The Dope on Smackdown 8.15.08

Posted by Michael O on 08.16.2008

Don't act like you haven't been rockin' Summerslam Jam in your headphones for the last week.






We were LIVE from Norfolk, VA with J.R. & Tazz and how sad would it be if Mick leaves for good?

WWE US Title Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (champion)

Did JR just call Jeff Hardy "The Eunuch Enigma" or do I just need to brush up on my drawlonomics?
Lock up to start, with Shelton getting the early advantage and grabbing a headlock. Jeff counters it into a rollup for 2, and gets his 2nd 2 with a backslide and only in wrestling does this sentence make any sense. Jeff comes off the ropes with sunset flip, countered by Shelton, but reversed by Jeff for another pin attempt. Jeff goes for the Twist of Fate, causing Shelton to slide between his legs and under the ropes to the outside.
Back in, Shelton kicks the shit out of Hardy in the corner before slapping on a chinlock.

---And this is where I get cut out. Thanks Comcast, the guy who was here yesterday did a bang-up job! If you want the match recapped in it's entirety, I'm sure you could find it somewhere if you looked hard enough.

I join in progress several minutes later as Shelton is beating Jeff down in the corner, in preparation for the splash that he misses. Shelton tries to pick him up, but Jeff counters to a jawbreaker and follows it with a neckbreaker drop. Whisper in the wind! 2! Shelton counters a Twist of Fate to a backbreaker for 2. Jeff comes off the ropes and a double crossbody puts both down. Jeff rolls to the apron, and Shelton launches himself over for a sunset power bomb attempt, but Jeff counters to a hurracanrana to send Benjamin down hard to the floor. Back in, Shelton screws the pooch and Jeff goes up for the Swanton, but MVP shoves him off for the DQ.

Post match, MVP telegraphs a head kick for Jeff, but he ducks and Shelton takes the kick instead. Jeff hits the TOF and the Swanton on MVP.

Great fuckin' match from what I can tell, even though Festus could've told you how it was going to end.
Perhaps MVP's interference, and his errant kick to Shelton's head, will come back to bite him in his most valuable ass this Sunday.
Jeff won by DQ


Victoria comes in to the office to chat with Vickie Guerrero. Victoria, ever the sympathetic ear, asks how her summer is and Vickie starts crying. She doesn't want Victoria to leave because both the Undertaker and Edge are in the building and both of them are fucking crazy and violent. I would think the Undertaker is a fair man and since she reinstated him, it's no harm, no foul on the banishment front, right? Probably not, I guess.


Michelle McCool and Maria vs Maryse and Natalya

Check out the laugh at the start of Natalya's entrance. Somebody needs to lay off the Virginia Slims.
Maria and Maryse start, with typically horrible results, though Maryse soon does the right thing and tags in Natalya, who dominates. Maria goes for a headscissors, but Natalya holds on to her and slams her down with authority. Clothesline! Maria battles out of the corner and tags in Michelle, who takes Natalya down with a series of dropkicks and a spinning neckbreaker. Front face suplex cause Natalya to roll to the outside, where Michelle fights off Maryse and brings Nattie back in. Michelle goes for a monkey flip but is distracted by Maryse le terrible, which allows Natalya to fold up her up for the win.

Short and to the point. What was the point you ask? Natalya is an asskicker.
Natalya pinned Michelle


THE Brian Kendrick w/Ezekiel Jackson vs Scotty Goldman

Brian delivers another stellar pre-match promo. He asks Zeke if anybody brings more to the WWE than he does. Zeke says nope. "That's 100% Zeke." Maybe it's the rum talking, but that sounds like the birth of a catchphrase to me.

Scotty Goldman, who looks and sounds like a local jobber, gets a pre-taped promo and music on his way to the ring. Weird. He gets all cute and commentates his entrance.

Scotty starts out with a fancy reversal sequence but Kendrick takes him down with a flying heel kick and a dropkick. Running forearm smash into the corner sets up Brian's dreaded Camel Clutch. Scotty eventually gets free and the two go blow for blow. Brian charges but runs face first into zee boot. Flyin' ass smash gets 2 for Goldman. Kendrick counters a lift up to the, uh, Kendrick and that's that.

Post-match, Zeke does it to it. While it's nice to see Brian on the good end of a squash match after seeing the opposite for so many years, we see a lot of them thanks to all the big lugs on the show and I'm starting to fear that the squash match has become the handicap match of 2008. Remember how sick we all got of those?
Kendrick pinned Goldman


Eve Torres is in the back with Triple H and we take a look at the arm wrestling contest from last week. She wants to know if he's in any condition to compete after gettin' his head rubbed so brutally. Triple H starts to say stuff but his old nemesis Kenny shows up to announce that he plans on taking full advantage of him tonight. In a strictly wrestling sense, of course. Well, if anybody forgot who Kenny was in his absence, they'll be reminded tonight...he's the guy that spent a lot of time losing to Triple H on RAW.


The Great Khali and Ranjin Singh come on down and Khali treats us to some gibberish. Ranjin translates. Triple H is great, but no one is greater than Khali. H is nothin' but an obstacle, and one Khali shall navigate with ease. Triple H should back out while he still can. Khali should just speak for himself, but through dance, like in all the great Bollywood movies. I know that would never happen, but if it did, Khali would instantly become my favorite wrestler of all time. Too bad WCW isn't around anymore, they'd do something like that. Ranjin, with Khali at his side, joins the commentary crew.

WWE Champ Triple H vs. Kenny Dykstra (non-title)

Kenny blindsides Hunter to start and gets his beat on, before the Tripper comes back with a clothesline.
Spinebuster! Pose! Pedigree! Oh my god, you killed Kenny! You bastard!! I liked this better on RAW 2 years ago when there was a bunch of freaks and a trampoline involved and how fitting, in light of a statement I just made, that we see two of the men responsible for the glut of handicap matches in 2006 serving up more squash.
Hunter pinned Kenny

Triple H draws a line in the sand, with the belt as the line and the ring as the sand. Triple H drags Ranjin into the ring and dares Khali to come for him. Khali eventually does, and shoves out of Pedigree attempt but gets mock clotheslined out of the ring courtesy of Hunter. I say 'mock', because it looked like a mockery of somebody clotheslining somebody else out of a ring. Hmm, Khali sure doesn't seem all that invincible and I'm starting to feel more that we may be in for a surprise and a new WWE champion at Summerslam. Oh, well. Too late to change my roundtable prediction.


The Big Show vs. Ryan Braddock

Ryan takes it to Show, but gets tossed to the outside. Show brings him back in, and counters a charge by standing there. Headbutt! Big slap! Cobra clutch toss! Knockout punch for the win! Pass the squash!
Big Show pinned Braddock


Eve and her lack of propriety bust in on MVP while he's changing and he grabs the mic and talks trash on Hardy. Man, I'll admit when I'm wrong and even though I wasn't writing about wrestling at the time, if you'd asked me 2 years ago if I though MVP had "it", I would have said no. And I was wrong, big time.

Back in the office, Vickie tells the other Vickie that she still has feelings for Edge despite everything. She doesn't want to be here, which is an obvious confliction to her sense of duty as general manager. She wants Victoria to help her leave and Victoria proves she is a lot more man than me because I would left Vickie cowering in the corner and gotten the fuck outta dodge. Have you seen the Undertaker? He's scary.

R-Truth promo. If you're not living life, life is living you. Whatever dude.

Victoria wheels the GM to her limo but Edge is inside. He scares off Victoria, helps his fallen wife back into her chair and much maniacal laughter and crazed wheelchair pushing ensue.


Vladimir Kozlov vs. Festus w/Jesse

The two brawl on the outside, where Vlad sends Fes into the steps. Vlad throws in some UFC knees, a dash of punches, and an elbow to the back for good luck. Bearhug! Belly to belly and he keeps the hug. Festus eventually fights out of it and hits a retarded fallaway slam. Clothesline and some ground pounding sets up the Big Retarded Splash, which Kozlov kicks out of after 1. Festus runs into a boot, but retaliates with a bicycle kick. Festus charges for a flying shoulderblock, but Vlad counters it with a headbutt for the pin.

Probably Vlad's best squash to date, though seeing a foreigner fight a retard while a hillbilly watches brings about some depressing recess time memories from my childhood.
Kozlov pinned Festus


Edge continues to terrorize Vickie in the back. He says a lot of people pay for this. Where can you pay to get a wrestler to wildly wheel you around in a wheelchair? 'Cause I've got a few bucks burning a hole in your wallet.

The always clear sighted Edge makes his way to the ring with the thoroughly frightened Vickie, and dumps her out of the chair to many boos. I certainly need no longer wonder which one of them would keep the heel heat.

Edge sits down beside her and reminds her of their wedding vows. He acknowledges their ups and downs of late, but he wants everyone to remember the good times. We take a look at a video package of Edge and Vickie's greatest love hits, including Edge mackin' on Alicia. Whooops! Of course, it turns into a video package for Hell in the cell, which is an apt metaphor for a lot of marriages anyway.

Edge now wants Vickie to apologize to the Undertaker for all the shit she put him through.
He forces her to screech an apology and calls her pathetic and blames her for everything the family is going through. Man, Edge is an even worse pretend husband than he is a real one, and that's an accomplishment. Edge says he's burning in hell already and it feels like his brain is burning thorough his skull. He wouldn't be the first swordsman to fall to the blade of syphilis.

The suspense is killing him! Edge doesn't want to wait any longer and begs the Undertaker to come out so they can throw down right now. Undertaker does not appear, leaving Edge to continue along his downward spiral into insanity. That, and force Vickie to do wheelies 'til he gets bored of it.
Edge promises pure hell, the purest money can buy, and paraphrases his wedding vows. Intense!


The Dope:

A pretty middling show to honest, bookended by another fantastic Hardy/Benjamin match and more of Edge being a magnificent bastard. Everything else was squashtastic for the most part, and beyond the obvious hammering points, didn't really have that 'last show before the second biggest event of the year' feel.

I wasn't bitching a month ago, because we had a lot of fresh faces to introduce, and while I understand that Smackdown is still experiencing a period of adjustment, a draft hangover if you will, there have been more squash matches than my dietary needs require. Our main event was freaking Kozlov beating Festus in a 3 minute match straight out of a Saturday morning wrestling challenge episode. My hope for next week is a more balanced ratio.

2.5

****= Edge vs The Undertaker
***= Batista vs Cena
**= Hardy vs MVP
*= CM Punk vs JBL