411's TNA Impact Report 12.18.08

Posted by Randy Harrison on 12.18.2008

TNA Wacky Subtitle of the Week....Main Event Massacre



It's the last Impact! before Santa Claus visits Orlando and we are LIVE-ish in the Impact Zone!! No video package this week as we're straight into the open for the show and right into our opening bout of the evening!!


Match One:
Lance Rock vs. Rhino

Mike Tenay hypes the main event with the TNA Frontline (AJ Styles and Samoa Joe) getting the Main Event Mafia (Kevin Nash and Sting) in the Six Sides of Steel tonight!! They also bring up that Rhino will be getting the shot at Sting's TNA World Heavyweight Championship at Genesis. Rhino opens with a kick to the gut and whips Rock into the corner, following with a BIG belly-to-belly suplex. He sets up for the GOAR and ROCK KICKS HIM IN THE FACE!! Right hands from Rock and he rams Rhino into the top buckle before choking him with his boot. Big right hand drops Rhino and Rock covers for a two-count before hitting the chinlock. Rhino fights out of it but Rock forearms him down. Rock with an Irish whip into the corner, but Rhino charges out with a clothesline and some shoulderblocks before hitting another BIG belly-to-belly suplex into the GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAARRRRRRR!!! There's the cover and there's the three-count!!

Winner: Rhino (pinfall, GOAR!!)

Post-match, Rhino gets on the mic and calls the TNA Frontline down to the ring. Rhino says that when they all decided to go against the MEM and fight for what they believe in, they knew it would be a bloody fight and that bones would be broken. He says that what the MEM did to Brother Ray is something they won't stand for and that if they want a fight, they're damn sure going to get it. He brings up that Genesis is three weeks away and that not very long ago, he already beat Sting in the middle of the ring. He says that he's not just going to beat Sting for the title, he's going to leave Sting in a pile of his own piss, blood and shit. He says that last week, the Mafia raised the bar but this week they'll raise it even higher. Styles says that because of last week's actions from Booker and Steiner, they're in a match with Matt Morgan and Abyss this week. He talks about the main event and says if they want to act like animals, they'll be animals cage and all. Joe promises that what they did to Brother Ray last week won't compare to what they do to them this week. He says that Joe knows violence and that their surrender won't be accepted. He tells them that when they enter that cage, they'll come to the realization that Joe Is Going To Kill Them!!!

Random Impact! Observation #1: That was a FANTASTIC opening segment with Rhino, AJ and Joe carrying the promo like nobody's business. AJ and Joe looked like true main eventers and they both looked like they were ready to kill because of what happened last week. As much as the strong promos are helping them, they need to look strong in the main event too to keep that momentum going. I'm loving the Frontline vs. MEM stuff so far.

JB is in the back with Kurt Angle and Angle says that there is going to be blood shed, but it's the Main Event Mafia that will be doing the spilling. He says that he's going to do what he has to do and pay tribute to Jeff Jarrett because it's the right thing to do because after Genesis, Jarrett will be extinct. He says that no one is going to want to miss what he has planned, and that he has a special guest, ending with a "Bang Bang!".

Random Commercial Observation #1: The Whopper Virgins. Oy. I love how they sell that these people have "never seen a hamburger before" by having them hold it all backwards. I'm surprised one of those Eskimos didn't eat their own hand trying to dig into that Whopper.


Lauren is in the back with the Motor City Machine Guns and she brings up how they both have their sights set on the X Division Championship. Sabin says that it's right and that while they both have the opportunity for the title, she'll have the chance to be the meat in a Motor City sandwich later tonight. She brings up what would happen if they meet in the finals, and Shelley corrects her by saying "WHEN they make it to the finals". He bags on Mick Foley again and says that in Detroit, they're not talking about the auto bailout, they're talking about which of the Sons of Detroit is going to win X Division gold.


Match Two: X Division Championship Tournament Match
"The Guru" Sonjay Dutt w/So Cal Val vs. Chris Sabin w/Alex Shelley

Random Impact! Observation #2: It's been like two years since that BaseBrawl angle Sonjay, take that fucking baseball glove off. You look like an idiot...

They start out with some chain wrestling before Sabin buries a kick to the gut on Dutt. They flip around and reverse each other all over the place before Dutt pulls Sabin off the ropes and slams him stomach-first to the mat. Dutt chokes Sabin across the middle rope as we see Sheik Abdul Bashir sitting at the top of the ramp. Dutt distracts the referee and lets Val do some sneaky choking, before Dutt hits a BIG slam on Sabin. Dutt drags Sabin to the apron and slams his chest on it before popping up to the apron for a springboard into a slapping arrogant kick. He covers and gets a two-count, with Sabin getting some shots in before eating a jawbreaker into a hurracanrana that gets another two-count for Dutt. Dutt rams Sabin into the top turnbuckle and buries the shoulder a couple of times before hitting the PRAYING KICK TO THE FACE!! Snap mare from Dutt and he lays some boots in on Sabin. GARVIN STOMP!!! He chokes Sabin with his boot and prays before bounding off the ropes, but Sabin hits a reverse atomic drop into a flurry of kicks that stagger Dutt into the corner. Big flying reverse elbow in the corner by Sabin and he follows it with a HUGE SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE for a two-count!! Sabin sets Dutt up for the Cradle Shock, but Dutt fights out of it and bites Sabin in the face. Sabin nearly grabs a Tombstone on Dutt, but Dutt flips up into a tornado DDT, following it with standing Shooting Star Press for a LOOOOOOOOONG two-count. Dutt hits a legdrop and tries a springboard move, but Sabin catches him in position for the Cradle Shock. Dutt gets free of it again and hits a standing enziguri. Dutt off the ropes and he tries for another hurracanrana, but Sabin catches it and throws him up into position and hits THE CRADLE SHOCK!!! 1-2-3!! Sabin moves on in the tournament!!

Winner: Chris Sabin (pinfall, Cradle Shock)

Lauren has "Sarah Palin" with the Beautiful People and they're asking how much more gubernatorial they have to look to come with her to the White House. Palin says they'll have to look more like a First Lady like Barbara Bush. One of the slores says Babs looked like a tranny, and Kip busts in saying that he's the fashion consultant and that they don't need Sarah's help. The other slore cuts him off and says that they love him, but that she's a Governor and that she's going to have her own makeup artists and that they want to use them. Kip throws a PMS fit and huffs off into the arms of the nearest long-haired biker as the segment closes out.


Back from the break, we're in ODB's Angle and she's got Christy Hemme as her guest. ODB asks about Hemme's win in the 2004 Diva Search before asking about Playboy (saying that Hemme's curtains match the drapes). Hemme says it was all fun and ODB asks her about Hef's old balls before saying that she hates how all these Playboy Diva girls think that they can throw on a pair of boots and pretend to be wrestlers. Hemme says that that's why she loves being in TNA, because there's real challenges. HERE COMES RAISHA SAEED!!! BITCHSLAP TO HEMME!! She flings Hemme into the fence at the back of the set as Rahka Kahn looks all intense and threatening. Saeed BEATS HEMME DOWN WITH A TRASH CAN!!! Pull-apart brawl and HERE'S TNA SECURITY TO BREAK IT UP!! In the famous words of Joey "One-Punch" Styles, "Cat-FIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHTTT!!"

JB is in the back with the MEM and Mick Foley's in their locker room. Nash is trying to adjust Foley's spine and he tells him to knock it off, saying that they had good times last week, but the MEM has crossed the line. He says that Brother Ray challenged Kurt Angle to a wrestling match, not a gang (beeeeeeeeeeeeeep). I pray to God, he didn't say gangbang. Angle says that it was a wrestling match that turned into a streetfight and that he had no choice. Foley tells Angle that he should have gone about it one-on-one. Angle tells him that he should know better and that this business is built on the boys and brotherhood. Foley tells them that they have to promise that there aren't going to be any more beatdowns. They agree and they all toast with more champagne.

Random Commercial Observation #2: Captain Morgan's Holiday Miracles are some of the best holiday commercials I've seen in a long time. Every single one of them have been funny and they all fit right into the wheelhouse of my quirky and lame sense of humor.


Back from the break, we get a look at Beer Money Inc in the TNA Quick Cut. Robert Roode talks about his family life growing up and how he started playing hockey when he was four years old. He says he wasn't into monster trucks or GI Joe's, it was about sports and competing. He says he's always been competitive and that he played at a high level for most of his younger days. He talks about how growing up in Toronto it was rich in wrestling tradition and he watched it a lot on Saturdays. He brings up his training and his first match in 1998 and how his passion switched from hockey to wrestling almost instantly. He says that the first time he stepped into the ring, it felt like he was supposed to be there and that he was home. He talks about paying his dues and that he's proud that he never quit and that he's in it to be the best. I'll say it every week, I love these segments. It was fun to see Robert Roode from the old-school weekly PPV days and it was even more fun to see Scott D'Amore again as I always liked him from those older shows


Match Three:
Scott Steiner and Booker T w/Sharmell vs. Matt Morgan and Abyss

Abyss and Booker get things underway and they hit a lock-up with Abyss giving a clean break in the corner. He tries a right hand, but Booker ducks under and pops Abyss with a flurry of his own. He whips Abyss into the ropes, but Abyss reverses and puts Booker on his ass with a BIG shoulderblock. Booker takes over with a kick to the gut and some right hands, but Abyss turns it around quick with an Irish whip into the corner and a follow-up clothesline. Booker rolls over to tag in Steiner and Abyss takes the opportunity to tag in Morgan. They struggle to the corner, where Steiner takes over with a cheapshot to the eyes. Chops from Steiner and he tries an Irish whip, but Morgan blocks it into some knees to the gut. Irish whip from Morgan and he hits a reverse elbow into a BIG sidewalk slam. Morgan off the ropes with a jumping legdrop that gets a long, LONG two-count. Booker comes in to try to break it up and Abyss sends him out to the floor as we head to commercial!

Back from the break, and Booker and Steiner are double-teaming Abyss in their corner. Booker lays in some boots and knees before backing off to land a HUGE thrust kick. Cover and Booker gets a long two-count before tagging in Steiner. Double-Irish whip by Steiner and Booker and as they try for a double-clothesline, Abyss breaks through it and knocks down both men. HOT TAG TO MORGAN!! Big shots to Booker and Steiner!! Bodyslam on Booker!! Steiner attacks from behind with a forearm and tries an Irish whip, but Morgan reverses it into the CARBON FOOTPRINT!! 1....2...BOOKER BREAKS IT UP!! Abyss sends Booker out to the floor with a clothesline and follows him out, ramming him into the steps as Morgan has Steiner in trouble with some elbows in the corner. Sharmell freaks out and screams at Abyss as he's beating on Steiner and he shrugs her off!! Sharmell starts SHREIKING AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR CLUTCHING HER LEG!! Morgan has Steiner up in a fireman's carry, but Booker sneaks in and WAFFLES Morgan in the leg with the lead pipe!! AXE KICK FROM BOOKER AND THERE'S THE THREE-COUNT!! Sharmell bounces up immediately, jumping around and waving it in Abyss' face. Tenay calls it an "Academy Award winning acting job", proving that he hasn't watched a movie...ever.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Booker T (pinfall, Booker axe kick on Morgan)


We come back to a video package with Brutus Magnus, looking like he fell out of the extras truck on the set of Gladiator. That should work out well for him.

Kurt Angle makes his appearance now for his tribute to Jeff Jarrett, holding his TNA DVD and smiling at the camera like the cat that ate the canary. Angle says that before he begins, he's proud to show everyone his DVD which features over seven hours of footage and some of the greatest matches of his career. He says that if everyone would look at the screen, he's going to talk a little about Jeff Jarrett's career. He brings up Jarrett's debut at the age of sixteen, showing pictures of Jarrett back in the good old days of Memphis wrestling. He talks about Jarrett's time in the WWF, saying that he won seven Intercontinental Championships and a WWF Tag Team Championship with Owen Hart, prompting a big "Owen" chant. He moves on to Jarrett's WCW career and how he was a four-time WCW Champion. He says that when everyone thought that Jarrett couldn't prove anything more, he started his own company, TNA. Within six years, TNA became a world-renowned company with their two-hour Impact and moving into Global Impact.

He claims that Jarrett built an empire and that when he thought that he couldn't do anything more, he returned at Bound For Glory and screwed him. Angle says that at Genesis, the storybook is going to come to a tragic end because after twenty-five years of Jarrett busting his ass to stay in the wrestling business, he's going to drown in a pool of his own blood. He says that the wrestling community can live without Jeff Jarrett before asking if "they" can as a picture flashes up on the screen of Jarrett's three daughters. He says that after Genesis, those three beautiful little girls are going to become orphans before promising that Uncle Kurt will have it in his heart to adopt them and make them his. HERE COMES JEFF JARRETT!! He's at the ramp without a mic and he says he's heard that shit for the last time. BG James, Terry Taylor, Scott D'Amore, Earl Hebner are all trying to hold Jarrett back as he screams at Angle that he's a worthless son of a bitch. Angle's out to the floor and TNA security is holding him back!! SMELL THE TENSION!!

Random Impact Observation #3: I get what they're doing with the Angle/Jarrett deal, but bringing the kids into it made it a little uncomfortable for me. You can say you want to crush him in the business world and kick his ass in the ring, but when you start throwing the pictures of the kids up and claiming they're going to be orphans, that kind of crosses the line. Not in the good TNA catchphrase way, but in the kind of icky, kind of shady, kind of smarmy way. Just my two cents on it.


After the commercial, we head into the back with JB and he's in Jeff Jarrett's office. Jarrett's yelling at BG James and throwing shit all over his office as Mick Foley shows up. Jarrett storms off and BG says that it's half Mick's fault.


Match Four: X Division Championship Tournament Match
Kyoshi vs. Consequences Creed

They immediately talk about Kyoshi and his look, which is a carbon copy of his tag team partner and mentor, The Great Muta. Kyoshi grabs a side headlock and Creed shoves him off into the ropes before eating a shoulderblock. They do a rope-running sequence before Creed hits a low dropkick into a big elbowdrop that gets a two-count. Irish whip from Kyoshi and he charges in, geting flipped over the ropes by Creed. He pops Creed with a right hand and a shoulderblock before flipping over Creed back into the ring and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex that gets a two-count. Big chops from Kyoshi and he chokes Creed across the middle rope before slinging him back into the ring and hitting a beautiful low clothesline for a two-count. Nerve pinch from Kyoshi and he mugs for the camera before Creed elbows free of it and runs the ropes. Kyoshi ducks under a clothesline and hits a reverse jawbreaker before breaking Creed down with kicks. Low dropkick from Kyoshi gets a two-count and he picks Creed up for a big scoop slam. Kyoshi's up to the top rope and he MISSES THE FLYING HEADBUTT!! Creed ducks some right hands and hits rights of his own, springing off the ropes into a double-sledge. Clotheslines from Creed and he Irish whips Kyoshi in before backflipping over him into a standing enziguri. Rolling clothesline from Creed gets a two-count and Creed tries a kick into a CreedDT, but Kyoshi reverses it into a kick. Kyoshi hits a big slam and gets another two-count, but Creed hits a jawbreaker into an Irish whip. Kyoshi reverses it and as Creed tries to springboard out of the corner, Kyoshi dropkicks his legs out from under him. Kyoshi's up top and he hits a picture-perfect MOONSAULT!! You can count to a hundred because it's all over!!

Winner: Kyoshi (pinfall, moonsault)

We head to the back and Kip is arguing with Velvet and Angelina and storms off again as they argue with "Sarah" claiming that they're ugly now because they have ugly clothes and no makeup on. She asks if they want to be wrestlers or role models to every man, woman and child in America. She claims that they could be bigger than Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie and Barack Obama, you bet'cha. She says that they're beautiful and that they have to trust her.


We hit a commercial break and when we're back from it Tenay and West give us an update on the condition of Brother Ray. We get highlights of last week's main event match and Brother Ray going through the wall of the ramp. We see them fighting to the back and the eventual attack from the Main Event Mafia, including Brother Ray's speech and the MEM dumping him into the dumpster. Tenay says that Brother Ray suffered a concussion, several broken ribs and a "busted eardrum". Thank you Dr. Tenay. West says that they've called every TNA match and that the beating that Brother Ray took was the most vicious and most brutal they've ever seen.

From there, Tenay throws it to a sit-down interview with suspended TNA referee Shane Sewell. Tenay asks Sewell about his transition from wrestler to referee. Sewell says that he had a dream of wrestling in the big leagues and that he was on his way, but he suffered a neck injury and was told that if he injured it again he could have ended up paralyzed. They talk about the incident with Sheik Abdul Bashir and Sewell says that he can't afford to lose this job, but that he's not going to stand for someone putting their hands on him. He says that he's asked to not referee Bashir's matches, but he doesn't control it. Sewell guarantees that if Sheik causes him to lose his job, he won't leave TNA peacefully. Tenay wishes him good luck in his return next week.


Match Five: TNA Knockouts Streetfight
Rhaka Kahn and Raisha Saeed vs. Christy Hemme and ODB

Random Impact Observation #4: ODB needs to lay off the hooch. Bitch be getting large. No wonder she's not wearing that one-piece outfit anymore.

The faces rush the ring and all four ladies are out to the floor and brawling immediately. ODB hits a big slap chop on Kahn's chest as Hemme whips Saeed over the guard rail. Hemme drops Saeed acorss the rail as Kahn takes over on ODB in the ring. Hemme comes into the ring as Kahn chokes ODB in the corner. Kahn turns around into a spear from Hemme and they double-team Kahn down with shoulderblocks. Hemme's up to the top rope and she kicks Saeed down to the floor as ODB slams Kahn. Hemme hits the Flying Firecrotch Guillotine and they get the pinfall!! HERE COMES AWESOME KONG!! DOUBLE-CLOTHESLINE!! IMPLANT BUSTER ON HEMME!! IMPLANT BUSTER ON ODB!!! THE LIGHTS GO OUT!! HERE COMES SUICIDE!!! Suicide charges and Kong bails out to the floor as the lights go out again. The lights come back on and Suicide is gone as Kong is on the floor, looking creeped out.

Winners: Christy Hemme and ODB (pinfall, Flying Firecrotch Guillotine)

JB is in the Main Event Mafia's locker room with Sting and Nash and he asks Sting about whether their campaign to gain respect has been thrown to the side after the attack on Brother Ray and tonight's Six Sides of Steel main event. Sting says that he doesn't have the words and asks Nash to answer the question. Nash says that he's known Sting for twenty years and that no one has more integrity than him. He gets on Borash for doubting Sting and then says that he's never shown any disrespect to Sting whether they've been teammates or enemies. He says that he would never try to end Sting's career or spit in his face, and reminds Sting that AJ spit in his face. He says that they asked Team 3D to join the MEM and that they turned them down and spit in their face before beating them down with weapons. He tells Sting he can't do it alone and that he needs somone to bat clean up. Sting agrees, but looks like he's having second thoughts as he does it.


We head to JB in the back again, with TNA's Executive Shareholder Mick Foley and he asks Foley about Foley buddying up with the MEM. Foley says he can understand why Jeff Jarrett is upset and says that he understands that Angle says things that he doesn't really mean, giving Angle a pass on his threats at Final Resolution. Borash asks him what side he's on and Foley says that he's not on anyone's side and that he was only brought to TNA to do what's right for business. He says that the MEM has a proven track record and that during tough economic times you have to go with the proven winners. He says that he doesn't agree with what happened to Brother Ray last week and that he's told the Mafia that those kinds of tactics will not be tolerated and that the Mafia has given him their word that they won't do it again. He excuses himself to make decisions that he feels will be best for the business.

Match Six: Six Sides of Steel
Kevin Nash and Sting vs. AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Nash climbs the ropes and checks the cage after he makes his entrance and waits for Sting. Sting comes out and acknowledges some of the fans at ringside, still looking a little leery of his involvement in the match. The crowd pops big for Joe's music, which is a very good sign and he throws his towel right at Kevin Nash after getting into the ring. Styles makes his way into the cage, the door is shut and Don West takes a turn as Captain Obvious by saying that running into one of the Six Sides of Steel is like running into a wall of steel. Jesus, all those years on QVC melted his brain.

All four men brawl to start the match with Sting and AJ and Joe and Nash pairing off. Nash tries to climb out and Joe brings him back down with some right hands before choking Nash in the corner. Styles takes over on Sting, ramming him into the cage with Joe following up and ramming Nash into the cage. Styles and Joe team up and send Sting into the cage face-first as Styles goes to work on Nash's legs. Styles with a cover and he gets a two-count as Joe lays some boots in on Sting. Joe chokes Sting across the top rope and Styles works Nash over with some shoulderblocks in the corner. Discus punch from Joe gets a long two-count on Sting as they follow it with a double-Irish whip into a double-reverse elbow that gets another two count. It's time for a commercial break!!

Back from the break and the MEM has taken over as Sting has Styles mounted in the corner with some punches as Nash lays in a BIG boot to Joe's face off of the ropes. Nash slams Joe's head into the cage and Sting follows with AJ heading into the cage face-first. Sting stomps away at Styles and Nash whips Joe into the ropes. Nash misses with a clothesline and Joe hits his BIG kick into a senton splash, dropping the knee before Sting cuts him off. AJ Styles comes out of nowhere and hits a dropkick on Sting for a two-count!! Joe mounts Nash in the corner for ten punches and he kicks Nash in the face again before climbing the side of the cage. Nash is up on his feet and he climbs, ramming Joe's face into the steel. Joe springboards AJ up over his shoulders and onto Nash's back as Nash stands on the top rope. AJ climbs up Nash's back and heads over to the top and TO THE FLOOR FOR THE WIN!!

Winners: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe (Styles escapes the cage)

Sting and Nash work over Joe in the cage after the match and AJ is on his way back to defend him. Nash holds the door shut and pushes Styles away before SLAMMING THE DOOR INTO STYLES' FACE!! Joe makes his own save, sending Sting outside to the floor!! REAR NAKED CHOKE ON NASH!! HERE COMES KURT ANGLE WITH A CHAIR!! Joe kicks the chair into Angle's face and slams Booker T's head into the cage!! JOE HAS THE CHAIR AND HE SLAMS IT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!! He sets Angle up for a muscle buster, but NASH WAFFLES JOE IN THE BACK WITH THE CHAIR! Steiner locks the cage door shut and the entire MEM minus Sting are working over Samoa Joe in the cage. The referees head to the back as Styles tries to climb over the top of the cage to get back in. Sting is on the floor and he's on the look-out, dropping the members of TNA Frontline as they try to get to the ringside area. In the ring, they Pillmanize Joe's arm in a chair and they HIT IT WITH THE STEEL PIPE!! Joe looks like he's ready to pass out from the pain and the Mafia holds off the Frontline as Angle locks in the Anklelock on Joe!! Don West wonders where the hell Mick Foley is and we're out from Orlando!!