A Brace For Impact 10.09.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 10.10.2008

The new format makes its début as Michael O joins Lansdell for some Impact analysis!

Greetings humanity! Welcome back to A Brace for Impact, the only Impact recap to bring you dueling sarcasm! I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and with us this week is a man whose star has rapidly risen here on 411mania, a man who may well necessitate the renaming of this column to High Impact, Cheers ‘n' Jeers own…Michael O!

Michael: Hi everybody! (Everybody: "Hi, Michael O!") This will be a night of many firsts. First time I'll be writing about TNA (beyond a handful of digs in Cheers 'n Jeers, cheap pop, blah, blah, blah), first time I'll be participating in a real time chat with a fellow 411er, and the very first time I'll be watching an episode of Impact from start to finish! Historic! Any whiners out there, getting snot all over your pop tarts whilst crying "what's he doing commenting on Impact, he doesn't even watch it", can cram it. As you will come to see, I'm perfectly capable of providing fair and objective insight. Do I have to wait for the show to start, or can I just commence with the "Fire Russo" chants already? Anyways, if you don't like it, blame Lansdell, it's his deal.

Wait, this is supposed to be fair and objective? Oh fuck. Ah well. BANNER!

The Matches

No DQ - Kute Kip (with Dat Azz Squared The Beautiful People) vs. Rhyno

Lansdell: As a special bonus, you get to review a Kute Kip match
Michael: Gore! Gore the cute right out of him!
Lansdell: They should start a Gore the Whore chant
Michael: This was like a bad match you could've seen on Heat in 2001. In fact, this probably was a bad match you saw on Heat in 2001.
Lansdell: Couldn't have said it better myself. 80% of the match was outside the ring. They weren't as bad as you'd expect from Kip, and the result and post-match shenanigans set up BFG well. Because it was so inoffensive I want to give it higher than I should, but I'll just stick with *½
Michael: Alright, that match just ended and I've already forgotten that I've seen it. I'll give it *, with half of that going for the use of aerosol, which was great. Screwing over a face and the environment at the same should garner a lot of heel heat.

Winner: Kute Kip via pinfall (Spear through table after aerosol to face)
Average rating: *¼

#1 Contender's Match for the X-Division Title – Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed

Michael: I do love me some black machismo
Lansdell: No comment. Just by the way, if Lethal and Dutt are both in the Steel Asylum, it will be the 10th PPV in a row that they've fought. Check out the bacne on Dutt.
Michael: I'd rather not. That's crazy though! Who do they think they are, Taker and Austin? Or Taker and Mankind? Or Taker and Edge?
Lansdell: They never faced off that often. Not consecutively anyway.
Michael: With Petey doing the Steiner thing, Creed doing the Apollo Creed thing and Lethal doing the Savage thing, this is almost like watching a midget impersonation match or something
Of course Apollo was never a wrestler, but he was a fictional character in Rocky movies, and I think that's close enough. Fuck, this is a sweet match so far. This is what TNA does well.
Lansdell: Very nice. I fear it was too short though. Speed, creative spots, a good result and nobody looked weak. I love how they cut right to Bashir for his take on the opponent for the PPV, and of course the choice of opponent is perfect as it follows the feud that's been building. Insert Shane Sewell as ref to cost Bashir the title and the circle will be complete. I have to knock off some snowflakes for duration, but this gets a solid **3/4 and could have gone higher with longer.
Michael: A little too short for my liking, but what was here was absolute quality. I'll give it ** and 3/4, but if this was given a few more minutes, and those minutes were good, we'd be looking at an easy ****

Winner: Consequences Creed via pinfall (on Petey, TKO of someone else onto him)
Average Rating: **3/4

Blue Abyss vs. Beer! Money!

Michael: : What the hell happened to Matt Morgan? He went from sucking in the WWE and being arrested for impersonating a cop, to not sucking in TNA and having his DNA shot into space
Lansdell: They know how to use him, and that's something I never thought I'd say about TNA
Michael: That's something I never thought I'd read about TNA
Lansdell: Well this was good. Not great, but good. Morgan flying over Abyss's head with a cross body was an amazing sight and having the champs lose sets up some doubt for Sunday. They did some good solid work on Morgan's leg following a distraction and a double team, allowing the match to build without ruining the dominance of Morgan and Abyss. Morgan sold it well. I'll go with **.
Michael: So Matt & Abyss won, guess they really don't want to be tag team champions. See, I think that when the champs lose just before the big dance, it practically guarantees a victory at the PPV. Match was what it was...ahhh...let's go *1/2.

Winners: Morgan and Abyss
Average Rating: *3/4

Awesome KONG~! and Raisha Saeed vs. Roxxi and Taylor Wilde

Lansdell: Taylor Wilde may have less heat than Beth Phoenix
Michael: Beth has tons of heat. People are just in awe of her. Stunned silence and all that.
Lansdell: I'd let her do me.
Michael: I'd let her do you, too
Lansdell: Not that I'd have a choice. Beth takes what she wants. You can have Kong
Michael: I'd fool around with her, maybe, like if I was on a ton of ecstasy, but I think that's as far as it would go.
Lansdell: You seem to think you have any say in the matter
Michael: I dig Kong though. I don't want to dig her with my meat shovel, but I'd like to see her come over to the E and kill most of the divas.
Lansdell: Kill, eat, either or.
Michael: How come the broad in the burkha isn't with Bashir?
Lansdell: She wouldn't be allowed out of the locker room if she was. The match was a lot better than the Knockouts matches we've seen over the past few weeks, which was needed since this match has not really had any build since it was announced. Kong looked good but showed she wasn't invincible, Roxxi took a beating before losing and Wilde wasn't pinned. For a minute I was worried that Saeed was going to pick up the win over Wilde, but they fortunately saw the wisdom in not jobbing their champ out to someone who isn't even in the PPV match. I'll go with **½ but mainly because there was no Backfist.
Michael: Women's tag matches are another thing TNA seems to do much better than the WWE. Kong is a convincing monster and I have a lot more fun watching her than I do most of the "divas". Fine match, no complaints on the booking tip...I'll have what you're having. **1/2

Winner: Awesome Kong via pinfall (on Roxxi, Implant Buster)
Average rating: **½

Booker T (w/ Sharmell) vs. AJ Styles

Lansdell: AJ Styles is fucking awesome. That is all.
Michael: You know what else is awesome? We still have 25 minutes of show left. I was worried when this match was announced earlier that they might only throw them out there with 6 or 7 minutes to go
Michael: Have these guys locked up a lot in the past, or is this a fairly new match?
[e-mail] (12:07:15 AM): At least once before.
Michael: Well, with commercials and technical difficulties, I feel like I didn't really get to see the match, so I don't have too much to say about it. The only thing I know for sure is that it was short, and I never like short matches between two A-listers.
Lansdell: As much as I dislike Booker, he did a really good job in this match and guided AJ through a strong little encounter that had a perfectly timed double-pin finish to set up the PPV match. AJ and Booker worked well together, and we know that AJ and Christian will work well together, so this match has me all tingly in anticipation. That or the cold sore is coming back. Damn Laosian brothels. However, the emphasis here is on LITTLE, as these two deserved the extra 10 minutes at the end of the show instead of "treating" us to what we got. That leaves us with **3/4.
Michael: These two had a nice little match, with ye olde finish obviously helping to set up the triple threat while continuing to leave a question mark regarding Christian's allegiance. Personally, I hope Christian chooses neither and makes his merry way back to the WWE as soon as he can, but that doesn't really have anything to do with this match, which was about **1/4 from where I sit. It was good, but too short (considering the participants) to rate any higher and it's not anything I'll be remembering by next week.

The Antics

Main Story – Jarrett hates Angle, Angle hates Jarrett

Michael: "The volatile history"? Hasn't this been going for two weeks or something? If you had told me a month ago that I'd be looking forward to a Jeff Jarrett/ Kurt Angle match, I'd tell you to fuck off and stop being crazy. But that's exactly what happened. Power of a good promo!
Lansdell: TNA has always done great video packages, that was no exception. Having Foley cut a promo to hype his involvement in the match, and bring out both men is exactly how they need to use Foley, but it was not his best work.
Michael: I'll take Foley at 50% over most others at 100.
Lansdell: Fortunately, Angle saved it with an incredible intense stare and the perfect timing on the delivery of another controversial bomb line.
Michael: New big name guys always debut as "special enforcers". It doesn't do anything for me. But everything else surrounding the match, this segment included, has been great. I've never seen Jarrett better on the mic than he has been lately and Kurt has been pitch perfect. Intense stuff. Thumbs up!
Lansdell: Enforcer is a weird role for a person like Foley, but it's better than seeing him try and wrestle at this stage. And it pains me to say that.
Michael: For a second there I thought he was going to say "tell your kids that I'll be sending their Dad to hell to reunite with their dead whore of a mom". Then he pussied out. It doesn't pain me to agree on Foley. He shouldn't be wrestling, and I honestly thought he'd be coming in to replace one of the horrible announcers.
Lansdell: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Tenay is great on color but shite as a play by play. Foley is no play-by-play guy. They're harder to find, and the only unemployed one is Tony Schiavone.

Booker T and AJ , Christian is an island

Michael: I don't like the way that hillbilly is talking to Booker
Lansdell: I don't like Booker.
Michael: Really? Don't you...have to?
Lansdell: No, we have to feud. Aren't you paying attention?
Michael: Hey, the main event is something to look forward to. I can dig this match...SUCKA ! Over under on how many run ins?
Lansdell: In tonight's match? Two. Spare me the special referee nonsense though. Just spare me.
Michael: I'm sure he'll be a fair and impartial ref and see to it that no hanky panky occurs. I'll err on the side of caution and say 12 run-ins. This is TNA, right?
Lansdell: Basically, Christian doesn't need to pick a side, cos he's the Champ. BookahZulu and AJ Styles both tried to sway him, and AJ shooting on BookahKinte's accent was NUMEROUS PURCHASES~!, Cornette doing the same was even better.
Michael: Uh...is this how he talks now? What the hell is going on in TNA?!? Remind me to not drink any water if I ever go to Orlando. That was a fuckin' nice locker room though! Booker T is a stylish man.
Lansdell: The after-match activities sold the whole thing very well, with Christian playing the by-the-numbers tweener. Makes me even more excited about this match.

Bashir Promo

Lansdell: When he's not being offensive, like the past few weeks, Bashir shows consistently that Vince wasted him. He has a world of passion and emotion in his voice and really makes you hate and pity him at the same time. The way he switches from calm and quiet to livid in a heartbeat is a skill few use these days. He was wasted in WWE, the man is gold
Michael: Total agreement. As much as I think the character is stupid, I'm glad to see him doing something somewhere.
Lansdell: It was stupid when he was a typical evil foreigner, but now that they've tempered him somewhat he's coming off much better
Michael: I haven't been following the evolution, so I can't say, but you seem trustworthy, so I'll agree.
Lansdell: If you think I'm trustworthy, I have some lovely beachfront property in Baghdad…

Karen's Angle with Mick Foley

Lansdell: It was just there. Empty. Foley said a whole lot of nothing.
Michael: I disagree. It wasn't electrifying, but you can't really miss when you've got Foley talking. It's obvious that Foley will be taking up for the young'ins, barring some unforeseen, stupid swerve and I think that's the way to go.
Lansdell: I think maybe I just expect too much of Mick when he's talking. You wouldn't know, but Karen seems to be getting more comfortable on the mic.

Rhyno's not a happy man-beast/war machine

Michael: Did he just say "Gore the whore"?
Lansdell: HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael: That's...just...awesome!
Lansdell: I called that 45 minutes ago
Michael: You did call that. Are you a wrestling psychic? I mention them sometimes in my column, but I have yet to meet one
Lansdell: I have an uncanny knack for calling the winner of matches involving HHH
Michael: I need to start watching this more, at least when Rhino is around. Though wasn't it that exact attitude that got him trounced from the E?
Lansdell: That or the fact that Vince was jealous over his monstrous tallywhacker.

Oh yeah! There's a world title match on the PPV too.

Michael: What's the contract for?
Lansdell: Sting-Samoa Joe
Michael: Oh yeah! I forgot about those guys! I've never given a fuck about Sting, and I try to give a fuck about Joe, but I'm usually given no reason to when I catch this show
Lansdell: I can't believe we're at the end of the show and we haven't seen Joe yet, and we only saw Sting briefly. Joe has lost a lot of his mystique in the last year, the delayed title run really hurt him.
Michael: I guess this confrontation has been built well, but for some reason I just don't care about this match.
Lansdell:You're not alone. At least it's one-and-done.
Michael: That stip is intriguing
Lansdell: Thank God, I wish Sting would just go away.
Michael: He learned to be a professional from Kevin Nash?!? Hahaha!
Lansdell: Better than learning to sell from him. So did that segment make you care about the main event?
Michael: The contract was successfully signed, but no, I can't say it did. Again, I've never cared about Sting, so I guess why would I suddenly start to. Still, that was pretty by the numbers stuff. I'm sure there are some people out there who think of a Samoa Joe/Sting confrontation as a worthy main event for TNA's biggest show of the year, but I ain't one of them and the tried but true (yet stale as hell) epic contract signing did nothing to make me feel any differently. I will say that the added stip of there being no return match would seem to favor the heel, which I guess is supposed to be Sting, and adds some intrigue to what I had figured to be an easy win for Joe.
Lansdell: Agreed. I'm looking forward to the PPV for the two triple threats, Monster's Ball, The two X-Division matches and Jarrett-Angle, but I could not care less about the main event and it's largely because the bigger angle has been pushed over and above the Sting-Joe match, making it feel like an afterthought and a small part of something bigger. That should rarely be the case, but when you're talking the title match in the main event of the biggest show of the year, it most definitely shouldn't.

The Summary:

Michael: Normally when I tune in to Impact, I wind up tuning out pretty quickly due to a bad match, bad interview, badly booked angle, or some combination of the three. Now you can call me a hypocrite for not doing the same when I'm watching, say, Raw, but TNA and I don't have a nearly lifelong bond that allows me to look past its inadequacies. But I really don't have anything bad to say about tonight's broadcast. No awful matches, no painful or embarrassingly bad interview bits, nothing that made me want to pull my hair out, and a solid build to what I guess is their biggest show of the year. Maybe it was the Lansdell factor, but overall I liked what I saw tonight and I feel more inclined to take TNA up on their catchphrase than I ever have before.

Lansdell: The Lansdell Factor? That needs to be on a shirt. This was a decent show, certainly better than the last couple of weeks, but I do have one big gripe and that's the complete lack of your World champion anywhere on the go-home show until the last 10 minutes of it. It's not like the match has been heavily hyped up to now, and even if it had it's supposed to be the focal point of the PPV. Still, that on its own is not enough to dissuade a thumbs up.