The High-Impact Chronicle 6.26.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 06.27.2008

Now the paperwork's in, the X cup can begin...

I see lots of other people have been writing about Chris Benoit recently, what with the anniversary of his death and all. I'm sure you don't care about my thoughts on the subject though, so I'll refrain from offering them, at least until I work out when people will stop getting offended by jokes about that subject. Just remember people - if we stop laughing about ourselves and the world around us, the terrorists have won! Let's turn our jovial attention to TNA, where the World X Cup should hopefully start to get into the full swing of things this week.

We open with a recap of Kong beating down Karen Angle a few weeks ago and her no-selling the whole thing on last week's Impact, leading up to...

"Karen's Return"

We get a glimpse of the World X Cup trophy at ringside, and it certainly does look pretty swank, and not at all like the bowling trophy from the Kevin Nash Open Invitational Gauntlet with a few shiny bits on top. Our opening contest (and for I believe the fourth week in a row, Impact opens with some actual wrestling) is:

Consequences Creed vs. AJ Styles

Tenay seems to slightly play up the time that Consequences Creed took on AJ back at Bound For Glory by filling Adam Jones' shoes, although the story now is simply that AJ scouted out Creed and was impressed by his skills, leading to his contract with TNA.

Handshake to start; how sweet. AJ with the go-behind and the take down, and they do some mat wrestling as we cut to the back to see Kurt Angle sitting on a chair in the parking lot. Creepy. Back to the action with some armlock reversals, and the crowd is surprisingly into this already. Creed sends AJ to the ropes but Styles is too smart and rolls Creed up for two, and then they repeat the spot with the roles reversed. AJ plants Creed with a big ol' dropkick, Creed dodges a springboard attempt and nails Styles with the somersault lariat for two. Tenay is really playing up the "training" relationship between these two, and to be fair they do seem to have good chemistry. Creed goes for a springboard maneuver but AJ catches him on his shoulders; Creed powers out though and does the splits-punch-y thing. Creed tries another somersault but rolls right into a spinebuster. Well, I say right into, there was a bit of a pause there as they set it up. AJ misses a forearm in the corner, Creed flips out of a back suplex attempt but eats a Pele. Styles Clash and it's all over.

A decent opener, short but pretty action-packed and a few original spots came along. I like where they were going with a bit of background to the matchup as well, as it at least gives the viewer a little credit for not forgetting Creed's actual debut. Give these two 15-minutes on pay-per-view and I think they're capable of a minor classic. After the match JB is here to inform AJ that Kurt is waiting for Karen, and AJ sprints to the back. Commercial break, and when we return security is pulling AJ and Kurt apart in the back as Karen is here. AJ offers his support to Karen... and by 'support', he means 'penis'.

Brother Ray vs. Christian Cage

Ray takes the mic and runs down Rhino, Cage and his "ugly wife", and Ray promises a bit of history as he threatens to end Christian's career. Cage is looking all around for the absent Devon as he heads down the ramp and we have another break .

We're back, and as the bell rings Cage takes control with some hard chops, but charges into a huge back body drop. Cage ducks a charge in the corner and hits a crossbody off the top; by golly the man can fly gracefully. Christian goes up top again but gets caught by Ray; Cage fights back though and shoves Ray off so he can hit a frogsplash for two. Johnny Devine is here with the kendo stick, but Cage turns it around and floors Devine. Ray takes advantage of the distraction though and beats Cage down with the kendo for the DQ loss.

Ray calls to the back, and here come Tomko and Devon... with a GLASS table! Now this is new, and presumably painful. Ray powerbombs Cage through the glass off the top rope! Motherfucker. The medics are here right away as Ray has a post-orgasmic look on his face and hopes that Cage swallowed some glass on his way down. Kaz and Eric Young run down to help as we go to a break. That was a great visual, but the fake glass TNA uses is pretty weak-looking, although the gimmick blood-soaked towel is a nice touch. Kudos for giving them a few minutes to sell that as the vicious attack it should have been.

Tenay and West are in SERIOUS~! mode as we come back from the break. Now see, this is how they should time the commercial breaks. Although we've had three breaks in the space of twenty minutes' programming, none has caused us to miss ANY action. It's little bits of scheduling like this that can hopefully allow TNA to cut out the mid-match breaks that occasionally blight Impact and deliver us some more ringwork, and it's something that they have seemed to improve on in recent weeks.

To the back where JB is hanging with Kev Nash, and I hope Joe's 'Oz' reference from last week can find a way to stick. Probably not, I guess. Speaking of Joe, here's here to interrupt and make some jokes about Nash's knees and his penchant for porn, as well as make a passing reference to Gene LeBell. Nice. Apparently, Nash wants to conserve his energy rather than train. Tenay and West want to discuss Nash's preference for the mental rather than the physical game, but their articulate and erudite insights are interrupted by KONG. Oddly, there are several rednecks around ringside who are brave enough to poke Kong as she walks out. My goodness, but I would NOT want to anger her. Let's see what putz we have this week to eat an Awesome Bomb...

Awesome Kong vs. Danielle

Danielle gets in a slap, but that's the wrong move and Kong lays the beatdown. NASTY head shot into the steps on the outside. Shantelle Taylor is at ringside again and Kong shoves her away! Kong does some more murderizing, and an Awesome Bomb right on the spine finishes it.

After the match, Taylor jumps the guardrail and takes the fight to Kong, decking Saeed in the process, until security has to pull them apart. Jimmy Cornette is down here with his rolled-up Paper of Authoritah, and Taylor begs for another chance to beat Kong, offering to fight Saeed in order to get the shot. I say it every week, but this segment can go on forever as far as I'm concerned.

While all that business gets sorted out, we get another shoot interview with Angelina Love and Gail Kim. They keep it slightly kayfabe though, as Angelina recalls Gail being rude to her back in Border City Wrestling. We get more from Scott D'Amore, too. I never understood the hatred for that guy's screen presence back in the Team Canada days, y'know. Anyway, this isn't quite as interesting as last week's look at Gail's early career, but a nice step nonetheless.

World X Cup 1st round match...

No, wait, Frank Trigg is here to interrupt Team Japan's entrance. Trigg isn't happy about being taken from behind by AJ last week [ahem], and calls him out. Trigg's ears are ridiculous, hahaha. It's all a diversion though, because as AJ heads out to challenge Frank, Kurt turns up in the locker room and pays the Beautiful People to beat down Karen. JB gets a kick in the happysack for his troubles too. I'm glad that Trigg is getting some good heat; he's not great on the stick in the ring, but when it comes to being a heel commentator he's already good, and this can only help him for when he takes on that role again in the future.

Anyway, now it really is:

World X Cup 1st round match: Speed Muscle vs. Ultimo Guerrero & Rey Buccanero

Team International and Team TNA are here to supervise things as we get underway. Nice to see everyone's Visas are sorted now. I'm a little worried about whether my fledgling recapping skills are up to the task of this match-up. Yoshino and Rey start things off with some knife-edge chops, Yoshino runs the ropes like Speedy Gonzalez and takes out Rey's knee with a kick. Tag in to Doi and they hit the double stomp to the arm. Double back elbow and a drop toehold / dropkick combo gets two. Yoshino attacks Guerrero and the Japs seem to be taking on the heel role here. Spinebuster / legdrop combo and a modified Boston Crab / dropkick combo as Speed Muscle takes charge. Guerrero tags in though, and hits both of them with a double spinebuster! Very impressive. Double flapjack on Yoshino and some more double team strikes to Doi, and Team Mexico plays to the crowd as we see Team International and Team TNA staring each other down. Yoshino off the ropes, flipped up by Guerrero but he lands on Rey's shoulders and nails a rana! Speed Muscle hits double suicide dives to the outside and this is getting beyond my capacity to keep up with. Back inside, Rey hits Doi with a wheelbarrow power bomb but gets caught in the ropes and eats some chops and a big dropkick. Slam by Doi, and then possibly the single greatest spot ever seen on Impact: Doi grabs Guerrero and holds him near the fallen Rey, and Yoshino comes off the top rope with a dropkick to Guerrero and lends on Rey with a senton! Absolutely glorious. That gets two for Doi on Rey, and he tags back to Yoshino. Rey floors Yoshino with a lariat and tags in Guerrero, who pulls Yoshino to the second rope and hits him with a stalling front suplex. Doi breaks the pin, Guerrero dropkicks Yoshino out and Rey slides under the bottom rope to splash him on the floor! Guerrero takes Doi upstairs and hits a REVERSE BRAINBUSTER from the second rope! Team Mexico hits the LAX Drive-By on Doi, and Rey comes off the top with a corkscrew senton for the win, putting them equal on 1 point with Team TNA.

My goodness. Just outstanding. Not quite as rapid as the Speed Muscle / MCMG match from a fortnight ago, but it ever-so-slightly edges ahead for sheer adrenaline in my humble opinion. Either way, that's just nitpicking. For a viewer like myself, who arguably represents a significant proportion of TNA's main demographic (ie. 18-25 male, with little previous experience of non-US pro wrestling), that is exactly the kind of thing I would like to see more of on Impact. Take note, JJ.

For the record though, Speed Muscle is still the gayest tag team name since Head Cheese.

To the back with Lauren, who is discussing Jay Lethal and SoCal Val's failed wedding. Machismo is FREAKIN' OUT~! Val wants to postpone the wedding until Lethal has taken Sonjay out of the picture. It's a shame Sonjay's heel turn has been so spectacularly lame. However, rather than shitting all over it right away, let's give them a chance to sort it out, at least until they've had the first match.

A brief video for the Fans' Revenge against Storm and Roode. Surely the whole point of the first of these matches with Jarrett was that he'd been such a universally hated champion for so long that it was almost visceral in its appeal? Storm and Roode, while both great heels, aren't in that league yet.

Here comes Sonjay Dutt to the ring, and has a team of fat kids dressed as gurus, collecting money from the crowd! Ahahahaha, they pull in a good twenty bucks for Sonjay. Sonjay delivers his promo while sitting on a rug in the middle of the ring, and wants us to pray for Val to break free from Lethal's shackles. Hey, whaddya know, things are already looking up for Heel Sonjay. He gets the kids to beat their tambourines as he dances around chanting "set Val free!" Haha, this is much better. Here comes Lethal though and he is pissed, choking out Sonjay with his own vest. Dutt fights back, but Lethal tosses him into an urn they have as a back drop, and Sonjay bails with the mini-gurus. Maybe their physical interaction thus far has been intentionally poor simply so that when they do get in the ring it'll be more of a relief than anything.

To the back as The T shows JB around his newly decorated locker room, with red velvet all over the walls and some "fine art" on the walls. T is wearing a truly pimped-out robe, and claims to have boosted TNA's ratings. Tell that to the muppets who comment on 411's weekly news item about Impact's latest ratings. The T promises to bust Nash's punk ass, and wearing that get-up you have to wonder whether he's thinking about sodomy. I know I was.

Incidentally, if no one has seen the clip of the new TNA video game with commentary by Samoa Joe and AJ Styles, track it down and check it out, it's pretty funny.

TNA Rough Cut with Matt Morgan talks more about his basketball career and how he got into wrestling through Tough Enough. I presume Morgan's away filming American Gladiators, so this is as good a way as any to keep him on our screens. The segments are certainly quite brief though.

To the back where Kurt is still angry about Karen and AJ, and Tomko and JB try to keep him calm. Team 3D turns up, and Brother Ray calls Karen a skank. Devon is wearing some glasses that make him look like a proper spod. Ray offers Kurt a glimpse at his little black book, which I would have thought contains little more than Taco Bell numbers and addresses. So apparently next week we have some wacky Kurt Angle dating skits? I hope that turns out better than it sounds. Kurt makes them promise "no fat chicks", though.

Knockouts Bimbo Brawl: Moose vs. ODB

Moose's gimmick is, apparently, "I hate bimbos". How on earth does that make sense with her teaming with the Beautiful People? Am I completely missing something there? Anyone? Mr. Logic? Mr. Common Sense? Hello? And why is this called a 'Bimbo Brawl' when neither woman is a bimbo? Anybody?

Ah well, intelligent thought processes aside, this looks to be a standard hardcore match. They brawl to the outside and Moose gets sent to the guard rail as ODB raids a shopping cart full of plunder. Moose gets tossed into the cart and rammed into the railing again, then tipped out on the floor.

Mike Tenay: "Christian Cage... is going to receive many, many stitches... we'll have an update on his condition next week."

Good lord, how many stitches does the man need then? Back in the ring, Moose cracks a hockey stick right across ODB's back and it has NO give. Moose chokes her out with a chain and the crowd provides the boo-urns. Moose climbs the turnbuckle for leverage, but ODB fights back and tosses her off to the mat. Series of clotheslines leads to a fallaway slam, and ODB falls on her ass when she tries to kip up. ODB grabs a big old shovel and nails Moose with it, which would be more impressive if it wasn't made out of plastic. Moose kicks out at two and a half, so ODB tries for the running powerslam onto a chair. Moose fights out and dodges a press off the second rope, and a weak-looking double arm DDT on the chair gets the win.

The win was needed as Moose is obviously being built as a muscle-style chick, and she does look pretty competent in the ring. This was quite boring overall though, and too short to be meaningful. Hopefully they get a proper hardcore match in at some point down the line, as both ladies look like they're capable of shocking a crowd with a violent match.

A sweet video showcasing TNA's recent UK tour, which to be fair, looked excellent. Apparently they're going for some pretty large arenas on next year's tour, so I might be able to actually get to see a show for a change. I still find it amusing that they have to use Big Ben in the videos to signify "England". Also for your consideration, TNA production team: morris dancers, cups of tea, and cricket.

No DQ match: Booker T vs. Kevin Nash

For those who may have missed the last few weeks, The T is taking on Joe at Victory Road, and Nash wants to prove that Joe needs to work on his mental game to beat the wily veteran. Given Nash's physical outlook, he'd better showcase the mental game of Marilyn Vos Savant if he wants to win this one.

No explanation why this is a no DQ match, but given how tedious both of these guys risk being in the ring, I suppose it needs something to make things interesting. T dances around for a minute like a jive turkey, but Nash shoves him away as Tenay makes a nice little rhyme...

Mike Tenay: "Here comes the champ, right down the ramp!"

Hey Mike, you're a poet and weren't previously aware of it. Joe takes a seat ringside as Nash slugs The T in the corner... veeeeery... sloooowly... T fights back, but Nash clotheslines him to the outside and rams him into the ringpost. Nash takes another shot as they both stagger around the ring. Good lord, it's like John Woo filmed this match. Twenty seconds later, Nash gets another punch and slowly climbs back inside, but T ambushes him and desperately tries to increase the pace... as we head to a break. Hey, what was I saying earlier about the breaks? Why would you ignore me TNA?

We're back, and Nash is slowly ramming T's head into the ring steps, then rolls him back inside for consecutive two counts. Joe is shaking is head, presumably wondering what the hell is going on. Nash goes for a clothesline but The T dodges and kicks Nash to the mat and boots him outside. Again. The T wants Joe's chair, but Joe ain't budging, so T just pushes him over and cracks him with a hard chair shot. Finally, something interesting happens! Back in the ring, and The T floors Big Kev with a hook kick and beats him down with the chair. Two count, and Nash stands up into another chair shot. Joe's recovered though and charges in to kick The T's ass. T dodges a superkick and Joe nails Nash! The T tosses Joe and pins Nash for three. Joe is not a happy bunny as The T wins the mental game. Nash gets in Joe's face and security are quick to dive in (for once) to pull them apart as the show ends.

Man, if you looked the word 'turgid' up in a dictionary you'd probably find a clip of this match. I understand the need to further the rift between Joe and Nash to create some external conflict, really I do, but they could've just aborted this match altogether and gone straight to the ending. Hopefully we're not going to go the swerve route of Nash having been on T's side all along, and this loss here having been part of his mental gameplan to beat Joe. The T's going to be in front of a home crowd as the challenger, so that should be enough along with his veteran status to give him an edge over Joe, without any wacky shenanigans. We're after the third clean PPV main event finish in a row, remember.


In closing... this week's Impact, HOT or NOT?

I think some guy last week was complaining about me using degrees Celsius in this bit. OK, 0 = freezing, 100 = boiling, it's not rocket science. Obviously though, things will rarely hit those extremes, and the mid-60s that the standalone Impacts have been doing for the past two weeks is a good rating in my book.

So, this episode of Impact hits a good 65 °C, while the build to Victory Road holds steady at 48 °C. I had a hard time judging the show itself this week, as despite the fact I know I enjoyed it, the last forty minutes or so were pretty slow-paced, and every match after the X Cup tag match was disappointing, the main event in particular - Nash and T can both turn it on when they need to, so it was sad to see them looking so lackadaisical this week. The so-called bimbo brawl was lackluster too, more "just there" than anything else. Good call on whoever gave Moose the redneck banjo entrance music, though. And despite some nice heeling from Sonjay Dutt, his feud with Machismo really hasn't gone anywhere at all. However, despite all that, we were treated to a nicely done injury angle with Christian Cage, a short-but-sweet opener and a phenomenal X Cup match, and even the weakest matches this week were on a par with many TV shows the company has put on in the past few months. If they can find a way to fit two of those X Cup matches on each week, then the ratings (well, my ratings) would go through the roof. Overall TNA continues to ride the wave it instigated recently, and this was another solid TV show.

As for Victory Road, the build is still bubbling under, and while the card that is presumably shaping up should have some great potential, it's not kicked into high gear yet. We still have a muddled main event with an unfocused, albeit still enjoyable, feud, and although the X Cup has been the shining star of Impact for the past few weeks and won't be until it hits round two that the scene is really set for the finale at Victory Road. The other ongoing feuds ranged from average-to-good this week, and I'm still excited for the LAX/Roode & Storm encounter even though they only featured in a short video this week, which is always a good sign. It's a little sad to see that the Kong Open Challenge may be drawing to a close, but it's served its purpose more than adequately. If we can get the focus off Joe/Nash and properly on to Joe/Booker, things should be looking good.