The RAWtopsy 11.17.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 11.19.2008

Well, at least Akon had fun.

by J.D. Dunn

Ah, yes. Wrestling. That most aggressive and personal sport. From the lowliest bootlick to the most regal king, everyone enjoys a good spot of grappling.

**cough**

Anyway, I, uh, haven't seen any wrestling since the last WWE PPV, so, outside of what I've read, I'm parachuting into the storyline here.

November 17, 2008

Live from Atlanta, Ga.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

All of the Raw superstars are in the ring. IT' MILEY! Oh, wait, no. IT'S SARAH PALIN! No… um. IT'S STEPHANIE! She's here to take the tough questions from the superstars. Nope. Definitely not Sarah Palin. Randy Orton whines about not getting a title shot and says he's got next. Cody Rhodes wants to know why Orton wasn't punished for kicking Ted Dibiase in the head. Santino Marella spots the rapping singer "Acorn" in the audience and busts a mad rhyme in tribute. He wants his IC title back. Stephanie says he had his chances. JBL wants a sit-down with Vince McMahon. Shawn Michaels wants JBL… tonight! Shawn attacks JBL, causing everyone else to head for higher… erm, lower ground. IT'S PANDALERIUM!

Kelly Kelly vs. Victoria.
Kelly hits a dropkick and handspring elbow, but Victoria blocks her bulldog and clotheslines her. That sets up a backbreaker and a Torture Rack Drop. Well, at least she's targeting a body part. Kelly flips out of another backbreaker and schoolgirls Victoria for the win at 1:32. Victoria makes her pay for it after the match with a Widow's Peak, but the Raw girls chase her away. Beth Phoenix runs down and tosses Victoria back in for more punishment. Mickie and Beth share a look that says they're on the same page. Strange bedfellows. Strange, wonderful bedfellows. Strange, wonderful, sweaty bedfellows. 1/2*

Batista vs. Manu (w/Cody Rhodes).
Okay, we have to get a Manu vs. Umaga moment in the Rumble. Manu looks like the bastard son of Big Show and Debarge. Manu doesn't budge off a shoulderblock and this a throat thrust as Batista tries again. MANU'S HANDS OF FATE! Manu slips out of the Demonbomb and hits a flying kick. Malenkoriffic. Randy Orton looks on from the entrance ramp. Manu hits a Stinger Splash but runs into a big boot. Orton is mulling this development over. We know because he's stroking his chin. Manu backdrops out of a Demonbomb but runs into a spear. DEMONBOMB! That's the end for Manu at 4:07. Batista barks threats at Orton who shows his glower power from afar. Rhodes considers going after Batista but chickens out. **

Stephanie, who sounds like she downed a bottle of Xanax before the show, welcomes Chief Jay Strongbow.

In the back, Randy Orton tells Cody Rhodes he'll show him how it's done. Cody says he's all talk.

Back to the arena, Tod Grisham welcomes Evan Bourne, who is still wearing a boot to protect his ankle. He promises to come back better than ever. Mike Knox comes out and stares at Evan with a look that can say only one thing. "Remember when they booked Kelly Kelly as my girlfriend? Yeah, that was awesome. Well, bye." Knox leaves without incident, which is why he's one of the most electrifying superstars in WWE history.

In the back, Shawn Michaels admits to being nervous because he's never tagged with Rey Mysterio. Rey talks him through it. They run across Dolph Ziggler. Dolph earns his paycheck by watching them walk down the hall.

Shawn Michaels & Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz & John Morrison.
Too many "M"s. Shawn and Rey bust out some doubleteams early. Rey goes for the 619 on Morrison but gets tripped up by the Shamwow guy on the outside. You watchin' me, camera guy? It sells itself. I don't know. Rey and Shawn hit dives to the floor as we go to break. During a commercial, Rey hit a huracanrana on Morrison. Miz and Michaels are down now, though. Rey tags in but gets whipped into the post. Miz tries to break Rey's ribs, but Rey kicks his way out of it and hits a dropkick. Rey takes the Bret Bump into the buckle and winds up in the Cobra Twist. I don't know who the new ref is, but he's very demonstrative. Morrison jumps into a dropkick, allowing Rey to roll to the tag. Shawn busts out the usual on the Miz. Miz ducks Sweet Chin Music and avoids the figure-four. Shawn gets tossed into the corner for the Shawn Flip but comes back with clotheslines. Rey hits Miz with the 619, sending him right into Sweet Chin Music. Shawn turns around into Morrison's superkick, though, and Miz covers for the win at 11:25. Formula for most of the match, but a great finish. Shawn jobbing to his own move is high praise for Morrison. **3/4

Cena hype.

In the back, Chris Jericho and Stephanie McMahon talk about the return of Cena. Jericho says that the fate of the WWE rests on him retaining the title. Sadly, he does not call her a filthy, dirty, disgusting, bottom-feeding, trash-bag ho. That level of maturity is very disturbing to me.

CM Punk stops in to talk about how Randy ruined his year. Now, he (and his skeevy beard) will have revenge.

In the locker room, JBL and Kane talk about how conservatives and libertarians need to regroup in light of the laissez-faire economic philosophy virtually collapsing in the latter half of 2008. Kane threatens mutiny.

During the break, Cryme Tyme and Akon did the money-money thing.

JBL & Kane vs. Cryme Tyme.
JTG and Shad doubleteam JBL. Kane comes in and destroys things, but JBL hits the Clothesline From Hell for the win so he can take credit (3:05). Kane doesn't appear happy. *

In the back, Kofi Kingston tells Evan Bourne to keep getting better. Mike Knox attacks Kofi from behind, shoves Evan down, and smashes his ankle again. Well, that's a little better.

We get a replay, and Cole's tried-and-true noun that ALWAYS gets guys over – bully. Worked for Bill DeMott and… many of the other guys who have been released over the years.

William Regal vs. Matt Hardy.
Finally, we'll get to see which is higher in the pecking order – Raw's secondary belt, or ECW's primary belt. Matt rolls Regal up, but Regal tosses him and punts him as he's trying to come back in. They take turns pulling each other off the apron, tipping the finish. Yep, they both get counted out at 1:09. Great. Now we'll never know. The refs separate them from any further fisticuffs. 1/4*

Chris Jericho is out for his equal time. Damn you, Obama, and your Fairness Doctrine. Jericho recaps how much he means to Raw and says he's going to save Raw by defeating John Cena.

Lumberjack Match: CM Punk vs. Randy Orton.
Slow start as Orton gets flustered by both the face and heel lumberjacks. Punk keeps tossing Orton to the wolves, but eventually Mark Henry drags Punk out to turn the tide. Orton HITS THE CHINLOCK! Punk fights up and hits a roundhouse kick. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Randy counters the Go2Sleep to the Stretch Backbreaker, but Punk dropkicks him to the floor to block the RKO. Miz & Morrison help Randy up, but Punk flies out on top of them. William Regal trips Punk up when he gets back in, though, and that allows Orton to sneak in and hit the RKO at 9:24. Something tells me this was just here to set up something else. **

Indeed, Orton prepares to punt Punk in the head, but Batista (eventually) intercepts him. JBL hops in to get at Batista, which brings in Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio. It's a donnybrook as we go off the air.

The 411: Meh (it's in the dictionary now). Nothing really wrong with the show, but it didn't sell me on the Survivor Series. Miz & Morrison's strong showing was the bright spot here.