Cross The Line 07.17.08

Posted by Wendell Mitchell on 07.18.2008

Lots of squash and not a whole lot else as I debut a new column about Impact. Good thing they changed their motto, because they certainly didn’t epitomize the old “We Are Wrestling” catch phrase. Join me inside if you will…

Howdy all. I'm Wendell Mitchell and would like to welcome you to the debut edition of Crossing the Line. You can normally find me in the MMA zone writing the critically acclaimed (reviled, whatever) Eight Sides of Steel. I love MMA, but I'd cheat on it every time with wrestling. I'll do my best to live up to at my immediate predecessor because I just don't possess Byer's venom. Unless it involves Vince McMahon's ass; then the venom shall flow like the mighty Amazon. Okay, enough of that. On with the show!

James Earl Jones Jr. and his silky smooth voice provide the commentary for our obligatory recap of Victory Road.

To the parking lot we go and emerging from a luxurious vehicle is the always-lovely Sharmell. As she lovingly strokes her ill-gotten booty, Booker T steps out wearing a swank leopard skin robe.

After the opening video, Booker inquires, "Can you dig it sucka?" Yes sir, I very well can. The belt does look good on his shoulder. Not as good as Sharmell though. Damn she's fine.

Booker has a few less than kind words about Joe then extols his own credentials as champion. Jim Cornett is out to spoil the festivities though and has the unmitigated audacity to tell Booker to return the gold to that peasant Samoa Joe. I guess to prove my assessment wrong, Joe's out next wearing a suit for like the third time in his career. It's not bad. He's no Booker, but hey, who is, right?

Joe brings the disrespect, calling Booker's pimp ass robe rat skin. I like calm, collected Joe. Angry Joe reminds me of the things I don't like about Cena. Speaking of Cena, apparently we're not supposed to be able to see Booker if that hand gesture is any indication. Vengeance shall be Joe's, sayeth Joe and HHH would be proud of how long this opening segment went.

To the back…. Beer Money is with Lauren and Roode's a sad mammal of some sort. Lauren is smiling at Beer Money's misfortune, and Roode channels his inner misogynist by telling her to shut her cake hole. Jackie should German suplex her ass so Crystal can make her triumphant return. Not that Lauren hasn't improved; she's just no Crystal. Beer Money makes the rules sweet cheeks and they plan on whipping some fans or something. Sadly, no alcohol fueled shenanigans from Storm. Why I ponder why, let's look at some…

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Back from commercials and JB is with Kaz. Kaz overreacts to JB's unstated insinuations just a tad. I still love you Kaz. Let's follow Kaz to the ring for our first match of the show!

Match 1: X-Division Championship
Kaz (w/ footage of his leg drop at the PPV) vs. ©Maple Leaf Muscle (w/Is it weird that I'm attracted to Rhaka Khan?)

We start things with a waist lock, then quickly transition into a series of near misses and dodges before Kaz says screw that nonsense and goes all Hong Kong Phooey on Petey's ass with a trio of kicks. Petey manages to turn the tide and send Kaz to the outside. Nice to see the extra mass does not hinder his sling shot rana. Petey Pump shows off the tenth or eleventh largest arms in the business.

Petey maintains control until Kaz fires back with a clothesline and a back elbow. Petey tries to his Side Canadian Leg Sweep, but controls the match until Kaz fires back with a clothesline and elbow. Petey counters to his side Canadian leg sweep, which is countered into a back slide. Petey cartwheels out of the Wave of the Future in a nifty spot then tries a few things before Kaz murders him with that backwards tombstone pile driver maneuver. What is that called? Somehow Petey kicks out of that and the Wave of the Future. Kaz up top and Petey's all "No Flux Capacitor for you young man." Ending sequence sees Petey attempt a Sunset Bomb, Kaz blocks they exchange roll ups, Petey winds up on top and like the good heel champ he is, grabs a hand full of tights for the win.

Winner and still X-Division Champ: Petey Williams. Not a bad match. Oddly enough, Kaz's matches the last couple of weeks, at least to me have seem a bit, disjointed. Fortunately, this was a level above his match last week where it just looked like they were waiting for the next spot to come up.

Look at that, the camera's cut to the back without being prompted by Tenay.

JB is here to get a few words with Petey but Eric Young shows up looking kind of weird and runs him mouth about ponies and pots of gold or something. Perfect time for some…

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I'm interested in seeing Tropic Thunder. Some sublimated vestige of ancestral… something or another wants to be offended by Robert Downey Jr. in black face. But the geek that loved him in Iron Man says bring it on and make me laugh you drunk sum bitch.

We interrupt these fine commercials for an intimate moment between Joe and JB. Big Sexy! Nash did it for you Joe. He did it for the people. I'm liking the subdued nature of this scene. No yelling, no snarling, just good old-fashioned conversation. So Joe doubts himself now? Who is he, C.M. Punk? Nice portrait of Angle on the wall by the way. Why isn't Joe on the wall? No respect for the champ I tells ya.

Suddenly the serenity of the last segment is shattered by the chaos of Beer Money putting the fear of foreclosure and drunken red necks into the hearts of the production crew. God Bless these two men. I need to catch my breath after that. Oh look…

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I was just given some Old Spice body wash. This commercial with the centaur is odd. I could never have his woman. How do you measure up to a guy that literally has a horse- sized slipnisky?

James Earl Jones Jr. serenades us with tales of Bound For Glory, which seems to come earlier in the month each year.

We're back in the parking lot with JB, who is left puzzled by a Stingle and Brother Stinger. Fortunately, there's a meeting of the masked minds just off screen. Hey, Super Eric. Damn I thought he was dead. This segment automatically loses points for the lack of dancing. Here's Beer Money. I guess that's what happens when you don't dance.

Christy sighting! And she's still on the on the hottest pieces of booty on television. Ha, Jimmy Rave is going to die and it shall be glorious. So Morgan's the Blue Print now? Sure, let's go with that.

Match 2: Jimmy Rave (w/Mistress of Fire Crotch Christy) vs. "The Blue Print" Matt Morgan

Hard to believe this is only the second match of the evening. Rave's most effective attack this entire squash is gnawing on Morgan's head. Morgan hits the A Train/Bull Buchanan Special then destroys him with the vertical suplex/Ura nage.

Winner: Matt Morgan. Squash-tastic. Could have been a bit better though seeing as Jimmy Rave is a bump machine.

Uh oh, Slash Hoyt staggers out here looking a bit drunk. I'm still surprised those guitars haven't been broken yet. Impromptu Match coming right up

Match 3: Lance Hoyt vs. Matt Morgan

Big man slugfest to begin. Morgan displays an impressive amount of strength with a fall away slam. Christy provides the distraction and Hoyt goes to the knee. Obviously someone missed their Heel 101 lectures because you're supposed to kick a guy in the nuts when the ref is distracted. Now he has no one to blame when he loses. Moonsault misses because he's not facing Abyss. So he can get a guy the size of Hoyt up. Morgan is unstoppable!

Winner: Matt Morgan Thus the push is back on. This was a bit more impressive simply for the visual of Morgan tossing around a guy the size of Hoyt with ease.

TO THE BACK!!! Cornett is here to belittle the people bringing the highest ratings. Salinas has terrific ta-tas. Speaking of which, Tracy Brooks sighting! JB looking quite stoic as Cornett makes a ten girl battle royal, the winner of which gets a shot at Taylor next week on Impact. Salinas and Velvet Sky bump chests and all is right in the world for a few brief moments.

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Step Brothers is looking funny to me too.

So is Karen Angle the new Ricki Lake? Tyra Banks? Why?

Beer Money is back. Remember kids, violence against security guys is not only condoned; it's encouraged.

Tenay works a Cross the Line in there and I'm surprised it took this long.

Stingle and Brother Sting make their way to the ring. The way the masks are situated on their faces is pretty creepy looking to be honest. I approve.

Didn't we just get back from commercial?

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Anderson F'N Silva highlights. Look at that Spider Knee! Spider Blow, Spider Upper Cut. Spider Genocide.

Hamlet 2….not too sure about that one yet.

And we're back with Angle unmasked. Looks like he wants to recruit Sting for I guess the New, New World Order? Angle talks about Sting not going to take it anymore when AJ's awesome theme music cuts in.

Look at them letting AJ cut a promo like a big boy. Bubba is one of my favorite promo guys. Wow, Bubba called AJ a child. I have no clue what the crowd just chanted. Christian being mute saddens me. Oh, wait, time to bring the magic. Christian talks a little trash Bubba no likey the fat jokes. Christian decides that they will have an elimination table match, which I approve of.

Nice little video package for the battle royal. The new champ is pretty cute.

Match 4: Knock Out Gauntlet.

Wow, Gail's wearing a shirt. That's just not right. She and Jackie kick this shindig off proper. Gail with the fast and furious baby face offense. Jackie cuts that short with a little MMA inspired goodness. That minute expired pretty quickly. Angelina and her booty are out next and she shoves Jackie. Whip her gorgeous ass Jackie. Gail takes advantage with some flying clotheslines, but Angelina puts her down with a nice heel kick. Salina's is out and takes it to the lady heels. Interesting neck breaker by Salinas. Here's Velvet Sky with her sexy self. If only she were a bit better in the ring. Beautiful People's Elbow! Roxxi is out next and every time I see her I think of V for Vendetta, which I've read, but never seen. I love when Roxxi just boots the silicone out of people. Interesting that she would try to Voodoo Drop Salina's first though. Salina's with a nice counter, but that leads to her getting tossed. Adios mi amor. The Beautiful people fear Rhaka Khan who is out next. Roxxi, not so much and takes the fight to her only to get caught with a nice axe kick. Wow, Khan does tower over everyone, doesn't she? Ms. Brooks is a Casa En Fuego! I missed her by the way. Tornado face buster. Christy's out and showing the flexibility. ODB out last and takes a swig. Whisky Mist to Christy! Boobie press to the Beautiful People! Stand off with Khan! This is getting way too hot for TV., so let's cool off with a few of these nice…

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Anyone watch that Factory show yet? I saw just enough to know that I would definitely try to get with my stepsister if she was that hot.

During the commercial Break, Khan pulls a Test and big boots herself out of the ring. Christy gets tossed and Tracy goes out right behind her.

Jackie easily eliminates ODB, then skins the cat and head scissors Roxxi out as well. Unfortunately, Roxxi is a party pooper and pulls Jackie to the floor leaving Gail to face off against the Beautiful People. Down to the Beautiful People vs. Gail and I don't like the way this looks to end. That was an awesome kick Angelina just destroyed her bosom buddy with. I could have sworn this was Roxxi's feud. Gail with the Code Breaker! Out goes Angelina and damn it, Velvet's going to win this thing. That was quick.

Winner and number one contender: Velvet Sky. Not quite by the numbers as there were some nice spots sprinkled throughout unlike your average male battle royal. Would have liked to see Angelina win because she and Gail could have put on a fun couple of minutes there at the end instead of the quick roll up that Sky got.

JB is in the pimped out locker room as Booker searches for an opponent to defend the World Title against. After selecting Consequences Creed, Booker, ever the consummate gentlemen, arranges for an ambulance for his victim. Tonight, Booker decrees his gold is up for grabs in a Stretcher match.
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Brendan Fraiser is one handsome dude…I mean Jet Li's so going to kick his ass. Can't say I object to a new Mummy Movie.

Back to the action and a pensive Jay Lethal and despondent Val join JB. How can the honeymoon be over and they haven't even been married?

Match 5: Johnny Devine(w/Singapore Cane and Camcorder) vs. Eric Young (w/the entirety of the Impact Zone's love) vs. The Guru Sonjay Dutt (w/Rose Petals and abs)

Johnny Devine with the perfect merger of his previous gimmicks. Eric Young's tights look horrible. But the fans love him. Check out the Guru. Camera Man, zoom in on those abs. No Guru-ites tonight?

Heel beat down commences. Whoa, whoa, whoa, why is Devine touching the Guru? It's all good. Hug it out fellas. Guru with the devious roll up. Guru taken out for a moment and Devine takes it to Eric with a few well-placed knees and a fantastic snap suplex. Eric roars back and turns Devine inside out with a clothesline. Wheelbarrow reversed though. Not quite sure what lead to that pinning predicament. Wow, did Sonjay just win with a chop block?

Winner: Sonjay. Another match that just seemed there. Not bad, just you would expect a little something better from at least Devine and Dutt.

Jay Lethal obviously does not approve and dispense righteous justice. Val is out and getting involved in man folk business. Lethal's got a chair, but Val takes it from him. Sonjay takes the chair, hits the ring post, tosses the chair to Jay and feigns grievous injury. Shades of Guerrero! Awesome. Val's not being a very understanding fiancé as Jay attempts to explain the duplicity.

Beer Money look, refreshed so here's a perfect time for…

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Beer Money in the ring and Roode isn't exactly living up to his end of the name. Where's the sport coat? Silk shirt, something. They threaten the fans with a whipping. Do it. Do it! Damn it. I wanted that red head kid to catch a belt shot to the face. He was literally asking for it. They drag in a fan that looks suspiciously like a wrestler and tan his hide. Slick and the gang got out here fast. More rebelling against authority. First edition and we've crossed a line I definitely didn't need to see: pasty fat man butt crack. Hector gets dragged to the ring and he takes his beating like the Mexican warrior he is. Where's LAX? Or, you know Joe. Didn't he at one time just randomly save faces so he could kill people? Finally after like seventy-two licks (still not enough to get to the center of tootsie pop so I'm told), LAX is out. Took you look enough fellas. But I can completely understand being distracted by Salina's boobies.

JB is with Team Angle v 4.3. Angle says Team 3D has never lost a tables match and who are we to doubt the veracity of an Olympic Gold Medallist? Imitation Sting Woos all around.

To the back and Lauren is with Creed who cuts an energetic promo complete with spinarooni. The young man is definitely feeling it.

Featured Contest
Consequences Creed vs. Booker T

I like Joe as much as anyone else, but the belt just looks at home around Booker's waist.

Booker showing off the wrestling acumen with a waist lock take down and Ricky Steamboat-like arm drag. He then just runs through Creed like the rookie he is. Forearm/ chop combination. Creed fights back from the corner and nails the rolling thunder clothesline. Apparently that's all the action we can handle right now, so let's take another look at a promo for Ultimate Fight Night.

We are back and Creed tries some dancing jabs, but Booker kicks him in the face. Spine Buster and just cause he loves me, Booker kills Creed with a Houston Side Kick to the grill. Quick shot of Sharmell's cleavage and Booker gets some good height on an axe kick.

He tosses Creed to the floor and places him on the stretcher. Interesting that the EMTs wheeled him away.

Winner: Hs there been a shorter stretcher match than this? They started off fine, but once Booker took over for good, it just ended so abruptly. Hell, tease Joe or something and choke Creed out first.

Speak of the devil; Joe pulls an Undertaker or Stone Cold, I forget which, and lays into Booker. Someone, possibly Nash, leaves a Joe a lovely black bat to further the mind games.

Well, that was fun. Just my luck I take over the column with the lightest wrestling content and other than the women's match, nothing really stood out as anything other than okay. Even the women's match was only decent. Well, we already have three matches announced for next week so looking forward to that. Thanks for suffering through my first attempt at this. I promise to do better next time. Until next week, remember, Friends let Friends Cross the Line.