The High-Impact Chronicle 5.29.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 05.30.2008

"AJ's Revenge" is hardly on the scale of Chuck Bronson's revenge in 'Death Wish'. In fact, it's almost the complete opposite. I make no apologies for the dated reference there.

Finally we see the end of those god-awful "As the Angles Turn" vignettes" and get an absolutely kick-ass opening montage of last week's beatdown on AJ. This, people, this is how you build a feud and cement a face turn. Hopefully we can get all the remaining goofiness ironed out of this angle and concentrate on what should be, at heart, a serious and compelling story.

"AJ's Revenge!"

You know what? I just hope AJ's revenge isn't as poorly executed as Abyss' on the Christian Coalition last year, which promised a months-long retribution angle but instead culminated in a weak First Blood match on free TV. We need a pay-off, people!

Anyway, tonight's show opens with Team 3D heading out to the ring, and I have to assume that Ray was dressed in his sleep by a blind man and he was too lazy to change. They're soon followed by Booker T, as Tenay and West sell his recent heel turn. The T is pimped out in a suit at least two sizes too large. Ray introduces them as the "people who do bad things to good people", which could be an interesting post-ironic name for a stable. Ray points to the ceiling and tells some people to lower "it" - "it" turns out to be a giant blown-up image of the new AJ Styles trading card, available from all good merchandise stores. Ray questions whether 3D and The T are really the "bad guys" (resounding cheer from the crowd there) and talks a bunch of smack about Styles, who is now apparently feuding with not only Kurt Angle but every other major heel in the company. The T calls himself Royal T, which annoys me stupendously that I didn't try and get that over as his nickname in this column instead of "The T". Dammit all. The T pisses and moans some more about having a smelly locker room, and promises to prove himself the best at King of the Mountain. I like where this is going; basically retreading the King Booker gimmick but with the emphasis on the attitude rather than the gimmick itself.

Devon calls out LAX and out they come. Hector grabs the mic and by golly he is unintentionally entertaining, promising a matchup between LAX and 3D at "The Slammee Verserry". But hang on just a minute, as here come Christian Cage and Rhino. Cage apologizes for the interruption and calls The T "Bob Marley" (RACIAL~!) and does some top-notch mockery, while also claiming that no one in TNA amounts to anything until they have been a world champion. Neatly done. Oh, which brings us nicely to Samoa Joe, and here he comes. This is starting to smell cluster-y. Joe wanders out through the crowd to proclaim his superiority to everyone, and you know he's actually starting to carry the aura of a champion about him, which has been missing thus far. Joe leads the faces to the ring as they run off the bad guys and stand tall, and AJ appears out of nowhere to chase them off with a chair. I'm glad he managed to recover so quickly. Wait, what?

To the back... and Karen is glad that AJ is alright. Well, duh.

To the back again... and Lauren is with Black Machismo and co., who have some doofus from American Idol with them. I already want to punch the guy for the shit-eating grin that rarely leaves his face. Machismo has the pre-wedding jitters as American Doofus promises a surprise for after the match. If he sings, I am turning off. They leave, and Lauren follows, but wait! KOOOOOOOOONG appears from nowhere with the interruption as Saeed warns people about stuff. Ooooer.

Rock N' Rave Infection vs. Black Machismo & Sonjay Dutt

Hoyt has some XXXXXL women's panties in his back pocket. Er? Ah, crap, Hermie Sadler is at the announce table and gets introduced as a TNA analyst, which is the biggest overstatement I've heard in years. The "twat" quotient in this segment is already too high.

Rave and Dutt start out and do a few fast reversals before Sonjay gets a big spinning headscissors. Tags out to Hoyt and Lethal; Hoyt presses Lethal and tosses him to the corner. Rave in but eats the hip toss/dropkick combo. Dutt back in, but he and Lethal miss a double team and while they argue Hoyt breaks it up, and hits a heeeeyooooge release German suplex on Dutt. I think NORAD must have picked Sonjay up on radar there. Rave tags in and the Infection get the air guitar double elbow before pounding on Sonjay in the corner. Hoyt takes him down and gets the head squeeze, but Sonjay powers up, and reverses a chokeslam into a rana (niiice) to tag Lethal in. Machismo takes Rave down with clotheslines and a springboard dropkick, but goes to the ropes and gets tripped by Christy. Rave grabs Lethal and Hoyt goes to the ropes, but American Doofus grabs his leg and Machismo rolls up Rave for the win. Aside from that wonderful suplex, this was entirely forgettable.

After the match, Lethal has a question for Sonjay - of course, they tease a reveal of Sonjay's feelings for Val, but Machismo is in fact referring to Sonjay being his best man. American Doofus reveals his surprise, which is some sort of weird music video for his new single featuring Lethal and Val romping in a hotel room and a few clips of Lethal in action. Ring action, not bedroom action. And yes, TNA airs about TWO WHOLE MINUTES of the video. Seriously, what the fuck? Absolutely awful. I hate this.

To the back... and Lauren is with the Beautiful People. Angelina calls Lauren a blond bimbo, which is pretty much the height of hypocrisy. They stick a paper bag over Lauren's head and she sells it like a punch in the kisser. Angelina threatens to do that to every other woman in the fed and accuses Roxxi of making her barf. These two ladies are developing some seriously heel-tastic characters, and I approve.

Angelina Love vs. Roxxi

Haha, Angelina has some more paper bags with her. Nice touch. Roxxi is one pissed-off lesbian goth, and takes it right to Angelina with some brawling. Roxxi chases after Velvet, but this gives Angelina some time to recover and hit her with a spear. Whip to the corner and Roxxi fights back, but eats a big boot to the chest. That gets a two count only, which causes Love to throw a tantrum ala old-school Christian. Nice nod to a fellow Canadian there. Roxxi regroups with a big fallaway slam off the ropes and the ladies struggle to their feet before Roxxi takes control with a big series of shots and a boot for a two count. Velvet goes to the apron and gets knocked off by Roxxi; Love tries to make the best of the distraction but Roxxi counters to a rollup for two. Voodoo Drop attempt countered with a knee, and Velvet sprays some hairspray in Roxxi's eyes, allowing Angelina to hit the flatliner for the win. Another forgettable contest really, but it's all about building the feud and these two could probably put on a decent match on PPV.

Post-match, the Beautiful People bust out the paper bag treatment and stomp a mudhole in Roxxi, which brings out ODB and Gail Kim, who's on crutches selling the knee injury from the other week. Great moment as ODB snatches one of Gail's crutches and storms the ring to clear house.

To the back... and JB is with Jim Cornette, who is berating him for apparently allowing Kong's open challenge last week. By gum but Jimmy's face is pretty red here. JB defends himself by showing a copy of what is apparently last week's ratings, proving that Kong murdering that random chick was the biggest draw of the show. Cornette has a change of heart and allows the challenges to continue. Beautiful moment of comic timing as Cornette says "let's keep this between us", and a beat later the two turn to look directly at the camera. Here comes The T and 3D, and Royal T is still bitching about having a smelly locker room. Cornette tells The T what we all wanted to and says he can dress in his car if he's that fussed. The T threatens to make Jim's office his own personal dressing room, which would probably be a bit embarrassing with all the cameras in there.

Still looking for Elvis... yes, it's Eric Young, who's in Sun Studios trying out some of the old recording booths and having a blast on the instruments. He promises to go to Graceland next week. Yes, that was it. I know.

Back in the Impact Zone and Cornette is in the ring selling the Slammiversary card, which now includes AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle and LAX vs. Team 3D for the tag titles. Shit, it's been said before, but I really hope Kurt lets his health take precedence for once. Anyway, Jimmy looks to leave, but wait! It's Kevin Nash. I really hope he isn't about to get added as any sort of special enforcer at KotM. Nash runs down the TNA security team and has a business proposition - he offers to remove 3D and the T from Cornette's office in return for... the chance to be the special enforcer at KotM. Uncanny. It's like I had a sixth sense right there. Sadly, Cornette agrees. Come on TNA, we've had two PPV main events in a row with clean finishes, let's make it a hat-trick shall we?

Another video postcard from Abyss, who thinks he is cured. You know, I remember people a while back complaining about letting Abyss talk for the reason that he has a goofy voice, but he does a pretty good menacing psycho impression for my money. He just needs better material. Depending on where they're going to take this angle, I think it would've been more of an impact just to have him return out of the blue one week.

It's time for another Awesome Kong Open Invitational $25,000 challenge! JB is out with Kong and Saeed, and he doesn't look a happy bunny. Are we going to see a debut this week, or is it going to be another putz lined up for a squash? I kind of hope it's the latter.

Awesome Kong vs. the Random Chick

I'm not sure why the indy workers they hire to play these "fans" are looking quite so scared to get in the ring, isn't this supposed to be a voluntary challenge? Anyway. Kong takes charge, although Random Chick does get a few weak-looking kicks in. Boots to the ribs, knee to the face, Awesome Bomb and that's it. That was another sick finish, that girl just crumpled. If this is going according to plan, then next week we should have someone who at least puts up a bit of a fight, but this is a good way of keeping the champ dominant while the rest of the women deal with their own storylines and feuds for a few weeks, and should also serve as a good introduction for the next new knockout.

To the back... where JB is trying to persuade 3D and The T to leave Cornette's office. There's a whiteboard in the back with "Booker's Office - No Poo-Putts Allowed" written on it; I don't know what that means but it makes me giggle. Nash turns up and asks nicely for them to leave. Devon doesn't think the odds are in his favor, but Nash pulls his friend Louie (aka a rather large baseball bat) from his back pocket and chases them off.

A video package for the James Storm / Rhino feud, which is interrupted as we go to the back and watch Rhino kicking seven shades of hell out of Storm, until Jackie levels him with a shovel and security break it up. See, Kevin, they're not that bad! Oh wait, there was only one guy, and he got decked by Storm. Maybe Nash had a point. They brawl out to the crowd during the break and spend some time beating each other up at ringside, until Rhino suplexes Storm on the ramp and chases Jackie off. Storm recovers with beer to the face and then the Plastic Water Bottle of Mild Peril to the head. Into the ring and we're officially underway. Storm starts out strong with... a rest hold. Good work. Rhino fights back with some hard shots and a big clothesline, but then eats an enziguri and neckbreaker for the two count. Jackie chokes Rhino on the ropes as, yes, we head to the second commercial break during one match. Incredible.

We're back and Rhino is in charge with a flying clothesline and a belly-to-belly to set up for the Gore, which misses and Storm knocks Rhino to the outside with the Last Call. Rhino is out cold as Storm and Jackie struggle to get him back in the ring, but he kicks out at two and a half. Storm signals for the superkick again... Rhino ducks and hits the GORE for the win. As Csonka says, James Storm sells the Gore like no other man and looks like he was turned inside out right there. A fun brawl and the first KotM qualifying match that's actually felt like it has built to Slammiversary rather than just being thrown out there. The match was hurt a little by the second commercial, and while Storm does deserve to be in the main event more than Rhino, with two heels already having qualified the odds did need to be evened up.

A video for Christian and Tomko's past history, which oddly enough plays up Christian's heel persona and doesn't really do much except remind us that both he and AJ were heels until recently. Counterproductive, n'est-ce pas?

To the back... and JB is watching Tomko work out. Tomko is an angry man and proclaims "It's Tomko Time!" Does this mean he'll be wearing parachute pants to the ring? Hilarious ending to the promo as Tomko states "you know what, Christian, you're just dead" and gives a glorious little gurn to the camera.

Don West sells the TNA tour of the UK. Amusingly, the tour dates are displayed over a backdrop of Big Ben and London, even though none of the dates are actually in the capital city. Very sophisticated.

Tomko vs. Christian Cage

Has Tomko been hitting the pies lately? Christian has a freshly remixed intro theme, which sounds a fair bit more menacing and seems slightly at odds with the video that just called him "a changed man". It'll be a grower, though. Oh and yes, this is the first real contest the two have had since their acrimonious split.

Tomko jumps Christian during his posing and yanks him off the turnbuckle, before choking him with his own jacket. Big boot of the ropes and a press slam attempt, which Christian reverses into a sunset flip attempt, but Tomko is too strong/fat. Christian goes to the second rope but eats a powerful boot from Tomko that knocks him silly to the outside.

Back from a commercial break and Tomko hits a powerslam for two, and goes for the chinlock of doom. Christian powers out but Tomko comes back with a fallaway slam for two. Christian tries to fire back with some boots, but Tomko just tosses him to the outside. Tomko is looking in control here. Back in the ring and Tomko hoists Cage up into a hanging suplex which gets two and a half. Tomko bullrushes Christian into the ropes and sets him onto the turnbuckle, but Christian reverses into a tornado DDT and both men are spent. I'm still not sure whether it's Tomko or Bob Roode who sells the best DDT in wrestling. Tomko off the ropes an Christian gets a drop toe hold onto the rope and poses. Reverse DDT takes him down and Christian heads up for the frog splash, which supposedly misses but Tomko is too slow/fat to get out of the way and gets hit on the back anyway. HUGE clothesline from Tomko nearly gets three, and they do a short finisher reversal sequence before Tomko hits the choke bomb for another near fall. He goes foe a ten punch in the corner, but Christian reverses into a powerbomb, and goes up top to hit the frog splash, which only gets two and a half. Tomko with the TKO but Cage kicks out! Big boot misses, Unprettier reversed, but Christian powers around and hits another Unprettier for the win. This one started out a bit slow and had a commercial way too early on, but developed into an enjoyable contest with a surprisingly squeaky-clean finish. These two seem to possess a fair bit of chemistry and if AJ isn't going to go for Tomko, I'd be happy to see a Christian/Tomko feud for a month or so to clear the air between them.

To the back... and JB is with Karen and AJ, who's wearing some swank shades. AJ has some big news, apparently, but wants to tell the world. But Kurt Angle's here! Oooooh nooo. Karen heads to the ring first, and yes, her entrance music still sucks. The length (or lack of it) of her skirt more than makes up for it, though. AJ heads out next... or does he? No, he's of course getting jumped by Angle in the back, and to reiterate Nash's earlier point Angle takes out a random security dude too. Kurt kicks AJ's ass, tosses him over a table and shakes his suit off before heading out to the ring. Very smooth. Kurt does not approve that his wife was expecting AJ and accuses her of ruining their marriage. I wonder how this aspect of the whole angle is going down with the conservatives in middle America; for as much as Kurt has been made out to be the bad guy, AJ and Karen did kinda fool around behind his back. But hey, more power to them, says this observer. Karen slaps the taste out of Kurt's mouth and as he gets aggressive, AJ storms out and pounds the living hell out of Kurt. Heeeeeere come the bad guys! The T, Team 3D and Tomko are out to play The Numbers Game (© Don West) on AJ's sorry ass. Kurt applies the ankle lock as Tomko delivers some stiff shots to AJ's head. Christian storms the ring and clears house, but once again That Numbers Game (© Don West) takes over. Kudos to The T, who is still wearing his pimp suit as he floors Christian with a superkick. Major heat from the crowd for this, and it looks like AJ is bleeding once again. Decapitation clothesline to AJ and an axe kick to Christian, and the Bad Guys stand tall.


In closing...

Although the build to Slammiversary (sorry, Hector, "The Slammee Verserry") wasn't quite as solid this week, it was still executed well. Some weak matches in the first half were compensated more than adequately by two enjoyable King of the Mountain qualifiers, which also gives that particular matchup the credence it was lacking last week when Morgan/Roode and AJ/The T went so short. The final few minutes kind of confused me, though. While last week's beatdown was right on the money, running such a similar segment the very next week has to make you wonder where this is going. AJ vs Kurt is fine, it's great and has great potential, as does AJ/Tomko or Tomko/Cage, so why introduce The T and 3D into the mix so prominently, when their respective beefs are supposedly with Samoa Joe and LAX? I guess we'll have to see where they take this, but a bit more focus would be nice. The final lineup for KotM is in place now, with Samoa Joe vs. Booker T vs. Robert Roode vs. Rhino vs. Christian Cage looking like a pleasingly diverse lineup that should deliver. Even if Kevin Nash does have to get involved.

Elsewhere, the women's stuff is still strong. Kong was born to kill bitches, and the Beautiful People are getting to be, for my money at least, the best women's heels in recent memory. Sadly though, how far the mighty have fallen, as the once-über-over Black Machismo is now stuck with American Doofus as his bachelor buddy. Let's just get the shenanigans out of the way so we can get the inevitable Sonjay turn, as the resulting feud should be decent. And why on earth do TNA apparently consider Hermie Sadler on the same level as Frank Trigg.

Oh, and it's one thing giving a wrestling programme weekly episode titles, but at least let them have some sort of meaning. Where was this "Revenge" we were all promised?!?!?! Ahem. Anyway, a decent show this week, with fewer redundant video packages and stronger in-ring action than last week, and I'm wondering whether I should start giving Impact some sort of weekly rating here in the Chronicle. Let me know what you think.