The Dope on Smackdown 8.22.08

Posted by Michael O on 08.23.2008

"It's too late to 'pologi-ize, it's too late..." Yuck. I hate that song. But it just fit, ya know?






We were LIVE from Quad Cities, IL with Jim Ross & Tazz, and I don't know about you, but I think it's time for a new Smackdown theme.

Vickie Guerrero appears on the big screen to explain that all of her shitty actions as General Manager came at the behest of Edge, and we haven't seen the real her. Now that he's in hell, she's free to be herself.

I can't help but wonder if someone on the writing staff has some divorce related resentment to work out. Issues much? She's proud of her decision to re-instate The Undertaker, as she should be. Then she goes on about a bunch of Championship Scramble bullshit.

Basically, Smackdown is going to have it's own one at Unforgiven, with the same rules as Raw's deal, and the participants will be determined tonight through a series of qualifying matches. Championship Scramble, the idea so nice, we gotta use it twice. It's not a very creative way to deal with Hunter not having an obvious challenger, but you'd prefer it to a Summerslam rematch, yes?

And you'd kick your TV in if Hunter and The Undertaker went at it with a three week build that included a tag title reign.

At least I would.

Kick your TV in.

Maria vs Natalya

Natalya is wearing weird new tights that make it appear, from a distance, as if one of her tits is hanging out.
Nattie with a firewoman's carry into an armbar, which leads to a reversal sequence that finds Maria on top with a headlock. Natalya manages to grab an arm, but Maria flips her way out of it and hits a sloppy-ass headscissors. Natalya takes back the night with a dragon screw and bodyslams her leg first onto the ropes before settling into a leglock.

Maria fights out of it and gets a jawbreaker, and follows it with a pair of clotheslines. Natalya makes it to the corner for relief but gets none as Maria hits a Bronco Buster, AKA Queef City. Maria spears Natalya off the apron and goes outside, but Maryse shows up and helps Natalya beat down Maria for the blatant disqualification. Michelle McCool runs down and saves the day.

Fine little match, cut off before it had the chance to become horrible which it most likely would have given that Maria was in it. I would imagine this sets up a tag team match next week between Pretty Good and Not Good versus Really Good and Dogshit.

Maria beat Natalya by DQ (Make your own 'Natalya needs to lay off the Dairy Queen' joke, you pig!)


Bam, Chavo and Vickie are wheelin' around when they run into the biggest show of them all. Big Show is excited about the championship scramble qualifying matches and wants to know who his opponent will be. Vickie explains that due to an oversight on her part, he will not be taking part in any qualifying matches tonight and Show trudges off, presumably to the H.R. department.

Actually, his pyro goes off and he comes on out to watch the match, and beat up the winner. Whoops! Freudian slip there, what I meant say was congratulate the winner.

10 Man Championship Scramble Qualifying Battle Royal:
Curt Hawkins vs Zack Ryder vs Vladimir Kozlov vs Super Crazy vs Scotty Goldman vs Funaki vs THE Brian Kendrick vs Jimmy Wang Yang vs Armando Estrada vs Ryan Braddock

They all gang up and eliminate Kozlov right off the bat. Everbody fights. Hawkins & Ryder eliminate Goldman. Everybody fights some more, then Big Show comes in and clears house. He tosses Brian second to last, but Zeke catches him. He tosses Yang last and leaves, having done his job of thoroughly ruining the battle royal and getting Jimmy Wang Yang a title match in the process. Or so he may have thought, as of course, THE Brian Kendrick is declared the winner. Kendrick's victory dance is almost as funny as Zeke's "what the fuck is he doing?" look while it's happening.

The "match" was extra short, and therefore sucky by your normal standards, but I liked who won and I liked how it went down, so there. I'm sure some people will bitch about Show destroying the participants and making them look like jobbers, but, ah...they kind of all are.
THE Brian Kendrick won


R-Truth, who we are told will make his debut next week, says some stuff about truth and jail and mermaids.


Championship Scramble qualifying match: MVP vs Festus w/Jesse

Tazz ponders the meaning of "straight-up bowling" as I ponder the greatness of Tazz. I always loathe qualifying matches where it's one guy who clearly is being pushed and would make an easy choice as a participant and another guy who is Festus.

MVP ducks a retarded punch and takes it to Festus with kicks and chops. Festus battles back with an uppercut and gets 2 off a big retarded clothesline. Retarded fallaway slam! MVP boots him in the thigh and sends him shoulder first to the post in retaliation. Porter keeps on the arm with kicks and works him down to the mat with an armbar. Festus eventually uses his retard strength to break free, but MVP brings him down arm first across the top rope and gets a jumping armbreaker for 2.

Festus takes over with a retarded haymaker but misses a corner charge, allowing Montel to once again apply the armbar. Festus counters by standing up and giving him a retarded Samoan drop. Big retarded shoulderblock is followed by a big retarded splash for 2. MVP gets up and charges, but runs into a retarded boot that send him tumbling to the outside. Festus follows him out and the two brawl until the 8 count. MVP runs over to Jesse and kick him out of his chair on his way back into the ring, causing Festus to go for his friend and get counted out.

After the match, MVP brutalizes the now silent and stoic Festus with a kick to the head. What a fucking dick!
Pretty good match, actually. Much better than expected, though hurt by the fact that nobody in the crowd bought Festus suddenly qualifying for a title match and thus the proceedings were fairly heatless. Good on both of 'em for trying though.

MVP beat Festus by count-out


We catch an unforgettable Smackdown moment between Torrie Wilson, Stacy Keibler, Tajiri and Trish Stratus courtesy of WWE 42/7 that I've already forgotten about.


Championship Scramble qualifying match: Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay w/Hornswoggle

Now this is what I call a good qualifying match. Two guys who can go, with either being a reasonably viable qualifier. Finlay takes it to Shelton until he is forced to beg off in the corner. Finlay grabs a headlock and keeps it for a while. Benjamin manages to maneuver Finlay into the corner and lays in a multitude of cheapshots after the referee breaks it up. The two brawl and roll to the outside. Neither wants to be counted out, nor give the other an advantage so they come back in without taking their eyes off each other. Finlay takes Shelton down by his legs and proceeds to give one a good working over. Shelton tries to break out with elbows to the face, but Finlay transitions to another leg hold before he can succeed.

Shelton makes it to the ropes and Finlay is forced to relent. Finlay misses a corner charge and Shelton kicks the shit out of him before slapping on a grapevine chinlock. A vicious kick to the back of the head sends Finlay to the corner for cover. Benjamin looks to continue the assault so Finlay rolls it to the outside for a breather. Shelton goes for a baseball slide kick but gets caught between the apron and the ring and gets pounded on a little bit too. Back inside, Finlay scales the ropes but Shelton knocks him down hard to the canvas. Finlay is knocked so silly that he's seeing commercials!

Back from, with Shelton in control thanks to a reverse chinlock, which he soon gives up in favor of some more kicks and punches. Finlay counters a chinlock to a jawbreaker, but gets clotheslined before he can properly capitalize. Shelton tries a nerve hold on for size and Finlay chucks him throat first to the 2nd rope. Shelton comes back with violence and gets a reverse necklock, which Finlay eventually counters to a backslide for 2. Shelton nails the Dragon whip, but eats a boot on a corner charge. Finlay comes after him and gets t-bone suplexed for his troubles. Both up, both with the same idea, but Finlay's clothesline hits first. Another one is followed by a Finlay splash. Finlay nails him with a running shoulder in the corner and gets him set up for the Celtic Cross, but Mike Knox materializes behind Hornswoggle, causing Finlay to drop Shelton and get dropped with the Pay Dirt moments later.

Knox beats up Finlay after. Really, he would've been a shitty heel if he didn't.

Fantastic match, of the sort that reminds you why people used to call this "the wrestling show". See, you get one or two of these a week mixed in with fun bullshit and everybody will love you again, Smackdown. Trust me.

Shelton Benjamin pinned Finlay


Chavo, Bam, & Vickie are in the back talking about how great the scramble is going to be. Bam & Chavo agree that it would be cool if Chavo had one. A qualifying match that is. Some awkward silence is broken up by speculation as to the Undertaker's whereabouts. Lately they're always looking or waiting for somebody on this show, aren't they? Vickie needs to run a tighter ship. Chavo thinks that she should come up with an apology for the Dead Man since he has a bit of a reputation for holding a grudge. Considering that almost everybody he's ever had a problem with has either been beaten, buried, or burned (and in some cases, all of the above), she better pull out the good stationary for this one.


Championship Scramble qualifying match: Jeff Hardy vs The Great Khali w/Rankin Singh

Triple H comes out to join the commentary crew and since he's the champ, and he's not a big fat crybaby, it's fair to assume that he won't run in mid-way through the match and eliminate the competitors. Then again, he is Triple H.

J.R. congratualtes the Game on his Summerslam victory. I guess Jim is finally over that broken arm.

Take what I said about the last match, but drop the "two guys who can go" bit. 'Cause that Hardy is a real slouch. Jeff runs around slapping Khali, using his speed to avoid comeuppance, which eventually happens in the form of a clothesline. Khali follows it up with a headbutt and stomps him down in the corner. Khali gives him some elbows and telegraphs...a nerve hold? What a thing to telegraph. Bodyslam!

Khali Bomb is countered with an eye rake and Jeff goes up, but Khali Kong swats him down to the outside like the sexually ambiguous helicopter that he is. Jeff rebounds by pulling Khali throat first down across the rope and runs in to hit the Twist of Fate. He gets distracted by Ranjin before he can go up top and gets caught with the vice grip. Triple H punches out Ranjin and makes like he's going to hit him with a chair, so Khali drops the hold and lumbers over where a behind-the-ref's-back chair shot to the dome allows Jeff to "hit" a Whisper in the Wind and a Swanton for the win.

The match was okay for what it was, but I don't know that Khali should be going down that easily and that quickly. Four moves and one chair shot in five minutes? Way to blow all his monster street cred.

Jeff pinned Khali


Triple H breaks down the Championship Scramble, explaining the rules and such. So it's going to be HHH taking on Shelton, Kendrick, Hardy and MVP. Very interesting. Look Ma, no sarcasm! Kenny Dykstra comes out to interrupt him and to call bullshit on his not being in the scramble. He eats a Pedigree before he can finish his point. If Kenny makes it through the next round of cuts, I say he shows up at Unforgiven and costs Hunter the belt.


Main event apology:

Vickie and her men are in the ring. Vickie is a great woman and is big enough (I'm not going there) to apologize when she's wrong. She welcomes The Undertaker, who, much to my surprise, actually comes out to his entrance and doesn't just appear magically behind them.

Vickie pleads her case, which includes, but is not limited to, the fact that she offered up Edge to him in the hellish cell. She asks him to accept her heartfelt apology, which he does not do, so she kneels before him to deliver more squishy, apologetic goodness. He finally speaks and lets her no he has no need for an apology, but he would like her soul, if that's not too much trouble.

The gang surrounds him to prevent any soul taking, and he hands all four of them their respective asses until Bam puts him down with a flying shoulderblock. They attack and manage to subdue him long enough for Chavo to retrieve a chair, but it gets booted back into his face before he can make with the swingy-swingy. The whole thing turns into a chokeslam party as we go off the air.


The Dope:

Top to bottom, Smackdown was a pretty good show this week. MVP and Festus really put out a decent effort while Shelton and Finlay put on a fucking clinic. Everything else was OK, or at least too short to get boring, with one notable exception. Sorry, Officer. And of course, any night the Undertaker returns is a good night. What's that? He's left and returned like 50 times already? Fuck you! It's still a big deal to me.

I did realize tonight that there have been more main event apologies in the last month or so than there have been main event matchups, which is kind of odd considering that there is no 'A' in WWE, and if there was, it probably wouldn't stand for apology. I've enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, the exploits of our GM and her wacky life but I'm beginning to agree with Larry about there being an over-reliance on the main event yakety yak. Still, I'm liking Smackdown and looking forward to the next installment a fuck of a lot more than when I started doing this, so I'll go with a 3 and say keep up the good work ya big dumb show.


4= If ya smelllllll...what the Rock...is...cookin'
3= Oh, you didn't know? Your ass better call somebodyyy...
2= It's time...once again...for everybody to come aboard the Hooooooo Train!
1= Misterrrrr...Kennedyyy...Kennedyyy

C U Next Time!