ECW Rant of AweXomeness 6.17.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 06.17.2008

Hard sell for Night of Champions, a.k.a. the Chris Benoit Memorial Show. Matt Sydal is still called Evan Bourne, CM Punk still hasn't used his briefcase, and the matches are still more satisfying than Mondays and Fridays even though they're squashes!

ECWWEHD, Tazz and Adamle still suck alongside the opening theme, Reverend Moe Esch and Johann du Uber are making fun of the show alongside me and we've got...

HORNSWAGGLE (w/replays from last week's bullshit) vs. ARMANDO (w/o Alejandro) ESTRADA. Horny sniffs the cigar, then breaks it. THEN, he runs around the ring and trips up Estrada with a Home Alone-esque bucket of marbles. Yeah, sure. 'Swaggle chops him, it does nothing, then sprays him with water. He must've got it from Hammerspace. Horny runs under the ring, evades Estrada, then Finlay sprays Armando with a Super Soaker. God, this is stupid. He throws Armando in the ring, and he sells the Soaker long enough to get pinned by the Tadpole Splash. Ugh.
N/A (I'm not rating this. I make a solemn vow right here and now to NEVER rate a Hornswaggle match. When Tazz walks up to interview Finlay, Moe Esch said he looked like Carl Winslow.)
The Irish stereotypes dance afterwards, and sell the Tag Team title match at the PPV. How are Super Soakers supposed to sell a Pay-Per-View?
Oh, there's an inflatable mallet, too. Still stupid.

BREAK.

In WWE Magazine this month we've got pictures of the Dancing Cunts (I think. I can't tell any of them apart anymore). Adamle is still calling Lena Yada "Yadayadayada." Eew.

MATT STRIKER (already in the ring, thusly the loser) vs. MATT "EVAN BOURNE" SYDAL (w'replays from the cool shit of last week's match). Sydal is still wearing his Dragon Gate tights, 'cause they haven't caught it yet. Sydal outmaneuvers Striker from the bell, gets sent to the apron and Striker DESTROYS Sydal with a rope-assisted neck breaker for two. Back flipping back suplex gets two more, and as Striker goes to a rest hold I realize I'll NEVER call him "Evan Bourne." Matt gets out of it with a knee strike and a hurricanrana, a leg sweep and a slightly botched standing moonsault where Striker "kicks" him. Striker's back up, Sydal back flips into a kick from the corner, the Banned Shooting Star Press and that's it.
* (Short squash. They seem to like Sydal, so that's cool I guess. I wish they'd give Matt Striker something to do, he doesn't deserve Big Daddy V as a charge.)
Mike "Galifinakis" Knox runs in afterwards, gives Sydal the Shellshock and I guess they're gonna make these guys feud. As long as "Bourne" wins in the end, I'm fine with it.

BREAK. They hype the Draft during the break. Here's hoping it goes better than last year's.

MIKE KNOX is still in the ring. Why? Oh, he's wrestling KOFI KINGSTON. This should be... "fun."
Collar and elbow, Kofi to the corner. Knox is "so mean, he doesn't even like himself." Sure, Mike. Kingston gets control with some dropkicks, and Knox chucks him into the corner from an attempted monkey flip. Knox gets a sweet-lookin' butterfly suplex, goes to the old reliable surfboard rest hold. Kofi breaks out in time to get punched in the neck, punches Knox out of the corner, gets a springboard cross body and starts kicking again. It's the Uncle Tom leg drop, and before Knox can lose like a man SHELTON BENJAMIN comes out (w/music) and causes a DQ.
*1/4 (This match wasn't awful, for the all-too-brief time they let it go on for. Why couldn't they just let this finish?)
After the bell Benji throws Kofi over in a T-Bone suplex, Kofi blocks a kick and KNOX eats the spinning heel kick reversal. That was kind of cool, actually.

In the ring later, hyping the match for the Chris Benoit Memorial Show will be Big Show and Kane. Oh, 'cause their KotR '99 match was good enough to get a replay nine years later.

BREAK.

(LONG-ASS) replays from the silly-ass Million Dollar Giveaway from Monday see us back from commercial. Hacksaw Duggan is in a suit. Is that supposed to be more entertaining?

Backstage, Finlay and the dumb-ass leprechaun are with Teddy Long and his useless Diva Search reject. Finlay's signing a contract, the stupid blonde chick points out that after the draft Fit and the 'Chaun may be broken up. The midget bites the useless chick after he signs (with an X), Miz comes in and refuses to believe that the Irish Stereotypes are getting a title shot (me too!). Finlay lays out Miz with the Stereotype Stick. Good.

CM PUNK (w/that case he's TOTALLY been making use of since winning it) vs. COMMERCIALS!

BREAK.

That guy who already entered vs. (WWE Tag Team Champion) JOHN MORRISON. "Morrison is a warrior who loves center stage." Just stop talking, Adamle. Collar and elbow after they walk around a bunch, Punk sends Nitro to the corner and they look at each other like they mean business. Punk shoulder blocks Johnny after being sent to the ropes, gets an inverted Manhattan drop and Punk starts a'kickin'. Punk goes to the apron, Morrison trips him onto his face (THAT LOOKED AWEX.) and then Morrison takes control on the outside. Back in, and they start brawling before Morrison gets the kitchen sink knee. Just a one count off the knee, Nitro goes to a cool-lookin' sorta-surfboard. Punk breaks it, gets sent to the corner, Morrison knees him a bunch before giving him a gut buster. Back to the cool board, Corn Muffin Punk gets a half-assed cradle then Morrison breaks and drops Punk across the ropes. Punk back in after the usual shenanigans, then Nitro kicks Punk right above the dick. Abdominal stretch by Nitro, good psychology, Punk breaks the hold and goes for the G2S but Morrison stops his comeback with s'more knees. Punchy punchy punch, Morrison locks on a body scissors. MAN, his boots look gay. Punk breaks it with a GIANT SWING~! Knee, bulldog is stopped, Morrison misses the springboard kick and Punk gets the snap powerslam for two. Morrison blocks the Welcome to Chicago with a fireman's carry & knee strike, back suplex gets two for Nitro. Punk sends him to the corner, blocks an attempted sunset flip with a fireman's carry, OH SHIT GO 2 SLEEP and he wins. Again.
**3/4 (Pretty good, honestly. They're usually good against each other, they've fought enough times.)
Oh shit, Miz is out and he has a mic. He points out that Morrison is still half of the WWETTC, hypes the CBMS match against the Irishmen and we hype the Main Event "Confrontation."

BREAK.

Teddy Long is in the ring, and he hypes the ECW title match at the Benoit Memorial Show - here comes Big Show and Kane. Adamle calls Kane & Show "agile." HA! Reverend Moe suggests Adamle being replaced by Gilbert Gottfried. THAT would be sweet. Show talks first, and it's boring. Kane talks again, it sounds scripted, still boring. This is your main event, ladies and gentlefolk. Mark Henry interrupts their unconvincing attempts at looking tough, I wish he was still called "Sexual Chocolate" so I could call him "Erotic Fudge," he vows to challenge the winner of the Night of Champions match, Henry looks like Uncle Phil and the Predator's love child, Kane and Biggles give Fudge'ms a double chokeslam... and THAT's the show?!?

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Anyone want to read what I try and rip off in my writing (aside from Scott Keith, CRZ and Hyatte)? No? Well, I'ma link to it anyway. Read THIS, and >THAT. And if you want to read a blog I wrote about my action figures, click THIS'N.

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Okay show, overall. It let me down in the end because it ended on a Main Event Confrontation, but the wrestling was alright. They're building to a PPV, so I guess I understand why all the matches were short and unfulfilling. Join me next week, unless I'm fired.