A Brace for Impact 10.23.2008

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 10.24.2008

Live, in HD and with a VERY special RESPECT guest, join us as we intersperse RESPECT random trivia with witticisms RESPECT and even some talk about Impact. RESPECT!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome back to A Brace for Impact, this week for the first time ever LIVE and in HD! To commemorate this and Mick Foley's earth-shattering game-changing announcement I have found a very special guest. I give you the longest-running and most beloved Ask 411 writer ever, Steve Cook!

Cook: Crap, I'm almost out of Diet Pepsi
Lansdell: Worst. Opener. Ever.
Cook: It's been what, two weeks? That means nothing!

It's nine o' clock and CSI credits are rolling, which can only mean one thing:

BANNER!



Velvet Sky vs Christy Hemme

Lansdell: Maybe we'll get to see a Flying Firecrotch Guillotine here.
Cook: If we're lucky.
Lansdell: Really? We're opening with two of the worst women on the roster? Holy fuck it's over already!

Lansdell: I can think of better ways to start the show. At least 10 of them. Why not a high-speed X-Division opener, or MCMG and the Prince Justice Brotherhood? It wasn't horrible, it didn't have time to be. The FFG, despite being a ridiculous name, is an impressive move and a convincing finisher. I'm not happy with Hemme holding off all 3 heels, and dropping Kip with one bitch slap (although she clearly keeps her pimp hand strong) since it makes Dat Azz Squared and Kip look rather weak. I suppose I'll go with * just because that's the best I've seen Hemme look ever.

Cook: The wrestling sucked, the storyline was pretty basic, and Kip needs to get off my television. I'm being very generous and going one star on this. Why? Because I'm in a jolly mood and they both want me.

Winner: Christy Hemme via pinfall (Flying Firecrotch Guillotine)
Average Rating: *

The formation of the Main Event Legitimate Businessmen's Club

Cook: Kurt Angle has an announcement!
Lansdell: He's getting a divorce. Or he's turning Goldberg heel
Cook: I'm sorry, Booker's accent's just throwing me off here. What is that supposed to be a parody of?
Lansdell: It's ridiculous
Cook: Nash looks like he's about to fall asleep.
Lansdell: Did Nash just quote the bible???
Cook: how many of those drinks has he had?
Lansdell: Not as many as Scott Hall. Wait, so introducing Sting as a partner in his heel faction is a major announcement that trumps Foley's? For that matter, how does Kurt know what Foley is announcing?
Cook: Yeah, and why would JB be so surprised? Other than he's a moron.
Lansdell: Seriously, Main Event Mafia?
Cook: They need a fat bald guy if they want to have a mafia. I suggest Vic Grimes
Lansdell: Why do you hate Friar Ferguson?
Cook: He molested one of my friends when we were young.
Lansdell: Only in this column can you see a Killers song and a Mike Shaw gimmick joined in blessed union!

Lauren greets Foley!

Cook: what's your opinion on...is it Lauren? I forget her name.
Lansdell: Meh, I'd tap that Why do you need to know her name?
Cook: Good question
Cook: Wow, that's a nice vehicle
Lansdell: Foley with the old school Beetle for the win!
Cook: An epic win?
Lansdell: Certainly more epic win than his announcement that he'll be wrestling for TNA.

Doesn't a Legends belt work better with, you know, Legends?

Lansdell: Oh God, they're giving Booka Kinte a talking segment
Cook: I can hardly contain my excrement.
Lansdell: Fling it at Booker
Cook: Hopefully when we elect Obama the racial profiling will come to an end.
Cook: What are they chanting?
Lansdell: No more something. Hopefully "accent". Ooooh, that's a purrty belt.
Cook: The red strap is a nice touch.
Lansdell: Shades of the old NWA strap unless I'm mistaken
Cook: You are correct sir. And I'm not a fan of people that rip on fans, but this can't be the reaction TNA was going for. But then again, what else is new?
Lansdell: They just tried to turn Sting heel by aligning him with Booker and Kurt, and instead it gets Booker cheered. I believe that's what the kids call an "epic fail"
Cook: Maybe they'll just chant for anybody.
Lansdell: I didn't hear any Kute Kip chants
Cook: Fair enough.
Lansdell: Hey, remember when people wrestled?
Cook: Well, after that abortion that was the opener, maybe wrestling isn't the best of ideas.
Lansdell: So let me get this straight: they introduce the title 5 minutes ago, and they already bury it
Cook: That's gotta be a new record. THIS IS TNA!
Lansdell: Glad you told me, because right now it looks like WWE circa 2004. Christian vs Booker T for the Intercontinental title!
Cook: I would like to state for the record that there is no such thing as the mafia. The same applies for Russia, and there is no organization in Japan called the yakuza. These are myths perpetuated by the liberal media.

Abyss tells us about his gross, disgusting, corpulent, sweaty, nasty, ugly pus-filled Slug-for-a-butt. I mean wounds.

Cook: What is Morgan, Abyss's mom?
Lansdell: His therapist
Cook: Oh yeah, we did meet his mother once Remember that great angle?
Lansdell: Didn't he kill his mother?
Cook: No, he shot his father. Who was James Mitchell
Lansdell: Right, to protect his mother
Cook: Who writes this shit?
Lansdell: The same guy who thought Mae Young stripping was good TV
Cook: Is this the theme of the night, bringing up all the shitty angles ever? If so, I like it

X-Division Title Match: Sheik Abdul Bashir © vs Black Machismo Jay Lethal

Cook: Hey, did you know they still have an X Division?
Lansdell: We might actually get a good match now. Over under on length is set at 7 minutes
Cook: In all seriousness, Jay Lethal is one of my current favorite wrestlers. Love watching that guy work
Lansdell: I gotta prefer Petey. The guy has been incredible all year every time he steps in the ring. MVP of the X-Division IMO.
Cook: Too bad he's stuck in the Savage gimmick, but what can ya do.
Lansdell: You going over or under?
Cook: Under fo sho.
I always take the under
Lansdell: There's a joke there somewhere. I'll go under. Csonka's going over with a commercial break.
Cook: Is he praying to the belt? I'm not sure what Allah would say about that.
Lansdell: Haven't watched in a while huh?
Cook: Hey, do you recognize Lethal's tights? Damn, Bashir pinned him before I could point out something cool
Lansdell: Hey man it was just one night and he swore he wouldn't tell
Cook: I'm going to point it out anyway...Lethal's tights seem to be a tribute to Savage's WM VII tights When he faced the Warrior, remember? Same color scheme, basic look
Lansdell: Warrior's best match. I'm not sure why they would do that, it could just be coincidence.
Cook: Indeed

Lansdell:Hey, remember when Lethal beat Kurt Angle clean for the X-Division title, and looked set for a meteoric rise? Me neither. A clean sub-3-minute loss to the X-Division champion in what was basically a squash match is Not Good. What the hell was the point of putting this on TV? How can it do anything good for anyone? This sort of thing is exactly what Johnny Devine was talking about. DUD

Cook: DUD. Jesus tittyfucking Christ, what the fuck was that? They barely got in the ring long enough for a cup of coffee before Lethal missed an elbow and Bashir won. Lame lame lame lame lame. Lansdell's wishes of 7 minutes were quite ludicrous, it seems. Short title matches piss me off, what can I say? Especially when the challenger's a multi-time champ and is one of the top young stars in your company.

Lansdell: Was.
Cook: Who was that supposed to get over? It's not like Bashir looked especially good
Lansdell: Why, it was supposed to bury both so that Foley can have 10 more minutes to tease his surprise of course.
Cook: That's the problem with most of these shows these days...they do this stuff and throw it out there with no intention of getting anybody over. I dunno man, I sound like one of those jaded IWC fanboys that are out of style these days, but fuck man!
Lansdell: I'd just like to point out that in 45 minutes we've had 5 minutes of wrestling. And trust me, your frustration is felt in many circles.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir via pinfall (WMD)
Average Rating: DUD

(Career) Suicide vignette

Lansdell: Oh for the love of FUCK...they're putting the character on hold and yet they run a FUCKING VIGNETTE? Cook: How long is Kazarian out? Expect to see vignettes for that long.
Lansdell: 4 months?
Cook: Well, nah, they'll probably forget after a month or so
Lansdell: Way to tie it in with the video game release…


Rhyno horns in on Bashir

Cook: And this is so delightfully random. Was Lauren interviewing one of these idiots? And where are they?
Lansdell: Well at the very least this should prove to all my readers that the X-Division does NOT now have a weight limit.
Cook:I thought Samoa Joe proved that. Rhino, however, does not strike me as an X Division style wrestler
Lansdell: The argument was that after the 3D weight thing, a weight limit was instituted as one of the conditions. Of course that weight limit only applied (briefly) to Team 3D. But you're right, Rhyno in the X-Division doesn't show me it's about no limits. It shows me they have nothing better for him to do and for some reason don't want to include him in the MEM.

Hardcore Tag Team Cyber Sunday Text-Off Gauntlet

Cook: Ok, that Beer Money shirt is a cool shirt. If any 411 readers would like to get me a Christmas present.....I'll also accept cash and virgin sacrifices
Lansdell: This match really needs the Verizon guy on a pole in a corner. And an explanation of why we should care.
Cook: I think they should put Lauren up on the pole There's a joke there somewhere
Lansdell: I'd rather not see that on live TV
Cook: So what did Beer Money do during the commercial? Man, if they cut promos that was probably better than anything on this show so far
Lansdell: Storm could have farted his theme music and it would have been better
Cook: Are you going to text them?
Lansdell: Am I fuck. Sawn-off 12-gauge isn't a weapons option.
Cook: Now that would boost the ratings
Lansdell: Nah. They could have Velvet and Angelina eat each other out and it would get a 1.1
Cook: Velvet & Angelina would get more than a 1.1 from me. I would say 11, but nobody would believe that. So are 3D faces again, or is this just more non-sensical TNA booking?
Lansdell: Who knows?
Cook: I like how we're like actual wrestling announcers and talking about everything except what's actually going on.
Lansdell: Larry has the play by play. We're here for witticisms and analysis
Cook: Necro Butcher says Hernandez hit him the second-hardest out of anybody he's been in the ring with. First? Low Ki.
Lansdell: I can believe that. Last? Jack Evans.
Cook: I do like Matt Morgan, guy's got potential
Lansdell: Brock Morgan
Cook: Man, if Brock had stuck around that could have been a main event feud at some point. However, this is a complete and utter clusterfuck.
Lansdell: You're surprised? It's a TNA tag gauntlet with loosely defined rules.
Cook: Nope. So Bubba & Beer Money are left?
Lansdell: I dunno…when was Abyss eliminated?
Cook: I don't think he ever made it in the ring, so who knows
Lansdell: It's a bad sign when two experienced wrestling journalists are watching a match and are confused. How will this bring in casual fans?
Cook: OK, now he's out. Team 3D vs. Beer Money
Lansdell: I'm so lost. Tables became legal part-way through the match, not at the end when it made sense? If the only way to be eliminated was over the top, what were they gonna do if someone swung a chair?

Lansdell: Well, as Cook so rightly said, that was a mess. When Hernandez came in there were a couple of decent spots, but it all devolved so quickly and yes, you guessed it: it didn't get anywhere NEAR enough time. I cannot go any higher than *½, and that's because of Abyss kicking out of a 3D through a table.

Cook: I'm going to be a bit friendlier to this than Lansdell and say ** because I enjoy insanity. I would usually go higher than ** with insanity, but the finish sucked ass and I actually don't like it when finishers get killed like a 3D through a table. Heck, a 3D put Beulah McGillicutty out of wrestling, and she's entertained me more than Abyss has.
Lansdell: Well the good news is that so far the show has 5 stars. The bad news is that's the total of all the ratings for all 3 matches...from both of us
Cook: Tremendous!

Winners: Beer Money via pinfall (Storm on Devon, beer bottle to head)
Average rating: *3/4

Angle wants Jarrett, Abyss wants Angle, Lansdell and Cook want pillows

Cook: Can we rate Angle's suit? That'll help out the number.
Lansdell: That is a sharp suit.
Cook: He's got Jericho beat this week, you gotta admit
Lansdell: The powder blue shirt ruined Jericho's effort
Cook: It really did. Sue me, but I like Jeff Jarrett, even if he dresses like a bum
Lansdell: It beats a hat with 2 flashing Js on it
Cook: His music rules though
Lansdell: His music is on my MP3 player, but then so is Angle's
Cook: Did he just mention the motor city machine guns?
Lansdell: Last, but yes.
Cook: Does he know that they hate him?
Lansdell: DON'T TURN AROUND KURT! Oh shit.
Cook: Where's Morgan to calm him down? I do like the idea of JJ throwing people in front of Angle, so when they have another match it would mean something, instead of having a match every month on PPV
Lansdell: I would too, If Jarrett was the heel
Cook: Russo's booking, so everybody's a shade of grey
Lansdell: Not Jarrett, I can promise you he's writing his own segments

TNA Knockouts Title – Taylor Wilde © vs Awesome KONG~!

Cook: I was making fun of her a bit earlier, but I do enjoy Awesome Kong matches
Lansdell: Oh yes, especially with backfist. I am now contractually obliged to remind people that Kong kills bitches dead.
Cook: I'm higher on Taylor Wilde than most people.
Lansdell: She hasn't shown me anything yet. She's fine, but she's not the face of the division. Not yet. There's nothing there to make people buy into her.
Cook: Also, I wish they wouldn't waste Raisha Saeed with that gimmick
Lansdell: Kong wants new blood? Is her period late?
Cook: TMI!
Lansdell: See! Saeed said it would be her last match period! Enjoy that mental image.
CSONKA RUN IN!!!: Enjoy it…IN HD!
Cook: Think we'll see a MOTNC here?
Lansdell: Dude it wouldn't be hard
Cook: Point taken

Lansdell: About time. Wilde had a decent run but there's just nobody for her to feud with except Kong and Angelina. This was definitely Match of the Night, but as I said earlier: not hard. Roxxi is probably next in line for title shots, with ODB in the wings. I'll give it **½ which is probably high, but it deserves it for being watchable on a bad night.
Cook: Wow, **1/2 was exactly what I was thinking because it was the best match I've seen so far tonight. Like I said earlier, I like Taylor better than most, but Kong is one of the top women's workers in the business today (I refuse to say she's the best because Sara Del Rey's the best), and Kong will be a great champ like she was before. Hopefully they can build up Roxxi or somebody else up to the level Gail Kim was so they'll be a believable successor to Kong.

Lansdell: I think the bigger issue is that there are not enough heel ladies who can actually wrestle
Cook: This is also true.

Winner: Awesome KONG~! via pinfall (Kong Bomb following Saeed-ference)
Average rating: **½

Cook: NICK BOCKWINKEL!
Lansdell: Now we're talking legends.
Cook: I just want to say that Bockwinkel is one of the most underrated wrestlers by current fans. If you go back and watch his matches....the motherfucker could work his ass off
Lansdell: Absolutely, right up there with Curt Hennig


Sting and Kevin Nash vs AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Lansdell: So are we expecting any result here other than Styles pins Sting?
Cook: You never know with TNA booking, to be honest. Hell, they might have Nash pin Styles
Lansdell: Or Joe.
Cook: Styles is probably my current favorite wrestler, to be honest with you. I've always loved his stuff.
Lansdell: I said last week that he has come along leaps and bounds this year and has completely dropped the spot monkey tag.
Cook: I always thought that tag was unfair, but if it was, he was a better spot monkey than the rest of the spot monkeys.
Lansdell: RoH Styles wasn't a spot monkey so much, but the AJ that was tagging with Daniels and before his heel turn certainly was. Plus he never sounded confident on the mic like he does now.
Cook: He probably got lazy being in a tag team and all. I liked AJ/Daniels as a team though, they did some good stuff
Lansdell: Absolutely
Cook: Them and LAX was always good for a kickass match
Lansdell: I would have loved to see them and MCMG tear it up
Cook: Too bad Daniels disappeared, never to be seen again. I liked that guy.
Lansdell: I hear he learned to cook an excellent chicken vindaloo. It's hot, it's spicy AND it tastes great.
Cook: I wouldn't doubt it

Lansdell: I'm torn here. The little action we got was good and the post match beatdown made sense, but the finish and result were both absolutely recocculous and demonstrated everything that is wrong with TNA. The ONLY reason I can see for putting Nash over Joe is to make their feud mean something. I suppose it wasn't clean so Joe remains somewhat protected, but damn was this ever screaming "WRONG!" at me. I suppose ** is about right

Cook: I'm gonna go **1/2 even though I hate the fractional ratings because I thought the actual match was pretty good even though the ending was bullshit. It wasn't the right finish, but TNA wants us to buy a PPV to see a right finish. So I don't fault them for that. The wrestling was pretty solid, and Nash did more than I expected. So.......yeah, here's Foley!

Winners: Kevin Nash and Sting via pinfall (Nash on Joe, belt shot)
Average Rating: **¼

Foley changes the face of wrestling

Cook: Foley is pretty cheap. Palinesque. See, Palin spent a lot of money on clothes so she would look good for the campaign, in case you weren't paying attention
Lansdell: Oh Lord. He owns the company? Really? THIS is the big reveal? If he starts power walking I'm done
Cook: But what about Corny?
Lansdell: Yeah, what about him?
Cook: I'm just wondering where they're going with this
Lansdell: Me too. I fear the answer is "They don't know yet."
Cook: And we're not going to get an answer tonight, it seems
Lansdell: That's our show folks! Here are the final thoughts:

Lansdell: Oh TNA, why must you do this to me? Every time I think you're turning the corner and I start talking positives about you, you give me a show that was supposed to be major, a live show and an HD broadcast, but it has less than 25 minutes of wrestlin, two complete letdowns of "major announcements", a rehash of a stroyline we've seen continuously for 10 years... there was nothing on this show to make a curious first-time viewer come back.
Cook: Absolutely not. That was not the show TNA needed to put on, and I like TNA. I want them to succeed because I hate the idea of one major promotion ruling everything, which is happening to mixed martial arts and I hate it. Jesus tittyfucking Christ. Damn it TNA, I want to say something positive. I like most of your roster, I like the alternative to WWE, I like Traci Brooks even though she wasn't on this show for some goddamn reason.
Lansdell: EVERY match had a former WWE talent in it, and the show ended with a screen dominated by WWE guys. The world champ is taking a back seat to Angle. Where were the Machine Guns? Where was the X Division? At least Beer Money got a win for homegrown talent, but it was in a horrible match. Where was ODB?
Cook: And Awesome Kong, we can't forget about her, at least she did something. Otherwise, I have no defense for any of this. This show just wasn't very good.
Cook: It was a waste of two hours. We should have brought up more shitty angles to pass the time,.
Lansdell: Dude we didn't need to bring up shitty angles, we had a shitty show.
Cook: But when your women's champ is the one thing you're booking right.......that's not a good sign. that was the one thing EliteXC did right, the women's division
Lansdell: You raise an interesting comparison with EXC, because nobody saw that collapse coming. Could TNA be next?
Cook: It's relevant. Well, Elite XC spent a lot more money than TNA did, they bought up all those MMA promotions for no real reason, they could have just lured their fighters away.
Lansdell: But it's a concern. If this show pulls in anything below 1.0, there need to be serious questions asked
Cook: Yeah, it's definitely a concern. It'll be somewhere from .9-1.1, that's where TNA is, and they'll remain there unless something insane happens. But hell, I got more enjoyment out of the Hogan reality show so what the hell do I know
Lansdell: And the scary thing is, they don't seem to care about improving
Cook: I think they're trying, but they don't really know how

And with that we leave you, dear readers. Catch Mr Cook every Monday in Cook's Corner. Well, most Mondays. Catch me Sundays with the Sunday Brunch News Report and Wednesdays with Ask 411. Next week we bring you a major contrast in approaches as Jarrod Westerfeld joins me. You KNOW you want to see me own him. Until then, Stay Cool and Rock Hard.


Lansdellicious – Out.