ECW Rant of AweXomeness 6.03.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 06.03.2008

Armando Estrada wrestles TWICE tonight, because he's no longer the General Manager of ECW! And guess what else - this episode doesn't totally suck!

So, WWE had a Pay-Per-View on Sunday, didn't they? The review I read by Overlord Larry (Overlarry?) made it sound like an okay show, actually - not too many surprises, except that Jeff Hardy is still being pushed before he inevitably gets caught again & fired... AND, Edge winning the World title. That's what I had wanted to happen, I just didn't think it ever would. Typical McMahon logic when someone is stripped of a title is to give that belt right BACK to them, thus negating all effects of the stripping. Couldn't Edge have won at Wrestlemania instead, though? Breaking the streak is a more important notch in his belt than having 'Taker "fired" for a while before he comes back and (inevitably) wins the belt again by NEXT WM.

Heyguesswhat, Ring of Honor ALSO had a PPV, this one on Friday! This'n I actually watched, making it the first PPV I'd seen in first broadcast since WM23. And lemme tell ya', it was far better than said 'Mania. Everything was cool/aweXome except for the Tag Title match between the We're Not Sorry Squad (Davey Richards & Rocky "Sugar in Spanish" Romero) and the Vulture Bunch (Ruckus & needlessly unmasked Jigsaw), which I used as my cigarette break before the BOSS main events. Ari's Column of Honor tells me it was actually a good match (also tells me he actually saw the Sex & the City movie, HAW!)... I've just never cared about either of those stables, and never supported the NRC having the Tag belts (which they don't even have anymore, anyway). Whatever, I'll buy the DVD. I gives Take No Prisoners an 8/10, which makes it the worst RoH-Per-View yet (but still amazing).

Time for the fallout from what USED to be ECW's Pay-Per-View, I suppose... I'll be okay, I've got snacks and a Colt 45.

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Backstage, someone told a bunch of dudes in Staff shirts to move Armando's stuff out of his GM office - 'cause Teddy Long's got his job now! I miss when Teddy was a ref, he'd always dance with the ho's.

This opening song is only getting better.

We're in the Staples Center, live in Los Angeles, ECWWEHD, Tazz n' Adamle are still there and it's...

Fatal 4-Way for an ECW title shot later tonight: CM PUNK (w/the briefcase he'll never use) vs. TOMMY DREAMER (w/ill-advised white pants) vs. "Ooh, Chavo" GUERRERO (w/poncho) vs. JOHN MORRISON. This is what they just did on the RoH PPV. Huh. I'd ask why all the guys who blew it at ONS are getting another shot, but the title's being defended on TV. That's good. Chavo and Punk lock up, Dreamer takes Nitro. They brawl around, Morrison snapmares & kicks Tommy but misses his weird spinny thing. Dreamer goes armdrag and elbow drop, Chavo gets thrown across Morrison then Dreamer & Punk start brawling. Punk knees in the corner while the others don't do anything interesting, Chavo gets schoolboyed by Punk for two. Morrison sorta messes whatever he was trying to do with Dreamer up, they go back to punching, Morrison gets clotheslined to the outside. Tommy dives off the apron with a clothesline, Chavo dives on him, then Punk dives on Chavo. That was sorta cool. Morrison beats up Chavo some, it's him n' Punk back in the ring. Punk gets the knee in the corner, doesn't get the bulldog & gets a springboard kick in the face. Dreamer gives Morrison a lame move during a replay, puts him in a Texas cloverleaf and then Chavo starts a'suplexin'. He goes up, Morrison stops him & climbs up top. Punk stops whatever was about to happen, ties Morrison AND Chavo up for Dreamer to dropkick John. Punk gets a springboard clothesline on Dreamer, Chavo gets the frog splash, Punk puts Guerrero to sleep and that's all, folks.
*** (Not bad at all.)
"The top of the beginning of this match," Mike?

Backstage, Teddy has an official looking paper to rove he's the General Manager. He thinks Armando is overpaid for what little he does, so he makes him wrestle Matt Hardy... for whatever reason. Shouldn't they give Raw a GM?

BREAK. That Scare Tactics commercial was terrifying... fat, bug-eyed dudes and Tracy Morgan? (shudder)

HEYTONIGHT, it's Kane vs. CM Punk for the ECW title. Kofi Kingston is at ringside to help commentate...

SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. MATT FUCKING SYDAL! Sydal's already in the ring, so he'll be losing. It's just a surprise. They say his name "Sydle," too. Benji flips the shit out of Sydle right out of the gate, chokes him against the ropes while we get a replay then Matt gets a weak schoolboy. Big kick, hurricanrana from Sydal and he gets a sweet-ass double-knees from the top rope. After a replay Benji is kicking & clubbering, presses Sydal up and drops him over the right knee then flings him into the corner. Man, they must expect everyone under 200 lbs. to bounce around like a maniac. Benjamin gets an armbar that Sydal punches out of only to be met with a clothesline & then thrown outside. Benji gets distracted by Kingston, then POWERBOMBS SYDAL ONTO KOFI. Sydal is counted out, and that was awesome.
***1/4 (What's up with this show tonight?)
Kofi is still Jamaican' Mike Adamle crazy, he and Benji brawl after the match and Kingston gets tossed into the stairs.

Up next, Matt Hardy gives Armando Estrada a shot at the U.S... wait, what? Oh, he's still not defending it? Well, THIS time it's for the best I suppose.

BREAK. This Zohan thing looks awful. No worse than the Love Guru, though. Why would studios still pay these men to make these kinds of "comedies?"

WWE United States Champion MATT HARDY (w/o Matt Facts, which I will always miss) vs. ARMANDO ESTRADA (w/o Alejandro). Estrada's chest is still frightening. Armando goes for a kick, it's blocked and immediately met with a clothesline. Estrada tries to punch, Matt punches back, bodyslam and it's the silly 2nd rope "guns-in-the-head" elbow. Twist of Fate, goodbye.
1/2* (Well, that was what it should've been I guess.)
Theodore Long comes out (to Rodney Mack's music, still) to make ANOTHER match for Armando, this time with Colin Delaney. He runs in, hits an Oklahoma roll and shockingly that's not all! Colin reverses a dragon sleeper lift into a roll-up, and THAT's all.
(I'm not rating this.)

BREAK. You know it's the Mack militant, comin' to get it on - uh, uh! That song's catchy.

Backstage, Estrada is being bitched out by Long for losing two straight matches. He's gonna make Armando fight for a contract from now on, and HEYLOOKIT'SRONSIMMONS, here to say "Damn." Armando, wisely, doesn't step to Ron.

Adamle & the Tazz throw it over to footage from McMahon's Money Press Conference. Man, did the money getting it's own entrance music piss you off as much as it did me? Adamle's on the website looking at Money Stuff, and the website's not crashed this time! Next, Punk/Kane.

BREAK. LEGO Indiana Jones? Really, LEGO? Do you even care anymore?

KANE vs. CM PUNK. Oh, so it's NON-title? Okay, that makes more sense. Big Show earned his shot and all. Bell rings, Punk tries for some kicks but Kane overpowers him. CM puts Kane in a headlock, gets thrown to the ropes and eats a shoulderblock. Punk grabs an armbar, Kane pulls him down by the hair and Tazz references See No Evil. Kane punches away in the corner, Punk mounts some strike-based offense and gets Kane to the outside. Dr. Yankem pulls him right out, punches Punk in the head and they're back in the ring. Punk to the corner, Kane hits away and it's a choke. Lazy. Neckbreaker choke lift, Punk flips over, falls on his ass and Kane keeps control into the commercial.

BREAK. Adamle kept calling him "CM" ...what if that stood for Chester McCheesington? Remember HIM? He's my favorite Wrestlemania-exclusive character.

Back from break, and Kane's choking Punk. Chris Masters Punk breaks it, it still goes nowhere 'cause Kane gets a hiptoss. Kane does his now-standard low dropkick, goes to the bodyscissors as Reverend Morgan tries to convince me the "M" in "CM Punk stands for "Mustard." Punk fights out, kicks a bunch, sunset flip and it's only two. Corn Mustard Punk? Right now Kane is fucking up the Corn... until he clotheslines him. Adamle calls it the "clothesline from Hell." HA! Can you TELL I'm trying to find other things to be interested in while watching this match? Bodyscissors again. Kane rolls it into a pin twice - first time for one, again for two. Kane goes to a key lock, CM Punk punches but AGAIN it goes nowhere because Kane smacks his leg across Punk's face. Punk gets up, kicks, elbows, ducks through Kane's leg and kicks s'more. Kane hits a big boot, Punk hits three knees in the corner before a bulldog attempt which is turned into a back suplex by Kane for two. Punk gets a diving bulldog from the 2nd rope for two, Kane hits the sideslam. He heads up top, lariat time, that gets two. Remember when that move was NEW to him? In '99? Chokeslam attempt, Punk kicks out. Punk tries the springboard clothesline, gets choked AGAIN, breaks again and goes for the G2S, but the chokeslam is inevitable and that'll be all.
**1/2 (The second half was far better than the first half, but it was still Kane doing a bunch of submission moves. Kinda dull. Not BAD though, I guess)
Miz and Morrison run in and beat on Kane after the bell. Miz hits his neckbreaker, which is supposed to be a finisher I guess, and that's the show.

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ADDITIONAL LINKAGE!

Here's the 44th reason (and counting!) that I do what I do the way I do it... because there's always a section of fans waiting for wrestling to fuck up, so we can make fun of it.

Anyone want to see me and my big, Mexican comment-leaver JdL beat eachother up in Harlem? NO?!? Well, tough. Here it is. I used to have my own backyard fed, y'know.

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Y'know what? This was the best episode of ECW I've reviewed for this site yet. The first half-hour of the show was actually pretty good, and the second half-hour wasn't anything awful. Colin won his second match, they furthered what must be a feud between the WWETTC's and the Punk/Kane combo that makes no sense... this Tuesday you get one begrudging Elmo thumb up. See ya' later, y'all.