The Dope on Smackdown

Posted by Michael O on 08.30.2008

Two stellar matches, two debuting superstars and one terrified general manager equals Smackdown!





File Under: The report is right under this paragraph, Jimbo or What I'm sure will be decried by some dork as a vain attempt to look "cool"

After what feels like years, but in actuality was no more than 6 weeks, I decided to hit the peace pipe hard
before watching tonight's broadcast of Smackdown. I've been good-ish lately so I decided to treat myself and besides, I ate a fair few hash cookies at Radiohead last week so the seal was already broken. Does this have any bearing on the quality of tonight's recap? Eh, hard to say, but I'd like to think it can't make it any worse. And what do you care? You don't have to put up with this. You can stop reading whenever you like. How 'bout now, tough guy? No? Fine then. You win. Ish.

For all my fuckers and fuckerettes out there: Roll it up (not too tight), light it up and smoke that shit, it's time for some Smackdown!


We were LIVE from Pittsburgh, PA with Jim Ross & Tazz, and...*GONG!*

The Undertaker moseys on out to inform Vickie Guerrero that he is not the forgiving sort and he'll be coming on her and her soul. Oh no, I meant for. For her soul. And she's going to hell. Well, at least she'll be able to be with Eddie again.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger, man. Take it up with Randy.


An R-Truth promo leads to an actual factual appearance of the man himself.

Kenny Dykstra comes out to say he's a hot 22 year old prospect and R-Truth is nothing but a convict. Uh...better watch what you say Kenny, or R-Truth might try and stick his c-note in your prison wallet. Looks like we've got a fight on our hands...

R-Truth vs Kenny Dykstra

I know I'm not the only one who thought the Spirit Squad were kinda fun. Admit they grew on you over time and eventually won your heart with their unique brand of in-ring athleticism and their in-the-closet and fucking proud of it attitude. Confess. it will do your soul good and it will make me feel less alone in the world.

R-Truth slaps Kenny down like the prag that he is and takes him face first to the corner. Ron shoots Kenny off the ropes and reverses his hip-toss counter to a victory roll for the first 2 of the night. Kenny meets him with a clothesline and stomps him down before getting a 2 count of his own. Dykstra transitions to bow & arrow, which Truth eventually breaks free from and repays with a clothesline and spinning corkscrew elbow. The Scissors Kick (or Truthiness, as I'd like it to be called) finishes.

Not exactly the most impressive "debut" I've ever seen. 10% of the crowd was like "cool, it's Ron Killings", 5% were like "Oh, it's the return of, what was his name...K-Kwik?" and the rest couldn't care less.
R-Truth pinned Kenny


Maryse busts in on Michelle McCool's photo shoot. It's just for WWE magazine, so put your boners away. Maryse gets all French and bitchy on her ass, giving me my first taste of her mic skills and I have to say, I like what I saw. Too bad the match is going to be awful. Does anybody have a good answer as to why Victoria isn't the first challenger? She's a veteran and she's great, which only means good things for the burgeoning talent of Michelle and the quality of her first big title defense, and by extension, the quality of the new Divas title. I honestly can't see any sense in the decision, but what do I know. I'm just a stoner.


Divas Champion Michelle McCool & Maria vs Maryse & Natalya

Natalya, who I must say is looking very fit and trim tonight, dominates Michelle to start. Michelle fights out of a headlock and gets a fancy Russian leg sweep before wrenching the arm and tagging in Maria. Maria tries to pick up where Michelle left off but gets her ass kicked. Maryse tags in to get herself some but Maria goes crazy on her. Maryse withstands the barrage and hits a DDT for the win. Aww man, I just realized that with Cherry gone, I'll no longer be able to call a "Double D-DT".

Michelle fights with Maryse after the match, and Natalya ends up getting decked by her partner. Accidentally, of course.
Match was "bah".
Maryse pinned Maria


We get a package for tonight's big Summerslam rematch between Jeff Hardy and MVP. Maybe we'll finally get the match that we'd like to think these two are capable of giving us.

Some Chick interviews Jeff in the back and gains keen insight into who Jeff thinks will win the Summerslam rematch tonight and who Jeff thinks will win the Scramble. It's Jeff, if you were still wondering.


Vickie is in her office and she's FREAKING OUT! I guess all that "someone trying to steal her soul and send her to hell" stuff has got her down and I think we can all relate to that.


Jeff Hardy vs MVP

Hardy drop-toe-holds his way to headlock heaven. MVP tries to back suplex his way out, but it ain't happening. Jeff relents and puts him down with a pair of shoulderblocks, but goes to the well too often and gets dumped to the floor. Hardy comes back in and kicks ass, causing Montel to take a self-imposed breather on the outside. Back in, Hardy gets a leg sweep and follows it with a leg drop. Jeff then gets a series of armdrags and keeps the last one for an armbar. MVP takes it to the corner, but Hardy comes with a running forearm and sends him to the opposite corner. Jeff misses a charge but still sends MVP shoulder first to the post moments later and dropkicks the arm. Hardy sends him to the outside and fakes him out with a plancha attempt before hitting him for reals with a flying assault as we get hit with a commercial assault.

Back from, with Jeff very much in control of the arm he's been wearing down all match. He decides to get his punch on and pays for it as MVP sends him to the buckles. He hangs Jeff up on the ropes and kicks him, sending him to the floor. Porter follows to pick him up and slam chest first onto the barricade, before rolling him back in for 2. MVP pounds away with his fists and drops a knee for another 2.MVP slaps on a seated abdominal which Jeff manages to sorta-Samoan drop his way out of it.

Spinning kick sets up fancy corner dropkick and a facebuster sets up the Swanton, but MVP gets his knees up, causing Jeff to land back first on them. Oh, that looked like it fucking HURT! MVP hits a running baseball slide kick onto the corner bound body of Jeff. Now that Jeff is wrapped around the post, MVP goes outside to pull on his arms and legs before covering him for another 2. Montel picks him up and lays him down across the top turnbuckle for a devastating kick to the back. MVP rubs his boot in his face, and Jeff fights back only to be beaten down for yet another 2. Camel clutch! Elbow drop! Bodyslam! Porter hits the big standing knee drop for 2.

Jeff fights out of a bow & arrow but MVP hits a back suplex for 2 and 3/4. Hardy punches his way back into the mix and charges but MVP meets him with a snap overhead toss. A slugfest ensues and Jeff goes up for the Whisper but gets clipped and crashes down hard to the mat. MVP sets him up for a super backsuplex but Jeff turns in mid air for a painful landing on Porter and a 2 count. Montel is up and charges but gets caught with a lariat. Whisper in the Wind! Swanton! Jeff wins!

As you well know, I don't rate matches, but if I did, this one would be in the four snowflake range and thus we finally got an above average clash between these two. Cheers all around. Post match, Shelton runs out and hits Paydirt on Jeff. MVP indulges in a little schaudenfraud until he gets hit with Paydirt himself.
Jeff Hardy pinned MVP


Josh Matthews and Candice Michelle give us some coverage of the Democratic National Convention and I for one am glad they do as I noticed the coverage on all the other networks seemed to be significantly lacking in Batista.


Jesse & Festus vs WWE tag team champions Zack Ryder & Curt Hawkins (non-title)

Festus goes crazy to start, unleashing a retarded flurry upon the champs, causing them to take a powder and confer on the outside. The Big Show comes out and destroys everybody. Show grabs the mic and lets us all know that he won't be overlooked again.

Well, I'd love to complain about Big Show busting up another contest and making everybody look like bitches, but I've seen more than enough match-ups between these two teams and the tag titles can't really be any more de-valued than they already have as far as I'm concerned, so I'm glad that he did.

No contest


Vickie is still petrified in her office. What an absolutely horrible work environment.


Victoria vs Brie Bella

Brie is a very tiny girl, at least in relation to Victoria. Vic takes her down hard with a headlock but Brie flips out of it and hits a monkey flip before getting 2 off a roll up. Victoria catches her cross body and plants her with a backbreaker for 2. Brie looks like she's be broken in half by that if it happened in "real life". Snap suplex and standing moonsault get 2 for Victoria. Vic boots her in the gut , causing Brie to go outside and actually try to crawl under the ring for a respite. Victoria drags her back in and gets small packaged for the shocking upset surprise debut victory.

Eh, pretty by-the-numbers stuff, and I think I've made my feelings about the mis-use of Victoria known for the night.
Brie pinned Victoria


Brian Kendrick and Zeke are hanging out in the back and catching up on a little reading. Brian tells us about winning the biggest match of his career last week and goes on to brag about how smart he is for taking the night off. Uh...If you're not going to wrestle tonight, why aren't you wearing a shirt?


Shelton appears on the tron to tell us how precious he is.

Shelton Benjamin vs WWE champion Triple H (non-title)

HHHammerlock into a HHHeadlock for starters. Shelton gets a pair of armdrags and an armbar, which HHH eventually armdrags his way out of. Benjamin gets it right back, so Hunter punches him in the face to escape. Shelton takes him to the corner and gets in some cheap shots but HHH pulls the ol' switcheroo and gives him a taste before grabbing some arm. Shelton gets some more cheapshots in the corner but a clothesline allows Hunter to regain arm control. Knee meets arm a few times, then Hunter settles on a fujiwa armbar. Shelton punches his way out and comes off the ropes, but Hunter is waiting with an armbreaker. More arm work from Helmsley, which leads to more cheapshots in the corner from Benjamin. Shelton comes off the top but gets caught with a kick and a wham but manages to evade the Pedigree. I manage to evade commercials with my remote control.

Back from, with HHH crawling around on the outside. He gets met with a neckbreaker upon re-entry. Shelton stays on the attack with punches and knees before slapping on a neck vice. He trades up to some headscissors but HHH rolls him up for a pin, causing Shelton to break the hold.

Benjamin rolls to the outside apron and tries to suplex Hunter to the outside. He gets suplexed back in, but counters to a neckbreaker on the way down. Bodyscissors! Hunter fights out but gets beat down once again in the corner. Shelton runs into a boot but flips Hunter into the corner anyway. Shelton hits the splash from behind but misses a front one and HHH takes him out with a forearm to the back of the head, causing both to hit the mat. They beat the 10 count and duke it out. Benjamin comes off the ropes but eats knee Powerslam! 2! Shelton goes for the Dragon Whip, misses, and gets planted with a DDT. 2! Shelton kicks him in the fuckin' face for a 2 of his own. Hunter retaliates with a spinebuster and goes for the Pedigree but Shelton counters it to a backbreaker for 2.

Shelton comes off the ropes just in time for Triple H knee smash. Khali's music hits and The Great one saunters out to distract HHHim long enough for Shelton to sneak up and try for the Paydirt. Hunter ducks it though and hits the Pedigree for the win. Shelton waffles him with the US title after, knocking him out cold and Khali picks the remains.

Great match, and while Shelton was definitely made to look like he can hang with The Game, I wasn't in love with that finish. I mean, it's not as though Shelton had to win, but if Khali's going to come out and distract, it may as well favor the heel. Oh well, points for originality and I guess Hunter is set to lose his belt soon anyway so I suppose it's best to make it look like nobody in the Scramble has a chance and surprise everyone even more. 'Cept me.
Hunter pinned Shelton

Vickie is still freaking out in her office when the lights go out. Then she REALLY freaks out and that's our show.


The Dope:

Hmmm. The Csonkanator complains for weeks about the endless main event interviews and I do it once and they listen, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he may have more pull around here but *I* have more pull with WWE creative. Take that, Larry! (Just kidding and don't fire me, K?)

Hardy and MVP turned up the heat and delivered a PPV caliber match, much more so than their last two PPV matches, ironically, while Shelton and Hunter brought the greatness in their own right. Unfortunately, little else on the show warrants mention but such is life. The continuation of the Undertaker's quest for vengeance is intriguing, as Vickie doesn't really have anybody who isn't a fucking goof to back her up right now, which leads me to wonder if we'll soon see her take up a new charge in order to protect herself. How long is Umaga supposed to be gone for?

Anyways, a couple of unimpressive debuts, a crap women's match and a tag team non-match were balanced out by two really fantastic bouts. Sounds like a 3 to me.

4= The Four Horsemen
3= Evolution
2= Nation of Domination
1= Kai En Tai

C U Next Time!