A Brace for Impact 12.05.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 12.05.2008

I am shocked. It wasn't the real Sarah Palin.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. El Jefe Csonka has done a fine job of that for the last four years, but no more. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. It's working well so far and we're enjoying the feedback, so please keep it coming. And AJ Grey will never grace these pages again. Let us speak of it no more.

Joining us this week: The Navigation Log's Matt Short!

BANNER!



Ray fires up the Front Line

Short: Was the sound just messed up for you too?
Lansdell: Yup. Brother Ray sounded like Alvin. It looks like the Front Line found their mouthpiece though.
Short: Absolutely. Rhino was an okay start, but Ray can do the same kind of promos 100 times better.
Lansdell: Ray is very good, but I prefer him goofy. Rhino shocked the heck out of me last week, it's a shame we likely won't see much more of it.
Short: He doesn't get that kind of position usually. He stepped up for that whole segment.
Lansdell: As long as they don't reduce him to the dumb muscle of the group.
Short: Rhino is still on fire. I seriously never would have thought of the guy as being a good mouthpiece for an angle like this, but once again, he's proven me wrong.

MEM call out Team 3D

Lansdell: Initially I hated the way Sting was being pushed to the back, but now that the whole Godfather thing has been pointed out I'm in love with it. He just stands there looking cool, letting everyone else put forward the effort, and if someone gets through to him he just owns them.
Short: Everything about this angle has just worked. I didn't think TNA could have pulled it off, but they have made this "veterans vs. young guys" thing work.
Lansdell: I wish they would stop using the word "rape" on air though.
Short: Especially when they're censoring "ass."
Lansdell: Once again Rhino delivers on the mic. The man is an undiscovered gold mine.
Short: Imagine what happens if you give a guy more material than screaming into a mic.
Lansdell: Bigger drop of the ball by Vince: Matt Morgan or Rhino?
Short: That's kind of a toss up, but I'd say Rhino. I'm not completely sold on Morgan yet.
Lansdell: Yes, but Rhino had more success in WWE than Morgan.
Short: Morgan was screwed on day one with the stuttering gimmick. They say a good worker can get any gimmick over, but I have no idea how that would work.
Lansdell: I don't agree that a good worker can get anything over. Look at the Red Rooster. For the counter-argument, look at Eugene. Still, Morgan was green when he got that gimmick, and didn't have the experience to make it work. This is Vince's problem with big guys – he rushes them up and saddles them with a gimmick that they're just not ready to handle. Mordecai, Stuttering Matt Morgan, Fake Kane, Not My Fault Snitsky…

Booker T's locker room!

Lansdell: Is anyone actually looking forward to ODB vs Sharmell?
 Short: I didn't even realize it was on the card.
 Lansdell: And now you wish it wasn't?
 Short: Oh god, yes. Alright, Booker transforming into the Harlem Heat persona saved that segment.
 Lansdell: And it needed saving. African Prince Booker is the only annoying part of the Main Event Mafia. Everything he's saying and doing would be better with a normal voice.

TNA Legends Title Match: Booker T © w/Sharmell vs. Samoa Joe

Lansdell: So we get to watch Joe get beaten again. Joy.
 Short: I flat out have not liked the Booker vs. Joe matches and I'm not expecting to like this one. They should feel free to surprise me though.
 Lansdell: I flat out have not liked Booker in about 6 years. So if Booker is now an African Prince, why does he not have African prince music?
Short: Way too hard to just come up with something new.
Lansdell: I'm sure they could buy Kamala's old theme
Short: Kamala and his crack legal team aren't letting go of that any time soon.
Lansdell: Few people know that Kim Chee is a skilled IP lawyer who graduated Yale Law
Lansdell: This is actually not bad. Surprisingly.
 Short: No, from the little they've shown it's been fine.
 Lansdell: One day Joe is gonna kill someone with that snap powerslam
 Short: I think he gave Necro Butcher brain damage with it.
 Lansdell: That explains a lot about Necro Butcher.
 Short: Managed to powerslam him on his face somehow
 Lansdell: Far be it from me to ever complain about watching Dat Azz Squared bending over, but they couldn't have the MEM come out?

Winner: Booker T via pinfall (axe kick after hair spray)

Lansdell: Well I enjoyed the start of the match, then they had to kill everything they'd built by having Joe job to hairspray. Booker and Joe were slugging the hell out of each other, we missed the "take a walk in the stands" yawnfest, and the action was starting to pick up. Having Love and Sky cost Joe the match doesn't really do much for them, it would have worked better if ODB had come down with Joe and those two had come out to protect Sharmell. Oh well, at least it didn't suck. **½
Short: That was a fine match for what they had time for, but they could have done just as well without adding on the street fight stipulation. The ending was expected as there's no way Booker was losing the Legends Title now. The MEM should have done the run in as The Beautiful People's appearance didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'll give this **3/4. I'd love to go *** but the ending felt flat.

Backstage hilarity with ODB's Angle and Beer Money

Lansdell: ODB is my new favourite talk show host
Short: Swearing is actually funnier with the bleeps. It's a fact.
Lansdell: Roxxi asking ODB if she was on the rags is the greatest line ever, and the rusty trombone line makes me think she reads Csonka...somebody had to I guess.
Short: The fact that Storm rides his cooler scooter around the back makes it that much more awesome.
Lansdell: Needs more beer holster. "Mr Monster Abyss it is"...tremendous. Wait, is he namedroppping AMILY GUY?
Short: Next up, Alex Shelley will start quoting King of the Hill.
Lansdell: That segment coming right after ODB has made this show ELVENTY BILLION STARS
Short: Getting Abyss drunk? I can't wait to see how this ends.
Lansdell: My guess is "Not well."
Short: As long as we don't get vomit.
Lansdell: Naw, Vomit is in a wheelchair. Wait, that was Puke.
Short: HE'S GONNA PUKE
Lansdell: Yay for mental images!

"Palin" arrives

Lansdell: Oh fuck it's not even a GOOD lookalike
Short: They should have gotten the chick from the Palin porn.
Lansdell: Wait, that ISN'T the chick from the porno? Boo-urns. I guess Tina Fey was busy too
Short: Tina Fey has to give some pointers to the SNL writing staff to make it even less funny.
Lansdell: Lazy Sunday was the last good thing they did. Snack Attack mutha*bleep*!

Christy Hemme and AJ Styles vs. Amazing Kong and Scott Steiner

Lansdell: I would do things to that woman. Not Kong.
Short: Those gams don't quit.
Lansdell: For some reason, both she and Maria looked much less hot when hit with the makeup gun set to "whore" and airbrushed to death in Playboy. Why can't we just show naked pictures of natural women? ANYWAY, is it bad that AJ's theme is on my iPod?
Short: Nah, I've got the old Brood theme on my MP3 player. I can't judge you.
Lansdell: AJ's is on there twice, plus his old RoH theme (Touched by V.A.S.T). Along with far too many others…
Short: Damn you, Slick Johnson.
Lansdell: Why is he stopping AJ from protecting himself? By the way, Kong's bloomers are bigger then Hemme.
Short: I'm liking this match so far.
Lansdell: They're working well with a tough gimmick match, but having Kong in there makes it easier. Hemme is sucking less and less every week.
Short: She should be good in the underdog role this Sunday.
Lansdell: She shouldn't win, but it certainly has become more interesting. That was a very impressive finish
Short: Where's their replay for that ending? Damn...

Winners: AJ Styles and Christy Hemme via pinfall (Hemme on Kong, AJ-assisted tornado DDT)

Lansdell: OK I'll confess to expecting to hate that match. I'll also confess to enjoying it in the end. Sure it wasn't a five-star classic, but Hemme has come along leaps and bounds and I actually care about the title match now. Hemme should lose, at least the first one, but this gives the fans reason to believe that she might pull it out. I just realised that there are 3 women's matches on the PPV card...that's got to be a first. Anyway, this was enjoyable and gets **3/4
Short: Very strong mixed tag match. All four worked hard and it got the crowd going. I loved the ending as it sets up Hemme as a legitimate underdog challenger this Sunday against Kong. This match was a whole lot of fun and gets **1/2 from me. 

Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal and Eric Young vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir, Jimmy Rave and Sonjay Dutt

Lansdell: I mention this every month, but I do believe that Final Resolution will be the NINTH PPV IN A ROW where Dutt and Lethal have fought. That's got to be some sort of record.
Short: I thought when they started that feud that it would turn into EY vs. Roode where they'd wrestle for months in increasingly pointless matches. I believe Dutt and Lethal have surpassed that.
Lansdell: I'm loving Bashir just walking out and saying that Young needs to wait til Sunday, then going to the commentary booth.
Short: Bashir has been golden in TNA.
Lansdell: Another WWE dropped ball.
Short: I don't think Bashir was ever going to shake the Muhammad Hassan angle in the WWE.
 Lansdell: Possibly, but if they'd done that angle like TNA are doing the Bashir angle, they wouldn't have needed to. He would have been over and could have stayed on.

Winners: Jay Lethal, Eric Young and Consequences Creed by pinfall (Creed on Rave, TKO)

Lansdell: That match felt like watching a hot chick strip slowly from top to bottom, then as she gets to her underwear you discover she's a tranny. It was exciting, it was building interest, it was just the right pace…then the ending came out of nowhere and was a major letdown. As I said I loved the way Bashir stayed out of it all and owned it on commentary, and there was some good offence. Once again though, too short. And Creed getting the pin does nothing for the PPV, since pins don't matter in his match. Young pinning Rave would have worked better for me. Therefore, **
Short: The match was just background for the Bashir vs. EY angle. It would have been just another X-Division tag were it not for the commentary from Bashir. Very short, but the important thing was advancing the story to Sunday. I'll go ** as well, because it worked even though it was short.

Feast or Famine Hype

Short: Feast or Fired. Good or bad?
Lansdell: I'm torn on Feast or Famine. Last year's gave us a great Lethal-Williams segment, broke up VKM and gave us Curry Man, but it also made us watch Bob Armstrong wrestle.
Short: I just hope this year we get some wisdom from hindsight. So they'll be smart enough to not throw curveballs like Bob Armstrong wrestling.
Lansdell: The lineup this year is decidedly X-Division heavy, and there's really nobody in it that I want to see gone. I'm hoping they do something interesting with it because the match idea reeks of Russo.

More Palin crappery

Short: God damn this sucks.
Lansdell: Where the fuck is she supposed to be from?
Short: Apparently Alaska is in Wisconsin now.
Lansdell: Did they not see the complete wreck WWE made when they played politics?
Short: Evidently seeing them have the real presidental candidates flop on live TV wasn't enough to convince them to not have an imitator.
Lansdell: Not to mention Clinton vs Obama on Raw months ago.
Short: Or Kennedy's little segment from Raw. Let's face it, wrestling should stay as far away from politics as possible.
Lansdell: It's a real shame because that useless nonsense does nothing for the Beautiful People and has hurt an otherwise good show. Take that time and use it on the six-man!

Angle and Jarrett – Handbags at 30 paces

Lansdell: Did he just politely call out the guy he hates? Why please?
Short: You catch more flies with honey than threatening to rape the fly's children.
Lansdell: That may be the greatest line to ever appear in this column. Better than anything AJ Grey said.
Short: You're welcome.
Lansdell: So Jarrett brings a guitar with him everywhere he goes?
Short: You never know when you've got to sing a ballad. Or brain someone. Always be prepared.
Lansdell: And just for the swerve, he doesn't
Short: Such a let down. Good segment, despite that though.
Lansdell: I would expect nothing less from those two. However, I have to question if their feud really needs airtime every week. We all know what's going to happen at the pay per view, and we all know that Jarrett and Angle are going to fight again.

Non-Title Match: Sting © vs. Rhino

Lansdell: This is another match for which I have low expectations
Short: That's been the theme for tonight, hasn't it? I dunno, I was more interested in seeing this than Booker vs. Joe again
Lansdell: True, but so far I've been pleasantly surprised. I hope they can continue that trend.
Short: They got to a good start, but this feels like it's going to breakdown into endless run-ins soon.
Lansdell: Run-ins in the main event of the PPV go-home show in TNA? Perish the thought!
Short: In other news, the sky is blue and dogs bark.
Lansdell: OMG! Demolition lost the tag titles!
Short: I hear the Save_Us campaign is for Chris Jericho!
Lansdell: That's a lot of blood for free TV
Short: I should know where this falls on the Muta Scale, but I don't really keep track of things like that. Let's go with 3. A low 3.
Lansdell: Here come the clowns!

Winner: Rhino by pinfall (Gore! Gore? GORE!)

Lansdell: I can't remember the last time I saw someone bleed on free TV, and here we got to see Rhino paint the mat red. I'm generally not a fan of either buy, but I found I could get into this match despite having a fair idea how it would end. I was only half right as we got the dozen run-ins, but nobody got in the ring and Rhino got a fairly clean win over the TNA Champion. Wait, what? Well, it certainly rebuilds Rhino as a threat! Once again the match was surprisingly enjoyable and it's a solid **½
Short: I was cautiously optimistic about this match from the get-go and what we got was decent enough. The match was too short though and while the ending was a surprise to me, it came off as really abrupt. Rhino pinning Sting should have been made into a much bigger deal than it came off on TV. The interference was almost inevitable, but it all came off as very rushed. I'm going to go with **, because it was really fun to watch and because of the surprise upset by Rhino.

Final Thoughts

Short: This was a great go-home show for the PPV this Sunday. Every match got a bit of time to sell itself and watching this show makes me want to actually buy this PPV. The matches were as short as they usually are, but the promos were all on this week. Rhino was the MVP of the show, as he really showed he's got more mic skills than screaming "GOOOOOOOORE!" The Sarah Palin stuff flat out sucked, but that was never going to work in the first place. Fine show this week, could have used more wrestling, and I'm done.

Lansdell: The time has finally come for me to stop expecting the worst from every TNA segment. The past few weeks have delivered more than disappointed, and even matches which I would expect to suck royally have surprised me. That was this week's them for me: better than I expected. Blood in the main event, some funny segments, some serious promos, story development and enough PPV hype that I actually care about a couple of matches that I didn't care about last week. I still expect a Team 3D swerve at the PPV, as the final major win for the Main Event Mafia before they start losing at Genesis (even the PPV name fits). The thing is, this swerve will work because I don't think it's as obvious as most TNA swerves. Rhino continues to impress, the young guys are starting to shine through, and all is right with an angle that almost everyone said TNA couldn't do. I'd just like to point out that I always thought it could be done well. Not to gloat, of course. The Beer Money/Morgan and Abyss feud is an interesting one, although I really don't want Beer Money losing the belts to those two. I can see it happening unfortunately, if only to transition the straps to Team 3D when they join the MEM. The less said about the Palin segments, the better. For me, they almost ruined a very good show. Less of that please, TNA. Overall though a strong show that did what it needed to: make people want the pay per view.

That's our show, folks. Next week could well see the epic guest to end all epic guests, if said guest can be persuaded to take part. Don't forget to join us Sunday night for LIVE coverage of Final Resolution! Stay Cool, Rock Hard.

Lansdellicious – Out.