The RAWtopsy 7.07.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.08.2008

Wacky Raw title of the week: "Is he alive or dead?"

by J.D. Dunn

July 7, 2008

Live from New Orleans, La.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Stephanie McMahon asks everyone to pull together and have a great show.

Vickie Guerrero is in the ring to protest CM Punk's title win last week. She wants the title back and an apology. She blames Punk for the break up of her relationship. Hey, he's CM Punk, not Madonna. Punk says he has no sympathy and tells her she can now take up with the Great Khali. Punk is about to wheel her ass out, but JBL comes down and complains about the illegal interference in their match – which was not in the ring or anything so his gripe is actually kinda humorous. John Cena comes out and says they should have a good old-fashioned #1 contender's match. Batista makes nice with Vickie before telling her to pancake her ass on out of the arena. He's in too. Finally, Kane also throws his hat in the ring, metaphorically speaking, so it's a Fatal Four-way. Things we learned from the segment – 1) John Cena thinks JBL sounds like Yosemite Sam. 2) The WWE must produce a Vickie Guerrero shirt that reads: EXCUSE ME!

Rey Mysterio vs. Santino Marella.
Santino comes up with the most bizarre counter I've ever seen – covering his face and letting Rey run past him. Rey punts Santino to counter a backdrop and then gives him the Kevin Sullivan doublestomp. The springboard senton sets up the 619, and Rey finishes with a flying splash at 2:55. This was just here to say, "Hey, Rey's on Raw now. Here's what to expect." *

CM Punk tries to tell us who he wants to face at the Bash, but a lamp nearly falls on him. Jeez, John McCain's base isn't that shaky. Snitsky comes in and challenges Punk. Why bother with the four-way – all you have to do is hang out backstage until it's interview time.

Backstage, Mickie James and John Cena are just hanging out, talkin' 'bout New Orleans. Kelly Kelly pops in and announces she's on Raw now because Teddy Long doesn't do contracts.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall & Layla.
The babyface team is brought to you by Crest Whitestrips. Did Michael Cole just say Layla came over in the "supplemental draft" or the "supple nipple draft?" Cuz, you know… either way. Jillian takes Mickie down into a headscissors, but Mickie gets all Tiger Mask on her with the escapes. Kelly, who just got done with a Motley Crue video from the look of her wrestling gear, comes in and does a lot of headscissors. That's gotta be like the first thing you learn in Diva camp. Layla contributes to the match by knocking Kelly off the apron… and that's about it… other than the ass. Can't forget that. Back in, Jillian tries a handspring elbow, but Kelly counters to a victory roll at 3:30. I look for Layla to be paired up with Santino sometime down the road. 3/4*

JBL's limo arrives, but he runs out from behind the curtain. Turns out Cena is in the limo with Cryme Tyme. Apparently, they were watching Porky's on the DVD player because Cena claims JBL will be cited by the police for having no passenger-side mirror (which JTG breaks), no windshield ventilation (which Shad ventilates) and a poor tint job (which both members of Cryme Tyme rectify). They also give the limo a new paint job. Cena spray paints "CTC" on the hood, which tells all of us who are down that he loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Remember when it turned out that Bob and Quello were having a homosexual love affair? That's why Wendell is the only CTC mascot left. The cereal business is a cutthroat industry, and in no company were more jugulars slit than General Mills. Okay, I could seriously wax psychotic about cereal rumors all night, so let's get back to Raw before you learn the real story about Snap, Crackle and Blam. Blam crossed Pop, and if there's one thing you don't do, it's cross Pop. Anyway, JBL (who is "poopy" according to Cena) is not happy with the state of his limo.

Non-Title: CM Punk vs. Snistky.
Snitsky, who is not brought to you by Crest Whitestrips, pounds Punk down in the corner. The crowd gets bored early. Punk is the Barack Obama of Raw right now – people don't quite know what to make of him, so he has to solidify the image of who he is (his "brand," if you will) early. Standing back while everyone else makes his match for him and selling a jobber's bearhug aren't the greatest ways to do that. Punking out Vickie Guerrero is, though. Punk hits an enzuigiri and an awkward Go2Sleep at 2:50. 1/4*

Shawn Michaels comes out to accept Chris Jericho's challenge of a match. Jericho says he's sick of Michaels getting a free pass. Shawn tells him that Jericho may have won all the titles and sold out arenas, but he won't have true inner peace until he embraces Xenu. He also reminds Jericho that he will never be Shawn. So, presumably Cade costs Shawn the match leading to a match between pupil and student?

Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas.
We have a Charlie Haas sighting. Apparently, his work in the telecommunications industry didn't pan out. He grounds the match early with the chancery. Kofi comes back with the flying kick and, well, Kofi's usual. Kofi seems too young to have a "usual." Trouble in Paradise finishes at 3:18. Charlie don't seem to have the rhythm. 3/4*

After the match, Paul Burchill attacks Kofi from behind and curbstomps him.

In the back, some guy runs in while Batista is warming up, mocks his entrance, and gets chased off by security.

Four-way Contender's Match: John Cena vs. Batista vs. John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Kane.
We take an immediate break at the start of the match and come back to Kane trying to rip Cena's face off. Batista spinebusters JBL for two but gets chokeslammed. Cena saves and goes for the FU on Kane, but JBL boots Cena in the face. JBL and Kane then boot each other. Cena is up first and hits the Throwback on Kane. VINTAGE CENA! Cena FUs Batista, but JBL saves on the pin. We come back from another break to Cena hitting the backdrop. Kane apparently can see Cena because he cuts off his Five-Knuckle Shuffle. Batista suddenly hulks up and starts destroying things like a Raw production assistant. Kane breaks up the STFU and tries to double chokeslam Cena & JBL. Great expression from JBL. Hey, he really *is* poopy. They break it up and shoulderblock him down. Cena and JBL fall to the floor and brawl. Cena gets sent into the steps. Inside, Batista misses a charge and posts his own shoulder. Kane goes out to hand out some punishment and comes back in but gets speared by Batista at 12:29. Batista move on to the Bash. Not bad, but most of it seemed to take place during commercials. **3/4

After the match, Kane gets pissed and accosts Michael Cole, asking him "Is he dead?" Cole doesn't answer, so Kane drags him into the ring. Kane asks again, "IS HE ALIVE OR DEAD?!" Cole freaks out and screams that he doesn't know. Jesus Christ, Michael, just pick one! You got a fifty-fifty shot at what he wants to hear! Kane is about to chokeslam Cole, but Lawler clips his leg to make the save. Kane takes out his frustrations on Lawler as we go off the air. "Is it safe?!" The obvious answer to "he" is the Undertaker, but there's no reason to think he'd be dead. He just walked out this time, and even when he's lit on fire, buried and hit with an axe he comes back stronger. The other suggestion is Vince McMahon, meaning that Kane was responsible for the accident and doesn't know if Vince is alive or dead. Another possibility is Paul Bearer. He was last seen being buried in cement (we're assuming his ROH history is not canonical). I'd also suggest veteran comedian-actor Jack Klugman. I can never remember either.


The 411: Batista is the right choice here because he was the guy responsible for Punk's title win in the first place. Hopefully, they play off that in the sly way Batista is best at when he alludes to something but doesn't come right out and say it. Considering Punk's name on the title belt looked like it was written on masking tape with a Sharpie, I think there's at least a possibility Batista could go over, leading to a change in Punk's character. Or Punk retains and goes on to face Cena at Summerslam. Either way works for me. Plus, we get Shawn/Jericho III. Good times.