The High-Impact Chronicle 7.04.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 07.04.2008

The Stinger makes his [not so] grand return to TNA.

Apologies for the relative brevity of the Chronicle this week folks. Trouble in paradise and all that. Still, hopefully we've got some more international X Cup action to perk things up eh?

"The Mating Game"

You have got to be kidding me. That's worse than a Bimbo Brawl.

Oh wait, apparently we've got another Bimbo Brawl tonight. Fuck's sake.

AJ Styles and Karen Angle are here to kick the show off, and I believe this is the first show in around two months that hasn't kicked off with wrestling. Still, the streak was hot while it was on. AJ calls out Kurt, and uses the word 'expecially', but here comes Team 3D instead. Funny how it takes a glass table powerbomb to take out Christian, but Rhino gets sidelined for a fortnight with a mere 3D through a table. Ray claims that AJ's "soap opera bimbo" is the only problem, but then reneges and claims that AJ himself is a problem too. Haha, Ray sings the 'Duelling Banjos'. Awesome. It breaks down and AJ clears house until the Numbers Game (© Don West) takes over. Double team neckbreaker flattens AJ, and Ray politely requests a table. It's set up, but here comes Rhino (shit, there goes my earlier comment) to clear the ring, promising a six-man Full Metal Mayhem match with the good guys against 3D and Kurt! "TLC" chants from the crowd. Devon says the blood will be on the crowd's hands. That should be a good match, and after 3D have spent so long interfering in the AJ/Kurt feud it makes sense to mix them all up and turn them loose. Hopefully that won't derail a blow-off to AJ and Kurt's beef, expecially with placing Kurt in such a high-impact [zing!] match.

The Mating Game with Kurt Angle: Kurt and JB head to a gym on a blind date for Kurt. They find that it's a fat chick. That is all.

We get a nice video package hyping AJ as a major threat, which makes a change. Next we get a few glimpses of the submission videos sent by fans wanting to take part in the Fans' Revenge match at the PPV. Mildly amusing.

Live via satellite it's LAX in Houston. They all shout at the camera in Spanish. That is all.

Oh, wait, Roode and Storm are here, and LAX continues to shout in Spanish. That is horribly annoying. Storm can't understand a word Hector is saying, and he's not even drunk. Damn straight. And apparently, Roode and Storm are now known as:

Beer Money Inc. vs. Motor City Machine Guns

Surely the Guns should be resting up for the X Cup. I never really noticed it before, but their music is awful, and it seems to have lyrics now too. The Guns take charge of Storm until he pokes Sabin's eye and tags in Roode, but Bobby takes some double team work to the arms and a knee from Shelley for two. Consecutive springboard elbow and legdrop from the Guns to Roode, and they take the time to knock down Storm too. Roode launches Sabin to the second rope and Storm cuts him down, setting him up for a Northern lariat. Sabin flips Storm to the apron, but he retaliates with an enziguri and Roode hits a dropkick for two. Beer Money is wearing match colors, nice touch. Sabin fights back and tags in Shelley who clears house and nails Roode with some powerful kicks. Sliced Bread attempt on Roode, but Shelley is flipped out into a lungblower from Storm. Sabin with a springboard DDT on Roode (!), but then he runs into a big clothesline from Storm. Jackie on the apron and she goes for the Beer Spittage of Mild Peril, but Shelley ducks and it blinds Storm long enough for a three count. A decent match, Storm and Roode are doing well as a team, and Beer Money is a good enough name for the two, even if it does still seem like they've been thrown together just because they're heels. I'm not sure why the pulled MCMG out of the X Cup just for this, though, but at least they're back to winning ways.

Post match, we get the heel beatdown with the leather straps, and Storm and Roode take it to security too. Don West gets whipped down and his cursing gets bleeped out! Ahahahahaha! Beer Money Inc. is now officially my favorite tag team in the universe. Now Dave Penzer takes a beating! Fucking glorious!. Cornette is out here to threaten Beer Money, as Storm refuses to stop whipping Penzer and Don West sells the beating. Cornette promises another match for Beer Money later tonight against the two most pissed-off backstage wrestlers. Highly enjoyable segment in my humble.

We get another Cross the Line video, this time hyping Bobby Roode. Hey, these are pretty good. Let's hope they stick to the homegrown guys.

The Mating Game with Kurt Angle: Kurt is on a date and talking about Karen. His date is a transvestite. That is all.

Knockouts Bimbo Brawl: Moose vs. Roxxi

Moose's music is brilliant. But again, why is this a 'Bimbo Brawl'? These two chicks are about as far away from bimbos as TNA gets. Roxxi is wearing some proper ring gear for a change, but gets choked out with a hockey stick and tossed on her ass. West is still selling his ass-whuppin' on commentary. Roxxi goes into the steps, but Moose apparently falls over her own shopping cart, and Roxxi whips her right into it! And I mean right into it, just like Rhino's old gore spot. Moose fights back with a bedpan or three and gets some BRUTAL shots on Roxxi's skull. And with no hair to protect her! Back in the ring, Roxxi takes a road sign and wraps it around Moose's face. Hockey stick next, and that gets cracked over Moose's back. Next: chairshot. That gets two, so Roxxi sets the chair in the corner, and then rather curiously dives right into it. Moose with the double arm DDT on the road sign and that's all she wrote. Short but fun, thanks to some stiff as hell shots, and Roxxi is split right open! Nasty as hell. I'm still unsure where this "bimbo" shit is coming from though, and the girls' feuds are losing focus. Pull it together, TNA.

To the back where Jimmy C is offering Kevin Nash a financial incentive to fight Beer Money, alongside Samoa Joe. Nash claims there aren't any problems. In the best piece of subliminal messaging ever, Cornette's notice board has a promo for Victory Road scrawled on it in a child's handwriting.

Another Cross the Line video for the Knockouts this time. "No divas here!" Quite. Plenty of bimbos, though.

To the back and Joe finds out that Nash will be his partner against Beer Money. Joe is not a happy bunny, and says he's finished with Big Kev. Cornette pulls rank on Joe, and Joe reluctantly agrees, but holds Jimmy responsible for the consequences. We then get a video going over the two's history, which for some reason puts them over as a longstanding reliable team, and claims that Joe has yet to prove himself a worthy champion. Not really the message we should be sending, is it?

Cross the Line: this time it's Alex Shelley, which is a nice focus on the individual for a change. Hey, these are great, but let's have them a little more sporadically shall we? They're really ramming the slogan down our throats.

The Mating Game with Kurt Angle: Kurt is on a date in a restaurant. His date keeps leaving the table and he thinks she's bulimic. Turns out she has the shits and Kurt laughs. That is all.

Talking of shit, this is. And why are they now teasing tension between Angle and Ray? Could it be because they're due to team up at Victory Road? Tag team partners that don't get along? Yeah, I call bullshit too.

World X Cup 2nd round match: Alex Koslov vs. Rey Bucanero

It's Team International vs. Team Mexico, and Daivari is here to accompany Koslov. They do some flippy floppy stuff off the ropes until Rey hits a tilt-a-whirl slam and tosses Koslov around the ring, before dropkicking him to the outside. Rey slides outside, but Koslov ducks back in and hits a no-hands somersault plancha and lands on his feet! Springboard crossbody on Rey gets two. Daivari looks like Ming the Merciless' younger brother. Rey hits a wheelbarrow driver to crush Koslov's neck, and a corkscrew senton gets the win. Team Mexico takes the lead with 3 points. Oh, disappointing, disappointing. This was even shorter than Curry Man vs. Koslov from a few weeks ago. These guys both have great talent, and this is supposed to be a showcase for it. The first black mark for the X Cup thus far. Pull it together, TNA!

After the break, Kurt arrives in the Impact Zone and calls out Brother Love Ray to discuss his lovelife. Ray mentions that the crowd can now pick the stips for their Victory Road match and Kurt is not amused. Ray invites Kurt to the back for a coffee, and defends his choice in ladies as well as his respect for Kurt. Ray claims to have used Devon's little black book instead of his own, which is the only moderately amusing moment about this whole slow and turgid affair. Ray calls out some random piece of skanky ass from the back and Kurt seems to have cheered up a bit. God this is slow. Even the chick looks bored. Fuck, my housemate just walked past my door naked. His pasty ass is almost as entertaining as this segment. Kurt insults the skank and compares her to Karen, and she does the worst "scared/offended" acting you ever did see. Kurt calls out the Beautiful People, who apparently he now has a business relationship with, and they brown bag the skank as Ray chortles merrily, like a fat pimp. Karen heads out and bitchslaps the girls and her husband, and finally the crowd has a bit of life. Here comes AJ, Gail Kim, ODB and Rhino to turn this into a giant clusterfuck, and the faces clear house. Well, you see what they were trying for, but by golly this bit fell flat.

We get another Cross the Line video, this time promoting the level of violence and bloodshed in TNA. Pretty nasty, in a good way, with some gratuitous stitching-up-wounds shots.

To the back and JB is with Pimp T in his dressing room, and T offers him his own silk robe! Haha. The T is still wearing his pimp robe and is now smoking a pipe. Methinks it may be filled with crack. T promises he'll win the championship at Victory Road, and I don't think anyone could argue he's more entertaining as a face. His dressing room is awesome.

Cross the Line, Chris Sabin, so that we don't risk forgetting TNA's marketing slogan.

Oh, and Booker T, too. You Cross the Line as well. Okay, this started out fun, but has rapidly "crossed the line" from diverting to obnoxious.

Rough Cut with Matt Morgan talks about Morgan's relationship with Jim Cornette, and his stint on Smackdown. Morgan drops the names of both Brock Lesnar and Chris Benoit, which has got to be pretty brave. Kurt appears to talk about Morgan's failed WWE gimmick. Hey, this was pretty good, and for all you can talk about how namechecking WWE being detrimental, the "shoot" style works really well when TNA does it right.

World X Cup 2nd round match: Milano Collection AT vs. Curry Man

I wonder if someone can explain to me Milano's rather odd choice of ring moniker and invisible dog deal. Curry takes charge with a dropkick, but Milano rolls him up and takes him for a ride around the ring. Milano up top but Curry tosses him off while he poses and hits a back body drop. Milano crotches himself on the ropes and Curry Man hits him with a spicy flying hip. Crossbody misses and Milano matrixes out of a few strikes and a pin attempt, and drills Curry with an enziguri. BIG superkick floors Curry Man but only gets two and a half. Curry Man to the apron, rams Milano into the turnbuckle and hits the crossbody this time for two. Spice Rack attempt, but Milano fights out and hits a low blow while Slick Johnson's back is turned, and a springboard moonsault gets the win and 2 points for Team Japan. Another short outing for the X Cup this week, and it's rather odd given the amount of time allocated to the tag bouts in the past few weeks. A relatively low-key debut for Milano Collection AT, but it's the right result to keep the tournament standings interesting, and there were a couple of entertaining spots.

To the back and Lauren is with Beer Money Inc., and Storm is wearing a cheap-looking Beer Money slogan t-shirt that he made himself, with a little "Place tag team belt here". Awesome. Has Storm put on weight?

Robert Roode: "There's a new sheriff in town, and his name? Beer Money."

These guys are the best thing on my TV set.

Gail Kim Crosses the Line. I'm done with this now.

Raisha Saeed vs. Taylor

This is for Taylor's right to earn a rematch against Kong for the $25k challenge. Taylor has her own entrance music and video, so you know she has to be sticking around. Some rather luvverly stripy ring gear, too. They brawl to start, and Taylor fights out of a powerbomb attempt with an arm drag, and another tilt-a-whirl arm drag off the ropes. Taylor whipped to the corner, but she dives off with a crossbody right into a big kick from Saeed. Kong levels her on the outside, and Saeed dumps her straight into the ring steps. Back in and a back suplex gets two for Saeed. Saeed goes up top but misses a moonsault and Taylor takes charge with a few clotheslines and a headscissors for a close two count. Stiff kicks to the torso but Kong shoves the ref off the apron to break the count. Taylor boots her in the stomach and gets a bridging German suplex for the win. She looks suitably elated. Decent little match, and it looks as though the Kong open challenge finishes at Victory Road. It's been a great run of killing bitches for Kong, though. Taylor looked smart in her proper wrestling debut with TNA, and she seems to be a solid addition to the roster.

Kaz Crosses the Line. Are we going through the whole roster with these?

A video of Gail Kim and Angelina talking smack in a shoot stylee. An off-camera interviewer asks Angelina if she's jealous of Gail, and I think she's over-compensating with her reaction. These short vids continue to be great, and Scott D'Amore and Pat Kenney continue to get TV time, which is just swell.

Beer Money vs. Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash

I hadn't noticed earlier, but Beer Money's music is an apparently random splicing-together of Roode and Storm's entrance themes. Hey, it works. Roode beats on Nash in the corner to start, but Nash fights out with a big boot, and he's already looking wobbly on his feet. Side slam to Roode gets two as we cut to Pimp T watching the match from his velour dressing room. Nash elbows Roode in the corner, but Joe tags himself in and shows him how it's done. Storm comes in and eats some jabs from Joe and a leg lariat, and a stiff enziguri in the corner. We cut to break as Beer Money takes a breather.

Apparently it's not just a break though. Yes, it's time for Kurt Angle to Cross the Line. Yawn.

Back to the match and Roode is in charge of Joe, settling in for a nice quiet chinlock. Joe fights out but runs into a back elbow and Beer Money do some smooth double team work. In the back, Pimp T is most delighted. Joe powerslams Storm but tells Nash to suck it, and gets flattened by Storm. Nash comes in anyway and powers the little fellas around, and chases Storm out of the ring. Jackie passes some handcuffs to Roode, but Joe ducks the swing and locks in the Coquina Clutch. Roode low blows out of it and goes for the Payoff, but Joe just drops him on his face. Whip to the corner, and the Muscle Buster wins it for Joe. Not really of much consequence in terms of the actual match, but hey, at least Joe went over as being able to do the business all on his own. Plus, his interaction with his big title opponent was... wait, non-existent apparently. Again the focus is on Joe and Nash, when it should be on Joe and The T with Nash on the sidelines. Too much muddling of angles in recent weeks, TNA.

Nash and Joe bicker after the bell... but wait, it's Sting! Yeeeeeaaaaahhh.... hmm, no, all he's doing is standing in the rafters watching. So, presumably once Joe is done with Booker and the inevitable match with Nash, we'll have a title bout against Sting at Bound For Glory? Hey, sounds okay to me. I'd prefer to see Joe vs AJ for the strap at TNA's Wrestlemania [giggle], but that's a decent second-place match.


In closing... this week's Impact, HOT or NOT?

This episode of Impact hits a fair-to-middling 49 °C, while the build to Victory Road holds steady at 48 °C. Frankly, all credit in the world to James Storm and Robert Roode for losing two matches on one show and still coming out of it as by far the most entertaining thing TNA has to offer. Seriously, if they continue to build Beer Money with just the right amount of camp and just the right amount of serious heelishness, those two would be great tag team champs. The X Cup, while entertaining as always, lost a lot of its fire this week, as apparently all the time the matches should have been allocated went towards Kurt Angle and his bullshit blind dates. What a waste of time those skits were, and the only purpose they served seems apparently to give a bit of tension to the latest incarnation of the Angle Alliance, because god knows we don't have enough tag team partners who don't get along. Elsewhere, both the women's matches were brief but entertaining, another win to keep the Machine Guns burning nicely, and Joe looked pretty strong in the main event.

Of course, that comes at the expense of precisely ZERO build to the Victory Road main event, which started off well but has tapered off. It's getting to the point where a casual viewer might not even know who Joe is feuding with over the belt at a quick glance, and that should be the first thing that's immediately obvious. Introducing Sting into the equation has the potential to complicate things further, but he was only there for a second so we'll forget about him for the moment. It's an odd show in terms of PPV build this week, as while everyone got some decent TV time, it all seemed to be in the wrong place and with the wrong people. Mixed feelings about this week's Impact - if TNA can pull back the interest in the X Cup and the Joe/T title match, the undercard already looks pretty strong so Victory Road should turn out pretty good after all.

Oh, and by the way, I think TNA's slogan may just be "Cross the Line". I could be mistaken about that though. I might need to hear another twenty seven gajillion times.