The High-Impact Chronicle 7.10.08

Posted by Owain J. Brimfield on 07.12.2008

...And Kong is no longer Awesome.

I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for - Moose, who suffered a horrendous broken leg (well, not quite Sid standards, but still pretty nasty) after racking up a few big wins on past Impacts, or Kurt Angle, who is once again starting to be forced back into goofball mode at the hands of last week's Russo-riffic dating skits. Why don't we turn attentions back to the X Cup this week? A man can dream.

We open with a video package promoting the upcoming LAX / Beer Money title match. Beer Money rules the wrestling world, but letting your number one contenders lose two matches in one night doesn't exactly bode well. Apparently tonight we're set for a:

"Victory Road Drive-By"

Well, it beats "Bimbo Brawl". We're straight to the back where Homicide and Robert Roode are beating the crap out of each other in a sanctioned parking lot brawl. Homicide cracks a trash can over Roode's head - Roode, incidentally, is perhaps the least-appropriately dressed participant in a backlot brawl since Goldust took on Roddy Piper. Roode fights back and pounds a lead pipe over 'Cide's back and shoves him into a dumpster. Homicide comes back with a road sign and goes for the vertebreaker (!), but a masked man intercepts and pounds down on Homicide... it's James Storm in a LAX gang member get-up. For some reason there are referees out here but they seem pretty powerless. Beer Money handcuff Homicide and lead him out to the ringside area to continue the beatdown. Last Call for Homicide and the belt whuppin' commences... here comes Hernandez, finally, to clear house. Border Toss attempt but Beer Money fights out and gets the advantage, briefly, until Supermex [cough] gets the belt and the bad guys bail. An entertaining little brawl and although Beer Money still don't quite look like credible contenders to the tag titles, they've managed to retain their heat quite admirably, and frankly they're such a fun team I'm quite happy for them to get this amount of exposure.

Post-match, we get a glimpse of Sting in the rafters once again. Well, they have to justify his exorbitant contract somehow. Surely at this point in his career, though, the only thing he can be good for is putting over Joe as a credible champion.

World X Cup 2nd round match: Masato Yoshino vs. Doug Williams

Williams brings a Union Jack flag to the ring, and if I'm not mistaken he has it upside down. Patriotic. Tenay puts Williams over as a submission expert as Yoshino takes control with a big spinning headscissors and a sprinting suicide dive to the outside. Back into the ring and Williams takes Yoshino down with a jumping knee. Slam and another knee gets two. This is quite an interesting clash of styles, actually. Gutwrench suplex gets another near fall for Williams. Yoshino manages to fight back and comes off the top with a hard missile dropkick for two and a half. Yoshino with a spinning armbar takedown and the momentum is on his side. This is supposedly a heel vs. heel match, but the crowd seems quite firmly in Yoshino's corner, given that he's about half Williams' size. Yoshino up top but Williams follows him up and hits a big double underhook suplex. Powerbomb attempt reversed into a pinning predicament for two. Yoshino dropkicks Williams to the corner, but Williams goes behind and hits the Chaos Theory (a SWANK rolling German suplex) for the win. Like last week's match ups, a short contest, but this one didn't seem rushed and Williams looked quite impressive in his debut. Apparently there's call for him to stay in TNA after the X Cup, and while Alex Koslov would be my first choice, Williams would be a good second bet to add something a little different to the midcard. Team International leapfrogs Team TNA at the bottom of the table.

To the back and Kurt Angle is yelling at the Beautiful People for treating every day as a beauty contest. Angelina calls the crowd marks, and Kurt claims he has a reputation as a bad-ass. Funny, wasn't this the guy who last week was calling a woman with a bowel problem "Mrs. Poopy Pants"? Kurt leaves, and Angelina and Velvet brown bag JB for getting a little too aroused in their company. You can't really blame the poor guy.

To Sonjay Dutt's yoga class (er?), where he apparently is teaching the mini-gurus how to be a dirty, dirty man. Petey Williams shows up briefly for no discernible reason. Suddenly Black Machismo rushes in and beats Sonjay down, dumping his balls on the Guru in the process. But the guru-ites form a human shield as Sonjay claims he'll be setting Val free. What a completely random segment that was, as Machismo and Dutt continue to have one of the weakest feuds of the year so far. Can we not just get them in the ring, please?

To the back, where Lauren is asking young Taylor (now called Taylor Wilde) how she feels about facing Kong later on the show. She seems pretty nervous on the mic, but I probably would too if I was about to be sodomized by Awesome Kong. Figuratively speaking, of course.

A video for the six-man fan stipulation match at Victory Road, and I really can't see anyone not choosing a Full Metal Mayhem match. It's not a gimmick match that TNA tends to overuse, and with the exception of Brokedown Angle, the participants are all pretty well versed in those sorts of stipulations, so I'm quite looking forward to it.

TNA Rough Cut with Matt Morgan continues, as Matt talks about his love for the sport, and Jimmy Cornette calls him the blueprint of a perfect athlete while Kurt Angle puts him over as a potential big star. These shorts continue to be excellent, and the quasi-"shoot" style is genuinely appealing. Unfortunately, it's quickly spoiled as Kip James' music hits and I feel a sudden urge to vacate my bowels.

Falls Count Anywhere match: Kip James, Petey Williams & Tomko vs. BG James, Eric Young & Matt Morgan

You could scour the TNA roster for a long time and I don't think you'd come up with a more random match than this one. Calling this a "tag" match is a bit of a misnomer given the stipulation. It breaks down pretty quickly, and Morgan and Kip are left in the ring. Morgan goes Old School with his 'Taker tribute, but Tomko breaks the pin and tosses Morgan. Everyone brawls around the ringside, and Morgan is tossed into the barrier, almost flattening a kid in a wheelchair. Awesome. Talk about your potential embarrassing lawsuits. Morgan tosses Williams (still wearing the Vader-esque protective mask for his fragile face) around like a sack of shit and flattens Tomko with a bicycle kick, but Petey breaks the pin. Goozle to Petey but Kip fights him off, and finally BG and Eric enter the fray, as BG goes to work on Kip.

Mike Tenay: "This is the match up that we were waiting for!"

I really can't think of anything right with that statement. Does Tenay not remember Lockdown? Eric tosses Petey into the crowd and they brawl up the bleachers, and Petey locks in the sharpshooter on the steps! BG and Kip follow them up as Tomko gets a two count on Morgan on the entrance ramp. Kip and BG fight back over the railing and Kip gets the world's weakest Fame-asser on BG on the ramp, but the pin gets broken up. In the ring, Eric goes for the Death Valley Driver on Petey, reversed into a Canadian Destroyer attempt, reversed again by EY into a wheelbarrow, and Eric launches Petey into the air and hits a neckbreaker on the way down. Tomko breaks the pin but gets sent to the outside; Eric goes to follow up with a suicide dive but Tomko canes him with a lead pipe on the way down. Petey leaps over the top with a rana on Eric for the win. Pretty much the definition of disjointed, but when the action was concentrated on the ring it was decent. Curious why they didn't give Matt Morgan the win here though. Might we see Young as the next X Division title challenger? It'd be a good match, but EY works a lot better in the challenger role rather than the champion.

Post-match, Tomko and Petey set up for a beat down on Eric, but Abyss makes the save and clears the ring. Abyss picks up the lead pipe, but changes his mind and drops it like a moist jockstrap. Perhaps he's been cured of violence! Wouldn't that be something, eh folks.

TNA Knockout Championship match: Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde

Kong wastes no time in powering Taylor around, but Taylor hops on Kong's back and unleashes a flurry of fists. Kong shoves her off but runs into a dropkick, but Saeed trips the challenger to derail the Taylor train. Roxxi heads down to ringside to even the odds. And yes, we're now going to a break, about forty seconds into the match.

We get a nice, albeit, lengthy, music video promoting the Slammiversary DVD release, set to the sounds of a band who is trying waaaay too hard to be Alice In Chains. We're back to the match and, surprise surprise, Kong is dominating, standing on Taylor's face in the corner then flattening her with a running body check. I always wondered why Kong doesn't just sit on her opponent's face to get the win. I guess that wouldn't make for compelling TV though... well, maybe for a certain niche group of people. Kong hits a slam and goes to the second rope, but misses with a BIG (and surprisingly aesthetically pleasing) splash. Taylor comes off the top with a missile dropkick to the face that gets an extremely close near fall. Kong no-sells some kicks and tries for the Awesome Bomb, but Taylor floats over and dodges the sit-out. Another dropkick to Kong gets two and three quarters, and the crowd is actually quite buying the threat to the champion here. Kong throws down the ref, as Taylor hits a crossbody and pushes Kong over the prone ref for another close count. Taylor off the ropes but she runs into a HUGE Implant Buster for the wi.... she kicks out! Kong is livid and goes for another Awesome Bomb, Taylor fights it off and dodges the spinning backfist, and gets the roll up... and gets three! Good god, we have a new Knockout's champion, and the crowd is LOVING it. Kong is in complete disbelief and Taylor looks pretty stunned too. You know, if they had left out the commercial break, this would have been one of the best women's matches in Impact history, purely for the last few minutes and the reaction to Taylor's win. Some may question having the title change hands on TV after the build up to Taylor's challenge, but I'm guessing we'll see Kong demand a rematch at Victory Road, and given a little more time and no breaks these two could put on a similar quality to match to the Kong/Gail Kim title contests.

To the back and JB is with Team TNA, questioning Kaptain Kaz about his team's motivation, but Kaz is not going to let TNA down. Those Curry Man t-shirts look brilliant, I might have to get me one of those. Alex Shelley is looking slightly bored here.

World X Cup 2nd round match: Ultimo Guerrero vs. Kaz

"U-S-A" chants to start, because the Impact Zone is feeling both original and tolerant this evening. Guerrero takes Kaz down and they do the obligatory reversal sequence until Kaz takes control with a series of hip tosses. Guerrero goes up top and Kaz quickly follows him, but gets powered down to the mat via a stalling front suplex. Team TNA is out to cheer Kaz on and they're really playing up the "Kaz must win" aspect of this. Guerrero knocks Kaz down in the corner, headstand on the turnbuckle and then drops down into Kaz's face, which gets two. Guerrero sets Kaz on the top again and hits a big reverse suplex for two and three quarters. Kaz manages to gain some momentum with a thrust kick and some clotheslines, and a spin kick combo gets two. Tenay informs us that Ultimo Guerrero's name translates as "The Last Warrior", which sounds way cooler to me. Kaz snaps Guerrero's neck off the ropes and goes for a springboard move, but trips and falls on his face (he probably slipped on the sheer amount of baby oil on Guerrero's chest). They fight back up to the top rope, Kaz goes for a big rana but Guerrero catches him and hits a HUGE jumping power bomb for two and a half. Guerrero misses a moonsault and runs into the Wave of the Future which gets the win for Kaz. Team TNA joins Team Mexico on 3 points, while Teams International and Japan have 2 apiece. A solid contest, not as good as the 1st round tag matches by any stretch, but a lot stronger than last week's meager offerings. TNA really just needs to find the right balance to the get the length of ring action for these contests. Both men came out looking strong, and the standings are as even as you'd have predicted at the outset by this stage in the X Cup.

To the back where AJ Styles is pimpin' it with ODB, Gail Kim and Lauren ready for tonight's main event. AJ delivers the respect to his partners for the evening, and Gail promises an unforgettable wrestling lesson. ODB calls the Beautiful People bimbos, which again makes us question why Moose's gimmick was "I Hate Bimbos". Continuity, people.

TNA is still ramming "Cross the Line" down our throats, by the way.

Jimmy E. is here to confirm the Kong/Taylor rematch for Victory Road. Predictable? Yes. Enjoyable? Most certainly.

To the back and the Beautiful People are tanning in preparation for their big match. Kurt, again, is not best pleased with this.

Kurt Angle: "Screw your boobs!"

There are many things right with that statement.

Back to the ring and here comes Pimp T to deliver a public apology to Samoa Joe. And what a surprise, the apology turns out to be along the lines of "I'm sorry I'm going to kick your ass". Can someone please explain to me what a "poo-putt" is? It's an amusing term, but only because it's a funny combination of words. The T queries who Joe has ever beaten, and lists among his own conquests Rick Martel, Steve Austin, Chris Jericho, and Racial Persecution. Just kidding about the last one. Joe claims the only thing The T will be sorry about is speaking to him with bass in his voice... here comes Sting again, and he's actually here this time, not just chilling out in the roof. Unfortunately, I didn't catch what he had to say because my housemate started doing the hoovering right outside my door. I'm sure it wasn't of too much import, though.

The last video of the Angelina/Gail feud. Angelina is getting less attractive each week, but these little interviews are still good quality, even if they will have been Scott D'Amore's last work for TNA.

The Beautiful People & Kurt Angle vs. ODB, Gail Kim & AJ Styles

ODB and Angelina kick off, and ODB immediately gets the fallaway slam. Velvet and Gail tag in, Gail scores with a few clotheslines and a springboard armdrag, and Velvet tags out to Kurt. AJ comes in too. Velvet and Angelina pat Kurt on the should for encouragement, which surely counts as a tag, but let's not get picky. Kurt takes control with an armlock but AJ fights back with a slam and a kneedrop for two. Angle with a stiff European uppercut but AJ gets the leapfrog dropkick deal to take control, as Frank Trigg and Karen Angle head down to ringside for potential shenanigans.

Back from the break and Kurt is in control with a body scissors on AJ. AJ reverses an Angle Slam into a DDT and they're both down. They slug it out and AJ gets the better of Kurt with a series of clotheslines and a Pele, which I do believe came out of nowhere. AJ sets up for the Styles Clash but Kurt backdrops him out and AJ lands pretty nastily, and they hit the double clothesline ready for the hot tags to Velvet and ODB. All the ladies come in anyway and the faces take control, with a double flapjack on Angelina, and Gail slams Velvet onto Angelina. AJ flies over the top with a somersault plancha onto Kurt as Gail hits Velvet with the cutthroat neckbreaker for the win. I assume we're going to get Team 3D out to do the post-match beatdown here. The heels get sneaky, but Karen lowblows her husband. However, Trigg comes in and takes AJ down as Kurt locks in the ankle lock and the Beautiful People brownbag Gail. No 3D though. Meh, a by-the-numbers pre-PPV TV main event that served its purpose and little more. Trigg's snap fireman carry on AJ looked very crisp, at least.


In closing... this week's Impact, HOT or NOT?

This episode of Impact hits a good 59 °C, while the build to Victory Road caps off at 52 °C.

Thanks to the absence of any godawful wacky skits this week, with the exception of the tiresome continuation of the Dutt/Lethal feud (seriously, just get them in the ring and I'm sure all the bad will that's been built up so far in this lame duck of a feud will evaporate), Impact was a fair chunk better than last week, and made for an enjoyable show. The X Cup action was solid and sets the PPV up well, the Taylor title win was well-done and quite memorable, and a couple of decent brawls and an average main event rounded out the show.

I completely missed the opportunity to get in on the 411 roundtable for Victory Road, even though Lansdell somehow found the time to co-ordinate the whole article as well as recapping Impact this week (hey, what can I say... some folks got it, some folks don't. I blame Lansdell's lack of social life, which I have just made up so's I don't look quite so bad) so let's take a look at the card here:

Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim
'Black Machismo' Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt
World X Cup 12-man Elimination Gauntlet
World X Cup Finals Ultimate X match
Probably a Full Metal Mayhem match: AJ Styles, Christian Cage & Rhino vs. Kurt Angle & Team 3D
TNA Knockout Championship match: Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome Kong
TNA Tag Team Championship match: LAX vs. Beer Money
TNA World Heavyweight Championship match: Samoa Joe vs. Booker T

Again, on paper this should be an excellent event. Oddly enough, I'm probably looking forward to the women's title match more than anything after Taylor's shock win this week, as Kong should be pissed enough to kill some bitches. The X Cup finals will no doubt be highly entertaining and everything's still on the line, Beer Money have been just that since their formation, and Full Metal Mayhem is bound to be a decent spotfest with those names involved. Oddly enough, it's almost as though the Joe/Booker match has had the weakest build, thanks to the constant interventions of Kevin Nash and now Sting. Joe still has a way to go to cement his reputation, as he still doesn't quite carry the aura of a big-time champion about him. My predictions, for what they're worth: Gail Kim, Sonjay Dutt, Team TNA, AJ/Cage/Rhino, Taylor Wilde, LAX, Samoa Joe.

Incidentally, in a bit of sad news for all my fans [coughcoughcough], changes in my lifestyle recently may threaten to derail this column. I'll keep you posted, cos I know you all enjoy reading 4,000 words worth of ill-timed humor and mediocre recap on a weekly basis. Wait, what?