The ECW Palace Perspective: 8.05.08

Posted by Daniel Wilcox on 08.06.2008

The biggest moment in the history of ECW, witness the live premiere of The Dirt Sheet!

It's that time of the week you've all been waiting for. It's time for the ECW Palace Perspective, the only ECW recap brought to you from John Morrison's Palace of Wisdom.

And yes, the Palace has been buzzing all week long in anticipation for the first ever live edition of the Dirt Sheet. As usual, expect Miz and Morrison to be the highlight of highlights in another edition of ECW on Sci-Fi!

Reason Why John Morrison is Better Than You of the Week: Walking down the hallowed halls of the Palace of Wisdom, one may come across scriptures hung in frames on the wall. These scriptures feature some of the greatest verses ever put on paper, written by none other than John Morrison himself. Here's a fine example of Morrison's work…

Sweet Pain

The waning mystery of love.
Cuts, pulverizes, wounds,
as dawn creates day.
Roses are evil, Daisies are death;
The adored nameless; avarice.
Symphony of arousing shrapnel,
penetrates the still heat of the mid day sun
The heart shaped swan;
pests, jackals, demons
feast on throbbing enlightenment.
Kind clouds drink the light.
Sweet darkness
Sweet horror
Sweet Pain!
That ECW announce table chews up and spits out commentators quicker than Lita, huh? Matt Striker is replacing Tazz in the color commentator position tonight. Hopefully no one's been getting strange texts from Tazz in the last few days.

Match 1: Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely vs. Evan Bourne and Ricky Ortiz

The good news is, Chavo doesn't have to worry about the world's worst bodyguard screwing up from the floor. Ricky starts with Neely, and this could get ugly. Ortiz with forearms to Neely, and a cheap shot to Chavo for fun. Neely takes a back elbow and bails out of the ring. Fucking hell, world's worst bodyguard and world's worst tag partner? Back in, they lock up and work some basic stuff, arm wrenches and the like. Bourne gets the tag and hits a double stomp from the top to the arm of Neely. Bam tags out like a pussy and Chavo comes in to put the boots to Bourne. Evan lands on his feet off of a back suplex attempt, misses a heel kick but catches Chavo with a rana. Evan tilt-a-whirls into a fujiwar arm bar, but then rolls Chavo up for 2. Ricky Ortiz in off the tag and heads up top, and hits a flying tackle to Chavo. Bam Neely grabs a handful of hair from the apron, a distraction that allows Chavo to attack Ricky from behind. Neely in with kicks and a big right hand gets a count of 1. Neely whips Ortiz into the corner and charges in with a big clothesline. That gets him a 2 count, and now Chavo comes in off the tag. Guerrero gets 2 off of a European uppercut, and no, he's not even European. Ortiz hits a back suplex to get out of a chinlock. The world's worst tag team partner can't prevent Ortiz making the hot tag to Bourne, who comes in with a series of kicks to the chest and a heel kick to floor Neely. Bourne comes off the top with a double knee to the face of Neely (awesome, let's call that move AirBourne) and covers for 2. Chavo breaks the cover but gets caught with a dropkick, and Ortiz assists Chavo to the floor. Neely comes back with a two-handed thrust to the throat, but misses a clothesline and Bourne gets the world's quickest roll-up for 3!

Winners: Bourne and Ortiz

Match Analysis: This was a fun tag team match to kick off the show, and the logical progression from last week's antics. The heat on Ortiz was fine if unspectacular, and it didn't last too long as proven by the fact that the fans were strongly behind Ortiz the whole time. Bourne looked very impressive again and I like the fact that each week he shows us another new move, this time it was that big double knee strike from the top rope, and that he doesn't use all of his big moves in every match. It keeps things fresh. The focus is clearly on the right guy because Bourne is probably the number three face on the show behind only Finlay and Hardy. Assuming this feud progresses, the heels have to get thrown a bone because that's at least four weeks in a row now that Bourne and/or Ortiz have got the better of Chavo and Neely. A fun match to kick off the show. **1/4

Mike Knox is out and says he's not here to explain what he did last week, possibly because he already did that last week. He wants to show us the fraud that they call Finlay. Who are "they"? We see the clip of Finlay and Hornswoggle dancing that they use in the Summerslam advert. Knox says it's OK to laugh, it's appropriate. He says that is a joke. Finlay used to be one of the toughest men in the business but now those days are long gone; he spends his days dancing around. Finlay is out now. He says that really is a funny clip. All of those things you've heard about Finlay being tough are just the tip of the iceberg, Fred. Knox says he's name's Mike, but Finlay doesn't care if his name's Bill, George, Rufus, or Barney. Finlay likes to have fun and he loves his family and if Knox has a problem, he should take his shot. Finlay turns his back so Knox can jump him again. Finlay says he better knock him out, because otherwise Knox will find out whether he's gone soft or not. Knox leaves.

Segment Analysis: I liked this. Knox showed that his a fair amount of charisma and cut a pretty good, if short, promo. They reinforced the basis of the grudge between the two and that's important if people missed Knox's interview last week. This feud is never going to see a pay-per-view pay-off so I liked the fact that they didn't rush into another physical altercation between the two. As I've mentioned before, Knox is really growing on me and has become a damn good guy to have around, and it's great to see him getting some promo time and a feud with one of the bigger names on the show. Thumbs up for this segment. 3/5

Match 2: Armando Estrada vs. Tommy Dreamer
Armando's Last Chance for a Contract

They work a bunch of basic stuff early and Dreamer hits a nice hip toss followed up with a deep arm drag. Armando backs him into the corner and hits a series of thrusts, but Dreamer comes back with another hip toss. Dreamer clotheslines Armando all the way to the floor. Dreamer tries to suplex Estrada back in but Armando hangs him up across the top rope. Dreamer ducks a clothesline though and hits Estrada with a neckbreaker. Dreamer puts Armando in the tree of woe, but here comes Colin Delaney. He has a chair but Dreamer takes it off him and Colin scrambles away and hides between Grisham and Striker. Dreamer slugs Armando from the apron and comes back in and tries for the DDT, but Delaney is up on the apron. Dreamer grabs him and tosses him into the ring post, but that allows Estrada to roll up Dreamer to earn a contract.

Winner: Armando Estrada

Match Analysis: This was actually surprisingly entertaining for an Armando Estrada match, probably because it was not only short, but also full of action. OK, so the action was basic and they were just filling time until Colin ran interference, but it was a decent little match and I have no complaints. **

In the back, Armando asks Colin why he helped him. Colin says Estrada gave him a chance. Teddy Long shows up and says Colin will face Dreamer next week in an Extreme Rules match.

Match 3: Braden Walker vs. James Curtis

They lock up and Braden works the arm over until Curtis comes back with a forearm strike. Curtis runs into a hip toss though and then Walker hits a nice delayed vertical suplex for just 1. Jobbers should not be kicking out of those kinds of moves at 1. Walker works the arm again and Curtis comes back with a forearm… familiar. Walker comes back with a pair of left-sided clotheslines, then avoids a charge in the corner and hits a flying clothesline. Curtis blocks a suplex attempt and goes on the assault with forearms again, but Walker hits another clothesline and finishes with a bridging fisherman's suplex.

Winner: Braden Walker

Match Analysis: It was boring. Curtis really brought nothing to the table and all Walker had to offer was a series of clotheslines and a few nice suplexes. While it wasn't actively bad, it was far was from good and in the long will do absolutely nothing to help get Braden Walker over with the crowd. I don't know what's gone wrong with Chris Harris because he used to be a damn good worker and now he's bland as shit. *1/2

The Dirt Sheet with John Morrison and The Miz

Morrison: Hi, I'm John Morrison, and People magazine offered me $15 million for pictures of myself as a baby! I passed.
Miz: You turned them down?
Morrison: John Morrison is not for sale.
Miz: And I'm your chick magnet, The Miz! The number one show on wwe.com is set to become the number one show on ECW. Welcome to the Dirt Sheet!
Morrison: For a show as monumental as the broadcast premiere of the Dirt Sheet, we needed some pretty high profile guests. So without further ado, let me introduce our first guest. He is the ECW Champion, the World's Strongest Champion, Mark Henry.

Henry's picture is up on the screen.

Miz: Welcome to the Dirt Sheet. Are you OK doing this interview without your translator, Tony Atlas?
Henry: *grunt*grunt* yes!
Miz: I think that was a yes. But Tony, how do you feel about that?

Atlas' image is up now.

Atlas: A hip, a hop, a hibby to the hippy the hip hip hop, I ain't gonna stop ‘cause this ain't funny but what I need now is a little bit o' money.
Miz: Did he say give him money?
Morrison: I didn't get any of that.
Miz: I don't think anyone understands what he says.
Morrison: Jibberish!
Miz: Now we all know that Mark Henry is the world's strongest man. He bends steel bars, he rolls frying pans in his hands, but I've seen him in catering. I have to say, Mark, is your appetite strongest?
Henry: *grunt* Me hungry. *grunt* Eating make Mark strong. *grunt*
Morrison: No, eating makes you fat. I think you might have a gland problem because I noticed you're always sweating profusely and well, you don't really move around that much. I mean, I can't imagine that any of the Divas would find you attractive but just to be sure, we're going to ask Lena Yada.

She's up on the tron now.

Lena: Ew, gross. Big, fat, sweaty men disgusting. Miz and Morrison sexy. *kisses*
Miz: Blowing us kisses.
Morrison: Thanks, Lena. Mark, look at these abs. If you had abs like me, you might not need that belt extender to fit that ECW Championship around your stomach.

Henry's music hits, which probably means wig-splittin' time. Miz and Morrison say they were just joking around. Atlas assumes there's some type of misunderstanding. He says when they agreed to come on the show, it was not to disrespect the World's Strongest Champion. Morrison says Henry's abs look amazing. If they were going to disrespect anyone, it would be our next guest, the number one contender, Matt Hardy. Hardy's image is up on the tron now.

Morrison: Now Jeff…
Miz: (whispering) Matt.
Morrison: Matt? I thought we had the other brother. Matt Hardy, really? How did that happen?
Hardy: I don't know, I've never been number one at anything, not even in my own family. *crying*
Striker: Why does he sound like Forrest Gump?

Henry says it's good that he's used to it, because you won't be number one at anything after Summerslam. The real Hardy is out now, applauding. Hardy says that was some really original content. Hardy doesn't want to spoil the party and points out Miz's nice scarf. He loved them in Brokeback Mountain (Hardy adding to the originality there). Hardy says he won the ECW title shot by beating Miz and Morrison, because like they said, in life there are winners and there are losers.

Hardy: Be jealous, boys.
Morrison: Be jealous?
Miz: That's my line!
Morrison: He wrote that on a napkin, man.

Hardy tells Henry he's going to win the title at Summerslam. Miz and Morrison don't like getting disrespected. Miz heads towards Hardy but Matt drops him with a right. Morrison goes after Hardy but accidentally drills Henry with a right. Henry drops Morrison. Splash on Morrison! Twist of Fate on Miz! Hardy and Henry stare down as we go off the air.

Segment Analysis: Morrison and Miz are probably the best thing going in wrestling right now and are helping the new ECW on the way to becoming better than the original. Everything was priceless here, from the Conan O'Brien-esque mocking of Hardy and Henry to their lines that the microphones barely picked up. The confrontation at the end was fine and probably sets up a tag match for next week, but the highlight was Miz and Morrison's comedy. This ranged from entertaining to genius. 5/5

Show Analysis: Another damn good show, highlighted by The Dirt Sheet. We got a really fun tag match to kick off the show and a logical progression in the Dreamer/Delaney feud. The Walker match was the obvious lowlight but wasn't terrible, and the final segment was gold. ECW continues to roll.

And that's another edition of the Palace Perspective done with. Be on the look out for Thoughts From The Top Rope later today and be back here next week.

I'll leave you with another poetic masterpiece from the Shaman of Sexy himself, John Morrison!

Horsepower

Black sun descends into the mouth of night sky screaming
Fiery moon flies across tomorrow's last breath.
Serpents crowd the parlor floor
Eating away at each other with electric smiles.
In a corner of the room,
Far away from the maddening noise of the calamity,
His head aching with progress,
A soldier sits lost in the cryptic words of the general:
"This circus burns jet fuel boy...
HORSEPOWER!"