The Dope on Smackdown 7.04.08

Posted by Michael O on 07.05.2008

Happy belated Canada day everybody! And hey fellas, I think Vickie Guerrero might be single now...

All apologies for the lateness. This may be upsetting to one or two of you, but I had plans last night and....I'M MENTIONING THEM!

I'm looking for a new ratings system, too. I must admit that my system of rating matches based on how high I think one should be to enjoy/endure a match, while hilarious at the time when I conceived it while very high myself on some primo hash, has a few flaws that I simply cannot ignore. The biggest one is the fact that under this system, I really only have two possible ratings for matches that I think are good:

"No drugs necessary" and "match was so good you should detox for a week before and watch it completely clean"

Fact is, I've struggled with coming up with any good ideas for a proper rating system since I started here.
While I enjoy star ratings when I'm reading match reviews, I'm not one to really know the difference between a *3/4 and a **1/4 match most of the time and I'd prefer something that would be indigenous to this column anyways.

So with that in mind, I'm reaching out to all (twelve) of you for ideas. I mean, I only have to write this thing, it's you who actually have to read it, so I'm open to any and all suggestions for an actual, factual ratings system.
And no, it doesn't have to be drug related, but this is "The Dope" after all, so that would certainly be permissable.

If you got 'em, drop 'em in the comment or shoot me an e-mail.
Should I find a worthy one, full credit shall be issued to the genius that provided it.



We were LIVE from Tulsa, OK with J.R. & M.F. and I am totally marking out for the old school red, white and blue ring ropes.


The VIP Lounge

MVP, after pointing out that he and his lounge are better than you, brings out his guest who is also better than you, Triple H. Montel sucks up to Hunter, which leads to a brief period of mutual admiration that ends when Hunter goofs on his Power Ranger inspired ring attire. After a dispute over who gets dibs over rolling footage, guest or host, footage is rolled:

We take a look at the fairly shocking events of Raw, where MITB holder and presumptive JTTS CM Punk put the doubters to sleep and won the world heavyweight championship. I actually thought that Punk would go on to be the first 'Bank' manager to come up short when he finally cashed it in, since his 2008 win/loss record hasn't exactly been becoming of a soon to be world champion, but I'm all for surprises and I'm all for fresh new faces in the main event scene, so two thumbs up!

Porter and Helmsley bust on Edge for getting "Punked" until an unamused Vickie Guerrero comes out to bitch at them. Hunter congratulates Vickie on her upcoming nuptials and puts over Edge for being smart enough to marry the boss to get ahead, causing MVP to cock an eyebrow and the most of the crowd to get excited because we all love inside references, don't we?

Vickie says there are lots of things her man has done that Hunter could never do, such as beat Batista and banish the Undertaker.
Hunter responds by saying from the looks of Vickie, there are indeed things Edge has done that he will not.
Like let JBL stick a finger up his asshole.
Vickie lets Hunter know that at the Great American Bash, it will be he and Edge for the WWE championship.


Star on a pole match: Michelle McCool vs Cherry vs Maryse vs Kelly Kelly vs Victoria

Okay, so the winner of this match faces the winner of the last star on a pole match for the new Diva championship, a championship that was supposed to find a first lady at Night of Champions, but that match was just dropped and ignored at the last minute. And this match is basically comprised of everybody who didn't win the first pole match. This new title is already off to a rocky start and if you actually have faith that the WWE has what it takes to sustain two women's championships, you haven't been paying attention. And I have a bridge I'd like to sell you. Or something...how does that one go?

Anyways, Victoria is in the match so I am bound by my word to dutifully recap it, and dutifully I shall. Oh, and Natalya, who traded up to red hair, joins us for commentary. They show the new belt and it basically looks like what the spinner belt would look like if it was designed by the makers of Bratz.

Michelle goes for the star right away, but Victoria tosses her out of the ring. Kelly squared is next to try for the star but is also thwarted by Victoria. Victoria goes for it and gets a taste of her own medicine as Cherry superplexes her, allowing Michelle to have a try. Maryse tries next, but Kelly and Cherry double electric chair drop her. Cherry and Maryse fight over who gets to try next while everybody is down. Victoria hits a somersault leg drop over the top rope from the apron onto Cherry and goes up, but Michelle goes up to stop her.

Kelly shoves them both off the top to the outside and loses a fight with Maryse. Maryse the terrible goes up but Michelle thankfully kicks her in the face and retrieves the star, ensuring that we should at least get a decent contest over the already fledgling Diva championship.
Due to my still basking in the after glow of morning sex and the fact that this was kept very short, I'll say it didn't suck too bad.

Michelle McCool won


In the back, Vickie and her wedding planner are interrupted by Hawkins & Ryder. She wants to know where Edge is, but they have no idea. She is rightfully angry with them over letting Edge lose on Monday and puts them in a match against Jesse & Festus tonight. I guess she's mad at me too.

Edge, luggage, and a very bad attitude are seen making their way around the backstage area.

We get a video package for...Vladimir Kozlov?!? I don't know, maybe they actually have big plans for the guy, but I still feel like he's seeking induction into the "big dudes that nobody gives a fuck about" club.


Hawkins & Ryder vs Jesse & Festus

Festus is feeling festive, coming out in full Uncle Sam drag. The bell rings and the big, retarded Uncle Sam clears house on the blondes. It's like a visual representation of what would happen if America took on, uh, Sweden? Jesse tags in for a second rope Hart attack. Jesse soon assumes face-in-peril duties until tagging Festus back in. Retarded Uncle Sam beats ass and ends it with a huge flapjack.
Match was short and retarded. Edge comes out after and beats the retard out of Festus as the Rmy holds back Jesse.

Festus pinned Ryder


Edge and his inability to relax are with Vickie in the back. Vickie does the world's worst job of consoling him, saying that it was stupid to be there and that she didn't even give him permission to do so. A lover's quarrel ensues, ending with Edge storming out and an upset Vickie trying to regain composure. Oh, I hope this isn't the beginning of the end for these two, who are currently my favorite TV couple. Maybe this is all a ruse for the purposes of fucking over Triple H at a later date. If this is indeed splitsville, I have to wonder...who gets to keep the heel heat?


Jeff Hardy vs John Morrison

Morrison rocks Hardy with a series of European uppercuts, but soon becomes maybe the first wrestler in history to be felled by a Jeff Hardy shoulderblock. A struggle over a wristlock ends finds John getting sent to the outside, where Hardy flattens him with a splash off the apron. Back inside, Jeff get the "10 punches in the corner" and goes for the "2 legs to yer crotch" but John counters to a pinfall attempt. A big running knee to the face puts Morrison in control, who goes on to kick the shit out of Hardy for a bit.
Morrison goes for a fancy kick off the ropes but Jeff avoids it and catches him with a spinning reverse kick. Jeff charges, but gets disposed to the floor as we get disposed to a commercial break.

Back from, with Morrison in total and complete control of Jeff's arm. Hardy fights back and goes for the whisper in the wind, but John dodges it and goes back to working on the arm. Eventually, Jeff tries another comeback and gets tossed shoulder first into the post for his trouble. John goes up and flies at Hardy, but Jeff catches him and powerbombs him. Jeff does his fancy Russian leg sweep pin dealy for 2 and goes for the T.O.F., but John shoves out of it, only to be hit with the whisper in the wind, or W.I.T.W., for another 2. Jeff goes up again but gets caught with a fancy kick for 2. Morrison goes for the moonlight drive but Hardy counters to a facebuster and follows it with a swanton bomb for the win.

Really good match, though all the arm work kind of felt generic and pointless. Jeff has like 3 or 4 finishers and he only really uses his arms for one of them, and both men are more foot based in their attacks anyway so I didn't get the strategy at all, but whatever.

Jeff Hardy pinned John Morrison


Umaga vs Funaki

Umaga, apparently high on patriotic zeal, beats the holy fuck out of Funaki, that shifty eyed foreigner. What's that? Funaki is from Texas? Oh, then I guess Umaga is just crazy. Samoan spike, the end. Total squash, as one would've guessed.
Hey, I'd rather watch a savage Samoan over a stoic Russian any day, so no complaints from me.

Umaga pinned Funaki


Edge is in the back, sharing his frustrations with the Rmy, until someone informs him that Vickie would like a word with him in the office. Edge says she wouldn't have anything without him and he is the REAL general manager. She throws him out and locks the door. Say it isn't so!


4th of July Fatal Fourway match for the United States Championship:
Matt Hardy (champion) vs Ken Kennedy vs Chavo Guerrero w/Bam Kneely vs Shelton Benjamin

I gotta say that after the week WWE title holders have been having, I don't like Matt's odds of leaving with his belt.

Chavo and Matt pair off for some brawling, as does Shelton and Ken. Kennedy bodyslams Shelton and Matt suplexes Chavo onto his prone body. Hardy and Kennedy face off, with Ken getting the better of him and stomping a mud hole before Chavo attacks. Kennedy reverses an Irish whip and sends Guerrero to the corner before delivering clotheslines to both men. Shelton pops out of nowhere and kicks Ken in the head before punishing Matt with a backbreaker.

Chavo cuts Shelton down with flying headscissors but gets caught with a big face first drop. Benjamin goes for a powerbomb, but Chavo counters to a sunset flip, which Shelton reverses to a pin of his own, but Hardy joins in the fun and gets a sunset on him. Kennedy runs over to attempt a pin on Matt. J.R. rightfully proclaims that this match is difficult to call. Side effect on Chavo! Kennedy roll on Shelton! Double clothesline spot for the good guys! Commercials for everyone!

Back from, with Kennedy whuppin' on Shelton and Chavo while Matt is recovering from something on the outside. Back body drop on Chavo for 2! Matt looks to come off the top, but Kennedy goes up to catch him. Shelton comes over to do the superplex/powerbomb thing and Chavo gets 2 counts on everybody. Shelton hits the exploder on Chavo and goes for the win, but Chavo gets his foot on the rope, thanks to Bam. Chavo gets the three amigos on Matt and hits the frogsplash but Kennedy breaks up the count just in time.

After sending Kennedy to the outside, Chavo stalks Matt but eats a twist of fate. Shelton breaks it up with a big leg drop that hits Chavo and gets tossed back out by Matt. Kennedy and Hardy fight over who gets to pin Chavo, and Matt ends up tossing him out of the ring. Shelton shows up and gets T.O.F.'d right onto Chavo, who Matt finally pins to retain his gold. Cool! I really thought Matt was going to lose, which I would've understood, but wouldn't have been crazy about, and the match was sweet, so there you go.

Matt Hardy pinned Chavo Guerrero


Edge comes out now for the main event gabfest. He says he was the victim of two cowardly attacks on Monday, and as a result he is no longer champ. Tell us something we don't already know, dude! He will be a champion again once the GAB rolls around though. He's pissed at Hawkins, Ryder and most especially, Vickie. Edge gets set to dish on her but Vickie comes out to prevent him from airing dirty laundry. An irate Vickie screeches at him for being a jerk. Edge leaves the ring and makes his way up the ramp towards her. He has one last statement: THE WEDDING IS OFF! The crowd pops and Vickie freaks out as we go off the air.

The Dope:
Good to great matches, interesting plot developments...what the fuck? For the most part, this is not the Smackdown I've grown accustomed to yawning through every week, that's for sure. This played more like a pretty good episode of RAW, especially with the show bookended by talkie bits, and fairly good ones at that.

Probably because they've been reading this column every week, "The E" has obviously introduced some seismic shifts into the hum drum product and as a result, I'm actually NOT dreading next week's show. Besides Hunter and Edge, and I suppose, Natalya and Michelle, nobody on the show is in a program right now and that leaves a lot of possibilities open for everybody. I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of the summer has in store for the "B" show. Can we still even call it that anymore?

C U Next Time