Cross The Line - TNA Impact 07.24.08 Analysis

Posted by Wendell Mitchell on 07.25.2008

We have two gimmick matches and Taylor Wild is some hot girl on girl action. What else could you possibly want? Got it: Beer Money and Superheroes!





First off, I would like to thank everyone that commented on my first column. I greatly appreciated it. Okay enough ass-kissing, let's get to some Total Non-stop Action!
But first…

Recap of last week's opening segment

Live (at some point) from the Impact Zone

Don and Mike kick it to ring, which is surrounded by the menacing SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Joe getting his money's worth by wearing the same suit from last week as he makes his way to the ring through the crowd in an homage to DDP. Big granddaddy Cool is joins him within the confines of the SIX SIDES OF STEEL. Joe proposes to Booker. I knew he couldn't resist T's charm. Oh, a proposition, yeah I guess that works too. Can you dig it sucka? Booker is out decked out in the Hugh Heffner-esque smoking jacket. Booker knits a yarn about his past as a drum major and says they should add some tables, ladders, and chairs (oh my!) to this match. I'm pretty sure I was in a fantasy league that booked that match. Booker announces that he will go get a contract and judging by his words, I bet the contract is for a starring role in the Snickelodeon classic "Are you Afraid of the Dark."

To The Back: JB with Phenomenally Classic Machine. AJ believes in Harvey Dent. Or Sting. All that matters is that he believes. Christian brings the calm intensity and threatens career ending beating, which means the faces are going to job and job hard. Rhino warns AJ about people with two faces – see what I did there? I compared Sting to a woman that kisses you with the same mouth she used on the lower anatomy of your best friend. So yeah, I predict Rhino gets eliminated first. Oh look…

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GSP is going to kill John Fitch. Then move up in weight and die by Silva's knees.
Soul Calibur IV will own my very soul. Sorry Satan.

And we're back Tenay pimps Taylor Wilde and Velvet Sky…for a match. Tenay's pimp hand ain't nearly strong enough for any other sort of pimping.

Next we get a Sting video package with classical music and James Earl Jones Jr. narration. Will Sting Cross The Line to the demonic dark side? Probably not. And it's not even fun to speculate so let's move on.

Oh goody, a match.

Match 1: Jimmy Rave(w/Lance Rock and Guitar Hero peripherals) vs. Consequences Creed (w/American Flag) vs. Johnny Devine(w/camcorder and Singapore kendo stick) vs. Eric Young

Eric and Rave sorta loiter about for few moments while Creed and Devine slug it out. Young finally attacks Rave and it's a donny brook. Young dumped to the outside. Devine taking it to Creed and nails him with a flying knee. Taylor Wilde is a dancing queen. Oh wait, queen of the upsets. Yeah, not the best nickname for a champion. Creed with a mutha fuckin' Shororyuken on Devine! Rave tries to crush another orbital socket with the shining wizard to Creed. Rave tries to cripple (in a good way) Eric Young with an STO on the apron. Rave is a rock and roll wrestling God! The ref can't possibly keep up with this much action so Lance Rock tries to help out his buddy by choke slamming Creed, who counters and spikes him with the Creed DT. Creed feeling froggy and wipes out the Rock and Rave infection with a no-hands flip dive. Young roks Rave with punches in the corner. Devine is in to help out, but he and Rave get force fed a few clotheslines. Devine gets drop kicked to the outside. Rave whips EY into the corner where he does his Flair impression and ends up on the apron only for Rave to pull his leg out from under his leg. Rave and Creed go at it and Rave kills Creed with The Move That Rocked the World. EY breaks it up and takes Rave out with a DVD. Devine breaks that up and Eric gets a little Devine Intervention. Creed breaks that up and after a quick exchange of reversals, Creed gets the roll up and much needed victory.

Winner: Consequences Creed. Not a bad match at all. Fast paced for the most part with some good spots. Nothing wrong with Creed winning either. I thought it suffered a bit because of the predilection of multi-man matches having guys get laid out for an hour from a punch or something.

Post match, Devine, Rock and Rave beat Creed down until the rehabilitated Monster Abyss out for the save. Abyss punches Devine through the chair. Rave bounces off Abyss's brick lick torso on a failed cross body. Choke Slam for Mr. Rave. Black Hole Slam for Rock. Abyss fears chairs apparently. That or all the rocking back and forth in a padded cell must have opened his eyes to the evil of furniture.

To The Back: Team Angle v 4.3 has JB on a table and I have to say, my mind is going places I'd rather it not. Bubba doesn't help by saying JB has a pretty mouth. I've seen prettier…Bubba proclaims that there is no Santa Claus; OJ is innocent (but had he done it…) and Sting is a scum bag. Just like Team 3D and Angle who would be the only guy on the podium if scumbaggery were an Olympic sport. Devon promises that Sting will shock the world. He better not be planning a Blade Runners' reunion. I don't think I could stand that sort of shock. Angle says there are no heroes in this world – like the comic version of Wanted. Angle keeps seeing AJ in Angle's house, chasing Angle's wife around with Angle's underwear on his head and joking about his sexual inadequacies. Yep, I'd put a guy through a table for less than that. While we all think dirty, nasty thoughts about Karen Angle let's watch some…

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Should've gone to freecreditreport.com. That's probably my favorite variation of that commercial.

We're back with a Kaz video package. Highlights include him beating Christian, taking Angle to the limit, and winning first ever Asylum match. We transition directly to…

Karen's Angle: Nowhere near as good as the rough cuts. Or even the Cross the Line promos. We do learn that Kaz loves Killer Kowalksy like a father and is inspired by Bret Hart (who contrary to popular belief did not screw himself) Of note, he mentioned the politics of WWE (without mentioning WWE by name). This didn't exactly get me pumped for part two.

Don and Mike wonder if Sting will answer the tough questions.

Who cares, Taylor is stretching and it is glorious.

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eHarmony.com. I remember an anti- eHarmony ad that talked about people getting rejected because they weren't happy enough. I wonder if that's why I can't find love. I'm like Taz in the old days – the most miserable son of a bitch on the planet.

We're back and are treated to the dulcet melody of the Blue Print's "Click Click Boom" knockoff.

Match 2: "The Blue Print" Matt Morgan(w/entrance) vs. Corey Chavis(w/no chance of winning this)

Chavis, to his credit talks a bit of trash to start and Morgan tosses him around while Don and Mike talk about American Gladiators. How they refrained from mentioning Hogan is a miracle I'll just accept. The crowd shows Matt some love, even though this is typical squashy action. Matt borrows liberally from the UnderTaker playbook with the leg drop across the apron and running boot to the side of the head. Chavis rakes the eyes like a good little heel so Matt decides it's time to enter endgame and boots him in the mush.
Big kick to the grill. So last week I'm told the move is called the Mount Morgan Drop and this week they change it to the Hellavator as if he's being managed by Jim Mitchell. OMG~! Foreshadowing!

Winner: Matt Morgan. So yeah, explain to me why they're going backwards? He squashed an established (they have a name and gimmick at least) tag team, then he squashes a no-name in a less entertaining match. Let's not do this again, okay?

To the Back! Lauren continues earning her paycheck by standing there and looking pretty. Shelly rocking the mucha lucha mask. He and Sabin crack jokes about Beer Money being a made for t.v. movie starring heartthrob Zack Morris and a best of James Storm collection consisting of a blank DVD. That has to sting, just a little. Shelly talks about the motor city being interchangeable with murder city because one should be proud of the amount of murders that occur in your city and wrestling needs more murder angles. Alex declares MCMG the best tag team in the world and I can't argue that fact.

Velvet and Angelina stand around looking hot to act as a buffer for our next set of…

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To The Back Prince Justice Brotherhood. Wow, that's interesting. Couldn't work Avengers in there somewhere? Listen to that master linguist Curry Man. Only in America. Sharkboy is thinking about merchandise because, why else save people if the don't buy your t-shirts and key chains, right? "We come in peace. And they leave in pieces." That's so corny it works.

Match 3 – Tag Team Strap Match: Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns.

Sorry about your damn luck is easily one of my favorite entrance themes. On second look, Shelly's mask is looking very Mardi Gras. This much awesome in one ring is too much for the network so we have to take a break.

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Definitely going to see Pineapple Express.
Dave and Buster causes hallucinations and dementia apparently.

Match 3 continued and is that an opening bell I hear? That was considerate of them. MCMG with a little ground and pound to start. I like that they are strapped together by the way. Not quite sure how to describe that other than by saying double crotch burn. Strappagage! Beer Money is getting whipped like Storm back when he was a kid. MCMG is dominating here. Sabin chokes Roode and drops him with a strap assisted neck breaker. They light Storm and Roode up with kicks. Shelly humbles Storm with the strap assisted camel clutch. Beer Money's collective testicles get further abused by the straps. Jackie finally makes herself useful and interferes. Roode spine busters Sabin and Storm brings the thunder to Shelly. Sabin whipped ass first in to the steps. Shelly eats a dropkick from Roode. Tandem suplex on Sabin. Beer Money is proud of themselves. Simultaneous inverted atomic drops are their reward. I'd prefer action myself. Because to me, life is a great big bang up. Strom gets whipped into Sabin's clothesline. Beer Money gets some rough turnbuckle treatment on each turnbuckle in their respective corner. MCMG play ring around the Beer Money and kick the crap out of them when they're done. They then go one more gin, and this time make Roode head butt Storm right in the money bags. We get the classic row boat submission and Jackie tries to break it up only to get stuck in a position we normally would associate with Lita. Jackie hands off the handcuffs to Storm who lays Sabin out with a foreign (I bet they were made in Taiwan) object shot of doom!

Winner: Beer Money: Pretty good match. It got time. They worked in some comedy, some brawling, plus the faces didn't look like pussies, which is always important.

Post match Storm kills Shelly dead with the Last Call. Beer Money whip Shelly until LAX run out. Salinas not showing cleavage is a senseless crime.

Coming up next is the Knock Out Title bout.

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Those steakhouse burgers don't look all that special to me.

Match 4 – Knock Outs World Championship: Velvet Sky(w/Angelina's booty) vs. Taylor Wild(w/Knock Outs Championship)

Okay, five second title defense, which is apparently an Impact Zone record.

Winner and still Knock Outs Champion Taylor Wild. The other shoe should drop right about here…

Velvet whines like a pro then switches gears and plays the old "I dare you" card. Taylor like the stupid face she is accepts…

Match 5 – Knockout World Championship Rematch: Velvet Sky(w/Angelina's booty) vs. Taylor Wild(w/Knock Outs Championship)

…and gets the boots to the boobs. Doesn't matter, because Velvet gets pinned again. Velvet gets pinned again.

Winner and yet again still champion:Taylor Wild.

25 seconds total for two matches. Eat that Matt Morgan! Angelina accuses Taylor of "Michelle McCooling" her way to the titles and offers up five grand of her own money to fight Velvet one more time. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

Match 6 – Knockout World Championship Rematch: Velvet Sky(w/Angelina's booty) vs. Taylor Wild(w/Knock Outs Championship)

Velvet gets beat down with stomps and chops on the outside. Back in the ring and Taylor misses the cross body. Velvet takes over and tosses Taylor outside so bootyliscious Angelina can boot her in the gut. Velvet with a chop to the gut and then a Octopus hold. She may be still iffy in the ring, but she's working the psychology. Taylor pulls out another roll up and Mike drops another "Queen of the Upsets" just to piss me off. Half way decent clothesline from Velvet puts Taylor down. Taylor manages to fight back and both ladies are down. Back to their feet and Taylor is unloading with some nice leg kicks before chopping away at Velvet's breast meat. Velvet really needs to work on her clothesline sell. She's nearly on the mat before Taylor even makes contact. Dropkick puts Velvet down again and I wonder if Taylor has a finisher. Maybe it's this Northern Lights suplex! Nope, Angelina idiotically costs herself five thousand dollars and puts the boots to Taylor as the Impact Zone chants for ODB.

Winner for the third time and still champ: Taylor Wild. That felt like a real match. Too bad Velvet is still at Maria/Kelly Kelly levels of wrestling. Although I appreciated the Northern Lights Suplex, Taylor should have showed a little more since she was wrestling someone smaller than Kong. Different styles for different opponents and what not.

Post match beat down continues as Angelina hits the Lights Out. Brown Paper Bag of Ulitmate Heelishness broken up as Gail and ODB whip some Beautiful Ass including ODB utilizing a turkey leg. There's probably some hidden symbolism in that, but damned if I know what it means.

Video Package: Davari has embraced his heritage and shall hence be known as Abdul Bashir. I can't believe I spelled his name right before the graphic popped up. This was pretty much your generic "your country is racist" rhetoric except Bashir didn't use a thick accent or spit on a small child – though come to think of it…

AdsDon wants you to Cross the Line and go to a live show. Do it. Cross the line. Cross it. I double dog dare you!

Hospitatl Earlier Today: Sonjay playing up his false injury and surrounded by his midget body guards. Apparently Val has no VCR, DVR, or internet access. Oh, she abhors violence. So it's only natural that she works ringside for a wrestling company. I'm not judging, simply making an observation. JB tries to spoil the mood, but Val is on Sonjay's side and she escorts JB away. Sonjay nearly snorts a ring.

Match 7 – Elimination Tables Match: Team Angle v4.3 vs. Phenomenally Classic Machine

They're laying it on thick about Sting going to the dark side. Just a hunch but Angle's getting put in a Scorpion Death Lock soon. AJ's theme is the coolest of the bunch by the way, with Angle's and Christian's neck and neck. When you have that many entrances, there's only one thing to do…

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Apparently, the hills still have eyes.
Harrison Ford endures a chest waxing for our sins against nature.

Match 7 continued: They's a-brawling. Nothing too exciting yet. Cage and Angle exchange chops and European uppercuts. When I think Europe. I think D'Lo Brown. I love that guy. Did you see him hit the Low Down? Almost as crisp as Christian's been hitting it the last few months. But back to this match. Brother Ray turns the tides with Ric Flair-like thumb to AJ's eye as Angle and Christian tumble out of the ring. AJ drops Ray with the vintage drop kick. Then catches him with a plancha to the outside. Devon and Rhino brawl on the outside. Rhino thrown into the wall which sadly does not break. Hey, TNA fans. This is not awesome. It simply okay. Okay, that was awesome seeing Christian rake Angle's face across the ramp then bite him. Devon chokes Rhino with a camera cord. Meanwhile, Ray has vanished and AJ and Christian double-team Angle. Tandem suplex to Angle. Ray's back and he and Devon give Rhino the assisted neck breaker. They grab a table, by dual dropkicks from AJ and Christian send the table back into Team 3D's faces. AJ sets up a table. Ray back drops AJ, but Rhion moves the table then tees off on Bubba. D pulls Rhino to the floor then tosses him head first into the steps. Ray lays AJ on the table. Devon cut off by Christian and Rhino while he climbs the turnbuckles. AJ kicks Ray in the face and gets off the table just as Christian and Rhino double flapjack Devon from the top rope through the table. Got to admit that was pretty nifty. No time to celebrate, so AJ with the Superman Forearm to Ray. Bubba eats a trash can shot, salutes then gets gored. I do love that man. Sensing a commercial break, Angle cleans house with a steel chair.

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During the Break Rhino spine bustered Angle, got excited and gored a table and apparently that's an elimination. I thought the precedent was set it had to be through the efforts of an opponent. Maybe I'm over thinking this. No time for that, because Angle distracts the ref long enough for Devon to aid his brother in busting up another table with Christian's body courtesy of the 3D. They commence with the beat down. AJ fights back and Ray is felled by a Pele. A very vocal fan wants AJ to put them in a body bag. See, I told you there were going with a murder angle. AJ sets up a table and Ray begs off. Devine appears out of nowhere and being a fan of the Dirt Sheet and Mr. Fuji, tosses powder. Unfortunately it hits Ray, who in blind rage and fury power bombs Devine through a table. AJ and Angle go at it while blinded Ray chills on the apron. Angle gets whipped into Ray who falls through a table on the outside and he is eliminated. Angle and AJ both the Asai DDT but Angle sells it like death anyway. As Angle lies motionless, I wonder aloud, "is Frank Trigg going to interfere next?" No sooner had I said that, Trigg is out to protect his Earth 616 brother with Singa-do stick in hand Angle Slam through the table and that's all she wrote.

Winner: Team Angle v4.3. Very fun match for a t.v. main event. They worked a decent pace and there were really no glaring dead spots. I still think its stupid that Rhino was eliminated by Angle's inertia or something. This should lead up to AJ vs Trigg which has potential to be a fun little match.

Angle and his slightly less evil doppelganger Trigg stand tall as we get some hype for the main event promo.

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We're back. Suckas gotta learn to dig it when the champ comes out. Still in the smoking jacket, T tosses his hair reminding us he should have gotten that shampoo commercial all those years ago. Sharmell looks scrumptious by the way. Booker carrying a contract. There Will Be Blood damn it. Joe's and Nash make their way to the ring. Booker nearly makes the connection that Joe and Nash are more than just friends. Joe can't beat Booker. I do enjoy Booker calling the weapons instruments. Because he was a band major. Which is totally masculine. More masculine than football even. He tells Kevin to get his punk ass out of there and Joe demands Booker to "look at me Punk!" Joe calls Sharmell a "bat wielding wench." Take that back Joe! Ha, Joe fears Sharmell. More disrespect for Sharmell. I bet a kiss from Sharmell would make me melt. Booker offers Joe the contract. Sting's music hit. The lights go off and maybe Sabu will appear to collect a check? Nope, Joe is dead and Booker has the trademark, black baseball bat. So no new season of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" then? All right. Tenay and Don are surprising confused and we're out.


Let's see, analysis…analysis. Definitely dip in quality as compared to the strong strings of shows prior to the last PPV. Nothing outright horrible except for Velvet sky being allowed to wrestle. The Prince Justice Brotherhood of Masks is goofy and fortunately, I like goofy. Couple of good matches in the Tables and Strap matches so there's that. All in all, it didn't make me mad that I have to pay attention to the show.

That does it for this week gang. Good night and remember, if ever in doubt Cross The Line