Cross The Line: TNA Impact 08.28.08 Analysis

We’re starting things off with a video package of Sting being a jerk. Or exhibiting the fabled shades of gray. Nah, on second thought, he’s just being a jerk because I guess Joe didn’t give up his seat in the locker rom and because AJ didn’t carry his bags back in 2004. And since when is Sting a master of pyschological warfare? Who have I been watching for the last last twenty years? Oh well, tonight STING SPEAKS!

Earlier Today Sting sans face paint tells Lauren that the time has come and tonight, is the night. It occurs to me of the four shows that air during a given week, Impact is the only one with an opening devoid of lyrics. Doesn’t TNA want to be loved? Does it want people to question it’s heart? Don’t they want to rise up? Oh well, I guess I’m stuck listening to Don and Mike.

The dynamic duo let us know to expect Angle in action in another forgone conclusion qualifier Or is it? Now is not the time for contemplation. Now is the time for awesome.

Opening Contest: Standard Single’s Bout – Awesome Kong(w/Raisha Saeed and video of last week’s footage) vs. Sojourner Bolt

The newbie wants the stiffest competition. So yeah, she’s going to die. Sojourner follows the standard “first match against Kong” template of forearms and dropkicks, but to her credit she varies things up with what looks like a flying polish hammer. Kong simply knocks her down with her chest then takes her to the outside and whips her into the barricade. After choking the rookie with a boot across the throat, Kong tosses her into ring steps then drags her back into the ring. Sojourner shows some spunk and lands some kicks from her back. Kong hates spunk though and as she comes off the top with an axe handle, Kong picks her off in mid air. Kong rocks her with two back hands, but misses the Uraken . She goes upside Kong’s head with a palm thrust and that serves only to piss off Kong who tries to knock her head from her shoulders with a second Uraken. Awesome Bomb and the Rookie has been properly introduced to TNA.

Winner: Awesome Kong Typical Kong match. Nothing bad, but nothing new either. It gets a bit tiresome when ninety percent of Kong’s matches look nearly identical. I’m not saying I need to see people overhead suplexing her, but damn, can I get a drop kick to the knee or a drop toe hold or something?

Saeed slides in a couple of chairs and Kong stomps the newbie in the spine. After that last close up, I find Kong’s face rather cute. They open the chairs this time and I remember when Big Show choke slammed Mick Foley in a similar set up. ODB is out for the save though and Slick Johnson is completely ineffective at stopping her from beating on Kong. ODB hits a Tornado DDT and now I want to see them fight again, if only because she’s the only one that doesn’t do a million drop kicks when she fights Kong. ODB is literally pounding Kong’s ass. Whatever works sweetheart. Feeling justifiably violated, Kong bails.

To the back with JB and AJ. AJ is ready for his match against Christian for the final spot in the Four Ways To Glory match. He has nothing but good things to say about a guy that was like his brother, then a bitter enemy, and now back to being cool. He does have harsh words for Sting though and is ready to extract reciprocity for Sting’s actions. AJ wants to shove his fist down Sting’s throat and I have to know why a wrestler would say that? Why not, drop you on your head or break your arm? Oh well, AJ informs us that HIS gold medal is in a safe place.

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And we’re back with Rough Cuts: More insight into how much Creed wanted this. Terry Taylor and AJ Styles talk him up and mention how he was on the top of a short list of people they wanted when they needed someone to fill in for Pacman Jones. I had forgotten all about that guy. We get footage of Creed getting his contract and end another

Match 2: Tag Team Bout – “Middle Eastern Nightmare” Sheik Abdul Bashir(w/footage from last week) and Maple Leaf Muscle(w/X-Division Championship and Rhaka Khan) vs. Consequences Creed(w/jibber jabber) and Black Machismo Jay Lethal(w/footage from last week)

Just so everyone is up to date, we will hear the tragic tale of young woman that simply wanted to be loved by two men. 2008 is not a good year to be a non-active female in wrestling.

Lethal and Bashir tie up. Bashir misses a punch and Jay takes advantage. That’s the first time I actually noticed the whoissuicide thing. Creed tagged in and they daze Bashir with tandem dancing jabs. Bashir recovers and drives Creed to the corner. After a few punches and kicks, Bashir tags in Petey who gets in a few shots until Creed sends him to the corner and hits a leaping hesitation clothesline. Creed to the apron and Khan yanks him off the apron and he hits his jaw on the way down. A few stomps reveal Khan’s distressing lack of booty and Petey drags Creed back inside and gives him a draw breaker and spinning wheel kick. Bashir back in and he exchange blows with Creed before whipping Creed sternum first into the turnbuckle. Petey tags back in and tries a sling shot – something and misses horribly. Looks like he damn near broke his own neck on that one. Lethal gets the tag and immediately knocks Bashir off the apron then drops Petey with his arm drag/cartwheel/drop kick combo. Bashir breaks up the ensuing pin fall attempt. Lethal is undaunted and hits Petey with the backbreaker then hits a DDT on Bashir as he completes the Lethal Combo on Petey. Lethal up top, but Bashir shoves him to the mat. Petey tries to capitalize with the Destroyer, but Creed shoves Bashir into Petey and like a poorly booked face, Lethal gets the desperation roll up for the win.

Winners: Consequences Creed and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal A bit short and Bashir is still not showing me anything. Not really looking forward to a Bashir/Petey showdown.

Bashir and Petey get into a shoving contest because we’ve been begging for this match.

Hey, a cross the line promo.

To the back with Lauren and ODB, who by her own admission is one dirty bitch. She looks damn near attractive this week, lending credence to the notion “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” She likes it hard and rough, every Friday night. All things in moderation is my motto. This zoo is not big enough for them both and did I mention ODB is always open? Has this woman no shame? More importantly, does she have a myspace page?

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And we’re back with Karen’s Angle Hey it’s Abyss or Chris Parks and he flips over a table because he’s nuts or something. I thought they fixed that? Rocking back and forth will not quell those criticms of you being a Mankind knockout. Abyss had to do his own laundry. It truly is a hard knocked life. That camera angle makes it look like his face is buried in Karen’s chest. Chris and Abyss are one. He wants to wrestle. He’s rehabilitated. So why did he flip over that table? That’s not rational at all. Abyss wants to know what Karen looks for in a man. He laughed at almost the exact moment I did. She’s such a drama queen. Abyss seems like a good catch to me. Why is she crying? The guy is waxing poetic and it’s not half bad. Better than Soulja Boy. I like Abyss’s laugh. Wow, Karen’s Angle still sucks, but psycho stalker with a heart of gold Abyss is awesome.

To the back and it looks like they intend to befoul the Beautiful People with Kip Oh joy. Lauren leaves. Velvet calls Taylor a wanna be beauty and Roxxi a beast. Velvet says they are what all the ladies wanna be and who the guys (like me) want to be with. Angelina adds that the women want them too. Holla! She sounds adorable when she says that. I just want to pinch her cheeks or something. By the way, they don’t swing that way. Angelina has an itty bitty waist that will make a good home for the Knock Outs Title. Wow, they nearly cut her off in mid word for these…

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And we’re back with Kurt Angle who is definitely not a former Gold Medalist. He won that medal with a broken freakin’ neck. AJ has stroke through osmosis I guess. Angle wants to beat AJ around the locker room. Trigg wants him to focus on beating Kevin Nash and that will he will take care of AJ and Karen and everything else. Trigg is no Tomko and will always be there for him. .

Match 3: Standard Single’s Bout – Jimmy Rave (w/ Guitar Hero Grip, Christy Hemme and possible undiagnosed venereal disease) vs. Curry Man (w/ pimp hat and pimp cane)

Curry attacks Rave before the match.. He sets Jimmy on the apron but Christy distracts him. Curry makes the most of it and cops a feel before dipping her and sending her back to the floor. Rave drops him with a beautiful STO on the apron. It’s all Rave until he attempts the Move that Rocked the World. Curry counters and takes over. A high Cross body garners his first pin fall attempt. Rave takes over with a knee to the gut and a Shining Wizard. Curry stops a charge and hits a nice back breaker. Rave tries to block the Spice Rack but falls victim regardless.

Winner: Curry Man Way too short, but they worked in a couple of nice spots and most importantly, Curry Man won.

Christy slaps Curry Man, but it doesn’t distract him enough and he fights off Lance Rock until she goes low on his spicy meatballs. Lance drops Curry with a reverse crucifix into a between the legs slam. Cue the Brotherhood music. Why are those goofs posing? Save Curry Man you sum bitches. Why is Good so stupid?

To the back with Lauren and Cornette. He makes a six person match pitting the Brotherhood against the Rock and Rave Infection. Lauren is pushed aside so that Cornette can bestow upon Tracy Brooks the position of Knock Out Law, which is a not the most creative title in the world. I do hope she gets a badge though. Corny equates wrestlers to products with shelf lives and that Tracy is in charge of determining those expiration dates. Or something, I started thinking about how some artificial preservatives will keep one of those snack pies edible for like two years, Corny remarks that she will never drown and well, old man, big breasts, you expect him not to say something?

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And we’re back in the Pimped Out Locker Room. As Booker addresses Jeremiah in a quasi-Jamaican, pseudo Ghanaian accent, Team 3D fight over the robes like kids and Big Daddy Booker has to chastise them. After a faux paux with the champagne, Team 3D is dismissed from the sanctuary.

Still to come, Angle vs Nash, and the Beautiful People in action.

To the back and this time JB is with Nash. Nash reminds of us of the favor Cornette promised him and how Nash cashed it in to be a part of this match. Nash says he’s not qualifying to win the title, but if Joe isn’t ready to walk out the champ, Nash may have to relieve him of that responsibility. Drama, my friends. Drama.

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And we’re back with Joe making his way to the commentator’s desk.

Match 4: Four Ways To Glory Qualifier – Kurt Angle vs. “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash

Tenay stirring the pot a bit in regards to Nash and Joe’s relationship. Nash is only a five time World Champ? That’s a shock to me. Could have sworn he won it that many times in just the last year of WCW. Joe know’s Nash will be gunning for him and he welcomes it.

By the way, Angle has been stalling this whole time and even takes a moment to roll out of the ring and make eye contact with the Champ. Nash takes him down when he finally gets back in. Angle rebounds off the ropes but gets caught and dumped with a massive scoop slam. He misses the elbow and Angle goes to work for a few moments until Nash reverses a whip and moves faster then I’ve seen him in a while with the immediate clothesline. Back breaker and stretching him across the knee. Nash sends Angle to the corner and brings the knee lifts and the snap shot elbow to the face. Boot choke and it’s time for some…

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Match Continued with Angle in control. He truly is the master of commercial tide turning. Angle stomping the knee then locks in a Figure Four. Joe dissecting the hold and giving us a reminder of how horrible Nash’s knees are as he offers advice on what the big man needs to do. Big Kev gets the ropes and then manages to drop Kurt with a huge side slam and both men are down. Maybe I’m biased, but Kurt throws great punches. Nash throws a decent one himself. Snake eyes! Nash literally walks over to Angle and straddles him in the ropes. I would say he’s selling the knee, but then he shocks the hell out of me with a jumping shoulder block. He then sends Angle to the outside with a clothesline. As Angle struggles to his feet, Nash slaps Joe in the face! This will not end well. They exchange expletives. Back in the ring, Nash is ready for the Jack Knife, but Joe distracts him and more importantly the ref. Angle with the Greco Roman uppercut to the nuts, Angle Slam and just like I thought, Angle moves on. Pretty sure that leaves no doubt as to who the final participant will be.

Winner: Kurt Angle Well that wasn’t a bad match. It wasn’t particularly good, but they worked okay with the time they had.

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And we’re back with first a video package of Jeff Jarrett’s greatest hits and speculation that he’s been providing AJ and Joe with fresh guitars for their El Kabonging needs.

A second video package does more of a TNA career retrospective of Jeff Jarrett. I’m not ashamed to admit I get a bit misty eyed when he started talking about his wife.

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We’re back with Val and Lauren. Wow, Val looks like she’s wearing a mardi gras mask. A match for a ring? Yay! So will this be a ladder match or a Pole match? At least nobody’s wearing a tux this time. I really wish I could win a wife in a wrestling match. I’d make Ric Flair look like the blandest baby face ever.

Knock Out video Cross that line baby, cross that line.

Match 5: Tag Team Bout – The Beautiful People(w/ Cute Kip?) vs. Roxxi and Taylor Wilde(w/ Knock Out’s Championship)

Roxxi shoves Angelina onto her very shapely rear to start this shin dig. Cute Kip gives hair advice or something and I wonder whose idea it was for him to be a consultant. Roxxi controls Angelina with with some basic holds. Taylor tagged in and Angelina runs out of the ring to once again consult Cute Kip because he needs all the screen time he can get. Velvet Sky in and Taylor immediately takes her down and servers up a heaping helping of piston like right hands. Sky halts Taylor with a kick to the gut, but Taylor drops her with a Thez Press and some more rapid fire punches.

Taylor whips her into the corner and follows with a nice shin kick to the midsection. Taylor mounts her for some forearm shots and Angelina bashes her over the head with a make up kit. Sky in control now and takes time to taunt Roxxi. The Beatuiful People double team Taylor because the ref is easily distracted. Angelina back in with a snap mare and basement drop kick. Hair lift and toss. Beautiful People taunt and another hair lift and toss.. Angelina drags her face across the ropes. Classic heel goodness. Let’s go to break.

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Match Continued and we’re back with Roxxi who’s La maison de feu. Roxxi has her way with the Beautiful People with a spine buster and a fall away slam. Taylor completely misses a huge splash. Roxxi has her up for the Voodoo Drop, but Velvet blinds her with Arrogance and finish things with the huge bicycle kick.

Winners: The Beautiful People There was a little good, but a whole lot of bad. Velvet really brings these tag matches down.

The Beautiful people Brown Bag Roxxi. Taylor is back in and slaps Kip twice before the Beautiful People maul her. Kip pulls out the Brutus the Barber shears but Rhino saves Taylor because he freakin’ can.

Sting descends the stairs all angsty and what not. Sting is next, after these…

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We’re back with another video package

Main Event Promo Well, here’s Sting. Let’s see what he has to say. Sting brings up his interview a few months back and his possible retirement. Sting believes that the new generation is not ready to carry the business into the future and beyond. Sting did not appreciate Joe disrespecting a legend when he continued beating on Booker. He needs Joe to understand that people like Sting paved the way for him to have a job. A young Ric Flair took Sting under his wing when he was Joe’s age. That’s the difference between Sting and Joe. Sting respects the generartion that preceded him. He then directs his attention to AJ and wants AJ to know that if anyone owes something, it’s AJ. The crowd is eating this up. AJ has had enough and comes out to confront Sting. AJ admits that he idolized him and has never disrespected him. AJ helped build this company. Sting says you can’t respect someone then turn around and call them a coward or say they owe something. He brings up the post match attack on Angle and Sting really is making sense with the supposed faces going too far. Sting brings up the Olympic Gold and says Michael Phelps would never spit on Mark Spitzer. Sting offers to let AJ whack him with the bat. He begs him. AJ relents and goes for the swing, but gets botted in the gut and Scorpion Death Dropped. Play that man’s music. Nope, that’s the theme from Planet Jarrett. That’s our show!

Very, underwhelming show. If I didn’t have to recap this, I would have spent more time watching DNC. Well, the show didn’t cross the line to bad, but it definitely didn’t take any steps away from it, so Don’s staying put one step away from crossing the line.

That does it for this week folks. Vote Obama or the terrorists win. See you next week and remember, don’t be afraid to Cross the Line