The Dope on Smackdown 7.25.08

Posted by Michael O on 07.26.2008

The honeymoon may be over, but the Great Khali's journey to the WWE title has just begun.





We were LIVE from Philadelphia, PA with J.R. & M.F and my fuck has it ever been hard to quit the pot smoking.

Ross and Foley discuss the trials and tribbles of Edge and Vickie, culminating with the accidental spearing of Vix. I'd still like to know just who Edge was trying to spear to begin with. Alicia? The referee? Eddie Guerrero's ghost?

The V.I.P. Lounge

It's the lounge, where big things are poppin' and little things are stoppin'.
It's the other way around for me (*wink, wink*)

Montel introduces his guest, the man who some call the "charismatic enigma" and some call "the homo with the hanky", but MVP and I call Jeff Hardy.

MVP declares himself the favorite in tonight's battle royal and puts down Jeff's chances, instantly making Jeff the favorite. Funny how that works. Montel says it's been a big year for Jeff, capped off with an appearance on the V.I.P. lounge. MVP alludes to Jeff's risk taking in and outside of the ring. I think he's talking about the drug abuse, and not the time Jeff climbed a tree to save Mae Young's cat. If you squint at that last sentence, you'll almost see an old lady's pussy joke that I'm too tired to make up.

Jeff puts over his honesty on these issues, which you can read about in the latest edition of WWE magazine. MVP brings up the house fire, or trailer fire in his words, and the loss of his dog, incidents that were caused, according to MVP, by Jeff's irresponsibility. MVP is really going for the jugular. He says Jeff will never be world champ, 'cause he'll only fuck it up with another suspension. Jeff says that can't happen as he'll be released next time, if there is one, and brings up MVP's checkered past before shoving him out of the ring.

Dude, that was intense!
I dare anybody to not want to see these two go at it after that, despite their boring ass J-Day match.


US Champ Shelton Benjamin vs Jimmy Wang Yang (non-title)

I sure wasn't expecting Shelton to leave the Bash as US Champ, but in hindsight I suppose it makes a ton of sense, as who else besides Matt could've faced Mark Henry at Summerslam? Brayden Walker?
Shelton grabs the mic before the match, but doesn't really say anything his entrance music didn't say first.

Shelton takes him down and sends him to the ropes for a big ol' kick to the face. Shelton tries to rip his head off and throws him around a little but Yang battles back with an enzugiri and a headscissors. Shelton counters a monkey flip by slamming Yang into the turnbuckle. Yang manages to duck the Dragon whip but succumbs to the Paydirt.
Short, little fast paced truffle of a match.

Shelton pinned Jimmy


Backstage, Edge is looking for a sympathetic ear, but Hawkins and Ryder have a match to get ready for. They should really have their lackey licenses revoked for that.


Curt Hawkins w/Zack Ryder vs Festus w/Jesse

Retardmania runs wild to start. Curt battles back with punches and kicks, but Festus shoves him off. Hawkins tries for a snap mare, but Festus is too big and he gets tossed. Curt goes back on the attack, but a big retarded shoulderblock sends him to the outside. Ryder goes for the bell, but Jesse is there to prevent him from ringing it. Curt comes back in and the Retarded flapjack finishes. Maybe he should call it "the Down Syndrome"?
Zack takes Jesse out post match and the two double DDT the now docile Festus.

I guess the Rmy won the belts so that their never ending on-again, off-again feud Biscuits and Retarded Gravy can involve the gold. Great. While these two teams have had some fun moments lately, I've already had my fill.

Festus pinned Hawkins


Edge pleads with Alicia to make herself scarce so he can smooth things out with the wife while Bam eavesdrops. What a girl.


Stevie Richards vs Vladimir Kozlov

Kozlov has music now! Think Rammstein by way of Jim Johnston because that is exactly what it is.

Kozlov puts Stevie down with a knee to the gut, but misses a corner charge, allowing Stevie get a roll up. Stevie hits a big bulldog and starts kicking the shit out of Kozlov, but gets caught with an overhead belly-to-belly. Kozlov boots Stevie in the chest and slaps on a fujiwa armbar. Stevie won't quit, so Vlad starts kicking the arm out of his...arm. Vlad misses a charge and goes flying to the outside. He comes back in to receive more kicks from Stevie. A dropkick gets 1. Richards goes up and tries for a swinging DDT, but Vlad shoves him off. Stevie comes off the ropes and runs into the headbutt for the loss.

While Stevie got more offense on Vlad than anybody to date, this was still a squash, of course. I know I haven't given Kozlov much love but some of his offense is pretty bad ass and he's starting to grow on me. Let's see him in a feud already.

Vladimir pinned Stevie


Battle Royal for the Summerslam WWE title shot:
Mr. Kennedy vs MVP vs Jeff Hardy vs The Great Khali vs Umaga vs The Big Show

Call me crazy/retarded/back on drugs but I'm kinda rooting for Khali.
MVP hightails it under the rope to avoid Jeff as Umaga and Show go at it and Kennedy and Khali do the same. Jeff takes advantage of the fact that Kennedy is on all fours and nails Khali with a dropkick. What, you were expecting a gay joke? He and Kennedy try to team up one the Great one but get clotheslined for their troubles. Big Show sidewalk slams Umaga before getting into a headbutting contest with Khali. Umaga kicks Show in the face as we head to break.

Back from, with everybody down except for Jeff, who hits Umaga with a Whisper in the Wind. MVP starts pounding on Jeff while Umaga hands out some punishment to a corner bound Khali. Kennedy and Show indulge in some back and forth brawling while Jeff and Montel take turns trying to eliminate each other. Show takes it to Khali as Jeff dumps MVP for the elimination. Umaga dumps Jeff, but the Hardy boy manages to make it back in. Umaga and Show have a slap off and Show clotheslines him out. Jeff and Ken double team Show but he shoves them off and hits a spinning cobra clutch toss on Jeff. Show dumps Kennedy and goes toe-to-toe with Khali.

Khali gets the better of him while Jeff recovers in the corner. Khali goes for the tree slam but Show ain't having it and chokeslams him. Umaga comes back in and Samoan spikes Big Show. Jeff comes off the top and headscissors Show to the floor. Jeff hits a swanton on Khali and takes his shirt off. Jeff kicks him in the balls but runs into the brain chop. Khali dumps him for the win.
Khali wins! Khali wins! Khali wins! I don't fucking believe it.

HHH comes out to spit and size up the big man face to face. I sincerely doubt that even the 2001 edition of HHH could have a good match with him, but despite that fact, I eagerly anticipate their encounter and all the online bitching that will inevitably precede it.

The Great Khali won


We get a video package for Elijah Burke. Err, actually, it's a package for Ron Killings. He used to be in jail, but it's all good now, apparently.


Michelle McCool vs Maryse

Maryse slams her down hair first and stops to pose. Some awkward fighting in the corner leads to a dropkick from Michelle. Maryse comes back and disposes her to the outside with the dreaded hair pull. Maryse beats her up and brings her in for 2. Maryse hits a clothesline and falls on her ass, but recoups by pounding away on McCool. Michelle comes back and gets the heel hook for the win.

Ugh. It kills me to say it but Maryse "the terrible" seemed to step up her game a little, which means instead of probably being the worst wrestler in the world, she is now just the worst one in the WWE. Michelle continues to impress inch by inch, so this match, while not exactly "good" in the traditional sense, was at least not utter torture to watch. Happy?

Michelle beat Maryse by submission


RAW Rebound. Hey, Raw is on the rebound? I'd fuck it. yeah, I know. How much did you pay to read this?

Kane beats up Batista and Punk at the Bash, and then does the same thing on Raw. Scintillating. Just put the fucking mask back on already. After wards, Batista and Cena went at it, so y'all can start fantasy booking a different Wrestlemania main event now.

Chavo is wheeling Vickie around back stage. Bam "the fink" stops to mention that he overheard Edge talking with Alicia. Based on the fact that she saw the video last week, I'm pretty sure she already knew Edge wanted to fuck her, but whatever.

Bam lets Edge know Vickie is in her office. Edge and his Maury Povich guest mentality decide to do the right thing and apologize publicly.


Brian Kendrick w/Ezekiel vs Shannon Moore

Brian cuts a pretty good heel promo before the match. Why haven't we seen this side of him sooner?

Kendrick brings it to the corner and gets a cheap shot there. He beats down Moore and bodyslams him before going up and missing a double knee drop. OUCH! Moore gets an inverted atomic drop and goes to the apron, presumably for a top rope attack, but stops to look at Zeke and gets attacked by Kendrick. "The Kendrick", formerly known as Sliced bread #2 finishes.
Another shortie. Is there a "beat the clock" challenge going on tonight that they forgot to mention?

Kendrick pinned Moore


Ben Stiller and his four dollar haircut are looking forward to seeing Jenny McCarey tackle autism at Saturday Night's Main Event. Just what exactly is going to happen? Jenny vs autism in a steel cage match?


Main event apology:

Edge wants to apologize and you know he's serious because he calls her Victoria. Vickie comes out with Chavo and Bam, who graciously lift her and her wheelchair into the ring
.
Edge gets down on one knee and pleads his case. He knows what he did was horrible, but the video didn't show how hard Edge tried to suppress his boner. Alicia wouldn't take no for an answer and all he wanted to hammer out, er iron out the wedding details. Vickie says she's trying to understand and they hug, but she turns away.

She says hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and the crowd pops! Vickie says she did something out of anger...she reinstated the Undertaker! I thought she was going to say she blew Hawkins and Ryder. Edge understands, or tries to. He suggests they go on their honeymoon while Triple H and Undertaker kill each other in their absence but she has already scheduled Edge to face 'Taker at Summerslam...in a Hell in a Cell match! The honeymoon is indeed over. Edge shits his pants while Vickie cackles and that's our show.


The Dope:

A fairly entertaining, fast paced show this week, though outside of a fantastic VIP lounge, there was nothing here you really had to see. Edge and Vickie continue to be great, I'm excited that the Undertaker has been officially restored to the Smackdown roster and I love that the Great Gary is going to Summerslam, but the battle royal was the only match that lasted longer than a minute or two.

I have been enjoying the breakneck nature of the show in recent weeks, but "The E" would be well served to not forget that some people actually tune in for, you know...wrestling.
Maybe it's hypocritical of me as it's not as though I would want stuff like Kozlov/Richards or Hawkins/Festus to go much longer than they did, and I thought last week's mostly wrestling-free program was terrific, but I don't want every week to be like that and a couple of lengthy, solid contests shouldn't be too much to expect from "the wrestling show".

I'll go with a 2.5 this week, as the show was certainly not boring, but if 90 second matches supplemented with 10 minute interview segments are to become the norm, I expect to become aggravated in the near future. Hopefully they find the right balance of quality wrestling and quality entertainment soon.

Legend:

4= Scott Steiner in WWF
3= Scott Steiner in WCW
2= Scott Steiner in TNA
1= Scott Steiner in WWE

Hey, if you're in Seattle tomorrow and you're going to the Nine Inch Nails concert, come say "hi!". I'll be the skinny guy with black hair, dressed all in black.

C U Next Time!