411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report 07.13.08

Posted by Randy Harrison on 07.14.2008

The UWF makes it's triumphant return to ESPN Classic and since I'm a glutton for punishment and there were requests, I'll be covering these ones too. Bob Orton, Col. DeBeers, Ivan Koloff, and David Sammartino are all a click away!

I got a crack at one of these shows when I took over for Ryan Byers, who did a great job on them. It's what ended up leading to me covering the AWA shows that I do now, so I figured it would be fun to check these out when I saw them on the guide after a fan pointed it out in the comments of the AWA report. I'm not sure if these shows are weekly or not, but if they are, I'll have them up for you at the beginning of every week. Let's get to it!


411's UWF on ESPN Classic Report

Episode One

This opening is still terrible, even after not having seen it for months, and we're in the Memorial Auditorium in Spartanburg, South Carolina. Craig DeGeorge and John Tolos are the commentators for this one.


Match One: UWF Southern States Championship
The Midnight Star vs. Bob Orton (c)

Now, I'm a fan of Orton from the work I saw of him in the AWA in '87, but this is nearly five years later so things might not be quite as glowing in the end. That belt looks like a toy belt Orton picked up on his way to the arena and could very well be vinyl. They lockup and Orton pushes Star into the ropes before taking him down with what looks like an STO and he holds on with a head and armlock , moving to a straight chinlock. Star goes to the stomach with some shoulderblocks against the ropes but Orton just cuts him off with kneelift and a HARD right hand. Orton gets an interesting backbreaker variation on Star before grabbing a front facelock and riding him down to the mat. Come on Bob, start kicking some ass!! He works a neck crank on Star and turns it back into another reverse chinlock. Star manages to reverse and works a couple of knees and forearms before Irish whipping Orton in for a reverse elbow. I'm disgusted that Orton even had to sell that as I've hit children harder than Star hit Orton. Star moves to a neck crank of his own and Orton manages to get free of it but ends up on the bad end of an eyerake. Star "chokes" Orton across the second rope and gets a knee to the head before choking Orton in the corner. Irish whip into the corner and Orton takes the bump over the buckles into the post. Dazzling highspot. Orton reverses an Irish whip and sends Star into the corner, dragging him out for a short clothesline before putting some right hands in on Star. Irish whip into the ropes and Orton gets a big dropkick before whacking Star with a couple of forearms and some chops against the ropes. Orton Irish whips Star again and Star "falls out" through the ropes to the floor and tries to stall. Star tries to roll in but Orton's not having any of that shit, grabbing him and picking him up BY THE MASK to headbutt the bejeezus out of him on the apron. He tries to ram Star into the post but Star reverses it and runs Orton's head into the buckle before raking at his eyes. He tries to go up top but Orton catches him with a right hand and if you don't know what's coming next, you've never seen a Bob Orton match. He backs off for a running right hand and NOW HE HOOKS HIM UP!! SUPERPLEX AND IT'S 1-2-3!!!

Winner: Bob Orton (pinfall, superplex)

Match Analysis: Kind of weird to see Orton getting cheered by the crowd after knowing him as a heel for all of the years I watched him. It was a REALLY boring match that had way too many restholds, showing that even Orton didn't have a clue how to work as a face. He tried and it picked up when he did some of his heel offense like the repeated vicious headbutts, but the match just wasn't very good.


Match Two:
Jake Steele vs. Ivan Koloff w/Colenol Red

Red is a fatass in a white tuxedo with a top hat, which I guess makes him a colenol about as much as frying chicken did for Mr. Sanders. Plus his hair is blond, which makes me wonder what's red about him to have earned the moniker. Political views? Koloff whips his chain on the mat a few times to clear the ring and then Red grabs the microphone and tells everyone to "Shut their mouth, right now" in the hillbilliest accent I've ever heard. Of course the only thing more hillbilly than that is the rather robust 400-pound man outside the ring yelling at Red while sporting a nifty tie-dyed Daytona Speedway t-shirt. There are no words. Red continues to get the people to try to shut up as Koloff plays for more cheap heat with the "USA" chants from the crowd. Steele and Koloff finally lock up with Ivan getting a hammerlock but Steele turns it into a top wristlock. Koloff pulls the hair to reverse and puts Steele to the mat before they work a series of armbar reversals. Steele's male pattern baldness combined with his shoulder-length hair is a rather odd look in my opinion and is somewhat distracting. Steele drops a leg onto the arm and then goes to a short-arm scissors before the standing arm-wringer. Koloff takes over with a drop toehold into a headlock and we go to a commercial break.

Back from the break, Steele works his way out and reverses to a hammerlock as Koloff leans outside the ropes to break the hold. Steele tries to get the USA chant going again and works the standing arm-wringer but Koloff just shoots him into the corner. Koloff misses a charge and gets taken over with an armdrag takedown but Koloff gets a headscissors to reverse. Tolos on color talks about how Koloff is a big star and makes a Freudian slip saying that Koloff "drew big money" everywhere, while DeGeorge corrects him and tries to make it seem like he's still a draw. Koloff reverses the hammerlock to a top wristlock and the camera misses something as Steele ends up on his ass on the mat. Standing arm-wringer again from Steele but Koloff yanks the hair to break the hold. Steele with some right hands on Koloff in the corner and Koloff takes over with a kick to the gut and a couple of right hands, snap maring Steele over and hitting a legdrop. Nails raked across the back by Koloff and he gets a swinging neckbreaker for a two-count. BIG short clothesline from Koloff and it's another two-count. Koloff goes to the eyes as the referee and Colenol Red have about a five minute conversation outside the ring. Steele gets a POWERSLAM, but there's no referee to count as he and Red talk about good places to eat after the matches. Koloff gets himself the chain and WAFFLES Steele with it as the referee suggests that he and Red compare notes after the bout is over. Red agrees and sends the referee back to work, just in time to see Koloff get the pinfall on Steele and it's all over!

Winner: Ivan Koloff (pinfall, chain shot)

Match Analysis: Slow, slow, slow. Steele didn't look to be in terribly ring ready shape and Koloff was probably a spry fifty years old at this point. They did the best they could, but when you have the referee being distracted by the manager on the outside for what seemed like five minutes, that's a little too much suspension of belief for me. The right guy went over since Steele looked like he had nothing to give the promotion

Tolos needs to stop yelling on color commentary. He's seriously starting to give me a headache. We're promised "Tag Team Action with Wet and Wild" up next, and I wonder how ESPN Classic got access to my vast collection of pornography because I swear I have a movie with that exact title.


Match Three:
Wet and Wild (Steve Ray and Sonny Beach) vs. Johnny Kidd and Mike Myers

Beach's wetsuit ring attire still looks ridiculous. Ray hands out his ring jacket to some kid in the front row, and I'm sure that security will be getting that away from her soon after. Beach takes Myers over with a back bodrop into an armbar and he tags in Ray, who comes off the top rope with an elbow to the arm. Ray works the armbar and Irish whips Myers into the ropes, getting reversed and ducking under a Myers clothesline before sliding under the ropes to play to the crowd. Back inside and Ray works the armbar again, taking Myers over and dropping a couple of legdrops onto the arm. Tag to Beach and they hit a shitty double-reverse elbow and Beach gets a two-count off of it as Ray smacks Kidd on the apron. Gut-wrench suplex from Beach and he gets another two-count, picking Myers up for a couple of big bodyslams. Myers makes the tag to Kidd and Kidd gets taken over with a big armdrag takedown as we cut to a break.

After the commercials, Beach is still working on the arm and he picks Kidd up to whip him into the ropes. Another reverse elbow from Beach and he tags in Ray for a double-big boot to the face. Ray picks Kidd up and hits a big suplex before picking him up and doing it again. He floats over into a cover but only gets a two-count, picking Kidd up for a bodyslam and a BIG legdrop, brother. Another two-count on Kidd and another gut-wrench suplex from Ray leads to a tag to Beach and a HUGE belly flop off of the top rope. EVEN THAT only gets a two-count. Beach gets a rolling amateur takedown into a pinfall attempt that gets two. He picks Kidd up and POWERBOMBS HIM and STILL only gets two. Ray gets tagged in and he and Beach "hit" a double-dropkick and they can only get a two-count. It's almost laughable now seeing how much Kidd is taking and still kicking out from. Ray just flings Kidd out through the ropes to the floor and as Kidd rolls back in, Ray grabs him and drops an elbow on the leg a few times. Tolos gives us a real gem on color saying that the Universal Wrestling Federation is the best Universal Wrestling Federation that there is. I guess since it's the only, it automatically becomes the best, no matter how shitty the product is. Ray makes a tag to Beach and they hit a double-hamstring pull and Ray rolls through to punch Myers off the apron. Beach with an atomic drop and Ray goes up top for a flying bodypress that gets the three-count, despite Ray not being the legal man in the ring. Ray lays a couple of extra boots in on Myers as he tries to get back into the ring to check on his partner. Beach helps the jobbers up and raises their hands on his way out.

Winners: Wet and Wild (pinfall, Steve Ray flying bodypress)

Match Analysis: A weird match because it looked like Ray was leaning towards working heel for almost the entire match. Even weirder that the jobber kept kicking out of moves that REALLY looked like they could have been finishes. It made it look awkward because the faces couldn't get the finish on the match and they looked weak because they struggled to put away jobbers.

Bob Orton joins us for a show-ending promo and that belt looks even more hideous when he's wearing it. Orton loses where he's going on the promo and actually stops in the middle of it to regain himself. He says that the announcers are saying that he's a nice guy and he's turned over a new leaf and he says that he's training his 12-year old son and that when his son's friends are calling him "Coach Bob" and when his daughter is crying because he beat someone up at the matches, it takes a toll on him. Orton says it's time for a change and time to lighten up a little bit. He says he enjoys it because he doesn't have to worry about being sucker punched or getting knifed on his way out of the ring. He says that he loves wrestling and that he's going to wrestle, possibly against Paul Orndorff. He says that he's respected Orndorff for years and for once he says that Paul won't have to worry because he's going to beat him fair and square and then shake his hand afterwards. I honestly think Orton was drunk. I've never seen him cut that terrible a promo and it seemed SO forced and ham-handed that you could see the probably inevitable heel turn coming a mile away.


Episode Two


A different taping for this episode and we've got Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino on the call for these matches, which should be interesting. The first show we had a bland PBP and way too loud color guy. This show the roles are reveresed.


Match One:
The Black Knight vs. Davey Meltzer

Oh that Herb Abrams. So witty and obtuse in his mockery of the guy that named his promotion the worst promotion of the year that year. Funny thing is that this was the debut show for the UWF, so in essence either Herb was psychic or he knew his product was going to suck the big salami so bad that he launched this as a pre-emptive strike. The Knight gets taken over by Meltzer with an armdrag but he reverses it to an armdrag of his own. Knight rams Meltzer into the buckle and rakes his nails across the back before throwing a shit-ton of forearms. Irish whip into the corner by Knight and he gets caught in a side headlock when he charges in and Meltzer goes to the throat. Double-kick to the gut from Knight and he gut-wrenches Meltzer over, following that up with a double-underhook suplex. I'm not sure why a guy named The Black Knight has a red mask, but that's beyond me I suppose. Chop to the chest from Knight and he gets a few more rakes of his fingernails across Meltzer's back. Irish whip into the ropes and he hits a big reverse elbow before dropping a short kneedrop. He locks in a reverse chinlock and we take a commercial break. I predict that Meltzer is still in the chinlock when we come back.

And SHOCKINGLY, Meltzer is in the chinlock, though the Knight jams his fingers up Meltzer's nostrils before raking the back again. More back-raking and a FRONT RAKE from Knight this time. SMELL THE MOVESET!! Irish whip into the ropes and Knight gets a big clothesline before jawing away at the crowd and stomping on Meltzer's gut with a double-stomp. Big suplex from the Knight and Sammartino mocks Meltzer's physique as he gets in a couple of right hands on Knight. Side headlock into a right hand and he gets an open-hand palm thrust before Irish whipping Knight into the corner. He stands there like a goof and Irish whips him across again, taking a kick to the gut the second time around. Knight chokes Meltzer against the top rope and takes a forearm shot as it looks like Huggy Bear and one of his bitches are standing on the hard camera side in the front row. Knight hits a DDT and then does a little mocking of the jobber before dropping a knee right on the back of Meltzer's neck. He punches away and elbows on Meltzer before pink-bellying him against the ropes. Big bodyslam from the Knight now and he comes off with an elbowdrop but Meltzer rolls out of the way. He gets a weak-ass elbowdrop of his own and heads up to the top rope!! Knight comes up and catches him with a punch before slamming him off the top rope. He picks Meltzer up and hits a big sidewalk slam for the three-count. God, Abrams sounds like such a phony on the PBP. Almost like he's a smarmy announcer guy on a shopping channel or something.

Winner: The Black Knight (pinfall, sidewalk slam)

Match Analysis: Knight had a ton of generic offense and we already covered Meltzer in the pre-match ramblings. This was every big, scary heel vs. plucky jobber match from the 80's rolled into one and even then it wasn't very good. Knight didn't seem to have a lot by way of moves or things like that and just kind of went from move to move with no flow.


Match Two:
Michael Allen vs. "Dangerous" Dan Spivey

Spivey's got the coke eyes as he makes his way to the ring and is rather cocky, posing and acting like he's the shit. He motions for Allen to take a charge and he does, not even budging Spivey. Allen does it again and it's the same thing before he tries a cross bodyblock. Spivey catches him and gives him a big fallaway slam before whipping him into the ropes for a sidewalk slam. Spivey covers him for two and then picks him up into what looks to be a variation of an Exploder. Another two-count and another pick-up from Spivey. The crowd actually starts to chant for Spivey and he gets a Razor's Edge move before covering for two and picking Allen up again. HERE COMES BRIAN BLAIR!! CHAIRSHOT TO THE BACK OF SPIVEY'S HEAD!! ONE TO THE GUT!! ANOTHER SHOT AND SPIVEY ROLLS TO THE FLOOR!!!

Winner: Dan Spivey (disqualification, Blair-ference)

Match Analysis: Angle advancement to further the issue between Blair and Spivey that was going on previous to this match and was alluded to by Sammartino and Abrams on commentary. I have no idea what the issue was, but I'm guessing it involved Spivey doing something heelish and either screwing Blair out of a match or leaving him laying.


Match Three:
Chief Jay Strongbow Jr. vs. Houdini

Jesse Hernandez is your referee for this one. Wait, this isn't the AWA show is it? I feel so confused. I guess I can never get away from the suck that is Jay Strongbow Jr. no matter how hard I try. Strongbow looks like he's put on a little weight since his AWA stint while Houdini has lost a bunch of hair. Houdini attacks with flailing elbows as Strongbow takes off all of his paraphenalia and keeps hammering away, throwing some punches in the corner and the weakest knees I've ever seen. He whips Strongbow into the corner and follows it up with a knee to the gut. Front facelock and Houdini gets a sissy punch and then throws Strongbow through the ropes to the floor. Houdini knees him while he tries to get back into the ring and works Strongbow over with offense that makes Leaping Lanny Poffo look like Goldberg. Strongbow staggers around on the outside like he's gotten into too much of the firewater and then recovers enough to trip Houdini down and drag him over to the post, slamming his knee into the steel. Strongbow crotches Houdini on the post and then drags him outside for some chops before slamming him on the floor. He shoves Houdini back into the ring and does his spasming "war dance" while Herb Abrams whoops on commentary. Irish whip into the ropes and Strongbow catches him with a big chop before choking him against the bottom rope. Vertical suplex from Strongbow that he barely gets Houdini up and over for before he whips him in and catches him in the sleeperhold. Houdini drops to a knee and he's fading fast and as the referee checks him, he's out, that's it, it's all over!!

Winner: Chief Jay Strongbow Jr. (submisson, sleeperhold)

Match Analysis: Well, it wasn't AWFUL, but it wasn't very good because Houdini's offense didn't look like it would have hurt a puppy. Strongbow didn't look like he'd gotten any worse from his time in the AWA, but he was never good to begin with so that doesn't do him any favors. Godawful match and one that probably could have been better if Hernandez and Houdini had switched places.


Match Four:
David Sammartino vs. Col. DeBeers

David looks a LOT better now than he did during his WWF run because he's lost a ton of fat or water weight or something. DeBeers gets introduced and the crowd just hates him. DeBeers has an eyepatch on for some reason and he gets the house microphone to complain about the referee being a black referee. He claims he wants Jesse Hernandez to referee instead and we get a shot of the UWF Commissioner and DeBeers tries to take a swing at the referee as the bell rings. Sammartino catches it and turns it into a backslide for a two-count. Sammartino gets a roll-up for two and DeBeers hits the floor with Sammartino in hot pursuit. DeBeers comes off the ropes and shoulderblocks Sammartino over before blocking a hip toss. Sammartino turns it into another backslide for a two-count. DeBeers goes to the eyes and rams Sammartino into the top turnbuckle, picking him up for a hard slam. DeBeers rams Sammartino into his own boot and then chokes him across the top rope before slingshotting him back into the ring. Stomp to the gut from DeBeers and he gets a short bulldog into a pin attempt that gets two. DeBeers tries the turnbuckle smash again but Sammartino reverses it and gives him one of his own. He works over DeBeers against the ropes, whipping him across and kicking him in the stomach. DeBeers runs right through it and bounces off the ropes chest first before taking a back bump in a nifty little piece of overselling. Sammartino covers and gets two but DeBeers kicks out and goes to the eyes again. Irish whip from DeBeers and he ducks down for a back bodydrop but Sammartino goes for a sunset flip that gets a long two-count. DeBeers goes to the eyes again as both men are on their feet and kicks Sammartino in the gut before coming off the ropes with a flying bodypress. Sammartino catches him and they both end up crashing into the referee who goes down. DeBeers sends Sammartino out to the floor and then starts STOMPING THE PISS OUT OF THE REFEREE!! DeBeers picks him up and DROPS HIM WITH A RIGHT HAND!! Sammartino gets back into the ring and DeBeers scurries off to the back.

Winner: David Sammartino *I think* (disqualification, DeBeers attacking the referee)

Match Analysis: Essentially another angle advancer with DeBeers being racist against the referee and finally just taking it out on him with some cheap shots after he was down. Sammartino looked pretty good and actually better than he did during his stronger runs in the WWF and AWA. His was a body that looked better when it was all ripped and cut up, rather than Bruno's whose looked a lot better all brawny. The match wasn't much to write home about, but they tried.



Final Thoughts

Well, this was my second foray into the world of the UWF and this was no better than the first one. At least in the first one, I got a little bit of action that was comically bad. These shows were just bad bad. Inexperienced workers all over the place, horrible selling, pathetic offense. There wasn't even the redeeming qualities of great main events or great promos that help save the shakier AWA shows. This was just bland and meaningless from top to bottom. Disappointing since I was hoping for WrestleCrap bad, but I suppose thre's always next week's episodes.


Next week, look for Fun With Comments to make it's way over to this column as well, so feel free to leave whatever you'd like and I'll address every single one of them during next week's look at the UWF. I'll see you all tomorrow for another all-new AWA report!