The RAWtopsy 9.01.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 09.02.2008

Another violent contract signing and the debut of the Honk-o-Meter.

by J.D. Dunn

September 1, 2008

Live from St. Louis, Mo.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Randy Orton opens the show in his hometown. Quite a vocal Orton contingent. He calls out all the champions on the show. Beth Phoenix is a lovesick puppy, and her boyfriend is a unibrowed loser. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes let a couple of thugs steal their title. Oh, and that greasy little turd that has the nerve to call himself the World Champion is the worst of all. After all, Randy was main-eventing Summerslam while Punk was wrestling at some no-name promotion in front of 500 fans. Um, it has a name. It's called Full Impact Pro. CM Punk interrupts and says some people don't have their pappy and grandpappy pulling strings for them, so they have to work at it. Punk doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs and doesn't ride his motorbike at 3am trying to pop wheelies. OH SNAP, SON! Randy says this conversation will have to continue at a later date.

JBL comes out to replace Randall on the mic. He reminds Punk that there is an 80-percent mathematical chance that Punk loses his title. Again, that's only if you're doing a random drawing, not if you have control. That's like saying the Patriots only have a one-in-four chance of winning the AFC East. Kane interrupts JBL, and we learn that he's "conflicted." He objects to the term "Clothesline from Hell" because he's been to hell and didn't see any clothesline. Do they even do laundry in hell? Batista comes out and spears Kane. JBL uses the opportunity to attack Punk, but Batista spears him too. And then – just because – he spears Punk.

Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas.
Haas comes out to John Cena's music, dressed as John Cena, and it takes me until he gets up into the ring to realize that it's *not* John Cena. In fact, outside of being a little scrawnier, he does look a lot like Cena. It doesn't do him much good, though, as Kofi hits the Bo-Bo Legdrop. Haas kicks him and rolls him up, but that goes about as sloppy as it would had John Cena tried it. Kofi finishes with Trouble in Paradise at 2:00. 1/2*

In the back, Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes object to Randall's comments about them, so he slaps Cody and tells him to grow some balls.

Mike Adamle welcomes Tiffany (not the 80's mall pop icon) and Teddy Long. Tiffany's all, "We love you, Adamle!" and Mike's like, "I wanna fuck you too!" Adamle wants to have some ECW guys on Raw. Kane comes in and yells at Adamle for announcing Rey Mysterio is back. Turns out Adamle's announcement was only an invitation.

ECW Scramble Royal:
Your participants are Chavito, Matt Hardy, The Miz, Fit Finlay, and Mark Henry. Everyone goes after Mark Henry, but he splits their wigs. Hardy and Miz double DDT Henry, and then Finlay slams Chavo on him. Chavo double-crosses the Miz, and they both get dumped by Henry. The World's Strongest Splash turns Finlay into a pancake. There goes Finlay. Matt hits a clothesline, but Henry just picks him up and tosses him over the top at 3:26. Henry is dominant. *

William Regal vs. Jamie Noble (w/Layla).
Layla is SMOKIN' tonight. But then again, it's a day ending in the letter "y." Noble requested this match to impress Layla. He's not so impressive early, getting kneed into the corner and T-Boned. Regal stomps on his face and tosses him into the corner again. Regal reaches down to pick him up, so Noble small packages him for the win at 1:36. Layla is apparently impressed with the guy who got his ass kicked for a minute and a half and then got a totally fluke win. You know what impresses me? A skin tight beige dress and leather boots. 1/2*

Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix & Katie Lea Burchill.
Jillian sings a little Nelly before the match. Wow. Tupac and Biggie got off easy. Candice is making her return, looking like Victoria's hot younger sister. She looks really good in a leather top. I believe that qualifies her to be Secretary of the Interior. Beth and Jillian doubleteam Mickie as Katie distracts the ref. Beth hits a slingshot suplex. Candice gets the hot tag and cleans house, including a spectacularly f***ed-up headscissors. Candice goes up, and the other faces block the heels from interfering. Beth rolls through her crossbody, but Candice small packages her for the win at 4:15. Good to see Candice again. Hopefully, she can return to form. *1/2

Recap of the HBK/Y2J feud. I'm thinking of setting up a religion based around their teachings.

Santino Marella vs. D-Lo Brown.
Santino introduces us to the Honk-a-Meter. Marella promises to be the greatest Intercontinental Champion ever, and since "The Honky Tonky Man" was IC Champ for 64 weeks, he only has 62 more to go. See, now that's just begging for him to hold the title for 63 weeks and then lose it to a returning Honky Tonk Man. D-Lo looks good, hitting a Shining Wizard. He misses the Lo Down, though, and Marella rolls him over for the pin at 1:18. 1/2*

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Cryme Tyme.
Cody and Ted attack CT and steal their titles back. No match. [N/R]

In the back, Randall now likes the cuts of their jibs.

At the Republican National Convention, Mickie James and Mr. Kennedy rub elbows with the McCains and Jon Voight. Whoa – a Kennedy at the RNC?

Kennedy.

Raw Battle Royal:
It's everyone but Rey. Punk hangs back as Batista unloads on Kane and JBL. JBL goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Batista spears him. Punk fights out of the corner but walks into a spinebuster. Kane saves him from the Demonbomb, and that allows Punk to clothesline Batista out. JBL charges and gets backdropped over by Punk. Punk avoids a charge and hits a trio of knees. Kane blocks the bulldog, though, and boots Punk in the face. Kane knocks Punk to the apron, but Punk tries to come back in with a springboard. Oh, but Kane sees him coming and chokeslams him over the top at 4:16. Punk lands near Orton, who was observing from ringside and tosses a drink in his face. Oh, but wait! Apparently, Rey Mysterio is here. He jumps Kane and preps for the 619. Kane runs away, though. Mysterio jumps on him and ranas him into the audience. Rey seems to have slimmed down a bit, but maybe I just remember him as being extra bloated. **

Main-Event Contract Signing:

Mike Adamle wants the WWE absolved from any injuries that may occur at Jericho and Michaels' match. Sadly, that didn't apply to this contract signing. These guys are awesome even when they're not saying or doing anything. Michaels is all, "Grrr, I'm going to stare you down," and Jericho's like, "Bitch, I'm not even going to look in your direction. Take that." Jericho and Michaels dismiss the security around them, and then Jericho unfurls his thesaurus with "solipsistic." KICK ASS! Jericho has forbidden his kids from watching the PPV because he doesn't want to see the level of violence he's about to inflict. Shawn says he'll have no regrets because sometimes you have to look evil in the eye and spit on it and then rape its corpse. So, McCain supporter? They're about to go at it, but Lance Cade jumps Shawn from behind. Jericho sacrifices Cade and hightails it out. Shawn was apparently injured in the fracas, but hopefully it's something he can work through. Or, actually, I wouldn't mind Shawn sitting on the shelf while Jericho spends every week until WrestleMania making fun of him.

The 411: Nothing wrong this week. It's the go-home week, so lots of heat on the big matches. Shawn/Jericho continues to be awesome, and it's a shame that they devolve into cartooniness way too often instead of being able to do things like this.