ECW Rant of AweXomeness 6.24.08

Posted by Elmo Machete on 06.24.2008

Y'know that draft that happened last night? Nevermind that.

To everybody who complained about my rampant Benoit jokes last week - Chris Benoit was my favorite wrestler. It really sucks to have who you think is the greatest of all time end his & his family's lives because of (supposed) insanity brought on by so many thwacks to the skull, a consequence of his tough-as-shit, believable wrestling style. I make a bunch of jokes a week before the one year since date, and everyone complains. In the past week though, it seems like EVERYONE's written a Benoit-centric article - a good review of what seems like quite the negative book, a several week Report Card feature I've been waiting for someone to man up and do so what little Chris left behind could be remembered properly... even a religious take on Eddie & Benoit's deaths from the Wrestling Bard. Although he himself got a lot of shit for it, I know exactly where Hubbard was coming from with his "that day was worse for me than 9/11" line. He never said that the Benoit Tragedy was WORSE than September eleventh. Just that it affected him more. Me, too. I was old enough on 9/11/01 that I understood what was going on, understood the social relevance - it just wasn't as personal for me, as I didn't live in or know anyone from New York City. When your favorite wrestler kills his wife, son, then himself, everyone I saw for the next few weeks understood why I was wrecked.

ANYWAY... I guess I'm saying that jokes are my way of coping with hardship. I mean, I was making 9/11 jokes day of - at least I waited a year for Benoit. I was a much bigger asshole when I was sixteen.

Eric the Guest, I said the same thing about Punk cashing in the MitB case after Wrestlemania XXIV. Either Edge ends the streak then gets his shit ended by Punk, or 'Taker wins the title and the original "Chick Magnet" becomes a mega-dick-heel immediately afterwards.

Guest #8880... I wish I were British. The English use the word "cunt" far more openly than us stuffy Americans. I've polled women before, and it's hilarious that they hate the word "cunt" so much - it's just a word, one I'm sure they use as frequently as men. Oh, and as far as making the IWC look like "virgin douches" ...what, are you mad at me for exposing you? I actually just dumped my girlfriend, who I DID have sex with, because I needed to get a "real job" and couldn't afford the time or money to spend on her right now. Making fun of shirtless men pretending to beat each other up is a hobby, and hobbies make us hate life less. So get the fuck up out my grill, A'IGHT?!?

I (do) like (parentheses) a lot.

And to everyone who yells at me for bitching about Adamle, saying "he's SUPPOSED to be bad"...can't you see how ass-backwards that is? Accepting this guy's shittiness on TV just gives him an excuse to never get any better, and they're still paying him for his ineptitude.


Oh, and George Carlin just died. I won't go into depth about why this sucks for me, because it's not wrestling related and apparently nobody wants anyone to feel remorse for celebrity deaths on the Internet. Let me just say that when I heard the news late Sunday night/early-AM Monday morning, my first thoughts were "shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, & motherfucker." Not "tits" though. It's such a friendly word.

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So, in response to even MORE negative comments, I've decided to revamp the article with a suggestion from readers that I've actually contemplated doing for a while... I just haven't added it to the rant yet because I couldn't think of what to call it. A pro's and con's section after every match, which will give me some more room to explain why I rate these things the way I do. Plus, it'll force me to say at least ONE positive thing about every match. For this week, until I think of something better to call it, they'll be "AweXome & Un-AweXome." Deal with it, I like that word.

On to the first ECW after their Champion gets drafted off the show! Didn't this happen last year, too? Whatever happened to that Lashley guy?

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LAST NIGHT on RAW: Vince gave away s'more money. I didn't watch last night, but these segments don't seem any less insipid than the previous few. Then, the set collapses, Vinny can't feel his legs, and I guess McMahon is dead. AGAIN.

Cut to in the ring, Teddy Long says in light of McMahon's accident they all send their thoughts and wishes towards a speedy recovery. One thing he'd want, Long says, is that Vince would want the show to go on. Y'know, like Owen would've. And Benoit.

Teddy introduces the newest addition to ECW, US Champion MATT HARDY. The Adamle y El Tazz are still talking, and I guess the US title is an ECW exclusive title now? Maybe he'll actually defend it. OH, also coming down is (uhh, just drafted to Raw?) CM PUNK, w/still-unused briefcase. OOOOOHHHHH, they're tagging against WWE Tag Team Champions JOHN MORRISON & the MIZ (w/separate entrances), okay. ECW in WWECWHDNWANASA, bell time. Hardy starts with Nitro, they lock up and soon break. Lockup again, Morrison works the arm & Matt reverses. Tag to Punk, he goes to the arm. Snap mare, Morrison regains control and tags out. Miz in, he's punching, Punk ducks a clothesline and OH HE KICK'd HIM. Tag to Matt, they throw Miz into the corner together and Miz gets a back elbow off the ropes. Morrison back in, Miz chokes from the apron while the ref's distracted, and the WWETTC's make with the quick tags. Bobert the Baker, Reverend Moe & JdL laugh at Adamle's ineptitude, Miz is choking Hardy and he gets a jawbreaker before tagging out. Punk in, leg lariat, high-fiving double bulldog (sweet!), and Corn Muffin lands on his feet from a springboard. Morrison pulls down the ropes so as to make Punk fall all up on the outside, commercial time.

BREAK. These Sci-Fi commercials are weird.

We're back with Miz still choking Punk, he breaks only to eat the flippy backbreaker/apron thing double team and Nitro's back in. He gets a front facelock from the floor, Miz snaps Punk's face across the apron and Morrison tags out when the referee is looking again. Miz on the sleeper again, Punk punches out and gets a back suplex, but before he can tag out to Hardy Morrison tags in and drags him away. Camel... uhh, chinlock, Adamle runs a sentence on, Punky Brewster blocks a kick with a fireman's carry, sunset flip, Punk rolls around and tags out. Hardy clotheslines away - back drop, 2nd rope elbow, Side Effect, there's a bunch of running around, Matt is tripped from the outside by Miz, Nitro gets the springboard kick... HORNSWAGGLE fucking runs in... Twist of Fate, and we start hearing Monster Magnet. I miss Matt Hardy v.1.

AWEXOME: Morrison and Miz are still good Tag Team Champions. Punk and Hardy are serviceable enough usually, and the crowd always seems to love both of them. Matt had an alright ECW debut.
UN-AWEXOME: Miz and Morrison should've looked stronger, seeing as they're the CHAMPIONS. Who knows where the hell these titles will go, though...
** (There was nothing WRONG with this match, but it wasn't exactly good.)

Up next, Kingston vs. Benjamin EXTREEEEEME RUUUULES!!! This may not suck.

BREAK.

Extreme Rules: (the World's Most Underrated [and misused] Wrestler) "the Gold Standard" SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. "Jamaican Me Crazy," KOFI KINGSTON. The Gold dude and the Green dude lock up, they get all brawly, Benji gets a clothesline and goes for a suplex. Kingston reverses, gets a kick and a cross body. He steals Matt Cross' rope evasion, kicks Benji outside and hits a plancha. Shelton regains control outside, steals Tony Chimmel's microphone and nails Kofi in the skull before throwing him into the "stair." Benji hurls some garbage cans into the ring, some MORE garbage cans and a chair. Chair to Kofi's face after he's rolled back in, Benji kicks away, and OH, a swanky military press gut buster. Benji keeps the kicks on, wedges a can between some ropes in the buckle, KK makes a brief comeback but it leads nowhere. Benji makes with the botchy can shots that look like bad BYW spots, and Shelly suplexes Kofi on a garbage can. THAT looked cool. Benji to the rest hold, eventually a HARDCORE bear hug, then a rear waist lock. Uhh, hardcore waist lock. Kingston hits some elbows, sent to the corner and he eats two Stinger splashes before he grabs a can and waffles Shelton with it. KK smacks away with the lid, Kingston slides outside just to hit with the lid AGAIN, Kofi grabs the chair but Benji kicks away the legs. Attempted powerbomb by Benji, KK hurricanranas him into the can on the ropes (finally!), silly kick and that'll be all.

AWEXOME: That suplex to the can looked bitchin', and the match was paced pretty well.
UN-AWEXOME: Kofi's still looking strong in spite of his greenery, and shouldn't a hardcore match use a little more than just a shitload of garbage cans?
**3/4 (Not a bad hardcore match, just a slow and uneventful hardcore match.)

LAST WEEK: Kane vs. MVP, Predator/Uncle Phil's love child runs in, and it's Kane vs. Henry tonight. Hooray?

BREAK.

Draft recaps once we're back. Wow, Umaga went to Smackdown. Color me (heh) surprised.

Night of Champions card rundown: WWE Championship, H's vs. Cena. Miz and Morrison vs. Finlay and (ugh) Hornswaggle, Edge vs. Batista (AGAIN), Hardy vs. Chavo, Kane vs. Biggles, and heylookKane'sbackstagelaughing. NEXT, Kane does something.

BREAK.

Goddamnit, it's MIKE "Galafinakis" KNOX (goddamnit, w/replays from Bourne vs. Striker from last week) vs. MATT "Evan" SY"Bourne." Syduck rolls away from a lockup, he's still wearing Dragon Gate tights and Knox starts clubbering. Sydal outruns him and starts kicking, Knox hits the only move he knows how to do (clothesline), sends Matt to the corner for an avalanche, Tazz is catching Adamle's suckiness disease, standing butterfly lock by Knox. Back to clubbering the back, abdominal stretch with a leg locked, Sydal ducks a big boot and kicks at Knox's leg. Chop block, dropkick to knee, more kicks, second rope missile dropkick and that's two. Hurricanrana reversal from the flapjack, Knox catches the spinning heel kick into a backbreaker, transitions it into the "Knoxout" and'a pinfall.

AWEXOME: That ending combo by Mike Knox was uber-sweet, and I still like the "Evan Bourne" incarnation of Matt Sydal better than his Indy stuff. He seems to have toned it down some.
UN-AWEXOME: Mike Knox is still on my TV, and he's still winning. Something needs to be done about this.
*** (Not half bad. Knox very well may be learning. Probably not, though.)

Mark... Henry... is... WALKING!

BREAK.

More replays from Monday's death shenanigans. Didn't a TNA worker just die from falling off the scaffolding?

Big Show comes down, he's not wrestling, he's all up in the commentary booth and here comes KANE (ECW Champion, sure) vs. MARK "Michael Hayes' Favorite Wrestler" HENRY. Show's face looks healthier. Mark Henry's beard is sweating. Collar n' elbow, Kane to the corner, and they make with the punchy punch. Henry head butts, keeps punching, I'm bored. Kane starts upper cutting, Erotic Fudge gets a clothesline and MAN I'm bored. Oh, look it that - Henry's got a bear hug now. Great. Kane breaks, big boot from the corner, Kaneziguri. Low dropkick, two count. Flying lariat is blocked with a crotching, Kane flops into the ring, eats the Talentless Falling Powerslam and... that's it? THAT was worth a ten-year, millions-o'dollars contract.

AWEXOME: It was less than five minutes long.
UN-AWEXOME: The five minutes it was on for.
1/2* (Thank balls this show is over.)

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ECW didn't seem to know what the hell to do this week, because the Draft seemingly hasn't had any effect yet. Punk & Kane's situations are still up in the air, but probably won't change in light of the ECW Raw trade. Mark Henry and Mike Knox still suck, "Evan Bourne" is still okay, Benji & Kofi are still stagnant. Back to bid'ness as usual for this show.