A Brace for Impact 11.27.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 11.28.2008

Better late than never, as I'm sure you'll agree when you see the extra-special special guest who's joining us...



Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. El Jefe Csonka does a fine job of that. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the site writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned by those of us who watch it. Easier to understand why we hate it when we can break it down.

We're pretty close to getting the format finalised. The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. It's working well so far and we're enjoying the feedback, so please keep it coming. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

AJ Grey: What's good people! I'm ready to check this baby out! Much love to Lansdell for inviting me to participate here tonight, should be a blast...if TNA lives up to it's name tonight!
Lansdell: Indeed. The CSI credits are rolling, so let's get with the

BANNER!



The Front Line is christened!

Lansdell: The Front Line? Really?
AJ Grey: The front of Audrina Partridge is much more pleasant.
Lansdell: Umm...OK? Did you ever think you'd see the day that Rhino (see? I do read comments!) would lead a group on the mic?
AJ Grey: I never thought I'd see a day when ODB was the tit relief in a group.
Lansdell: ODB scares me. But on a better note, here come the opposition!
AJ Grey: They are wearing the hell out of those pimp suits. I'd like to wear out the black chick.
Lansdell: Dude, seriously. Hormones. I thought that promo did a good job of setting the stage both for tonight and for the PPV, which was important. It also did it in relatively little time.
AJ Grey: It was good, but what was with the sausagefest? One woman out there is NO BUYS!
Lansdell: ODB was out there.
AJ Grey: Like I said, one woman out there is NO BUYS!
Lansdell: Larry wants to see you in the warehouse.

Turkey Bowl Semifinal – Sonjay Dutt (w/ Secretariat Val) vs Rhino vs Hernandez

AJ Grey: SoCal Val is looking fine at ringside! You know you want it.
Lansdell: I'd ride her. That's what you do with horses. Frankly I'm wondering who the hell asked for this travesty of a bullshit tournament to return.
AJ Grey: Probably the same person who told Hilary Duff to dress up warm and ruin our view.
Lansdell: Holy fuck but Hernandez is impressive! Looks like he's been studying!
AJ Grey: I've been studying Val's skirt.
Lansdell: That's hardly surprising.

Winner: Rhino via pinfall (GORE! GORE! GORE!)

AJ Grey: Gore rhymes with whore. SoCal is a whore. There was a match, my eyes and her ass. What happened in the ring was pretty good I guess, I was expecting 3 minutes but it was fun. I'd rate it an Olivia Munn on the hotness scale.

Lansdell: She's not that hot. Anyway, I enjoyed this. Hernandez looked great, showing his agility and his power, and when he does get the singles push he's going to be massive. It got longer than I thought, and Rhino REALLY needed the win to power him up for the PPV. Why not **½ as a rating?

Team 3D get recruited

AJ Grey: Black is back with Lauren!
Lansdell: I'm shocked at Rhino's mic work. Shocked.
AJ Grey: Why?
Lansdell: Because he hasn't done this in forever. Team 3D are playing the cool cocky veterans perfectly too.
AJ Grey: Lauren can play with my cocky veteran. That's one whore I'd like to gore, if you know what I mean. *wink-wink*

Turkey Bowl Semifinal – Consequences Creed vs Kute Kip vs Alex Shelley

AJ Grey: Kute Kip without Beautiful People is FAIL.
Lansdell: Kute Kip is FAIL period. I love how Shelley is just chilling while the others fight.
AJ Grey: Tonight of all nights...Kip has to have no tail with him. What did I do to deserve this?
Lansdell: Creed has some very impressive offense, visually at least, but the truth of it will be in his ability to string the offense together in a logical manner to make it a good match.
AJ Grey: Wow, you really get into this stuff.
Lansdell: Yeah, I do. I love it.
AJ Grey: I love scantily-clad females.
Lansdell: You've never seen a real vagina, have you?

Winner: Alex Shelley via pinfall (on Creed, rollup)

Lansdell: This match followed the same formula as the last one: one guy looks great, dominates and loses. Creed showed some real skills here but ended up taking the pin anyway. I'm sure this got about the same time as the first match, but it felt a lot shorter, maybe because it was a higher-paced matchup. Ratings-wise it gets **¼

AJ Grey: I have to knock off points for the lack of valets. Poon = ratings. No poon=*¼ If I could do it again, I would have just fast forwarded this to the end and got to the good stuff. Immediately following this snooze fest, we have...

Dat Azz Squared! Lauren! Together!

Lansdell: Calm down AJ.
AJ Grey: Fishnets are the new HAWT. It's hard to type with all my blood concentrated to one body part.
Lansdell: Sweet mother of fuck they got Sarah Palin. Or rather, a Sarah Palin lookalike.
AJ Grey: Fail was never so bangable as with Sarah Palin.
Lansdell: Why do they do this? Everyone rips on WWE when they try and be relevant and funny, why would TNA emulate that?
AJ Grey: Easy, my friend. Palin is hot, and Palin is ratings. What more is there?

Team 3D are TNA's Most Wanted

AJ Grey: They can keep showing Lauren all night. It's cool.
Lansdell: This is great: a fight over Team 3D. What, LAX weren't good enough?
AJ Grey: Not since they dropped that chick with the amazing melons.
Lansdell: You're slacking, Grey. Where are the pictures of Shelly Martinez? I really enjoyed this interaction, AJ and Joe playing the impatient youngsters while Big Papa Rhino tries to show them a calmer way, a better way.
AJ Grey: Me and Rhino have something in common: we both have a horn! HA!

Hemme begs for Kong

AJ Grey: Hemme wants it bad, and I want to give it bad!
Lansdell: Oh boy...
AJ Grey: She'll beg! Keep skipping Hemme! BOUNCY BOUNCY!
Lansdell: I'm at a loss as to why ANYONE would beg TO fight Kong. Is she mental?
AJ Grey: I hope Kong doesn't actually bust those implants. THat would make me cry from my two eyes instead of my one eye.

Turkey Bowl Semifinal – Jimmy RAVE~! Vs Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Matt Morgan

Lansdell: I smell squash.
AJ Grey: It's Thanksgiving, of course you do.
Lansdell: Is Cornette trying to get Sewell fired, putting him in a Bashir match again?
AJ Grey: You know what these guys need? Chicks! I'd care a lot more about what's happening if there was some ass out there. As it stands...shrug.
Lansdell: I love the way Bashir and Rave are working together to survive here. It's making the match at least competitive.
AJ Grey: Letting Morgan fight back is good too.
Lansdell: I have to agree. That way the heels look smart and Morgan looks tough.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir via pinfall (on Rave, WMD)

Lansdell: Yeah, this worked well for me. The heels worked together, got in some convincing offence, and managed not to look like fodder while Morgan fought back enough and did enough to retain the "unstoppable monster" edge. Bashir and Shelley in the final gives us two strong candidates to wear the suit. Again the match seemed a little longer than normal, which can't be a bad thing. I'll say **3/4. As an aside, an X-Division wrestler took the fall in each of the semifinal matches.

AJ Grey: No Lansdell, this didn't work. Know why? NO HEMME! The majority of the match was just double-teaming the big guy, which is also what I dream about when posting pics of Mr. and Mrs. Sam Ronson. Them double-teaming my big guy. Oh yeah, I'll rate it a Hayden Panettiere in skinny jeans.


Raisha Saeed (w/ Awesome KONG! And Rhaka Khan) vs Christy Hemme

AJ Grey: 4 women and only one is good to look at. At least those tatas are making me happy.
Lansdell: Bricks will be shat by Indy wrestling fans everywhere, knowing that Hemme is likely to pin Saeed here.
AJ Grey: She's hot without the mask.
Lansdell: Burkha.
AJ Grey: Whatever.
Lansdell: Curb stomp! I love that move!
AJ Grey: She can curb stomp me whenever she wants. She's got a Kim Kardashian with less ass vibe that I'm digging.
Lansdell: However, the FFG is growing on me.
AJ Grey: I'd like to dig into Hemme's frontline. Or would that be her Hemmeline? I wish she'd drop her fire crotch over my face.
Lansdell: I don't know if it's the outfit, or if she's doing it as part of the character, but Saeed looks REALLY slow when she wrestles in TNA.
AJ Grey: I think she's doing it to seduce me. She should come out with silk scarves.

Winner: Christy Hemme via pinfall (sunset flip)

AJ Grey: Damn, these gals can really throw down! Of course, I'd have been happier to see them throw down their clothes, but I takes what I can gets. Saeed's wrestling mesmerizes me, it's like watching a belly dancer. With too many clothes on. Also Hemme was too covered. Therefore it gets a bald Brittney Spears. This was the first match of the night I actually got into. I'd go a lot higher if Saeed showed a little more skin, and if Kong was replaced by Tila Tequila. Could've used more pudding...and nip slips. I want Rhaka Khan to do me.

Lansdell: The hardest part of wrestling is learning to take a beating. Doing your moves is easy, especially if you're with someone who knows what they're doing. Making the other guy's (or gal's) offence look good is tough. Hemme seems to have learned how to do that now, and if she continues to improve she can indeed be the face of the division. She has a way to go yet though. For the effort alone, I'll go **, and that could have been higher if Saeed didn't look like she was wrestling in molasses half the match.

Turkey Bowl Final – Alex Shelley vs Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Rhyno

Lansdell: I would say that anyone who agreed to wear that suit would have to be fucking stupid, but AJ wore it last year and look at him now.
AJ Grey: I won last year?
Lansdell: Dude, just no.
AJ Grey: Cool. I'd rather look at Kim Kardashian anyway.
Lansdell: You know, it's not just a coincidence that her last name is close to a race of aliens from Star Trek: TNG, the name of which contained the word ASS.
AJ Grey: That's evil.
Lansdell: I am just not feeling this match. Rhino is obviously going to weather this storm and win the match, the only question is who gets pinned. Rhino should be calling every second of this match, but he keeps being out of position and the others have to hunt for him. It's like watching a bad football game. 3 and out, 3 and out....
AJ Grey: I compare it to a nude beach in St-Tropez: for every celeb poon you see, you have to avoid 3 half-ton extended cabs.

Winner: Rhino via pinfall (on Shelley, GORE! GORE! GORE!)

AJ Grey: I will laugh very hard when Alex wears the hell out of that turkey suit. And then I'll look at pictures of Velvet Sky and choke my chicken while I'm in my birthday suit. Yeah, there's a mental image for you. Lansdell is right on the money, I could not enjoy this match, and not just due to the lack of titties. I'll give it Helen Hunt.

Lansdell: Ugh. I mean it wasn't terrible, and I'm sure plenty of people liked it, but this did nothing at all for me. The bullshit after the match was tempered slightly by Foley laying into Shelley verbally, but I really could have done without the image of Shelley with a turkey head hanging off his groin. Like I said, the match did nothing for me, although the right person won. To be generous, **.

Team 3D Decides!

Lansdell: I just noticed that the Front Line music is similar to the old Impact theme at the start. Hidden Highlight~!
AJ Grey: I prefer to post Hidden Headlights. Ashish won't let me post them if they're not at least partially hidden.
Lansdell: So let me guess: MEM and the Front Line start fighting, Team 3D come out and pick a side by killing the other side.
AJ Grey: Devon is wearing the hell out of that suit!
Lansdell: Wow, I got that wrong. However, it's good to hear TNA putting over the past without mentioning WWE.
AJ Grey: What happened to Steiner? He used to be so great, one of the best in the business, and now look at him...he doesn't even come out with chicks anymore.
Lansdell: Hey look, a swerve. Probably to set up another at the PPV with 3D screwing AJ and Joe.
AJ Grey: I'd let Sharmell screw AJ. As in, me.

Final Thoughts

AJ Grey: I don't understand why so many people are critical of TNA for always bringing in WWE cast offs. If anything, I think they need to bring in more, especially with the Main Event Mafia storyline now in full swing. Big name talent, I'm talking Wrestlemania caliber. People like Kim Kardashian, Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson. Until then, Impact will always be two hours I could've spent on Mr. Skin.

Lansdell: I haven't looked at the match times, but it felt like we had more wrestling this week. Even in a week where the matches were obviously mostly throwaway (since nobody would be watching), we still managed to advance a storyline and repair Rhino in the eyes of the viewers. The wrestling was just good enough to not be a complaint, the segments were mostly good (although I worry about the Palin thing) and overall I have absolutely nothing to find fault with this week. Team 3D joining the Front Line needs to be temporary, because I don't believe the tide is ready to turn in this war just yet. Rhino will obviously lose at the PPV, When you add in everything that I thought worked well, you end up with a strong show that unfortunately will get seen by half the normal audience. Hopefully they'll all read this report, tune in next week and bring friends.

Well folks, that's it from us. I'd like to thank the very busy AJ Grey for joining us this week, especially on a show devoid of nudity. Stay Cool, Rock Hard.

Lansdellicious – Out.

Disclaimer: AJ Grey did not actually appear in this column.