The High-Impact Chronicle 6.05.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 06.06.2008

Now THIS is the episode that should have been called "AJ's Revenge".

It's the go-home show for Slammiversary, and while the matches we already have scheduled are looking to be strongly built, they're pretty thin on the ground - Cornette only hyped three matches when he was selling the card on last week's broadcast. Hopefully we'll get some added matchups tonight, presumably in the shape of a Beautiful People / ODB & Roxxi face-off and something to do with Abyss Chris Parks. Failing that, let's hope TNA don't succumb to the tendency of squashing everyone onto the card at the last minute, as that practice weakened Lockdown and damaged Sacrifice. What's wrong with the odd X-Division singles match scattered around the card?

No wacky title to begin Impact this week. Consistency, people! Nevermind, we're heading straight into a King of the Mountain preview match.

Booker T & Robert Roode vs. Rhino & Christian Cage

Very curious choice to open the show with what would typically be a TV main event. And, as I correctly predicted last week, Cage's new theme is indeed a grower. Yay me! Roode and Rhino start out, and Roode quickly finds himself on the wrong end of a clothesline. Rhino tags in Christian, who's shot off the ropes but slides through Bobby's legs and hits a dropkick. Roode tags out to The T, who whips Cage to the corner but eats a top rope spinning elbow. Cage kicks all sorts of ass but gets floored by the boot of T after knocking Roode to the floor. Tag back in to Roode...

Voice of reason: "Hold on a minute, weren't Robert Roode and The T embroiled in a bitter feud only just recently, in fact, right before T's heel turn? Why is Booker apparently quite comfortable teaming with a man who hospitalized his wife?"

... who pokes the eye and tags back in T for a big double suplex. Cage struggles to his feet but gets taken down by a spin kick for two. Roode back in again, Cage goes up top for a tornado DDT but Bobby holds the ropes and throws Cage to the mat. Roode misses a Northern Lariat and Cage hits the inverted DDT out of nowhere. Both men down and their partners reach for the tag...

Voice of reason: "That's five tags in the space of a few minutes between Roode and T, and nary a hint of dissent, let alone the mutual hatred that was burning between these two when Roode broke Sharmell's jaw and spent many weeks mocking the two of them...?"

... Rhino in with a shoulder block, takes T to the ropes, T fights back but eats a spinebuster. Roode makes the save from the pinfall and heads out to the apron. Christian heads out too and hits Roode with the pivot kick, then leaps to the outside and lands on Roode's face. Back inside, The T tries for an axe kick but Rhino dodges and hits the Gore. Rhino goes for the cover, but here come 3D to earn the DQ. This could have gone on to be a decent match, but for the short time it was given it was pretty forgettable.

3D continue to beat on Rhino and Christian as Ray calls for the tables. Roode subdues Rhino outside as Ray sets a table in the corner... but heeeeeeere's AJ to fight off 3D. Double clothesline takes them down and the faces clear house. AJ on the mic, and tells Christian they aren't even close to even, but hopes they can be on the same page. AJ has a message for Kurt: he's gonna beat the piss out of him at Slammiversary, and take out his "butt-buddy" (LOLZ!) Tomko in a match later on. Jimmy Cornette is out here and gives the heels a stern dressing-down for being such naughty boys every week, and tells Styles he won't have to worry about being gangraped jumped, as he's making Kevin Nash the special enforcer for the AJ/Tomko match.

Voice of reason: "Why are Booker and Roode on the same team? Is it just because they're heels? They've no reason to be affiliated with each other, and every reason to hate each other!"

I'm starting to lose track of who's feuding with who, here. If the card for Slammiversary is to be believed, it should be The T vs. Samoa Joe and 3D vs. LAX, and yet for the past few weeks the heels have just been sticking their noses in everyone's business. Don't get me wrong, it's doing a reasonable job of cementing T's heel turn by associating him with some known bad guys and having them evil it up every week, but there's a dangerous risk of losing focus if they're going to play it that way. At least AJ had the sense to bring it back down to his feud with Kurt while also maintaining continuity with Christian and Rhino.

Voice of reason: "Hello? Anyone care to answer about Roode and T? No?"

Earlier that day JB is with Joe, training in the arena. Joe labels himself a bastard and says the issue of trust between himself and Nash is a moo point. You know, it's like a cow's opinion - it means nothing. It's moo. I'm starting to get the feeling that the expected swerve with Nash at KotM is that there won't be any swerve, and the heel turn gets delayed. Which would be a good thing in my book.

To the back and Lauren is with the Beautiful People, and claims she doesn't get paid enough to interview them every week. You go girl! Snap! Etcetera! Velvet calls Lauren "Leatherface", but in that dress, I really do have to disagree. Velvet makes Lauren hold a blowup of their Trading Card in front of her face and delivers the usual bitchy promo. She's definitely improving on the stick. Velvet is in a street fight with "One Dirty Butch" and invites her friends Kim Chee and Nubhead to the ring. These girls are starting to be the absolute highlight of the show. The girls work off, but here comes KOOOONG, and Saeed delivers another challenge for later in the show.

Street Fight: Velvet Sky vs. ODB

While the street fight is definitely the right gimmick to go with to further these girls' feud, some might say it should be held off until the pay-per-view - I respectfully disagree, as if they're keeping it to just a singles match, we still have the eventual tag team blow-off to come.

ODB goes straight for Velvet's face to begin and the Beautiful Person takes off to the outside. Angelina gets tossed onto the ramp, then ODB flings Velvet into the crowd and takes her over to the gimmicked wall. This isn't pretty. Well, in one sense it is, but you know what I mean. ODB sups from some schlub's plastic beaker, and they continue to brawl right through the crowd and back onto the ramp on the other side. ODB grasps the hardcore spirit of the street fight by nabbing someone's paper sign from the crowd, folding it in half and hitting Velvet in the leg. Yes, she used a piece of paper as an offensive weapon. Stunning. Angelina gets involved again and lays the boots to ODB . Back in the ring and Velvet gets a two count, before locking in the octopus submission - it doesn't take long for ODB to power out and hit a fallaway slam. Angelina's on the apron, but Velvet gets dropkicked into her and eats a running powerslam from ODB for the win.

It doesn't take long for Angelina to sneak in and lay out ODB with the flatliner, but here comes Roxxi to prevent the paper bag spot. Gail Kim's here, with her knee magically repaired from last week albeit still taped up. The faces take charge, but out runs the Beautiful People's hired muscle, Mickie Knuckles, who looks pretty fugly on first glance but I think it was just the camera angle. Big T-bone suplex to Roxxi and a double-arm DDT for Gail, and Gail gets the paper bag treatment. Disappointing that the ladies didn't utilize the street fight concept a little more, and in fact they could have gotten away with just having this as a regular singles match with the crowd part before the bell. However, once again it's the post-match angle that was the focus, as the Beautiful People get some well deserved brawn to complement their beauty, and the babyface advantage is finally negated. Which, y'know, is a good thing.

To the back... and it's Jay Lethal's bachelor party! Huzzah. American Doofus is back, and is doing some karaoke with Curry Man. JB introduces Lethal, who's looking for Lanny Poffo. Sonjay apparently has a big announcement for Jay this Sunday. Storm is here and is pretty wasted. BG James offers some marital advice, before Shark Boy takes the stage to get the party started. For all that that, on the surface, appeared to be a waste of time, if you take it in the context of the marriage angle it was actually reasonably effective.

Walking in Memphis with Eric Young at Graceland. He looks around Graceland, and has been wearing the same t-shirt for three weeks, the smelly git. The segment is almost saved when Eric makes a crack about Ferraris living in the wild.

To Tenay's interview set where we have part three of Sting's big interview. The Stinger discusses Ric Flair, and puts over his retirement ceremonies. Sting is also thinking about going out in a big way.

It's just a minor thing, but the video package TNA uses to hype its house shows is actually really good, managing to make the shows look like a genuinely exciting prospect.

A video with the KotM participants discussing their upcoming contest at Slammiversary. Ah, fuck that, Curry Man is here! And, this is completely bizarre - we're having a mini-King of the Mountain match comprised of X-Division participants, with the winner to receive a title shot on next week's Impact. I'm in two minds about this - does exhibiting the KotM match on free TV dilute its appeal, or does it increase the excitement among the viewers about what could happen on Sunday? Let's find out.

King of the Mountain: Curry Man vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Chris Sabin vs. Johnny Devine vs. Kaz

Why is Kaz fighting for a title shot next Thursday when he has one on Sunday? What if he wins both matches, will he then have to fight himself next week? They brawl to start with, and Curry and Sabin hit running hip attacks on Rave. Sabin rolls up Curry for two. Devine misses the lungbuster on Kaz, but Kaz dodges and kicks him in the face before slingshotting him out over the top. Kaz and Rave on the apron, Rave hits that nasty STO right on the steel. Sabin with a suicide dive onto Rave. Devine up to the top of the penalty box... moonsault onto Kaz and Sabin!

Back from commercial (whhhhhyyyy have a commercial break in this sort of spotfest?) and Rave jams a ladder into Kaz's face. During the break, Rave managed to pin Curry Man with the Move that Rocks the World. Rave sets up the ladder, but can't find the X to hang. The ref gives it to him and he heads up, but Sabin springboards in and dropkicks the ladder away. Funky-looking rollup to Rave gets three and Sabin winks to camera. Sabin up the ladder, but Kaz just throws another ladder into his knees and knocks it over. Sabin recovers and hits Kaz with the X, and they set up the two ladders next to each other and climb. Kaz knocks the X out of the ring and they're back down to the mat. Sabin gets a kick to the stomach, but Kaz hits the Wave of the Future into the ladder! Curry Man monkey flips Kaz right onto the sideways-lying ladder! That had to suck. Devine is in and hits a DDT on Curry Man, then tosses Kaz outside. Devine lays a ladder onto the ropes and hits Curry Man with a snap suplex right onto it, but Curry Man escapes the near fall. Sabin rushes Devine into the corner with the ladder, hangs him in the tree of woe and puts the ladder right by his face... hesitation dropkick! This is surprisingly action-packed for a TV match, so much so in fact that we have to take another break.

Back to the action as Devine, Curry Man and Rave hit a tower of doom from the corner, with Rave getting the worst of it. Sabin and Kaz are on top of the penalty box duking it out and teasing falls. Sabin tries for the Cradleshock! Kaz fights off and tries for the Flux Capacitor... Sabin fights it off and hits a big crossbody onto Curry Man in the ring. Devine aims for Kaz with the ladder, but Kaz kicks it straight into his face. Kaz sets the ladder up on the top turnbuckle and rides it down from the penalty box onto Jimmy Rave! My god. That gets three, but before he can capitalize Devine rolls him up for three. Devine clears the ring and goes upstairs with the X, but has to stop to fend off Sabin, lying him between the bottom two rungs and climbing again. Curry Man follows and pulls him off onto his shoulders... Spice Rack for the three count, and everyone is now eligible to win. Curry Man bounces Sabin off the top rope with a suplex and for some reason feels the need to set up a different ladder. Kaz is desperate to get out of the penalty box and manages to escape just in time to prevent Curry Man hanging the X, then manages to retrieve the X and hang it for the win.

Tenay explains what I might have missed earlier, which is that this match was for a heavyweight title shot, not an X title shot. In hindsight, that made the outcome rather predictable, but that's a minor criticism. This was, frankly, awesome. Ten minutes of TV time outside of the additional commercials, a satisfying showcase for the X-Division, another big win for a man TNA are trying to groom as a future superstar, and putting the KotM match over as a match filled with both big spots and genuine tension. This is going to make, what, the fourth world title shot for Kaz? Two close calls with Kurt Angle and a solid outing against Joe and Steiner; why the guy still has a foothold in the midcard is beyond me. Maybe it was that godawful feud with Black Reign, who incidentally hasn't been on our screens in a while. Ssssh, don't jinx it!

Kong heads to the ring with Saeed and JB, and we get some lovely clips of Kong killing bitches from the past two weeks. Who's it going to be this week? There're a few likely plants, all of whom get highlighted by the camera. Yeah, subtle. We get three potential challengers - Amber O'Neil, Rebecca Bayless and Daffney! Obviously the word is getting out about Kong's challenge. Fantastic work there, JB even has a bit of banter with Daffney. It's going to be...

Awesome Kong vs. Daffney

Poor girl. Or... is she! Well, yes, as Kong tosses her around by the hair. Daffney gets in a few shots, but then gets absolutely mauled by Kong, lifted up on the shoulders and twisted in half. Ouch. To the outside, Kong grabs her by the legs and fucking canes her into the guardrail. Recipe for a broken neck right there, that was brutal. Back inside and there are actually a few chants for Daffney, which are cut off by a huge Awesome Bomb for the win. O'Neal and Bayless look terrified as Kong stands tall and Daffney is, perhaps, dead. The Kong Open Challenge has been absolute gold so far, long may it continue. Once again the Knockouts reign supreme.

It's once again time for video fun with Chris Abyss, who is singing about pain. No, literally. He's out in three days. Well, if nothing else, the lighting in these segments has been pretty well done.

To the back... where Lauren is with Nash and Louie. Nash's hair is slicked back and he looks distressingly like Michael McConnell. Before he can talk, in storms Joe demanding some answers. Nash claims to have been nothing but a bum-chum to Joe and tells him to shit or get off the pot. Nash offers Joe a free shot with the baseball bat, but of course, Joe declines.

To the back again to Lethal's bachelor party. Sonjay has telegrams from Koko B. Ware, George Steele, and Kamala. What, no Snake Roberts? Sonjay introduces the stripper for the part... it's Kip James! Bwahahahahaha. He's wearing hot pants and Sonjay slaps his ass as ol' Shark Boy heaves into a plant pot. Dear, dear me.

Lance Hoyt, Kip James & 'Cowboy' James Storm vs. Matt Morgan & LAX

Hoyt still has those giant purple panties with him. I hope they belong to Kong.

Mike Tenay: "Is there a more disturbing sight than Sonjay Dutt slipping dollar bills to a stripping Kip James?"

No, Mike. No there is not.

Storm and Homicide to start, they do some reversals and 'Cide hits a belly-to-belly followed by the rolling suplexes as Tenay announces Angelina, Velvet and Knuckles vs. ODB, Roxxi and Gail for Slammiversary. Hernandez in but Kip James suckers punches him so SuperMex (ahem) chases him off. 'Cide back in, distracted by Jackie on the outside and Storm pushes him out. Jackie lays it into him as Salinas tries to break it up, but Jackie just dumps her on her ass. Back inside, Storm hits an enziguri followed by the backstabber on Homicide for two. Storm sets 'Cide up on the ropes but he fights off and they do a carbon copy of the tornado DDT spot from tonight's first match. Yeah, nice work fellas. Storm destroys 'Cide with a modified Air Raid Crash and tags in Hoyt, who scores a near fall and then hits a big fallaway slam. Kip in with knees to the back and a chinlock, which as we all know is by far the best way to press a six-inch height advantage. Storm back in, whips 'Cide off the ropes and they hit a double clothesline. Both men make it to the corner and here comes Morgan, who sprints across the ring and nails Hoyt off the apron with a massive bicycle kick, before dishing out a smattering of clotheslines and headbutts for Kip and Storm. Sideslam on Storm and Morgan pays his respects to the recently-deceased (figuratively) Undertaker by going Old School on Kip. Hoyt cuts off his celebrations by flying in with a moonsault, but Hernandez is having none if it and flattens Hoyt with a spinebuster, then tosses Storm across the ring with his shirt. LAX hit a big double team tope/plancha to the outside on Hoyt and Storm. Morgan hits a sloppy TKO on Kip for the win.

A decent in-ring encounter, but as far as we can tell it furthers absolutely nothing to do with the PPV that's happening in three days' time, unless we have another Morgan/James encounter, which the world just doesn't need to see. This is the tricky balance between devoting time to building the PPV and getting some solid ring action in. The faces looked strong here, but I'm disappointed to see Storm lumped in with a team of jobbers.

To the back... and JB is with Petey Williams and his mentor. Scott Steiner buries Kaz and the whole Terrordome match from last month before walking off, and JB tells Petey they're out of time before he can finish his promo. If this had been anyone other than Steiner this brief segment would have been a complete shambles, but we all know Steiner doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone or anything anyway. As it was, just a minor shambles. Why is the X-Division champion being deliberately cut off in the middle of an interview?

We've got some funky "live satellite" debate between Kurt and Karen Angle. Blaaaaah. Karen just wants to be loved as much as Kurt loves himself, but Kurt doesn't get it. He pushes the adultery thing again; Tenay questions Kurt's evidence, but Kurt gets angry and tells everyone to shut their respective mouths. To the back where AJ has been watching that brief to-and-fro. JB accuses AJ of cheating, but AJ is NOT happy with that and goes off on one about Kurt. AJ is absolutely on fire here, and that is exactly what we need.

To the bachelor party and American Doofus has the mic, introducing a cake with Christy Hemme inside. Yummy! Rock n' Rave try to crash the stage but get booed off. ODB wheels in a giant present which Sonjay opens... it's a giant snake! Yes, Jake Roberts will be attending. Lethal runs off scared, ahaha. Those last few seconds were vaguely amusing.

Tomko vs. AJ Styles w/ special guest enforcer Kevin Nash

AJ has apparently kept his heel chest hair. AJ starts the match with a no-hands somersault over the top to Tomko on the outside! Shades of the Styles of old there. AJ beats Tomko around the ringside area and tosses him in, fights out of a powerslam and just pounds Tomko to the ground. Big chants for AJ here. AJ slingshots Tomko's neck into the bottom rope and takes his knee right to the face. Tomko shoves him off but AJ is right back in there rocking Tomko with shots. Tomko finally gets some offence in by backdropping AJ to the outside as we head to commercial.

We're back as AJ eats a big boot but then manages to hit the fancypants dropkick. Clips from the break as Tomko worked AJ's arm over. AJ takes Tomko down with some forearm shots and sets up for the Styles Clash, but gets distracted by Bobby Roode heading down to ringside. Nash takes care of business but AJ eats a tree bomb for the near fall. The T tries to interfere but Nash keeps him out of there; meanwhile inside AJ hits a tornado DDT and the PELE (w/ slo-mo replay). Frog splash to Tomko gets the win.

Christ, that was almost a squash match, AJ looked like a genuine champion there, although I'd still like to see a full-length PPV blow-off between these two. Goofy AJ is officially a thing of the past, and thanks to his extended characterization, I think it's fair to say that fans will have more stake in AJ as a face contender than they would have done before. However, before I have the time to analyze further, The T rushes the ring with a chair and takes them down. Christian, Rhino, Roode, Team 3D and LAX all run down and we have a big-old clusterfuck. Here's Joe, who empties the ring of the heels and concentrates on the T. Nash with the chair, but The T dodges and Nash nails Joe! Everyone else has gone backstage as Joe confronts Nash to end the show. We get a nice hype video for Slammiversary to close us out.


In closing...

A slightly imbalanced Impact this week, but there was a heck of a lot happening. Aside from the rather unfocused opening match and segment (I'll question again and again why in the blue hell Roode and The T are on the same page all of a sudden) and the lackluster implementation of the street fight gimmick for the ladies, we got six full matches (surely some sort of record), all of which were at least average, with the X-Division showcase being one of the most entertaining matches to be seen on Impact this year so far. Of course, there were the usual daft segments that are bound to draw some ire (I imagine Kip James in hotpants will likely be one), but the fact is that TNA has of late been doing pretty well at keeping the goofy segments down to a limited running time - the stuff from Abyss, Lethal and Young tonight really wasn't offensive, just mediocre, and the rest of the show was well concentrated. We may have to wait until after Slammiversary to judge the effect that tonight's mini-KotM had on the aura of that particular match, but personally, I took it for what it was and the main event itself is likely to be sufficiently different that it won't bear comparison.

So, let's take a look at the Slammiversary card:

• Jay Lethal and SoCal Val get married
  
• The Kong Open Invitational Challenge continues
  
• ODB, Gail Kim & Roxxi vs. The Beautiful People & Mickie Knuckles
  
• AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle
  
• TNA X-Division title match: Petey Williams vs. Kaz
  
• TNA Tag Team title match: LAX vs. Team 3D
  
• TNA World title King of the Mountain match: Samoa Joe vs. Robert Roode vs. Christian Cage vs. Booker T vs. Rhino

It's undeniably pleasing to see that, outside of the wacky wedding shenanigans, this is a solid card based solely on in-ring action - with the exception of the KotM, everything here is gimmick-free and hopefully the event will do well because of it. King of the Mountain doesn't quite count as an out-and-out gimmick match, as it's much in the class of the Royal Rumble, an annual signature match. And, with the exception of the absence of any real 3D/LAX conflict in the last two weeks, everything here has received a fair amount of build, which has got to be a plus. My only real worries (if you don't count my wish to see at least one spot-monkey in the main event) are for Angle's health, which hopefully won't derail what is for many the most anticipated match on the card, and that too much time isn't devoted to the wedding when there are only six/seven proper matches to go round.

Oh, and I thought it probably wasn't wise to debut any sort of rating system for Impact or anything like that with only a few days until the next pay-per-view. What I have will be coming into play next week as we set out on towards Victory Road. Till then!