styles

Betting... ends!

AJ tosses his Prince of Phenomenal crown into the crowd, which hopefully signifies the end of that particular goofy nickname. The bell sounds and The T intimidates AJ with some monkey arms before they lock up. Tenay drops Ric Flair's name in reference to the continuing interview with Sting. The T takes AJ to the corner with kicks and strikes, but AJ ducks a hook kick and goes to work on The T's face. Whip to the corner and AJ nails a big running forearm, but misses a second dive and eats a boot to the face. The T hits a fast bodyslam and pummels AJ's head with the closed fist, before wrenching back with a powerful powerful chinlock. Rest holds ahoy! AJ elbows his way out but runs straight into another spin kick off the ropes. The T locks in an armbar variant, which I suppose is a good way to ground a high-flying opponent but shouldn't be used quite so much in a ten-minute TV main event that's inevitably going to end in shenanigans. More strikes to AJ and The T bounces off the ropes, but AJ works in his beautiful leapfrog dropkick and The T heads outside. AJ to the apron as The T slides back in and nails a springboard forearm. Tomko heads out to the ring as AJ sets up for the Styles Clash, but The T backdrops AJ onto the apron. AJ tries for another springboard maneuver, but the dastardly Tomko grabs his feet and trips him to the mat. Shenanigans I tell thee!. The T hits the Bookend, and that's all. Briefly entertaining and we all knew T was heading through to the Slammiversary main event, but given a bit more time this could have gone from "alright" to "rather good".

Tomko heads into the ring to talk some smack with AJ, and after a bizarrely scheduled commercial break they start a-brawling. Team 3D hits the ring and AJ fights them off, as well as a returning Booker, but four-on-one (the numbers game! © Don West) is too much when you've got a face turn to deal with. Tomko wraps a chain around his fist and decks AJ as The T threatens Earl Hebner. AJ eats a few more shots and a superkick from The T, and poor old AJ is bleeding quite nicely. It has to be said, Slick Johnson is making a rather poor attempt to break things up here. Karen Angle, of all people, heads out and the heels back off as she checks on AJ. Ray lays his hands on and gets a slap for his troubles, chasing her off as the heels renew their offence and Ray gets an elbow straight to AJ's ballsack. Tomko's fist is covered in blood, and that is sick. Kurt is out with a chair makes the save, but after getting rid of the heels he spots Karen embracing AJ and grabs her by the hair. AJ is a bloody mess, but Karen can't convince her husband of her good intentions, and he absolutely MURDERS Styles with a chairshot. Kurt yells at Karen some more as we fade out. You know, if there's one thing that TNA has shown they know how to do right, it's a good old-fashioned heel beatdown. Coming off the heels of the Christian / Nash assault from a little while back, while this wasn't quite as shocking as the massacre that led to Abyss' face turn last year it was still damn effective, and a great way to end the show.

In closing...

I'm still a little torn on this show, but overall I think it was pretty good. The negative, obviously, is the pitiful amount of in-ring action, which seems even worse after TNA teased us with two matches opening the show in quick succession. I think the figure works out somewhere around sixteen minutes, which for a wrestling program with 80-85 minutes of screen time is just a poor effort. We also had the threatening return of the whole "several minute-long segments all glued together" in the middle of the show, which rarely serves any purpose other than to cram people on the show when they don't necessarily need to be there.

However! What we lost to lackluster ring action was more than made up for some intelligent and even, dare I say it, entertaining storyline advancement. For as much as we do like to see actual wrestling on a wrestling program, it's worth bearing in mind that we're building to one of TNA's biggest pay-per-views, and that build was very close to being rock solid this week. The card is already taking shape, with three of the five participants for the main event confirmed (and, it's worth mentioning, heels currently outnumber Joe two to one so the flow could go either way). We also saw a smart promo for the Petey/Kaz X-title match, and the card also looks set to feature some combination of the Beautiful People against Roxxi and ODB, Machismo/Sonjay and Rock n' Rave, LAX and Team 3D, and the return of Chris Parks. I mean, Abyss. Of course, the jewel in the crown was the development of the Angle/AJ feud and AJ's final face turn, which comes as a relief. After weeks, even months, of threatening to drown out the story with goofy extraneous shit, TNA delivered with an awesome segment at the top of tonight's show that makes the situation look deadly serious for a change, as AJ sold the beatdown like a champ. Whether they pull the trigger on AJ/Angle for Slammiversary or introduce Tomko as a placeholder until Angle's neck heals (if it ever does), it's all looking gravy and if this continues, hopefully shoehorning a bit more in-ring product into the mix over the next few weeks, we could be looking at one of the best-established TNA cards in a long time.