411’s WWE Raw Report 7.07.08

We open with clips of last Monday’s CM Punk-related shenanigans.

Stephanie McMahon says it is more vital than ever for everyone to work together and she implores WWE employees to all work as one.

Welcome to the Raw Report! I’m Dan Wilcox and Raw starts now.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are our hosts.

Vickie Guerrero is in the ring. Major heat for her, and it requires several loud shrills of “EXCUSE ME!” to shut them up. Her name is Vickie Guerrero and she is General Manager of SmackDown. Tonight, she is here to protest CM Punk becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. She will not leave the ring until CM Punk surrenders the title to her. In addition, she demands an apology.

CM Punk is here now. He shoves the title in her face, with a huge grin on his face. How dare he celebrate. Massive “CM Punk” chants now. How dare he celebrate after he unfairly took advantage of a helpless Edge and stole the Heavyweight Championship. Edge’s world is falling apart; he even called off their wedding. Punk has to be honest, he has no sympathy about her and Edge so she can cry and use that lovely voice of hers but he probably did them a favour. He won MITB and last week he saw a great opportunity and what goes around comes around. Vickie says there is a difference, and that’s that Edge’s opponent at the time was not getting married. Punk tells her to chillax. He knows she’s upset but there’s plenty of other fish in the sea. There’ll be someone else to pretend to fall in love with her to get that power. SmackDown is full of young good-looking guys, like The Great Khali. They could honeymoon in New Delhi. She gets up and slaps him, so Punk starts to wheel her out of the ring when…

JBL is out. He says Punk just brought himself a one-way ticket to the end of his title reign because if it weren’t for the interference last week, JBL would be world champion. Today, he will live here world champion because he’s challenging Punk right now. If Mr. McMahon were here… Punk points out that Vince isn’t here and JBL had his shot and he lost. JBL says he didn’t lose anything and Punk was saved because one man has a personal vendetta…

John Cena is here now! He says we don’t play the blame game here and for once he should shut his mouth and listen to the new champion, CM Punk. Cena congratulates Punk, and Punk thanks him. Cena says technically, no one is in charge. Cena wants to figure this out like a bunch of men. The Great American Bash is in two weeks and Punk needs a challenger. There are two of us, and it doesn’t take a genius to work out what comes next: Cena vs. JBL tonight, with the winner going to The Bash.

Batista is out! “Hi guys!” He congratulates Punk and says he deserves to be world champion. He also wants to say “hi” to Vickie Guerrero, his good friend. He forgives her and is heart broken to hear her life is falling apart. Oh, he’s just kidding, he can’t stand her. He points out that Punk cashed in after Batista did the work, JBL cuts him off and Batista threatens to punch him. Cena calms things down and has an idea. Instead of a one-on-one match, tonight, John Cena vs. JBL vs. Batista with the winner being crowned number one contender. JBL isn’t satisfied. JBL says he is running things, and he does not approve. Cena proposes Batista vs. Cena and JBL tells them to wait, and he says he is in, but if they gang up on him…

Kane is here! He wants in too. Punk says tonight we’ll have ourselves a fatal-four way. He wishes them luck and leaves and we get a four-way staredown.

Rey Mysterio vs. Santino Marella

Santino shoves Rey but Mysterio fires off with rights and snaps off a tilt-a-whirl headscissors takedown. Santino blocks a hurricanrana attempts and slams Rey down and beats on him for a 1 count, and another. Boots now by Santino, followed up by the saluting headbutt. Santino applies a clutch now but can’t get the submission, comes down across the back and reapplies the hold. Rey counters and sends Santino onto the ropes, tries for the 619 but gets caught with a clothesline. Rey ducks a right, kicks to the face and gets a knockdown, followed by a double stomp for 2. Rey springboards into a seated senton, then dropkicks Marella onto the ropes! 619! The Mexican Missile (top rope splash) gets 3!

Winner: Rey Mysterio *

CM Punk is in the back with T-Grish. A light falls into camera shot and a production guy bitches at someone because “we’re live, idiot!” OK. Snitsky interrupts. He was drafted to Raw last year and he didn’t get a title shot. Punk doesn’t deserve the title. Punk says they’ll settle it in the ring tonight.

Mickie James and John Cena chat. Kelly Kelly is here. She’s the newest Raw Diva. Cena asks how she got here. Did Teddy Long let her out of her contract? She didn’t know they had contracts. OK.

Mickie James and Kelly Kelly vs. Layla and Jillian

Jillian sings Britney Spear’s “Ooops, I Did It Again.” And still, no one knows how Kelly got to Raw, but I’m not going to complain. James and Jillian star, lock up. James cartwheels out of a wrist lock and gets a headlock takeover, then kips up out of a headscissors. Kick to the gut by Jillian, but she soon suffers a dropkick to the knees and then a low one to the face. Heel kick to the gut, and Kelly sunset flips in for 2. She nails a delayed headscissors then gets 2 off of a hurricanrana. Forerarms by Kelly, then she gets back dropped to the apron but holds on until Layla shoves her to the floor. Jillian rolls her back in and tosses her around by the hair, for 2. Jillian applies an awkward looking bow and arrow until Kelly sort of powers out, only to get taken down again. Jillian fires off with mounted forearms. Slap in the corner by Jillian, but she handsprings into a victory rolls for 3!

Winners: Kelly Kelly and Mickie James **

Kelly Kelly is getting really crips with the few moves she does, and I greatly admire her will to improve. She’s already incredibly athletic so she has that going for her, as well as the BEST SMILE EVER.

JBL’s limo is out now. JBL comes out of his own accord, and his limo is locked. John Cena pops out. Last week, Cena was thrown out of the building for JBL’s protection. He said for his protection, he brought his limo out here because this limo wouldn’t pass inspection, but luckily, Cena knows a couple of guys. Cryme Tyme are here. The state of Louisiana doesn’t allow you to drive a limo that does not have a passenger-side mirror. JTG knocks the limo’s passenger-side mirror off, and now it doesn’t have one. Genius. This goes on, they smash the windscreen, and the illegal tinted windows. Funny moment as Shad repeatedly misses the back window. Hey, custom paint job courtesy of Cryme Tyme! Cena sprays “JBL is poopy” on the front hood. Glorious.

We get more clips of Punk’s win last week.

CM Punk vs. Snitsky

Lock up, and Punk gets overpowered but Snitsky runs into an elbow and takes some kicks, then runs into a boot. Punk gets caught coming off the second rope and dumped in the corner and Snitsky boots him in the corner. Scoop slam now by Snitsky, followed by an elbow drop for 2. Bear hug now, because Lord knows you need a rest hold after a whole minute of action. Punk elbows out but runs into a reverse elbow. Punk avoids a leg drop, knots up the thighs, ducks a clothesline and nails an enzuigiri. Springboard clothesline connects and now Punk hits the running knee/bulldog combo. Snitsky is up, but Punk hits the GO2SLEEP and we’re done!

Winner: CM Punk 1/2*

Shawn Michaels walks~! We get a video package of his feud with Chris Jericho.

Shawn Michaels is here. Last week, Jericho challenged him to a match at The Bash. Injury or no injury, he has two words for him: I accept. Chris Jericho is out, complete with shadow AKA Lance Cade. They exchange sweet nothings once they hit the ring. Jericho says he knew Shawn would accept the challenge because evn though the eye is worse than he’s letting on, his ego superceeds his concerns about his health. Jericho points out all the beatings Shawn has been taking and says he’s really hurt and yet he still accepted the challenge and why? Because win or lose, he’s still the injured legend who pulls out all the stops who gives another memorable performance for the fans. He thinks Shawn wants to be a martyr, and for what? The fans? Will they visit them in the hospital, will they pay for his kids educations and pay his mortgage? The fans are oblivious and asleep, not like Jericho and Cade. Be careful what you wish because all martyrs are swept under the carpet and forgotten. Shawn smiles and says that’s it. He thought Y2J despised him because he was a liar but Jericho knows he Shawn could leave the business today and be remembered forever. Jericho says these people gives HBK a free pass and it’s not right. It’s not fair. Shawn says he’s right, and he understands how Jericho feels because Y2J is the epitome of success and he’s done everything but still, he’s not content and he’s here to tell him in spite of all of his accomplishments, Chris Jericho will never be Shawn Michaels.

That was a tremendous segment, and much better promo work from Jericho than he’s done the last two weeks. Having someone to work off seems to benefit him.

Charlie Haas vs. Kofi Kingston

Go behind by Haas into a side headlock, which Kofi gets out of only to take a knockdown. Kofi comes back and gets a nice hip toss only to run in to clubbing blows and a big right hand. Kofi sets early and gets caught with more clubbering blows and a boot. Vicious knees to the head now by Haas followed by a snapmare and a kick to the back, that gets 2. Haas grounds Kofi with a chinlock as the fans get behind Kofi. That allows him to fight his way to his feet, elbow out of the hold but fall victime to another boot and jabs. Kingston fights back and hits a springboard crossbody and a dropkick. BIG leg drop now by Kofi, followed by the Trouble In Paradise and that’s that.

Winner: Kofi Kingston *1/4

Paul Burchill drills Kofi from behind with the Twisted Sister, then hits the Curb Stomp!

In the back, Batista gets ready for his match, and some little guy mocks his pose in front of the camera, only to be chased off. OK.

Lilian Garcia is your hero, and if she’s not, what the hell is wrong with you?

Number One Contender’s Match: John Poopy Layfield vs. Kane vs. Batista vs. John Cena

Cena and Poopy go right after each other and JBL floors Cena with a boot. Kane and Cena then pair off as Batista tosses JBL to the floor as we go to break. When we come back, Kane drills Cena with an elbow and Batista is choking out JBL. Upper cuts to Cena now by Kane as JBL takes control over Batista with a clothesline. SPINEBUSTER TO JBL! Kane pulls Batista off and hits a CHOKESLAM, but Cena breaks that pin up. Cena counters a chokeslam and gets Kane up for the FU but JBL drills Cena with a big boot, then Kane and JBL big boot each other at the same time. Cena ducks a JBL clothesline and VINATGE CENA with the throwback. FU on Batista! That’s broken up by JBL and we’re going to another break. We come back and Cena nails a PROTOPLEX on JBL. You Can’t See Me. The Shuffle is interrupted by a Kane clothesline. Batista and Kane slug it out now and Batista takes out JBL for fun, then clotheslines Kane. SPINEBUSTER to Cena! He turns around into a Clothesline From Hell! STFU on JBL! Goozle on Cena! Goozle on JBL. They break his grip, knock Kane down and then slug it out between them. Cena and JBL to the floor and JBL tosses Cena into the steps. In the ring, Kane counters the Bomb and tosses Batista into the ringpost. JBL has the steel steps and BLASTS Cena with them! Kane beats him into the crowd with uppercuts. Kane goes back in and heads up top, but Batista ducks and SPEARS Kane! That gets 3!

Winner: Batista **3/4

We get replays as Batista celebrates.

Kane is pissed and goes to the floor, where he flips over some steps. He screams at the announcers “is he alive or dead?” He boots some camera guy, scares Lilian away and then tosses the timekeeper to the floor. Kane grabs Michael Cole, he wants to know if “he is alive or dead?” Kane tosses Cole in the ring. Lawler removes his headset but doesn’t help out. CHOKESL-No! Chop block by Lawler. Cole escapes but Kane has King. Rights to Lawler. “You think it’s funny?” Kane boots him in the head and leaves.